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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Parent encouraging DD to exclude my DD

107 replies

Livvygator · 04/09/2020 18:11

So it was the first day of secondary school yesterday. My DD is friend with a girl called A and they have been friends with each other since they were 3 and have been together all throughout school except for the last couple of years they have been in different classes for the last couple of years. They are still good friends and are now going to be in the same form at secondary school. My DD wanted to walk to school with A on the first day so that they could arrive together (being in the same form) but she lives in the opposite direction so they were going to meet along the way except her Mother had given her a load of rules she had to stick to like you can't take your phone! You can't stop on the way. (whilst saying she was give A her independence). The day before school A spent the day at our house and we took her on a day out and she came out with our family for a meal. A's mother was vague about arrangements for school and said she didn't want to get involved and they would organise meeting (impossible task with all the rules) and they are only 11!

Anyway on the morning my daughter was really anxious about walking on her own so I said I would drive her in the opposite direction to A's house. I called A's mother after she didn't reply to my message and she told me A was walking with L and said she didn't want to get involved. It was obvious she did not want A walking with my daughter :( I said well could she walk with A & L? Perhaps I can ask L's mum if my dd could walk with them and she said up to you but I am giving A the indolence to work out het journey to school herself!! So I was really upset at this point. I messaged L's mum and she was more than happy for my DD to walk with them so I dropped her round there and then all walked together to school. This is long. Are you with me?

So then me and A's mother ended up having an argument over messages. She basically tells me some girls don't like my DD and that her DD likes to keep her friendships separate so she's basically encouraging her DD to exclude my DD so that she can walk with the other friends (who are friends with my DD too just not in the same class) WTF how can someone be so mean!! I said so you would rather my 11yr old DD walks to school on her own because of that. Its a 10 min walk and was only just for that day. I also said if you had called me because A wanted to walk with my DD I would have said yes right away. Mums look out for each others kids!!! I.m so upset about this and very very angry!!! What a BITCH!!! I thought I was friends with this woman, having been out on nights out/abroad but she actually said she only cares about the girls and doesn't want drama on her Childs first day at secondary school!! I'm so angry!!!!!!!!!! What a BITCH. AIBU

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 23:06

@FelicityPike

Couldn’t your DD have just walked the 10 minutes to school on her own and met her friend in the playground? I understand being nervous but it was only 10 minutes. Just seems a helluva fuss and now a (potentially) ruined friendship for absolutely nothing.
Yeah it was only 10 minutes to walk with her friend who she spent the entire day with the day b4 but who’s mum did not want to do the 10 min walk with!
OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 23:08

@nachthexe

Oh god. Honestly, if you keep yelling at other parents about how they choose to parent their kids, your dd is going to be completely ostracized. Spectacular own goal and you’ve now made it less likely for your dd to maintain the friendship. There are a lot of kids who have ‘out of school’ friends that they really don’t hang out with in school at all at this point, while they figure out their identities. You have to protect the out of school friendships, not alienate them by trying to force them in school too. Step away. And I hope it hasn’t made things awkward between your dd and her peer group. You should probably also apologize to the second mum for putting her in an awkward position. Just say sorry, you didn’t realise x felt so strongly. (Even though you clearly did, as you deliberately circumvented to get your own way).
The girls are all fine. They walked to school together. All fine. Just the mum and me have fallen out. She said she doesn’t care about our friendship so that’s the end of that! My dad has lots of friends in and out of school. Just wanted the form room friends to walk in with on the 1st day!! I swear mumsnet does not listen!!
OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 23:19

I mean dd not dad!! Grin

OP posts:
Dollyrocket · 05/09/2020 00:26

Facepalming myself to an early grave Grin

Original poster
Livvygator · 05/09/2020 00:30

@AllsortsofAwkward

Youre not listening to what anyone says you going to ostracised youre dd. But crack on love 👍
Grin
OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 05/09/2020 00:43

By the way for all those mumsnetters worried about whether I’m managing my dd’s secondary school experience as good as them!! I have a year 9 who so far has managed herself for the last 2 years. My new year 7 had a slight worry which I thought could be resolved by a bit of reassurance by a friend and her daughter! This was not to be!!!!
So anyway she has lots of friends, I haven’t made a deal etc...

OP posts:
Iloveme30 · 05/09/2020 00:45

And ....
BREATHE 😂

Original poster
Livvygator · 05/09/2020 00:48

@Iloveme30

And .... BREATHE 😂
GrinWink
OP posts:
eaglejulesk · 05/09/2020 00:54

You need to step back and let the girls sort it out themselves. How will your daughter every cope with life's problems if you continue to be so involved in her life?

eaglejulesk · 05/09/2020 00:58

This was the first day at senior school. No normal person would dump a kid in it to walk in alone. That is just shit

I think you will find plenty of kids who walk in alone on their first day at senior school. What's going to happen on her first day at work, are you going to arrange for someone to take her? Your DD needs to learn to deal with this sort of thing, or she is going to be an anxious mess for the rest of her life.

