Dating men when you are and successful in your career... can anyone relate to this?

[Frevera]

I know I’m going to sound like a bit of dick here but I’m interested to know if anyone can relate or maybe it is just me and I’m approaching it all wrongly.

I’ve had nice relationships in the past and I have strong friendships with people from different backgrounds and so on. I’m not some judgemental bitch and I certainly don’t think I am ‘better’ than someone else because I have a decent job and generally ok financially.

But...I’ve found the older I am (35 now), the higher paid I am (65k) and the higher up in my job I get, the less men I seem to meet who are on my wavelength. I associate it with the job primarily because once these men know what I do they seem to either be intimidated or want a free ride. There’s no in between.

Of course I don’t discuss money with them and only disclose my job when asked. But it’s generally obvious what sort of pay I am on once you know the field.

Then there’s the intelligence part. I’m good at what I do - by no means brilliant in other areas of life! - but I’m passionate about it and I am quick/smart and on the ball because I have to be in work and that sort of comes across I guess in other areas of life. Outside of work I’m interested in the news and current affairs. I like reading. I also like a good night out drinking or going to gigs but I have this serious side where I do care if a partner can hold a decent conversation.

So far I’ve not found that and I’ve been dating a year or so.

Has anyone else found this? Or me being a deluded dick with no self awareness?!

I find exactly the same OP. I work in investment banking, the men I’ve dated think this means I should pick up the bill for every dinner, hotel, drink, holiday etc. I have no issues paying a bigger share, but find it emasculating when they pay for nothing at all.

I had a lovely FWB arrangement which lasted 9 years, in all that time he didn’t put his hand in his pocket once. He did have a massive cock mind

I also agree with PP’s that many men like the idea of a financially independent, strong, successful woman, but in reality they have no idea how to handle one.

There will be a very small pool of attractive men in Yorkshire still single at 35 and can match or better that salary

No chance you can date within your industry? Like an industry specific dating - they have uniform ones?

I'm guessing you're an actuary if you're at the bottom rung

Why are you dating such losers OP? If you're a successful, professional woman why aren't you dating successful, professional men?

what a silly post

Rainborshine12

*Where are you meeting these men OP?
You must be looking in the wrong place.

In the nicest possible way, and well done for being financially secure etc, but 65k is not a lot to many people.*

facepalm

I know exactly what you mean OP. Ignore the previous PP highlighted above. Not sure why some people post such idiotic crap.

Well done 65k is waaaayy above the national average, particularly in your area. Not surprised many men react the way they do. Just gotta weed em out. Numbers game. Keep going and you’ll hopefully soon come across a good one!

Very weird. I dated extensively through my 20s and early 30s at far higher salary than the one quoted and never had that “intimidated man” thing. I found generally men were in the same wavelength but find it really weird that anyone would even discuss salary.

This was London though and dated exclusively “professional” type men so maybe that’s it

@whataboutthefuture I didn’t say it wasn’t a lot to most people - I said to many people.

Clearly it’s a high salary compared to most people.

But if the OP is looking for a professional, intellectual man 30+ not intimidated by a woman earning 65k then yes, 65k will not be a lot to many (not all or most) of the particular men in that category.

Is 65k not a lot to most people on Mumsnet?!

I don’t know where I’m going wrong then...I used to only date professionals and had more success but found they could be almost abusive sometimes! Then I thought let’s widen the net and not just date professionals and then this has happened! Feels like I will never find the right one!

I thought 65k was decent pay where there’s still scope to earn more. It’s all relative though I guess!

@TrollTheRespawnJeremy this completely!
My DH is also a builder but does earn less than me and has never been intimidated. In his eyes I'm paid a lot of money for sitting at a desk all day which is something he'd hate, he much prefers doing what he does best.
The relationship plays to our strengths, he's great at the practical things and I'm good at sorting out finances, mortgage etc

I always thought I'd end up marrying someone in my career field or someone who worked in an office. When I met DH what either of us did for work didn't matter, it just mattered that we liked each other.

What I'm trying to say OP is try and expand your dating, change your profile and give people a chance who you might usually swipe past

That’s what I’ve been doing and it’s led to this.

Maybe it’s just a numbers thing

Sounds like you were dating unpleasant professionals then...

There are nice men of all backgrounds. I guess it’s either a numbers game; and just keep going until you meet a nice one (anywhere on the professional or salary spectrum! Don’t rule anyone out!) or do some reflecting on how you are picking them. If the common denominator is they aren’t treating you well, rather than job type, it may be worth thinking about that.

As there is evidence on this thread, there are nice men of all backgrounds who would be happy to support your career not tolerate it or be resentful of your success.

