Parent encouraging DD to exclude my DD

[Livvygator]

So it was the first day of secondary school yesterday. My DD is friend with a girl called A and they have been friends with each other since they were 3 and have been together all throughout school except for the last couple of years they have been in different classes for the last couple of years. They are still good friends and are now going to be in the same form at secondary school. My DD wanted to walk to school with A on the first day so that they could arrive together (being in the same form) but she lives in the opposite direction so they were going to meet along the way except her Mother had given her a load of rules she had to stick to like you can't take your phone! You can't stop on the way. (whilst saying she was give A her independence). The day before school A spent the day at our house and we took her on a day out and she came out with our family for a meal. A's mother was vague about arrangements for school and said she didn't want to get involved and they would organise meeting (impossible task with all the rules) and they are only 11!

Anyway on the morning my daughter was really anxious about walking on her own so I said I would drive her in the opposite direction to A's house. I called A's mother after she didn't reply to my message and she told me A was walking with L and said she didn't want to get involved. It was obvious she did not want A walking with my daughter :( I said well could she walk with A & L? Perhaps I can ask L's mum if my dd could walk with them and she said up to you but I am giving A the indolence to work out het journey to school herself!! So I was really upset at this point. I messaged L's mum and she was more than happy for my DD to walk with them so I dropped her round there and then all walked together to school. This is long. Are you with me?

So then me and A's mother ended up having an argument over messages. She basically tells me some girls don't like my DD and that her DD likes to keep her friendships separate so she's basically encouraging her DD to exclude my DD so that she can walk with the other friends (who are friends with my DD too just not in the same class) WTF how can someone be so mean!! I said so you would rather my 11yr old DD walks to school on her own because of that. Its a 10 min walk and was only just for that day. I also said if you had called me because A wanted to walk with my DD I would have said yes right away. Mums look out for each others kids!!! I.m so upset about this and very very angry!!! What a BITCH!!! I thought I was friends with this woman, having been out on nights out/abroad but she actually said she only cares about the girls and doesn't want drama on her Childs first day at secondary school!! I'm so angry!!!!!!!!!! What a BITCH. AIBU

You can’t control another mother and it’s a mistake, pointless and counter productive, to get into an argument with her. This - an argumentative mother - will make it more difficult for your DD to establish relationships - other girls will comment about you and this will be embarrassing and upsetting for your DD.

All you can do is encourage your DD to make other friends and boost her confidence by for instance encouraging new activities. You shouldn’t make this into a big issue. Don’t dwell on it, and assume the girls will not be walking to school together unless they - the girls themselves - arrange to do so.

@HappenedXo

You can’t control another mother and it’s a mistake, pointless and counter productive, to get into an argument with her. This - an argumentative mother - will make it more difficult for your DD to establish relationships - other girls will comment about you and this will be embarrassing and upsetting for your DD.

All you can do is encourage your DD to make other friends and boost her confidence by for instance encouraging new activities. You shouldn’t make this into a big issue. Don’t dwell on it, and assume the girls will not be walking to school together unless they - the girls themselves - arrange to do so.

Yep I’m doing all that. She has other friends in and out of school. She doesn’t need to rely on the that one at all. It’s just that she is in her form and because of no transition / Covid / face they are in same form / fact that said child said she wanted to walk with her etc etc etc etc but mother made it impossible blah blah bored of it now!

Thanks to all the posters who have been kind and understanding

I have a year 7 too and so get how much of a bigger deal the transition to a new school is this year with the loss of every goodbye event from junior school and every transition to new school event. It's huge and it's much more huge than it was for my 2 year older child. It makes them more anxious and it makes us more anxious as parents. I did read all your posts and what I could not see was what A herself wanted. Given that she spent the day before with your child she obviously counts her as a friend but it might be that she also had her reasons for wanting to walk to school with someone else (making new friends (doesn't have to mean ditching the old one)? setting up a routine so she has someone to walk together with all the time? finding more of an individual voice for herself?). There could be any million of reasons but I think it's important to bear in mind that A was not obligated to walk with your DD even if she understood how important it was to her and this alone does not make her a bad friend. I hope she has enjoyed her first few days despite the tension around this.

@HerNameWasEliza

I have a year 7 too and so get how much of a bigger deal the transition to a new school is this year with the loss of every goodbye event from junior school and every transition to new school event. It's huge and it's much more huge than it was for my 2 year older child. It makes them more anxious and it makes us more anxious as parents. I did read all your posts and what I could not see was what A herself wanted. Given that she spent the day before with your child she obviously counts her as a friend but it might be that she also had her reasons for wanting to walk to school with someone else (making new friends (doesn't have to mean ditching the old one)? setting up a routine so she has someone to walk together with all the time? finding more of an individual voice for herself?). There could be any million of reasons but I think it's important to bear in mind that A was not obligated to walk with your DD even if she understood how important it was to her and this alone does not make her a bad friend. I hope she has enjoyed her first few days despite the tension around this.

A wanted to to. She said she wanted to but the mum made it impossible for her to do so as the mum wanted A to be in with This particular group

It’s not micro managing or being a helicopter parent to want to check that your 11 year old has someone to walk to a new secondary school with in the first day 🙄. Particularly so this year with zero transition stuff. Even I as a 45 year old had a trial day at secondary - this year didn’t they had nothing. So I think it is incumbent on all of us as parents to make sure every child is abit supported at first before stepping back and letting them sort themselves out as usual. So yes I agree As mum behaved really badly on this.

@MsTSwift

It’s not micro managing or being a helicopter parent to want to check that your 11 year old has someone to walk to a new secondary school with in the first day 🙄. Particularly so this year with zero transition stuff. Even I as a 45 year old had a trial day at secondary - this year didn’t they had nothing. So I think it is incumbent on all of us as parents to make sure every child is abit supported at first before stepping back and letting them sort themselves out as usual. So yes I agree As mum behaved really badly on this.

Thank you so much for your understanding!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏 🥰

I really want to thank all the kind people who made an effort to read and understand where I am coming from 🙏 to all the rude people who are basically just keyboard warriors - get a life!!!