Dw and I decided last night not to have any dc. Heartbroken.

[MalbecLARGE]

Hi,

Just that really. Both women, so need a donor to have a baby, but finally came to the decision last night that we can't do it. We just can't get our heads around the fact that half of our dc genetics will be from a stranger, essentially. I would feel so much guilt and worry. Not that I'm against it generally, I just don't think we can get past that.

We have tried to get our heads around it, but we just can't and last night, I think we drew a line under it and today I feel like hiding in our room and crying.

I already have a dc from a previous relationship and so, I'm lucky to have them and my dw loves them to pieces. Over the past couple of years though, we were desperate to extend our family and it was just a matter of when really. Then we hit a wall and apparently we can't get round or over it.

We can be happy, just us 3, but I know I will always wonder...what if?

I was a young mum and so yes, on the up side we'll have our freedom back early etc, but we did want more dc so much. If only a miracle could happen! But it can't and so I think we now need to make peace with the fact that this is it.

Not sure why I'm posting. Maybe for a bit of support or advice on how to move forward.

Thank you.

@timeisnotaline

I feel for anyone making these tough decisions, but have to add I’m another one who doesn’t understand the genetics question. To be a bit more blunt, I’m grateful that many adoptive parents have not felt this way and have made a difference to so many children. It doesn’t sound a great reason to me.

Speaking as someone who does not know anything of the paternal side of her genetics, adoption is a completely different question entirely. With adoption we're talking about a deeply unfortunate set of circumstances that have resulted in a child not being able to live with their birth family. With my situation, again an unfortunate set of circumstances resulted in me not knowing half of my birth family.

With donor conception, the child is conceived with the adults involved knowing right from the start that the child will not have both biological parents present in their life. This is a completely different situation and I can understand why people don't go for it. It was difficult enough for me to be in this situation unintentionally, I'd never want to put a child of mine in it on purpose. Sure, a great many donor-conceived children don't care about this, but I'm sure many do and I understand why this might put people off.

That is really lovely @Onefliesoverthecuckoosnest, my nephew is young yet but I don't see anything lacking from the family unit my sister and SIL have created.

I don't really get this decision either. I was related to both my parents and they were shit. I'd have much preferred to be in a family where there was lots of love.

There are so many different types of family relationships these days: adoptIon, donor babies, blended families, single parent families. You sound like you have a really solid family unit. It would be awful if you left it too late. You have so much to offer.

Do you have any friends who have children in a similar position that you could talk to?
My DD has quite a few friends whose Mums are lesbians. As far as I can tell the kids know how they were created or came to be a family and are ok with that. One of her friends has 2 Mums and 2 Dad's and feels very blessed. They are a particularly lovely bunch.

I think possibly many of the posters here haven't been in the position of having to consider the specific needs of a donor-conceived child, so you're getting lots of 'what's the problem?' responses.

My son was conceived via both sperm and egg donation, so although I obviously did make the decision to go for it, I do get where you're coming from. It's a particular responsibility to bring up a donor-conceived child (one I haven't had to tackle in much depth yet as he's still only teeny) and it's really important to consider how their identity may be impacted by it. For me personally, I ultimately came to the conclusion that it's fundamentally a very positive personal origin story, knowing that everyone involved in bringing you into being really wanted you to be here. But, I can absolutely understand coming to the opposite conclusion; there's no right answer, really.

I don't want to dangle things in front of you if you're comfortable with your decision, but if you did want to explore the topic any further, you might find the Donor Conception Network to be helpful. And, even if you're quite certain that you've made a final decision, you might find it helpful to seek out some counseling from a practitioner who specialises in fertility matters, just to help you process it - it sounds as though you're feeling quite distressed about it, and you deserve some support with that.

Hugs and best wishes, OP.

“I would love to believe that all we need to do is shower them with love and surround them with family, including families like ours and talk positively about how they were conceived, but there are no guarantees they won't feel incomplete or angry.”