I'm not bothered about salary, but I will not date non-university educated men. It just doesn't work for me.

Except engineers. I've noticed that graduate engineers for some reason nearly always date non-degree educated women (I'd love to hear the exceptions). Ex-DH was an engineer and any works functions were incredibly tedious because none of the other (all male) co-workers could speak to me and certainly couldn't exchange the normal pleasantries of what do you do/where do you come from? It was just assumed that, like their wives, I either didn't work or had a little "crafty" job and had moved to be with DH.

I think a lot of men say - and even believe - that they want an independent, intelligent, ambitious woman.

What they actually want is a woman who is just independent, intelligent and ambitious enough to impress the man's friends - but just less enough of each compared to him that he can feel slightly superior to her every day.

There are men out there who aren't intimidated by a woman's strength, but they are thin on the ground.

If you're meeting these guys via dating sites then I'd do some analysis of which sites have brought you the closest to what you're looking for. If you are looking for long term marriage and a family then I'd stick to paid dating sites. At least you know the guy has made a financial commitment to going on dates and isn't just swiping away on tinder hoping for a free booty call

I can relate as was single for 6 years until I met my DH in my early 30's. At the time, I was a graduate, qualified a chartered accountant, earning £80k in London. During that time, I met soooooo many men who expected me to pick up the tab, or go halves with. It would haven nice to have been treated on the odd occasion.

If you are determined to meet a life partner OP, you need to keep going with the dating, online or otherwise, and eventually you will meet someone.

What man in his 30s is intimidated by someone earning £65k? Where are you evening meeting men that earn less than that?

96% of people earn less.thsn 65 .k.... come.on! It isnt about money
It's about feminism.

lotsoflove if that’s a serious post please tell me where these other men are!

privilege check here

I think by ruling out men who didn’t go to uni, you’re doing yourself a disservice.

Some of my most interesting male friends never bothered with uni. There’s actors, a jeweller, tradesmen... all sorts. And they’re great fun and handsome, viable chaps.... yet you’d miss out because they didn’t go to uni.

Seems a bit narrow minded.

'Trol I think by ruling out men who didn't go to uni, you're doing yourself a disservice*,

No, I'm not. It's my prerogative to say what I am and am not comfortable with, and what I'm comfortable with is men with similar life exierience to myself, particularly leaving home to mix with a large number of people from different backgrounds, becoming independent at an early age and being educated in a certain way to a certain level, so that they can have a conversation at a certain level.

Believe it or not, I too have male friends who are interesting and handsome. . Would I date them? No. I don't fancy them, because we don't have enough in common.

I'm going to shock you even more. I'm really into health and fitness. I wouldn't date a man who is a smoker, or who eats unhealthiy and is overweight as a result, or who doesn't have some interest in outdoors sport.

For me, compatibility is really important. It's not narrow minded. It's about respecting my own ability to make choices.

I'm going out on a date with a university educated triathlete at the weekend.

In the nicest possible way, and well done for being financially secure etc, but 65k is not a lot to many people.

@Rainorshine12 £65k puts you in the top 6% of earners. I don't think 6% qualifies as "many". Factoring in OP's age would probably put her in the top 3% of 30-40 year olds and top 1-2% in Yorkshire's 30-40 year olds as Yorkshire has the second lowest wages in England.

In summary, well done OP!

Someone else linked to an almost identical thread. The problem is that at 35 a lot of decent men are already in relationships.

I second the suggestion of a specific dating agency for professionals.

I agree that men on the whole are disappointing.

But men judge women for what they do all the time. I'm a teacher - so never going to be earning what you are but men assume I'm going to be sweet and docile because I work with children; or they find it a bit 'kinky' 🙄 etc.

IncandescentSilver I agree. It's fine to have filters based on intelligence and education. I've tried dating outside of those filters and have found it very 'limiting' shall we say. Nice blokes but you often find them engaging with the conversation on a different level or just not being able to contribute at all. Opinions are ill informed (not just different) etc. Quite like a discussion with someone who holds a different opinion but less so when they don't have a clue what they are talking about.

The majority of people fall into the 'average intelligence' bracket so it makes sense that the majority of men on dating sites will do too.

I'd avoid these tbh and look to meet someone in the real world! My experience of online dating that it is very good if people are 'average' - middle of the road intelligence, interests, tastes etc... but not great for people who fall outside of that. Obviously there will be exceptions, but in the main.

I’m completely with you OP - I’m late 20s and earn a fair bit more and I have exactly the same issues .

I’m trying to hold out and not lower my standards!