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Original poster

Parent encouraging DD to exclude my DD

107 replies

Livvygator · 04/09/2020 18:11

So it was the first day of secondary school yesterday. My DD is friend with a girl called A and they have been friends with each other since they were 3 and have been together all throughout school except for the last couple of years they have been in different classes for the last couple of years. They are still good friends and are now going to be in the same form at secondary school. My DD wanted to walk to school with A on the first day so that they could arrive together (being in the same form) but she lives in the opposite direction so they were going to meet along the way except her Mother had given her a load of rules she had to stick to like you can't take your phone! You can't stop on the way. (whilst saying she was give A her independence). The day before school A spent the day at our house and we took her on a day out and she came out with our family for a meal. A's mother was vague about arrangements for school and said she didn't want to get involved and they would organise meeting (impossible task with all the rules) and they are only 11!

Anyway on the morning my daughter was really anxious about walking on her own so I said I would drive her in the opposite direction to A's house. I called A's mother after she didn't reply to my message and she told me A was walking with L and said she didn't want to get involved. It was obvious she did not want A walking with my daughter :( I said well could she walk with A & L? Perhaps I can ask L's mum if my dd could walk with them and she said up to you but I am giving A the indolence to work out het journey to school herself!! So I was really upset at this point. I messaged L's mum and she was more than happy for my DD to walk with them so I dropped her round there and then all walked together to school. This is long. Are you with me?

So then me and A's mother ended up having an argument over messages. She basically tells me some girls don't like my DD and that her DD likes to keep her friendships separate so she's basically encouraging her DD to exclude my DD so that she can walk with the other friends (who are friends with my DD too just not in the same class) WTF how can someone be so mean!! I said so you would rather my 11yr old DD walks to school on her own because of that. Its a 10 min walk and was only just for that day. I also said if you had called me because A wanted to walk with my DD I would have said yes right away. Mums look out for each others kids!!! I.m so upset about this and very very angry!!! What a BITCH!!! I thought I was friends with this woman, having been out on nights out/abroad but she actually said she only cares about the girls and doesn't want drama on her Childs first day at secondary school!! I'm so angry!!!!!!!!!! What a BITCH. AIBU

OP posts:
littlebirdieblue · 04/09/2020 18:18

It could be that A doesn't want to walk with your daughter, and A's mum knows but doesn't want to say it outright. Friendships change all the time at this age, and it's really not worth getting too involved. You'll find you will be falling out with a lot of mums if you get involved all the time. Meanwhile the children will all be making friends again next week.

Poppinjay · 04/09/2020 18:19

At 11, they should be left to sort their own arrangements re walking to school. It seems quite OTT to drive your child past the school to walk back with another child. It isn't sustainable anyway so why not let your DD find someone to walk with who lives in the same direction?

Their friendships are all going to change now anyway so you need to step back and leave them to it. Being involved to this level is likely to disadvantage your DD.

Panicmode1 · 04/09/2020 18:23

I completely understand why you are upset, but as someone who is now into the 4th year of secondary school girls and their fall outs and friendship issues, I would say - stay WELL out of it, let the girls sort it out between them and do not get involved - with the mothers or the daughters.....!

Cynara · 04/09/2020 18:28

I agree with pp. You seem extremely involved in this and as your DD is 11 this seems unsustainable. Step back and let her manage her own friendships. If walking alone makes your DD uncomfortable, perhaps you could walk with her/drive some or all of the way to give her time to build confidence.

Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 18:28

@littlebirdieblue

It could be that A doesn't want to walk with your daughter, and A's mum knows but doesn't want to say it outright. Friendships change all the time at this age, and it's really not worth getting too involved. You'll find you will be falling out with a lot of mums if you get involved all the time. Meanwhile the children will all be making friends again next week.
I know that she did want to walk with my DD. I wouldn't normally get involved but my DD was anxious about going alone... If the mum was up front in the beginning we would have had time to make other arrangements
OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 04/09/2020 18:29

Are they Y7 or Y8? If Y7 I can understand the first day is a bit scary. I don't think it was nice of A, and maybe she was making excuses.

Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 18:29

@Panicmode1

I completely understand why you are upset, but as someone who is now into the 4th year of secondary school girls and their fall outs and friendship issues, I would say - stay WELL out of it, let the girls sort it out between them and do not get involved - with the mothers or the daughters.....!
Yeah I know I have an older one too and have had no problems. Im just used to people who look out for each others kids and I'm shocked and upset how someone who I thought was a friend clearly does not give a shit about me or my dd
OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 18:31

@MerryMarigold

Are they Y7 or Y8? If Y7 I can understand the first day is a bit scary. I don't think it was nice of A, and maybe she was making excuses.
Year 7. L's mum was lovely and helpful even though my DD isn't really that great friends with her. more the merrier was what she said whereas the woman who I thought was a friend wanted to exclude!!
OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 18:32

@Cynara

I agree with pp. You seem extremely involved in this and as your DD is 11 this seems unsustainable. Step back and let her manage her own friendships. If walking alone makes your DD uncomfortable, perhaps you could walk with her/drive some or all of the way to give her time to build confidence.
I'm actually quite laid back. it was the first day at the new school. No transitions or anything because of COVID. My DD was anxious. So I had to help her in some way and if it was the other way I would have helped them out!
OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 18:34

@Poppinjay

At 11, they should be left to sort their own arrangements re walking to school. It seems quite OTT to drive your child past the school to walk back with another child. It isn't sustainable anyway so why not let your DD find someone to walk with who lives in the same direction?

Their friendships are all going to change now anyway so you need to step back and leave them to it. Being involved to this level is likely to disadvantage your DD.

this was just for the 1st day! a 10 min walk with a girls who has been a friend since age 3. didn't think it would be a biggie..... she has a friend to walk with from our way it was just because it was the first day and the girl and her are in the same form
OP posts:
Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 04/09/2020 18:34

I think she was upfront from the beginning.

Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 18:35

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I think she was upfront from the beginning.
no she wasn't she was vague
OP posts:
SBTLove · 04/09/2020 18:35

Please take a breath and step back, they are in high school and they don’t need mummy arranging play dates and who they’ll walk to school.
Driving to the friend to walk together is ridiculous, your DD can walk to school and meet her friends there.
You are way too involved, I’m cringing that you escalated this 🙄

itsgettingweird · 04/09/2020 18:36

I think your first clue was when she kept saying "I'm keeping out of it"

Saying this repeatedly whilst you know she's getting involved should be a red flag.

I'd encourage your dd to text her friend direct to arrange meeting or even if her and L are going that way to text L?

Hopefully she'll meet other children who are walking her way the next week and form a new walking group.

What you need to encourage is for her to stick to that new group of A suddenly decides to want to start arranging to meet and walk.

Greeneyes78 · 04/09/2020 18:36

what a bitch indeed op. My dd started secondary yesterday, hope your girl had a great first day. Likely she will make new friends who she can walk with Smile

Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 18:37

@SBTLove

Please take a breath and step back, they are in high school and they don’t need mummy arranging play dates and who they’ll walk to school. Driving to the friend to walk together is ridiculous, your DD can walk to school and meet her friends there. You are way too involved, I’m cringing that you escalated this 🙄
ha ha ha ha how rude
OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 04/09/2020 18:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 18:37

@Greeneyes78

what a bitch indeed op. My dd started secondary yesterday, hope your girl had a great first day. Likely she will make new friends who she can walk with Smile
Thank you xxx
OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 04/09/2020 18:38

It sounds like friend's mum is trying to encourage her daughter to spread her wings a bit, but is doing it in an unkind way. There appears to be an undertone of her being concerned that being seen with your DD might hinder her daughter making new friends.

On the other hand, it could be that whilst A and your daughter are friends, she finds the closeness too much and your daughter could be clingy in a way that makes it hard for others to branch out (no criticism by the way). A's mum could be suggesting some distance so that her daughter meets a range of people instead of sticking with one old friend at the start of secondary school.