There are no guarantees in ANY family arrangement that the children won’t be resentful. I do understand why you will be stressing about this - because you would have made the decision that a father figure wouldn’t be around rather than it being out of your hands - but you’re placing a lot of value on Hetero nuclear families that they don’t necessarily deserve.

I think you made an incredibly difficult and selfless decision and I have enormous respect for you both.

As someone else said though, it does sound like you and your DW would both make wonderful parents.

You're absolutely right about the timing for fostering/adopting being off with your bio child starting GCSEs (have experience of that scenario thanks to XH 🙄) but you said you're a young mum, so perhaps something to think about revisiting in a couple of year's time?

My son has never met his biological father, through his fathers choice. It’s always just been the two of us.

I understand your worries and used to agonise over this when ds was a baby and of course it’s had to be age appropriately explained to him throughout.

He’s now 13.

I totally get your reasoning but your child would have 2 loving parents and a totally understandable reason for not having a father, no sense of rejection or anger.

Ds is fine. His understanding of it, the questions he asked and how he feels about it have all evolved over time as have my answers and approaches (but they’ve always included emphasis that it was nothing to do with ds and when he briefly worried about that I reminded him he never even met him so how could it be about him).

At 13 he just thinks his father must be a dickhead because what kind of person can know they have a child and never meet them and he has no desire to meet him. I’ve said if the time comes when he does then I’d support him in doing so.

My point is ds’s situation is way more emotionally charged than your child’s would be yet he’s happy and balanced about it because it’s been handled with love and because he has lots of family belonging through my parents, sister and her children.

Sorry if this is irrelevant but?? You may be, understandably, over worrying and underestimating how more than enough you two could be.

My sadness at times was not being able to have another child through not wanting to upset things for ds (eg one child having a dad and the other not). I considered donor sperm but it didn’t feel right to deliberately create a child who’d only have one parent so different to your situation. It’s fine though for ds advertising he has his cousins and always said no if asked if he wished he had siblings.

You sound happy and strong with what you have, and that counts for such a lot OP.

She really doesn’t

@TheHoneyBadger

I'm so sorry that your son's dad didn't do the right thing by him, but you actually sound like an amazing and very caring mother. It sounds as though your son is very lucky to have you.

Sorry to derail the thread, just wanted to say that.

One of my best friends left her husband for a woman a couple of years ago, she hadn’t yet had kids with her ex husband. I think how my friend and her gf think about it might be very different, they basically ignore the fact their baby (they aren’t even on the road to starting to get pregnant yet) will have a bio dad somewhere out there and just think about it as their baby. The sperm donor is just a minor thing to them, he almost doesn’t matter. I have to say I couldn’t personally think of it as this as I’d always feel like I was denying the child a dad and half their bio family, but I think this is how my friend gets around thinking about it all. I probably think about things very differently though as I’m married with biological children.

I guess if you can’t come to terms with it yourselves it’s probably better to stop at 1 child, I can see why you’d decide not to go down the sperm donor route though.

I really think that there are way more important concerns over having children these days. Global warming for one. A child is far more likely to be angry with you for having them in the knowledge that the earth is fucked environmentally.

It is sounds like a very hard and brave decision.

Children can challenge all sort of things as they grow up, biology might be one but I don't think we can foresee what issues our children might have with our life choices, whatever they may be, even in the most traditional households - we may be seen as too traditional!

But if we raise children that are inquisitive, accepting and open to life and difference in others, your child may well grow up to feel very proud of the small differences they find within their own families op. It could turn out to be the opposite of your fears and worries. I think that is part of parenting, the uncertainty. The young generation of today seem to have an extremely flexible and welcoming view of everything not just the way families are made up/trans/gender fluid/sexuality but everything. They are remarkably free thinking and without prejudice. It is a shame because you sound like you would be excellent parents.

I am guessing there is no one at all that would make a great father figure for that child? I am sure you would have considered that already.

I agree with tantamountto point definitely.

You really should consider adoption. Yes, it us hard work - but all children are hard at some point.

@tantamountto say what? Unless you’ve given birth to greta thunberg, I don’t think your kids will be angry for you having them because of the state of the environment. Bizarre comment.

