Dw and I decided last night not to have any dc. Heartbroken.

[MalbecLARGE]

Hi,

Just that really. Both women, so need a donor to have a baby, but finally came to the decision last night that we can't do it. We just can't get our heads around the fact that half of our dc genetics will be from a stranger, essentially. I would feel so much guilt and worry. Not that I'm against it generally, I just don't think we can get past that.

We have tried to get our heads around it, but we just can't and last night, I think we drew a line under it and today I feel like hiding in our room and crying.

I already have a dc from a previous relationship and so, I'm lucky to have them and my dw loves them to pieces. Over the past couple of years though, we were desperate to extend our family and it was just a matter of when really. Then we hit a wall and apparently we can't get round or over it.

We can be happy, just us 3, but I know I will always wonder...what if?

I was a young mum and so yes, on the up side we'll have our freedom back early etc, but we did want more dc so much. If only a miracle could happen! But it can't and so I think we now need to make peace with the fact that this is it.

Not sure why I'm posting. Maybe for a bit of support or advice on how to move forward.

Thank you.

Op, you said you and your DW are on the same page but you're really not ~ you ache for a baby and she doesn't.

I really feel for you as I don't see how there can be a compromise in this situation .

@butterpuffed

Op, you said you and your DW are on the same page but you're really not ~ you ache for a baby and she doesn't.

I really feel for you as I don't see how there can be a compromise in this situation .

There is a compromise. This is it and OP is trying to come to terms with it.

So often people use 'compromise' to mean 'one person getting their way and the other one giving in'. A true compromise almost always means that no-one is happy, because no-one gets what they want.

@RiaOverTheRainbow, a few reasons actually, as I agree, the whole DNA sharing would be a massive bonus. Initially I just wanted to carry, so my dc had a bio sibling, but then we discussed dw also carrying with the same donor, so we'd have that really lovely connection, but for for obvious reasons, that wouldn't work

@butterpuffed, I thought that might get misinterpreted. What I mean is, I am more maternal, whereas dw is more logical and practical. She wants a dc as much as I do, but is more likely to be able to say, 'ok..maybe that's actually not for us, but we've still got lots of good things going on, so let's not let it define us and move on with our lives'. Whereas I'm more likely to get that stab of, 'I really want a baby', every now and then, especially when I actually see one!

I personally don't understand this way of thinking. What I've seen from many children of donors is that they have good lives and most don't actually bother to contact their donor. The problem is if you choose an anonymous donor and make that choice for them.
When choosing a donor we kept trying to find "the right one" but eventually (after a lot of money wasted on 5 attempts) we just got someone from the clinic and bam! Twins. They are truly amazing and my DP didn't have any conflicting emotions because they aren't biologically related. Hell Twin B resembles her more than I do

I'm in a group with a lot of lesbian mums and the ones with older children share how their kids know how they were made and how they have a donor out there but that it doesn't bother them at all.

I think you're over thinking it, OP. However if it's that troubling to you, my gay (male) friends just adopted a baby boy and he is thriving in their loving home

I have a biological daughter and two adopted children, I love them 100% the same. I don't think that I'm so amazing that I need to see my physical likeness and genetic traits in them. I do however see my personality, because I'm bringing them up and very important in their life. If I were vin ops situation, I'd probably try adoption or foster to adopt over sperm donor, you will be all equal then. But as a side note, adoption is very much harder, emotionally draining and invasive than a quick sex act, and not everyone 'passes' so I find it hurtful when the decision to adopt is thrown around like 'oh you can JUST adopt'.

I have two DC using the same anonymous donor, different birth mothers. Honestly they are so like me and my now ex I very rarely remember that that was someone else genetically involved! I think it has helped them to have regular contact with their extended birth families so they are aware of that generic link where they have it. But really as long as they are loved and in a secure home, they will be absolutely fine. Mine are 15 and 17 now and are pretty normal teenagers flitting between grumpy and lovely!

