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Original poster

Parent encouraging DD to exclude my DD

107 replies

Livvygator · 04/09/2020 18:11

So it was the first day of secondary school yesterday. My DD is friend with a girl called A and they have been friends with each other since they were 3 and have been together all throughout school except for the last couple of years they have been in different classes for the last couple of years. They are still good friends and are now going to be in the same form at secondary school. My DD wanted to walk to school with A on the first day so that they could arrive together (being in the same form) but she lives in the opposite direction so they were going to meet along the way except her Mother had given her a load of rules she had to stick to like you can't take your phone! You can't stop on the way. (whilst saying she was give A her independence). The day before school A spent the day at our house and we took her on a day out and she came out with our family for a meal. A's mother was vague about arrangements for school and said she didn't want to get involved and they would organise meeting (impossible task with all the rules) and they are only 11!

Anyway on the morning my daughter was really anxious about walking on her own so I said I would drive her in the opposite direction to A's house. I called A's mother after she didn't reply to my message and she told me A was walking with L and said she didn't want to get involved. It was obvious she did not want A walking with my daughter :( I said well could she walk with A & L? Perhaps I can ask L's mum if my dd could walk with them and she said up to you but I am giving A the indolence to work out het journey to school herself!! So I was really upset at this point. I messaged L's mum and she was more than happy for my DD to walk with them so I dropped her round there and then all walked together to school. This is long. Are you with me?

So then me and A's mother ended up having an argument over messages. She basically tells me some girls don't like my DD and that her DD likes to keep her friendships separate so she's basically encouraging her DD to exclude my DD so that she can walk with the other friends (who are friends with my DD too just not in the same class) WTF how can someone be so mean!! I said so you would rather my 11yr old DD walks to school on her own because of that. Its a 10 min walk and was only just for that day. I also said if you had called me because A wanted to walk with my DD I would have said yes right away. Mums look out for each others kids!!! I.m so upset about this and very very angry!!! What a BITCH!!! I thought I was friends with this woman, having been out on nights out/abroad but she actually said she only cares about the girls and doesn't want drama on her Childs first day at secondary school!! I'm so angry!!!!!!!!!! What a BITCH. AIBU

OP posts:
Wearywithteens · 04/09/2020 18:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

FelicityPike · 04/09/2020 18:54

Couldn’t your DD have just walked the 10 minutes to school on her own and met her friend in the playground?
I understand being nervous but it was only 10 minutes. Just seems a helluva fuss and now a (potentially) ruined friendship for absolutely nothing.

AllsortsofAwkward · 04/09/2020 18:54

You sound batshit going off like at the mum stop micro managing youre dd frienships they will likely make new friendships. I speak as a mum to a ds whos in year 8.

FelicityPike · 04/09/2020 18:55

Oh and A’s mum is definitely a cow!

StormyInTheNorth · 04/09/2020 18:56

I think A's mum was being upfront from the start. 'I don't want to get involved.' is a sure indicator. I don't quite get who made the rules about no phone and no stopping, but another indication there.

It's awful and the mum could have said earlier that A didn't want to walk instead of ignoring you. Your poor DD must have been so anxious with all the running about. If it was me I'd have dropped DD at school and she'd have met a few others there.

I have some experience of this. The week before high school my best friend told me she didn't want to walk with me, or be friends at school. My parents had taken her all over the place for free and therefore didn't believe friend would do it. Friend completely ignored me. I was devastated. It's stuck with me for 25 years.

It is only natural to try to cling to familiarity but I am sure your DD will make new friends and leave A to it.

GreySkyClouds · 04/09/2020 19:00

This is for your daughter to navigate, not you.

slipperywhensparticus · 04/09/2020 19:01

I think your daughter needs to leave As daughter as far behind her as possible

ukgift2016 · 04/09/2020 19:02

Keep out of it. At secondary school they manage their own friendships.

Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 19:09

Oh and whilst this mother is saying im giving A independence after I dropped my dd off I saw her walking her dd to L's house and its literally a 2 min walk so that's not giving independence is it!! She basically wants her dd in with this little group and doesn't want my dd to be part of it....

she willl get a shock when she realises she can't control her dd's friends ships. all my dd wanted was a friend to walk on the first day and that was all

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 19:11

@AllsortsofAwkward

You sound batshit going off like at the mum stop micro managing youre dd frienships they will likely make new friendships. I speak as a mum to a ds whos in year 8.
I have a year 9 too.... never had this shit b4!! I'm not a micro manager!! the other mum is!!! my dd just wanted a friend to walk with who's in her form that is all!!!!!
OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 19:12

@ukgift2016

Keep out of it. At secondary school they manage their own friendships.
I know
OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 19:12

@slipperywhensparticus

I think your daughter needs to leave As daughter as far behind her as possible
she will!!
OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 19:13

@FelicityPike

Oh and A’s mum is definitely a cow!
YEP, she sure is. Might post a dog poo through her letter box ha ha haha
OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 19:13