Original poster
Livvygator · 05/09/2020 01:02

@eaglejulesk

You need to step back and let the girls sort it out themselves. How will your daughter every cope with life's problems if you continue to be so involved in her life?
Smile
OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 05/09/2020 01:02

@eaglejulesk

This was the first day at senior school. No normal person would dump a kid in it to walk in alone. That is just shit

I think you will find plenty of kids who walk in alone on their first day at senior school. What's going to happen on her first day at work, are you going to arrange for someone to take her? Your DD needs to learn to deal with this sort of thing, or she is going to be an anxious mess for the rest of her life.

Smile
OP posts:
Onceuponatimethen · 05/09/2020 06:49

Can’t see anything wrong in helping an 11 y Old Organise someone to walk in with. Especially this year when the kids have been out of school so long and haven’t had any of the normal transition stuff. My friend’s ds was crying this week because he’s so scared to start senior school. She has organised someone for him to walk with as he doesn’t have his own mobile so how would he do it?

If the other mum had posted saying “I’m telling my dd to leave out a school friend even though I’m quite happy for her to spend days at the other mums place - free childcare for me” then everyone would be saying YABU this is bullying and you really are a cf.

MollyButton · 05/09/2020 07:51

@SBTLove "do you have to be so rude and unkind?"

Really this thread is awful.
It is perfectly normal for someone to be nervous on their first day of secondary and want to walk with someone else. Although I'd have tried to see if there was someone more local my DD could and would walk with.
The other mother sounds awful - but at least you know now.

Onceuponatimethen · 05/09/2020 08:02

To be honest I don’t know anyone whose kid is starting secondary this week who HASN'T said their kids are nervous

Also not sure how with covid meaning kids aren’t playing out independently in the same way an 11 year old is supposed to have sorted out their own walking partner?

Friendsoftheearth · 05/09/2020 08:07

Given your girls have been friends since they were 3 years old I don't think it is too much to ask if your dd is feeling nervous that they all walk in together! If I were the other parent of course I would oblige, even if my dd wanted to walk with others, I would explain that it is kind to support others, especially on the first day!

The other mother could have said the first day is fine, but the girls can sort themselves out afterwards.

I would be wary about someone dressed up as a friend, but is really not a good friend at all, and as you have done already make sure dd makes lots of new friends and organises a walk with others - it is better not to rely on friends like A. Superficial friends are best avoided, so an easy lesson for your dd - she can go on to make proper friends that won't leave her out (esp on the first day of school!)

TheListeners · 05/09/2020 08:11

I don't think you did anything wrong op. I think the mum saying that her dd likes to keep her friends separate is a bit weird. I also think that having her dd spend the day with you the day before school starts and then happily arrange to exclude your dd for the walk to school is just mean. Hope your dd had a good day.

MsTSwift · 05/09/2020 08:15

I totally get it even the most hands off parent surely would want to make sure their 11 year old had a pal to walk with on the first day of secondary 🙄

We are in a large WhatsApp group and made sure no one was left on their own. Now they in day 2 they back to sorting it themselves

Friendsoftheearth · 05/09/2020 08:18

If I could also gently mention that it sounds to me like A wants to pull away from old friends and start afresh and make new friends etc. It is not unusual at this stage.
Her mother feels awkward because she has known you for so long, so it has been handled very badly in the end, especially given they are still accepting days outs and dinners with you!! If she wanted to fade the friendship out she could have done so more easily if they were not seeing each other socially.

It is a horrible age for friendships, it really is. The good news is that your dd has the chance now to broaden her social circle now, and not have to rely on A any longer.

MsTSwift · 05/09/2020 08:27

Even if that’s how she feels fair enough but have the decency to walk in with her on the first day 🙄. She can’t feel that strongly either if she was happy to soak up the freebies all summer 🙄

loutypips · 05/09/2020 08:29

Maybe A just doesn't want to be friends with your dd?

It sounds like they are only friends because of you being friends with her mum. She might have other people that she wants to be with, or wants to make her own friends without involvement from her mum or you.

MsTSwift · 05/09/2020 08:29

My dd Included a girl she isn’t keen on on Thursday because otherwise the girl would be on her own and that’s plain mean.

Onceuponatimethen · 05/09/2020 08:39

@MsTSwift you dd sounds lovely! If we all did that at least a little there would be fewer lonely adults

Original poster
Livvygator · 05/09/2020 08:39

[quote MollyButton]@SBTLove "do you have to be so rude and unkind?"

Really this thread is awful.
It is perfectly normal for someone to be nervous on their first day of secondary and want to walk with someone else. Although I'd have tried to see if there was someone more local my DD could and would walk with.
The other mother sounds awful - but at least you know now.[/quote]
Thank you xx I did try more local but my dad’s other friend was unwell. It was only for that day and I don’t normally get involved. I’m glad I know now that this woman is not really my friend now.

I was posting to vent and see other points of view. Some people on here have been extremely rude and unsympathetic! Others have been lovely. So thank you. And all the rude posters, of you haven’t anything constructive to say! Don’t bother! Keyboard warriors!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 05/09/2020 08:40

@MsTSwift

My dd Included a girl she isn’t keen on on Thursday because otherwise the girl would be on her own and that’s plain mean.
Lovely girl. She must have a lovely mum!!
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