OP, I think you're doing the right thing to consider how any potential child might feel.

I didn't care a bit when I was younger that my biological father wasn't part of my life but I cared deeply as I got older. I come from a large family of half, full and step siblings but I feel a little lost at times. I had a wonderful step father for most of my life but even when he was alive, I was very much aware that I was different to my siblings.

I felt that trying to find my biological father would hurt so many more people that I put it off and now I suspect that he is probably dead. I see his absence from my life as a rejection by him of me and find that it's the one area in my life that I can't rationalise the hurt away. I was deeply loved as a child and still am but for whatever reason, I struggle with the fact that I was simply his good deed for a lonely, young woman.

To be fair, I know other adults like me who say they are completely unaffected by similar circumstances and I have no difficulty believing them.

Is there anyway you and your wife could have a child with an involved father instead of sperm donation ?

Not trying to pick holes (honest!) but you could do ivf with your egg, bil's sperm, dw's womb. If that was what you wanted, of course.

@Squidwitch

I have a biological daughter and two adopted children, I love them 100% the same. I don't think that I'm so amazing that I need to see my physical likeness and genetic traits in them. I do however see my personality, because I'm bringing them up and very important in their life. If I were vin ops situation, I'd probably try adoption or foster to adopt over sperm donor, you will be all equal then. But as a side note, adoption is very much harder, emotionally draining and invasive than a quick sex act, and not everyone 'passes' so I find it hurtful when the decision to adopt is thrown around like 'oh you can JUST adopt'.

Yes I find this troubling when people throw out adoption as an easy option. Making decisions over having children is incredibly difficult and adoption should be a firm choice not a back up plan.

It sounds as if this is more fundamental than deciding between fostering, adoption or IVF.
It seems as if OP has made a decision and is not totally happy with whatever the rational outcome becomes.

If OP wants a baby and she is medically able to conceive and bring to full term a baby Hell why not?

Would her partner really frustrate that longing?

I have to say, after reading a lot of your comments and possibly because I'm currently living up to my username I am starting to wonder if we've made the right decision. This is so bloody hard to draw a line under!

I know if I said to dw let's just go for it, she would. Have I just filled her mind with doubt....unnecessarily?

And for goodness sake, why are there so many babies everywhere?!

Just to say I used an egg donor, and had my DS just over a year ago. He has an older sister who is genetically mine. I had huge reservations, but I can honestly say it’s made no difference to how I feel. I love both children equally, even though I don’t share his genes, I am one million percent his mum. He is utterly gorgeous and a miracle. Of course this has to be a very personal decision - and I was lucky to have a relatively smooth pregnancy/birth.

OP I am older than some here (mid fifties) and I do get where you are coming from. Ten, twenty years ago I wouldn't have, so much.

But as I grew older I got more and more interested in looking at my genetic family, trying, as it were, to make a picture, to see where I fitted in in the world. I only knew one grandparent and I miss having known the other three, who died so young that even my parents couldn't tell me much about what they were like.
And I was a child of divorce, on top of which my father was very emotionally suppressed, so I missed having a loving Dad that so many of my friends had - mine was more like an uncle. I did get a lot of love from Mum's side of the family.

I get (well, guessing?) that your concern is that you would purposely be setting up a situation where the kid wouldn't have a close loving relationship with their Dad and know all their relatives on both sides from the start, and yes, though it's true that kids by and large, as kids, take things in their stride and don't overtly miss what they never had, it's also true that in mid to late adulthood this often changes.

There is no perfect answer and of the choices you do have, most of them would end up mostly ok nonetheless. Kids where Dad legged it, kids of divorce, adopted kids, most of us grow up and have happy(ish) lives anyway. No-one's life is perfect. No-one's.

But basically like any gay couple and any heterosexual couple where one is infertile, you're stuck with the implacable reality that you'll never have a kid that's biologically both of yours. And it's ok to grieve that. Hugs.

I completely respect your decision OP. It is extremely unselfish of you.