[quote RainingAllTheTime65]@TheHoneyBadger

I'm so sorry that your son's dad didn't do the right thing by him, but you actually sound like an amazing and very caring mother. It sounds as though your son is very lucky to have you.

Sorry to derail the thread, just wanted to say that.[/quote]
Thank you raining. That’s nice to hear.

Nobody is born into a perfect family. Two devoted, loving parents and the possibility of finding out more about your genetics at age 18 doesn’t sound like the worst of deals, tbh.

My mum has a baby (me!) with an abusive man, which obviously wasn’t the best of circumstances. But I like being alive, and I’m glad that she did.

I'm a same sex parent with a child who I have no genetic relation to - but we were in the fortunate position to have a friend be a sperm donor, so my kid sees him (on video calls at the mo!) and we talk about him as the donor, although she's a bit young to understand at the mo. It sounds like you don't know many same sex parents OP? Because I feel like if you did maybe some of these worries would be allayed as you would see the reality which is that families have all the same ups and downs no matter the make up. Just think of all the kids who never meet their dad/have a useless dad (the boards here are full of these!) - these kids still go on to have normal lives. It sounds like you're not completely happy with your decision and I'd urge you to join some social media networks for queer parents (there are lots of Facebook) to ask questions of people that have this experience. I think the key thing is total honesty with children, and connecting with other LGBT families in your area so they meet other kids like them (and I'd argue this is important for any minority group). Good luck!

Hi OP, I am just posting because you said "heartbroken" in your subject line. I realise that this decision is yours and your DW's and no amount of bossy mumsnetters are going to change your minds :) but just want to say for the record that a decision that leaves you heartbroken may genuinely be worth revisiting in a year or two.

I've got a DS and am pregnant with number 2. I'm 40 now and have a bunch of friends who are child-free by choice and some who are child-less through sad circumstances. I've seen it work out well and badly all across the spectrum of cards people are dealt, and I have no axe to grind - it's obvious that the question of parenting or not is a massively personal one, and everyone's answer is different.

FWIW though, I'd say that my own late-30s decision to go for it was based on a real sense that - just in my own life - I wanted love to win over fear. I wanted to not try to make the choice that I thought would lead to 'happiness', but the one that would lead to growth, expansion - of me, my capacities, my horizons, my family. I wanted to look back and feel that I'd really "sucked the marrow out of my life", given it my all - all that jazz :)

For me that meant not obsessing over what could go wrong, but taking a run up towards what could go right! And I love my son more than I thought was possible, and I'm challenged every day, and it's all worth it.

I realise your answer may be different - but if it's still making you grieve in a year then I think it'd be valid to return to this question and see if the things pressing on the scales for you both might have changed by then.

Wishing you all the best

@MalbecLARGE I don't pretend to understand everything about your situation, but there is no guarantee they won't feel angry about any number of things for all sorts of reasons. We're a straight couple with two children that have no birth defects, and one that does. Even at the age of 5 he is angry in general and asks a lot of questions about why he is this way. The day his sister was born, he was so excited and looked for the same defect. He cried when she didn't have it. There is nothing I did wrong in pregnancy , but one of the surgeons said he may well blame me in his teenage years (not terribly helpful really).

What’s your relationship with your ex like? Would he donate sperm so both your children had the same dad? But I suppose he would need to be just as involved in the new babies life as his existing child.

I can't imagine any worse solution for OPs poor DW!

I do think you are overthinking it to an extent OP. I don't see any reason why the child would be any more upset by this than any other child of adoption or similar, they will have two parents who love them and a sibling.They might have some feelings about it but I don't think it's likely that they will be so strong they would wish they weren't born!

sperm donor is just a minor thing to them, he almost doesn’t matter.

That most likely isn't the case for the child though one Day

I think the OP has made a brave and selfless decision.

I don't see it either. Lots of women love children whose fathers are far from perfect. The father isn't the child. Somebody suggested your ex could be asked to donate sperm. That would seem a sensible solution.

I think fostering would be perfect for you