As secondary tutors we always encourage students to mix with different people and different classes, get outside their primary bubble and so on in the first few weeks as that's when everyone is in the same boat. It's harder to make new friends a few months in when everyone else has already made friends and you've spent the time clinging to primary friends.

If your DD is finding the move to secondary school difficult then it might be worth contacting her tutor or head of year to let them know.

Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 18:39

@Wearywithteens

I say this kindly, because I would’ve been upset about this too but secondary school is where parents should just keep out of their kids’ friendships. And yes, I mean on day one. It starts as soon as that.

What I’ve learned is that at secondary school teenagers have wheels within wheels. Its the politics/dynamics within all the different permutations of classes, forms, cool kids, rich kids, sport kids, old friends/new friends, postcodes etc. It is a whole other matrix that parents won’t understand and are likely to fuck up so kids are pathological about not telling their parents anything and keeping them away from it all.

Yes, on the face of it A’s mother was a bitch but for your dd’s sake I would move on and just concentrate on getting your dd settled with other friends as soon as possible and try not to dwell on the old primary school world.

Yeah I haven't been that involved at all its just because she is ANXIOUS. I don't usually get involved but I had to on this occasion and came away upset and angry
OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 18:41

@LolaSmiles

It sounds like friend's mum is trying to encourage her daughter to spread her wings a bit, but is doing it in an unkind way. There appears to be an undertone of her being concerned that being seen with your DD might hinder her daughter making new friends.

On the other hand, it could be that whilst A and your daughter are friends, she finds the closeness too much and your daughter could be clingy in a way that makes it hard for others to branch out (no criticism by the way). A's mum could be suggesting some distance so that her daughter meets a range of people instead of sticking with one old friend at the start of secondary school.

As secondary tutors we always encourage students to mix with different people and different classes, get outside their primary bubble and so on in the first few weeks as that's when everyone is in the same boat. It's harder to make new friends a few months in when everyone else has already made friends and you've spent the time clinging to primary friends.

If your DD is finding the move to secondary school difficult then it might be worth contacting her tutor or head of year to let them know.

My daughter has lots of different friends and is usually quite confident. she only wanted to walk with this friend on the very first day. She isn't bothered about it for the rest and it wouldn't work anyway as I'm not driving her there. She knows she has to walk herself and has already made arrangements for next week.
OP posts:
SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 04/09/2020 18:44

This is crazy. Let your daughter make her own arrangements and stay out of it. It's secondary, not primary.

nachthexe · 04/09/2020 18:44

Oh god. Honestly, if you keep yelling at other parents about how they choose to parent their kids, your dd is going to be completely ostracized. Spectacular own goal and you’ve now made it less likely for your dd to maintain the friendship. There are a lot of kids who have ‘out of school’ friends that they really don’t hang out with in school at all at this point, while they figure out their identities. You have to protect the out of school friendships, not alienate them by trying to force them in school too.
Step away.
And I hope it hasn’t made things awkward between your dd and her peer group.
You should probably also apologize to the second mum for putting her in an awkward position. Just say sorry, you didn’t realise x felt so strongly. (Even though you clearly did, as you deliberately circumvented to get your own way).

SBTLove · 04/09/2020 18:46

Ah I see OP is likely to flounce, I’m rude because I disagreed with her behaviour, ok 🤣🤣
Why post if you don’t want different opinions 🙄

LolaSmiles · 04/09/2020 18:47

My daughter has lots of different friends and is usually quite confident. she only wanted to walk with this friend on the very first day. She isn't bothered about it for the rest and it wouldn't work anyway as I'm not driving her there. She knows she has to walk herself and has already made arrangements for next week
I'm glad she's sorted for the future.
A's mum has been unkind. I was just considering other sides. Teachers have seen all sorts of variations on Year 7 friendships.

Definitely consider talking to her tutor if this situation with A continues or she gets upset at the start of the year. Hopefully A's mum will keep her nose out a bit more in future because parental meddling like that often fuels needless upset for the children involved.

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