A family member was looking into doing this and decided against for the same reasons as you. Of course, no matter how you're conceived you can have issues with your family, but if you're purposefully making a decision to bring a child into the world in such an unconventional way then you'd be niave to think it's unlikely to bring issues. It's a gamble and its very complicated, more complicated that people here realise I think.

You can read donor conceived children's experiences here - www.wearedonorconceived.com

(Of course the children with no issues won't be represented here)

The use of the word Heartbroken in the title of this thread is a real give away I think.
This is not over. Neither of you must think they have been over persuaded into a decision.
From your last post is it fair to ask if your partner is willing to make a huge effort to keep you? Will she agree to anything to keep you?

OP, I really do think some counselling might be helpful to you and your wife. If you ever did change your plans and decide to go ahead and use a donor then implications counselling would be mandatory anyway (if you went via a clinic). There are practitioners out there with a specialist interest in helping people explore fertility matters - including how to deal with a decision not to conceive, but equally in questions around donor conception. If you do think that might be helpful, I'd suggest you look for someone accreditted by the British Infertility Counselling Association.

why not consider adoption or fostering.
wouldn't your child be just as disrupted by a baby born to you.
that sounds like an excuse.

Think it’s important to read every negative and positive view about donation - to evaluate how you feel. Mine would be a very positive view. It’s also very interesting to read about epigenetics - and donation - and how conditions in the womb affect gene expression.

My DD is 9 years older than DS, and tbh the impact on her life has been hugely positive. She adores her little brother - and it’s brought out a very caring/considerate side to her.

Op you really dont sound sure at all in your decision. No one can predict how a child will feel as they grow up. All we can do as parents is the best for our children. You and your dw both sound like you have so much love to give and that's the most important thing for any child. Genetics doesnt matter a jot.my step dad brought me up from 2 years old i absolutely adore the man and to me he is my dad ive never seen any of my siblings as 'half' siblings. I hand on heart love them all the same as if we all had the same dad. Families come in all shapes and sizes. Please dont think im trying to change your mind on a decision that was obviously very hard for you, im not, just trying to give you a different perspective. All im saying is dont close the door on having a baby if you arent 100%sure. Best wishes to you and your dw. X

@alexdgr8

why not consider adoption or fostering. wouldn't your child be just as disrupted by a baby born to you. that sounds like an excuse.

Op has said she has already considered that option and discounted it. Adoption is not for everyone. I speak as one who knows.

I respect her decision not to have another child by donor and think she will get over this; she and her partner do have a child to bring up and lives to lead.

@minimike

In your introductory post you say that you were a young Mum. Also that you were expecting to increase your family and hit a wall. Do you know why you abandoned straightness and adopted gayness? Was it for the comfort and support you received from your Dear Wife that you did not find elsewhere? Has your wife always been gay? Have you now realised that the fact that your wife can never give you a child is about to become a real problem? If you have a child there will be a fourth person in the relationship. I apologise for all these questions but two posters made points that I realise are vital to you. 1.You are not confident that you have made the right decision for you.

1. The urge to have a child which you seem to have, men do not usually have this. They may like to have a family but it is seldom so strong and overwhelming as it is in many women.

Might this disappointment make re-adopting a straight life style a possibility. In the hope that; Man + woman + commitment = child = family

This is a weird and quite offensive post.

Was that your intention?

I didn't meet my father until I was 17 having been brought up by my mother and her female partner. I am now late forties so this was pretty uncommon when I was young!
I hated not having a father. I felt I was missing out and when people say 'you don't miss what you never had' that is rubbish imo. I never managed to maintain a good relationship with my father after not having him in my life for so long. It hurt. It still hurts.
I resent my mother for not giving me a relationship with my father.

Both my mother and her partner had/have issues though and generally my upbringing was not nice.

I don't think it would always turn out bad but I just wanted to give you my actual experience of being that child.

I think you are very sensible to give this a great deal of thought.