Dw and I decided last night not to have any dc. Heartbroken.

[MalbecLARGE]

Hi,

Just that really. Both women, so need a donor to have a baby, but finally came to the decision last night that we can't do it. We just can't get our heads around the fact that half of our dc genetics will be from a stranger, essentially. I would feel so much guilt and worry. Not that I'm against it generally, I just don't think we can get past that.

We have tried to get our heads around it, but we just can't and last night, I think we drew a line under it and today I feel like hiding in our room and crying.

I already have a dc from a previous relationship and so, I'm lucky to have them and my dw loves them to pieces. Over the past couple of years though, we were desperate to extend our family and it was just a matter of when really. Then we hit a wall and apparently we can't get round or over it.

We can be happy, just us 3, but I know I will always wonder...what if?

I was a young mum and so yes, on the up side we'll have our freedom back early etc, but we did want more dc so much. If only a miracle could happen! But it can't and so I think we now need to make peace with the fact that this is it.

Not sure why I'm posting. Maybe for a bit of support or advice on how to move forward.

Thank you.

Does one of you want a baby more than the other?
Two people can't make a decision. Two people can't have an idea.
Each has to make their own decision and then relay that to the other person.
Unless one person is doing the thinking for both people and the other person puts their needs asides and takes on the viewpoint of the other in order to maintain harmonious outcomes.
You wouldn't be writing here if you were really happy with that decision.
You say 'we can't get our heads around'...etc.
Is that she can't get her head around it or you can't get your head around it? In exactly equal 50 percent amounts.
Or one person can get their head around it, but they said they didn't in order to please the other person.

Sorry to be really blunt (don’t all jump on & hate me) but the fact you wouldn’t have a child because of the genetic side shows that you’re not ready to have a child. Of course that child won’t be in the traditional sense that you’ve already experienced because you’re now with a woman. Science is amazing enough to even offer same sex this opportunity.

The rollercoaster of even getting to that stage is like no other experience, and that’s if you even make it to be so fortunate.

That’s like saying, well I shouldn’t have adopted because my children aren’t genetically mine. There’s so much more to being a Parent than bloodline. Maybe youre decision is for the best.

I always think with the DNA side of things. Think about how much you love your wife, they are your family but you dont share their DNA. That is likely how you will feel with adoption or donor.

My DD was conceived through IVF with donor sperm coz I'm a single mum and she's the best thing that could ever happen to me. The donor conception network can give lots of advice about how and when to tell donor conceived kids and they have age appropriate books about it. I used Cryos and used a donor with an extended profile so we have quite a lot of info about him which I'm hoping makes him seem more real.

I presume all the people saying genetics don't matter have adopted their children out of choice, when they could have had their own? If so, fair play, if not...? Yes, there may be no difference in your mind (I feel as close, if not more close, to my stepdad than my 'bio' dad and often forget my sibling are half siblings) but it's not wrong to crave children that will be yours genetically.

@ivfbeenbusy I totally agree with you, not my friend! I think my friend only sees things from her point of view rather than her future children.

I don't see it either. Lots of women love children whose fathers are far from perfect. The father isn't the child. Somebody suggested your ex could be asked to donate sperm. That would seem a sensible solution.

I agree with the first half but again, using her ex as donor would be a highly unfair solution for her DW and far more likely to cause issues regarding who the child's dad is than pretty much any other man on the planet.

I agree there would be issues. But from the child's point of view it would be the best thing IMHO.

@MalbecLARGE

I'm still a bit confused about your actual problem as your posts seem to be saying different things (understandable are such a difficult & upsetting time). But my overall take is

but there are no guarantees they won't feel incomplete or angry

There are no guarantees with anything in life, including how our children are going to feel in the future, no matter how they're created!!
I think a child created with a donor is less likely to struggle than an adopted child as there's no sense of having been 'given up'

You know you'd live the child completely 'as your own' your DW already has this experience with your DS.

I think you're worrying about things that don't need worrying about to be honest. There are no guarantees in life, nit even for children whose parents live each other, have a family 'naturally' and stay happily together, until one of them dies...

Another couple in the same situation here. We've decided to go for fostering but have considered donors and adoption before coming to this decision.

We found choosing to have a child via sperm donor was too much of a decision. There's never a right time to have a baby and it couldn't happen by accident so there were too many what ifs. On the genetics side I have a genetic condition I don't want to pass on and my wife would struggle with pregnancy.

If you have closed the door on a donor it doesn't mean that all doors to children are closed. Let the decision settle and then look again at other possibilities.

How about and egg donation. That way neither of you would be the biological mum.

O wait. Your both female. ... 😊

I know a few children conceived by donor, and they don't give a toss. They're barely interested. Including the teenagers. I strongly feel that you're worrying about the wrong issues. But I also strongly feel that this is a terrible time to be having more children.

