Dw and I decided last night not to have any dc. Heartbroken.

[MalbecLARGE]

Hi,

Just that really. Both women, so need a donor to have a baby, but finally came to the decision last night that we can't do it. We just can't get our heads around the fact that half of our dc genetics will be from a stranger, essentially. I would feel so much guilt and worry. Not that I'm against it generally, I just don't think we can get past that.

We have tried to get our heads around it, but we just can't and last night, I think we drew a line under it and today I feel like hiding in our room and crying.

I already have a dc from a previous relationship and so, I'm lucky to have them and my dw loves them to pieces. Over the past couple of years though, we were desperate to extend our family and it was just a matter of when really. Then we hit a wall and apparently we can't get round or over it.

We can be happy, just us 3, but I know I will always wonder...what if?

I was a young mum and so yes, on the up side we'll have our freedom back early etc, but we did want more dc so much. If only a miracle could happen! But it can't and so I think we now need to make peace with the fact that this is it.

Not sure why I'm posting. Maybe for a bit of support or advice on how to move forward.

Thank you.

@MalbecLARGE

I'm clearly getting over-invested in you and your wife having this baby so will try to butt out now...

@Dery

Well, you have to do what feels right to you but it does worry me that people are making decisions based on the fear of how bigoted people around them might react. It is 2020. I'm in a heterosexual partnership so it's true I don't know what it's like to be in a gay partnership, though my partner is Arab , so - to respond to your example - we are mixed race.

Yes so are we!

OP there are websites where you can connect with other potential co-parents. I have a colleague who did this - they met lots of different potential co-parent and chose someone they clicked with and agreed the terms so to speak. They now have two children with this man. The children live full-time with their mums but the dad is very much in their lives. Everyone happy.

@OneMoreForExtra, thank you for sharing that. You sound like a wonderful mum.

@Dery, no, not at all! I genuinely appreciate your input.

@crimsonclover, I just don't think we would be comfortable with that set up. I understand it works for some really well.

My parents (mum and dad) were together until I was an adult. I had 100% their genes, but have no idea whose is whose, apart from the faulty one that defo came from my poor old mum. Anyway, my childhood was completely dysfunctional and confusing, sometimes scary. It would have been lovely to have secure and stable parents of any sex even if they didn't match my genes.