Parent encouraging DD to exclude my DD

[Livvygator]

So it was the first day of secondary school yesterday. My DD is friend with a girl called A and they have been friends with each other since they were 3 and have been together all throughout school except for the last couple of years they have been in different classes for the last couple of years. They are still good friends and are now going to be in the same form at secondary school. My DD wanted to walk to school with A on the first day so that they could arrive together (being in the same form) but she lives in the opposite direction so they were going to meet along the way except her Mother had given her a load of rules she had to stick to like you can't take your phone! You can't stop on the way. (whilst saying she was give A her independence). The day before school A spent the day at our house and we took her on a day out and she came out with our family for a meal. A's mother was vague about arrangements for school and said she didn't want to get involved and they would organise meeting (impossible task with all the rules) and they are only 11!

Anyway on the morning my daughter was really anxious about walking on her own so I said I would drive her in the opposite direction to A's house. I called A's mother after she didn't reply to my message and she told me A was walking with L and said she didn't want to get involved. It was obvious she did not want A walking with my daughter :( I said well could she walk with A & L? Perhaps I can ask L's mum if my dd could walk with them and she said up to you but I am giving A the indolence to work out het journey to school herself!! So I was really upset at this point. I messaged L's mum and she was more than happy for my DD to walk with them so I dropped her round there and then all walked together to school. This is long. Are you with me?

So then me and A's mother ended up having an argument over messages. She basically tells me some girls don't like my DD and that her DD likes to keep her friendships separate so she's basically encouraging her DD to exclude my DD so that she can walk with the other friends (who are friends with my DD too just not in the same class) WTF how can someone be so mean!! I said so you would rather my 11yr old DD walks to school on her own because of that. Its a 10 min walk and was only just for that day. I also said if you had called me because A wanted to walk with my DD I would have said yes right away. Mums look out for each others kids!!! I.m so upset about this and very very angry!!! What a BITCH!!! I thought I was friends with this woman, having been out on nights out/abroad but she actually said she only cares about the girls and doesn't want drama on her Childs first day at secondary school!! I'm so angry!!!!!!!!!! What a BITCH. AIBU

@eaglejulesk

You need to step back and let the girls sort it out themselves. How will your daughter every cope with life's problems if you continue to be so involved in her life?

I have explained several times you aren’t able to take it in are you dear !

@Onceuponatimethen

Can’t see anything wrong in helping an 11 y Old Organise someone to walk in with. Especially this year when the kids have been out of school so long and haven’t had any of the normal transition stuff. My friend’s ds was crying this week because he’s so scared to start senior school. She has organised someone for him to walk with as he doesn’t have his own mobile so how would he do it?

If the other mum had posted saying “I’m telling my dd to leave out a school friend even though I’m quite happy for her to spend days at the other mums place - free childcare for me” then everyone would be saying YABU this is bullying and you really are a cf.

Thank you for reading and understanding and being sympathetic xxx

@eaglejulesk

This was the first day at senior school. No normal person would dump a kid in it to walk in alone. That is just shit

I think you will find plenty of kids who walk in alone on their first day at senior school. What's going to happen on her first day at work, are you going to arrange for someone to take her? Your DD needs to learn to deal with this sort of thing, or she is going to be an anxious mess for the rest of her life.

Good for them. Everyone is different. My child is not an anxious mess. It was the first day of secondary school. NO TRANSITION due to COVID just wanted to go with a friend that morning not get married to her and move in. Are you stupid?

It sounds like A's mum behaved horribly. Even if A does want to focus on new or other friends, what is so terrible about including someone on the first day? Over the weeks new friendships will form and groups will change, anyhow. She sounds an utter bitch - she could have just said A had already made other arrangements before the first say, leaving your daughter hanging.

I don't think parents need to interfere with friendships but they should be guiding their children towards being decent human beings who consider others' feelings. The mother sounds like she hasn't evolved from being a tween herself.

I think some posters have been really harsh and am assuming their child isn't starting
Y7 this month. My daughter missed out transitions day last year although she was able to do a couple of short visits so I really feel for the Y7s who are going in to an unknown environment and can understand why she wanted a friend for moral support.
I wouldn't cut this girl off though or say she can't come to your house, that's a bit mean. After all it's not her fault her mum is a bitch.
It's possible your daughter will want to stay friends with A and I don't think you should discourage that (my oldest daughter is in Y10 and still has the best friend she had at primary school) but just see what happens. I
I wouldn't bother with the mum again though.

Some of these responses are downright unreasonable, but I don't think you are, OP. First day of secondary school is nervy. I distinctly remember feeling nervous, yet have managed to navigate through life without being a nervous wreck.

Surprised at the negative responses you have had on here. My daughter also started secondary school last week and us parents made sure that they each had someone to walk to school with. Both of safety and for the fact that they were nervous and anxious.