@FelicityPike

Couldn’t your DD have just walked the 10 minutes to school on her own and met her friend in the playground? I understand being nervous but it was only 10 minutes. Just seems a helluva fuss and now a (potentially) ruined friendship for absolutely nothing.
that's what a I said
OP posts:
AllsortsofAwkward · 04/09/2020 19:14

Youre not listening to what anyone says you going to ostracised youre dd. But crack on love 👍

Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 19:15

@Wearywithteens

Livvygator - I’m on your side. I walked my dd in on the first day of year 7 (I was one of 3 parents out of 200 kids) because my dd was very anxious. She’s in year 11 and I’m still Uber protective but I suppose the bottom line is that when I say ‘move on’ I mean ditch A’s mother. She’s not a friend or a help. To you or your dd. Cut your losses and chalk it up to experience. People are selfish and let you down, especially when it comes to prioritising their own offspring. I don’t rely on other people for this very reason.
she is ditched!! what a bitch!

She has let me down a few ties b4 but I like to think people are nice but the reality is a lot of people aren't. Hope your dd is happy back at school

OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 19:15

@LolaSmiles

My daughter has lots of different friends and is usually quite confident. she only wanted to walk with this friend on the very first day. She isn't bothered about it for the rest and it wouldn't work anyway as I'm not driving her there. She knows she has to walk herself and has already made arrangements for next week I'm glad she's sorted for the future. A's mum has been unkind. I was just considering other sides. Teachers have seen all sorts of variations on Year 7 friendships.

Definitely consider talking to her tutor if this situation with A continues or she gets upset at the start of the year. Hopefully A's mum will keep her nose out a bit more in future because parental meddling like that often fuels needless upset for the children involved.

I'm hoping she will make some new friends and won't bother with A anymore. I certainly won't want her coming to our house after all this. Its been so upsetting
OP posts:
Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 19:18

@StormyInTheNorth

I think A's mum was being upfront from the start. 'I don't want to get involved.' is a sure indicator. I don't quite get who made the rules about no phone and no stopping, but another indication there.

It's awful and the mum could have said earlier that A didn't want to walk instead of ignoring you. Your poor DD must have been so anxious with all the running about. If it was me I'd have dropped DD at school and she'd have met a few others there.

I have some experience of this. The week before high school my best friend told me she didn't want to walk with me, or be friends at school. My parents had taken her all over the place for free and therefore didn't believe friend would do it. Friend completely ignored me. I was devastated. It's stuck with me for 25 years.

It is only natural to try to cling to familiarity but I am sure your DD will make new friends and leave A to it.

Thank you for your message. She could have said they b4 A has made arrangements to walk with L. And then my dd would have probably discounted that idea, but it was so vague and A kept saying she wanted to walk with her!! which is why SOME 11 yr olds are no good at making their own arrangements, they don't consider things that older children might.

Fingers crossed for new friends

OP posts:
damnthatanxiety · 04/09/2020 19:18

@SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing

This is crazy. Let your daughter make her own arrangements and stay out of it. It's secondary, not primary.
Make her own arrangements WHEN??? The plan was that they walked to school together on the first day. Then at the last minute, Mother A changed the plan. How precisely was DD supposed to make her own arrangements at this stage? This was the first day at senior school. No normal person would dump a kid in it to walk in alone. That is just shit
Onceuponatimethen · 04/09/2020 19:19

I think it is very weird behaviour by A’s mum. Odd as she is quite happy for A to come to yours clearly and A seems to like your dd

I hope your dd had a good day

I would play it all down to your dd - what a faff this morning sort of style and try not to let it become a big thing for her

Kaiserin · 04/09/2020 19:34

I agree A's mum sounds weird, and all the people saying the OP is "micro managing" and A's mum was "being upfront" seem to have been reading a different thread.

Marchitectmummy · 04/09/2020 19:46

Do you know why As mum doesn't want your daughter mixing with hers? Somewhere there is a reason.

Rgy3250999 · 04/09/2020 20:04

Each to their own obviously but I would be careful to not encourage your daughter to ignore A or be off with her. This sounds like something her mum has done and nothing to do with the child. If they still get on at school, I would let them get on but also encourage your dd to make new friends too. If your dd all of a sudden ignores A because you tell her to, this will just make you look like the odd ones to A and her mum (and others they tell this tale to).

SortByPriceLowToHigh · 04/09/2020 20:22

Some mums do really angle for their dc to be friends with certain other dc. When I was in Year 7 one of my friend’s mums seemed desperate for her dd to be friends with this specific group of kids - she’s big them up when we were round at her house - it was really weird

Original poster
Livvygator · 04/09/2020 22:57

@SBTLove

Ah I see OP is likely to flounce, I’m rude because I disagreed with her behaviour, ok 🤣🤣 Why post if you don’t want different opinions 🙄
Erm are you some kind of twat?
OP posts:
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