I think until you've been in the position of making difficult decisions around fertility treatment you just don't know how you'd feel. We have two frozen embryos and spent years mulling over what to do with them, going back and forth and being racked with guilt the entire time. The OP and her wife have clearly given a huge amount of thought to it.

The other side of the coin is that children grow up in less than 'perfect' scenarios all the time due to parental absence, death, abuse etc. Two loving, mature adults in a stable home putting a lot of effort into raising a much-wanted child is the really the best you can hope for.

Good luck OP.

OP you say
"Unfortunately, I do have that ache. Doesn't help that my friend has just had a gorgeous baby. I haven't met them yet, but I'm kind of dreading it tbh. Supposed to be in a couple of weeks".

That could stay with you for years, That wish will sneak up on you and gnaw at you at unexpected moments.

Being rational and logical will not count at 2.00am when you are awake in the dark.

I think until you've been in the position of making difficult decisions around fertility treatment you just don't know how you'd feel. We have two frozen embryos and spent years mulling over what to do with them, going back and forth and being racked with guilt the entire time. The OP and her wife have clearly given a huge amount of thought to it.
And on top of that you often find that when you're in the middle of a situation, your feelings are different to the ones you had about it when it was theoretical. I feel so differently about frozen embryos now I actually have some than how I felt about the idea of having them! There's definitely a lot to think about which people who can conceive without assistance generally don't need to think about in detail.

I think you will come to terms with this and are actually being very sensible. The hurt will pass. You already have so much and will be able to live a fulfilling life.

There are plenty of us who only have one child for various reasons and are more than content. I'm sure your wife loves her dearly.

I really don’t know why people are trying to talk OP out of a very painful decision which she and her wife have obviously considered very carefully and with which she is now trying to come to terms.

I wish you all the best, OP.

I can’t really relate to what you are saying OP. I feel you are overthinking the whole thing but hey whatever you think.

OP I agree with you.

I don't think you should rule anything out tbh... maybe it's just not the right time, maybe wait a few years and reassess how you feel then :)

@EmilySpinach

I really don’t know why people are trying to talk OP out of a very painful decision which she and her wife have obviously considered very carefully and with which she is now trying to come to terms.

I wish you all the best, OP.

I agree.

The op didn’t ask folk to convince her to change her mind. She’s feeling sad.
Naturally. It’s a hard decision but for many it’s the right decision.

We decided not to have children because we believe it would be selfish of us to have them, knowing they are at a disadvantage on day one.

The fact that other kids don’t know their dads or have useless parents doesn’t change our position. After the fact, of course crap can happen. But we would only want to have a child if we knew that on day one they would have a strong chance of having no disadvantages. Selecting a random donor just didn’t sit right with us. A child not knowing their dad didn’t feel right to us. We spent a lot of money before deciding not to proceed. Very hard decision.

It gets easier with time but we have tried to avoid children (family and friends) as much as possible for a long time. Their parents are so utterly self absorbed, they don’t understand why we don’t want to share the joy of them raising their children......best not to expect parents to understand. That was the part that surprised me most. Exceptionally insensitive - no comprehension that we have been grieving for what might have been for a long time and that being around their children is painful. Perhaps because we ‘chose’ not to proceed they think we should not be sad. Strange view. But there is a distance with some friends and family as a result.

Wow, some really thought provoking and lovely comments on here. Been quite choked reading them.

I do get that my posts probably do sound a little muddled and that is probably for two reasons. 1, it's very raw and I'm upset - and 2, even though this is the decision we've just come to, it doesn't mean I'm absolutely sure it's the right thing, so I probablydo sound a little uncertain and confused....because I am.

@sadie9, I wouldn't say so, no. We both want them the same, but possibly in slightly different ways, if that makes sense. For example, I have a desire to actually grow and nurture them, whereas my dw doesn't really get the whole needing to be pregnant thing and just likes the idea of being a bigger, happy family. I was always the one more concerned about the genetic side of things and I think last night was the first time dw really understood my point and agreed that maybe it wouldn't be right for us/for them afterall.

@EmilySpinach, tbf I have probably sounded a bit wobbly in my posts about our decision and I think some posters probably think I'm being a bit hasty and perhaps making the wrong decision, based on my reasoning.

I have a friend who adopted because she ‘couldn’t’ have children! She was actually adopted herself. 18 months later she found out she was pregnant! She actually ended up having 2 dd’s naturally, plus her adopted dd! It didn’t make any difference to how she felt about adopted dd, she loved them all equally. They are all grown up now and have their own lives, but to be honest, she is probably closer to adopted dd than her birth children!

Can I ask why you chose not to take up your bil's offer of sperm donation? To me that seems like the ideal, you'd both share dna with the baby and they would have a relationship with their bio father, your dw's parents would be their bio grandparents etc.