If you hadn't stepped in your daughter could have faced her first day in comp alone. Good for you I say. It might well be time to step back but not for the very first walk to school!??

And yes... What a complete bitch! Especially after she'd let her daughter stay with you all of the previous day!!

@Cam2020 I AM actually (secretly) a nervous wreck and have accepted as an adult that I probably have adult ADHD, no dx yet and haven’t decided whether to fight to get one.

I always feel on this kind of thread that even if us mums and kids are excessively anxious - which I’m sure op and her dd aren’t - but I and my dds definitely are, then we are just as deserving of help. If anything us hyper anxious types need help and support more, even if we don’t have a formal dx.

Strangely experts like CAMHS etc don’t seem to think just telling people to grow a pair is the best way ahead. Yet that is often the attitude here, which I find quite depressing!

OP
I agree with Molly Button. Some nasty responses on here. In particular the idiot who was clearly trying to wind you up saying you were flouncing. Ignore.
Tbey do make their own friendships yes but in the situation you havd described this mother was clearly nasty.
Cut her out and don't bother with her at all anymore.
Parents like this set terrible example to kids instead of teaching them to be decebt human beings and consider other people's feelings.

Am i the only one who thinks it is odd that all those piling on to you about your behaviour, not saying a word about how shitty it is for a parent to say to another that other kids don't like yours????? Is that acceptable nowadats. Holy fuck how depressing.

Exactly milliebee, happy enough for her daughter to spend all day with yours out of school but not walking to school. I agree completely. The other mother is the over invested ridiculous one if anyone is in this scenario. And downright nasty too.

Is it possible your DD isn’t as well liked as you think she is? I work at a school and we see parents (usually mums) who get very cross at other people for leaving their child out when the reason they’re doing that is because the child and/or parent is pushing friendships with children who don’t actually want to be friends with them. They then are outraged and see themselves as the victims of bullying/ nastiness without realising how other people see them.

The critics would be spitting feathers if this were done to their own child 🙄

Other mother is a fool she’s well and truly burned her bridges with ops family now - and for what? If she’d just left it the girls would have walked together naturally drifted off into new friendships with no bad feeling. Now the op rightly hates the other mothers guts! Great people management there!

I always feel on this kind of thread that even if us mums and kids are excessively anxious - which I’m sure op and her dd aren’t - but I and my dds definitely are, then we are just as deserving of help. If anything us hyper anxious types need help and support more, even if we don’t have a formal dx.

Absolutely. Not long ago it was all messages of 'be kind', but talk is cheap! We all need some help at times!

I agree the mother has been a nasty bitch. It's odd because she was clearly happy for her daughter to spend a whole day with your daughter and family, at your expense too.

This leads me to think it's not that your daughter is disliked but perhaps that she's worried and jealous that your daughter is more likeable/popular than hers. Could that be it? She didn't want your daughter joining A and L in case L prefers her and A ends up being the hanger on (not that your daughter sounds like someone who excludes people).

I may be totally barking up the wrong tree but something similar happened with my son at primary. He was "best friends" with another lad, B. They were also friendly with C and often hung out as a 3. However C's mother had chosen B's mother as a best friend and was determined that B would be her son's best friend and seemed to think my son was in the way. My son is very outgoing and gregarious. C was also a year younger than the other 2 and i think she was agitated that if one was a bit more left out naturally it would be C. She would go out of her way to engineer meet ups, school runs etc that excluded my son. Plastered Facebook with photos of her son with his "bestie". (Luckily the boys were oblivious and continued their friendship in the same way.) Our daughters are now in the same class and I'm giving her a wide berth!

In short, perhaps she's worried that it's her daughter who tends to be disliked/left out. Saying that about yours seems either really nasty or really desperate.

Is it possible your DD isn’t as well liked as you think she is? I work at a school and we see parents (usually mums) who get very cross at other people for leaving their child out when the reason they’re doing that is because the child and/or parent is pushing friendships with children who don’t actually want to be friends with them. They then are outraged and see themselves as the victims of bullying/ nastiness without realising how other people see them.

I'm sure this does happen quite often, but why not say A had already made arrangements beforehand? It was mean to have left OP's daughter hanging like that when she could have made alternative arrangements with another friend and left her to potentially go in alone on her first day. I might expect an 11 year old to do that, but not a fully grown woman.

I sound way over invested in this, but I can't stand this sort of behaviour and really don't like the stick the OP is getting - not directed at you at all AngelFruit, I mean the threads attacking the OP and suggesting she's trying to run her 11 years old's life.

