Dating men when you are and successful in your career... can anyone relate to this?

[Frevera]

I know I’m going to sound like a bit of dick here but I’m interested to know if anyone can relate or maybe it is just me and I’m approaching it all wrongly.

I’ve had nice relationships in the past and I have strong friendships with people from different backgrounds and so on. I’m not some judgemental bitch and I certainly don’t think I am ‘better’ than someone else because I have a decent job and generally ok financially.

But...I’ve found the older I am (35 now), the higher paid I am (65k) and the higher up in my job I get, the less men I seem to meet who are on my wavelength. I associate it with the job primarily because once these men know what I do they seem to either be intimidated or want a free ride. There’s no in between.

Of course I don’t discuss money with them and only disclose my job when asked. But it’s generally obvious what sort of pay I am on once you know the field.

Then there’s the intelligence part. I’m good at what I do - by no means brilliant in other areas of life! - but I’m passionate about it and I am quick/smart and on the ball because I have to be in work and that sort of comes across I guess in other areas of life. Outside of work I’m interested in the news and current affairs. I like reading. I also like a good night out drinking or going to gigs but I have this serious side where I do care if a partner can hold a decent conversation.

So far I’ve not found that and I’ve been dating a year or so.

Has anyone else found this? Or me being a deluded dick with no self awareness?!

Title should say ‘when you are intelligent and successful in your career’

The irony!

No !

Yep ... I’m 42 , I’ve been single for 6 years I find that men I’ve dated are intimidated or cock lodgers . It’s not exclusive to men I date though , unfortunately I work in a male dominated industry.

Not saying you are judgemental BUT intelligence is measured in many ways, not how far you are up the career ladder.

Well done on your career and independence is fab but crap men are everywhere, whatever job you have.

Try Elite singles??

Yeah I didn’t mean to say good job means intelligence. I just was trying to convey that the attitude I have in work is also in my personal life in the sense that I take an interest in things deeply and like a good discussion. Some men I find are just about the easy life of drinking and going out. It’s depressing!

Last date I went on I was asked if I would be happy with him as a stay at home part time worker. The one before suggested I pay the bill in jest.

Come now you earn well, but are not so successful to "intimidate" anyone. I mean people in their 20s in banking/tech/law earn that much. A lot of fashion bloggers earn that even.

If money is important to you - date bankers, plumbers, small business owners etc. But a senior professor could earn less and would be intellectually on par or superior. I wouldn't worry about intimidating them.

Have you posted about this before?

Yes that's men trying to get a free ride when realise you have a good job.

That's crap men

Again, whatever job they had would be the same. They are everywhere

Well, the right man will not care. He will be secure about himself.

A lot of men have their worth pegged relative to women, and their minds think women are “less”. It is very common. It’s not that you intimidate them, it’s because you are challenging a basic assumption that they have.

My tip, don’t bother with these men. It’s not about money really, but their sense of themselves being challenged. They will never admit it, but if you feel bothered by their attitude, it’s because of this unspoken attitude.

Why are you dating such losers OP? If you're a successful, professional woman why aren't you dating successful, professional men?

Couldn't you be vague when they ask your job? Maybe you're giving away too much, too soon?
I'm single and have a well paid job. But in conversation, on occasions, I down grade myself until I find out whether they're worthy of knowing what I actually do. I never tell anyone I'm mortgage free either. I think you have to protect yourself.

Yep, when I was dating. Felt like they thought I was actively trying to cut off their penis.

Him: So, what do you do?
Me: I work in healthcare (keeping it vague, have had this convo before)
Him, beaming: Oh, so you're a nurse then?
Me: Er, no, I'm a doctor
Him, taken aback: So you're just a GP?
Me, mentally: You are dumped for offences against nurses, GPs and WOMEN

I had this conversation loads of times as did all my single consultant colleagues.

DH was the first date not to do this and reader, I married him.

Not you. There are some luddites out there.

Often men like the idea of a successful, financially independent, intelligent woman but struggle with the reality of that.

ana I’m not suggesting there aren’t people more successful. In fact I’m nowhere near the top of the career ladder and others my age have already progressed higher. The money part isn’t important but yes many men have been intimidated and even said so outright to me.

No I’ve not posted before about this 🤔

b1rdy yes I think I have to do that next time. It’s frustrating. I was even asked if I had a mortgage recently.

anna I’m glad I’m not alone!

Where are you meeting these men OP?
You must be looking in the wrong place.

In the nicest possible way, and well done for being financially secure etc, but 65k is not a lot to many people. That’s a good PA salary in London, or an estate agent (both great jobs of course but not FTSE 100 CEO / partner in a law firm etc).

Is it the job itself which is intimidating? Although it sounds like you are meeting men who are put off by / attracted to the salary itself...

Also... do we think that men downplay or downgrade their jobs on initial dates?? Big fat no. Don't do that. You will lose an important twat filter by doing so.

saggy that seems to be so true. The profiles read ‘looking for an ambitious intelligent lady’ etc etc

Then you meet and they’re in direct competition with you or looking for a free ride

Yeah you get this with all types of jobs.

If you were on lower paid job, if you worked part time, if you other personal circumstances related to job you don't want to discuss etc

Just so happens these ones are making judgements on your higher paid career and so see a free ride

Crap people judge and least you can weed them out.

Unfortunately yes.
Frail egos
When so many mediocre men are used to being pandered to and self important, there's no room for anyone else to have importance.
Men are the lead role and women are the supporting cast member.
I can't be bothered with it anymore.

It really is true. The most disparaging partner I ever had made such a song and dance of wanting a clever, successful woman. It was because that would reflect well on him. He didn't actually want someone like that.

Yes, oh god yes. No wisdom apart from, you are not alone.

rain absolutely agree 65k is by no means a fortune! I’m in Yorkshire so I guess it goes further here.

I think a lot of it is the scope of the job...I’m only 5 years into the role and at the lowest rung of the ladder at the moment.

I assume you do not go on dates and declare your earnings so it’s your job that bothers these losers.

Date a professional man. It doesn’t solve everything but likely will cut down the issue.

Op I can fully relate to this.