Hi everyone,
I am 56, healthy, have a good job and loving adult children. I have my own home, car and should on paper be fine. However, I woke up recently, and realised that my life was just empty, and completely revolved around the needs of my quiet, undemanding partner. I had not desires, no ability to have fun, nothing to look forward to or interests outside work and home, 1 friend and no intimacy to speak of for 5 years.
I've been in a relationship with this man for 15 years. I have had enough experiences, spoken to enough friends and family, read enough stuff to now know that I have been, and continue to be manipulated.
Without a long drawn out series of explanations about what he has subtly done over the years, lets just say that no-one likes him and it is never his fault for anything. He compains and talks about his work, and yet is not really interested in mine. He relates stories of his life when things were brilliant, and yet cuts me off when I try to talk about my past. He is always 'suffering' somehow, is ill a lot with non-specific (and some clearly true) health issues that disrupt our life, but won't go to the doctor, and he cries at the drop of a hat. He is the master of chair sitting.
I finished the relationship last October. He has refused to leave, many excuses, 6 weeks of counselling resulted in the 'New man, I can change and give you this wonderful life' over and over again, no matter what I say, or how many times I said leave, please just leave!
So he oh so nicely and tearfully explains that because I am taking his whole life away from him, I should pay him from the house. (It is my house which I owned on a mortgage for 15 years before he moved in.) He lived off me for 3 years and then has paid 350-400 a month since then, including all food, and his mobile phone until recently.
So, very long story short, 11 months later he is still here. Due to his nature, he is very quiet and is being oh so nice without actually doing anything to move out.
He basically is asking me to compensate him for the 15 years together and won't move out until he has enough money. He has pushed me and I have offered him 15k, but the house needs repairs to a small extension he paid for over 10 years ago (which is what he says is his beneficial interest in the house) and it will wipe me out.
I am still losing his money each month anyway, so taking a loan as well is not really on just to make his life easier. So I want to back track to 10k. Even my mild mannered mum thinks I am giving him too much, and most of the few friends I havent' been isolated from say I don't owe him anything.
The guilt trips however have been horrendous, its like I have an obligation to him like one of my own kids (who can't stand him btw and are now grown up and left home). From what I understand, this emotional response is due to his manipulation over many years, and whilst I intellectually understand it, I am finding it very hard to fight it.
I don't have a solicitor, and he keeps trying to put me off by saying we can work this out and that he needs a decent home (and I should help him).
I would really appreciate people's thoughts on my situation.