Yep agree @Cam2020

You are good enough for her DD when it's on her terms and taking her DD out for the day and for a meal though!
She sounds like an absolute bitch.
Really cruel of the mum not to facilitate a meet-up with your DD.
Sounds like she's friendly with L's mum and she's trying to exclude your DD ( unless it suits and you'll take her DD of her hands on days out- in which case she'll use you)

@Thierryhenryneedisaymore

OP I agree with Molly Button. Some nasty responses on here. In particular the idiot who was clearly trying to wind you up saying you were flouncing. Ignore. Tbey do make their own friendships yes but in the situation you havd described this mother was clearly nasty. Cut her out and don't bother with her at all anymore. Parents like this set terrible example to kids instead of teaching them to be decebt human beings and consider other people's feelings.

Am i the only one who thinks it is odd that all those piling on to you about your behaviour, not saying a word about how shitty it is for a parent to say to another that other kids don't like yours????? Is that acceptable nowadats. Holy fuck how depressing.

Pretty weird to be honest. I’m not easily offended though and those who have been ridiculous and mean are just as bad as the woman I’m talking about! Hope all those who have been rude and mean are feeling stupid!! 🤣🤣🤣

@Spied

You are good enough for her DD when it's on her terms and taking her DD out for the day and for a meal though! She sounds like an absolute bitch. Really cruel of the mum not to facilitate a meet-up with your DD. Sounds like she's friendly with L's mum and she's trying to exclude your DD ( unless it suits and you'll take her DD of her hands on days out- in which case she'll use you)

Yep 👍🏻 Thank you xx

@Cam2020

Is it possible your DD isn’t as well liked as you think she is? I work at a school and we see parents (usually mums) who get very cross at other people for leaving their child out when the reason they’re doing that is because the child and/or parent is pushing friendships with children who don’t actually want to be friends with them. They then are outraged and see themselves as the victims of bullying/ nastiness without realising how other people see them.

I'm sure this does happen quite often, but why not say A had already made arrangements beforehand? It was mean to have left OP's daughter hanging like that when she could have made alternative arrangements with another friend and left her to potentially go in alone on her first day. I might expect an 11 year old to do that, but not a fully grown woman.

I sound way over invested in this, but I can't stand this sort of behaviour and really don't like the stick the OP is getting - not directed at you at all AngelFruit, I mean the threads attacking the OP and suggesting she's trying to run her 11 years old's life.

💐

@honeylulu

I agree the mother has been a nasty bitch. It's odd because she was clearly happy for her daughter to spend a whole day with your daughter and family, at your expense too.

This leads me to think it's not that your daughter is disliked but perhaps that she's worried and jealous that your daughter is more likeable/popular than hers. Could that be it? She didn't want your daughter joining A and L in case L prefers her and A ends up being the hanger on (not that your daughter sounds like someone who excludes people).

I may be totally barking up the wrong tree but something similar happened with my son at primary. He was "best friends" with another lad, B. They were also friendly with C and often hung out as a 3. However C's mother had chosen B's mother as a best friend and was determined that B would be her son's best friend and seemed to think my son was in the way. My son is very outgoing and gregarious. C was also a year younger than the other 2 and i think she was agitated that if one was a bit more left out naturally it would be C. She would go out of her way to engineer meet ups, school runs etc that excluded my son. Plastered Facebook with photos of her son with his "bestie". (Luckily the boys were oblivious and continued their friendship in the same way.) Our daughters are now in the same class and I'm giving her a wide berth!

In short, perhaps she's worried that it's her daughter who tends to be disliked/left out. Saying that about yours seems either really nasty or really desperate.

Thank you. Xx 😘 💐

@1AngelicFruitCake

Is it possible your DD isn’t as well liked as you think she is? I work at a school and we see parents (usually mums) who get very cross at other people for leaving their child out when the reason they’re doing that is because the child and/or parent is pushing friendships with children who don’t actually want to be friends with them. They then are outraged and see themselves as the victims of bullying/ nastiness without realising how other people see them.

Possibly? Who knows? I don’t usually get involved. My dad just wanted to walk with someone for 10 mins on the first day

Omg spelling correct keeps changing dd to dad 🤣🤣🤣🤣

@1AngelicFruitCake

Is it possible your DD isn’t as well liked as you think she is? I work at a school and we see parents (usually mums) who get very cross at other people for leaving their child out when the reason they’re doing that is because the child and/or parent is pushing friendships with children who don’t actually want to be friends with them. They then are outraged and see themselves as the victims of bullying/ nastiness without realising how other people see them.

Quite a mean message though.

How is it mean? I agree that it was mean to leave a child out on their first ever day at school. However, I was trying to get you to take a step back and consider if it could be true. I find it hard to look at my own children objectively but sometimes it’s the only way to address a problem and do something about it.

Cam2020
Thank you. I was trying to give the OP a different perspective and I agree that some posters have really piled in on her.