Dating men when you are and successful in your career... can anyone relate to this?

[Frevera]

I know I’m going to sound like a bit of dick here but I’m interested to know if anyone can relate or maybe it is just me and I’m approaching it all wrongly.

I’ve had nice relationships in the past and I have strong friendships with people from different backgrounds and so on. I’m not some judgemental bitch and I certainly don’t think I am ‘better’ than someone else because I have a decent job and generally ok financially.

But...I’ve found the older I am (35 now), the higher paid I am (65k) and the higher up in my job I get, the less men I seem to meet who are on my wavelength. I associate it with the job primarily because once these men know what I do they seem to either be intimidated or want a free ride. There’s no in between.

Of course I don’t discuss money with them and only disclose my job when asked. But it’s generally obvious what sort of pay I am on once you know the field.

Then there’s the intelligence part. I’m good at what I do - by no means brilliant in other areas of life! - but I’m passionate about it and I am quick/smart and on the ball because I have to be in work and that sort of comes across I guess in other areas of life. Outside of work I’m interested in the news and current affairs. I like reading. I also like a good night out drinking or going to gigs but I have this serious side where I do care if a partner can hold a decent conversation.

So far I’ve not found that and I’ve been dating a year or so.

Has anyone else found this? Or me being a deluded dick with no self awareness?!

Just a thought if you want to take on board, maybe talk about hobbies and general stuff rather than salaries and job titles on the first couple of dates

But, "so what do you do for an living?" is pretty standard first date conversation, surely? And, for many people with a profession, your career is a huge part of who you are and how you view the world and how you spend your time and a good talking point.

@LateSummerGarden there is a difference though between sounding too smug and proud about your career achievements.

Think "I am an MD in goldman sachs making zillions in bonuses and I advise on billion dollar transactions and meet CEOs of fortune 500" vs "I work in investment banking, I work hard and enjoy my job"

If you're a successful, professional woman why aren't you dating successful, professional men?

They are in the minority in society, aren't they? As are single people. When I was at uni half or more of people weren't single and that was the highest proportion of "single-ness" I've encountered.

It's a numbers game.

It's a big pity guardian soulmates went down.

Op I find the supply of professional, well paid men is lower in "the regions" .. would a move to a large city, in the UK or even abroad be a possibility?

What they actually want is a woman who is just independent, intelligent and ambitious enough to impress the man's friends - but just less enough of each compared to him that he can feel slightly superior to her every day.

It dies seem to be the case that many men cannot cope with the idea that a woman earns more, is more "successful", has higher perceived status or could be as or more intelligent than them.

I have met lots of men who think I simply could not be more intelligent than them, in spite of me for example getting much higher than then in a tech field exam.

We are only thirty years down the line from "man, boss; woman, secretary" society/culture.

I might add that they have even more trouble if you are not perceived as some nerdy, plain, "masculine" woman .. if a conventionally attractive woman is successfully, they fall back on the "flirted and slept her way to college/career success" trope.

*successful

@GilbertMarkham

If you're a successful, professional woman why aren't you dating successful, professional men?

They are in the minority in society, aren't they? As are single people. When I was at uni half or more of people weren't single and that was the highest proportion of "single-ness" I've encountered.

It's a numbers game.

It's a big pity guardian soulmates went down.

True. Through my 20s, around 50-70% of people I knew were already in relationships, often from their early 20s, or even from uni. People pair up really quickly. Also, statistically, classically above-average intelligent people (in terms of I.Q scoring) are less common than the average intelligent person. Then intelligent + high earning is even less common (they don't always go hand-in-hand), and intelligent + high earning + cultured + emotionally intelligent + attractive + not an asshole + single + not weird in some way is even lower than that.

There are many people out there that are very intelligent with good jobs.....but some of them are extremely.....dull. They are unable to think outside the box or hold flowing conversations. They might be fantastic with numbers, but they might not read books or be interested in anything much other than a very narrow field of interest - they just happen to have a brain that is able to perform certain tasks really well.

Back on the main topic; fwiw op I think this is a problem for people (men and women) full stop who earn well above average wages and are pretty educated, trying to meet a partner in their 30s. A lot of people like this her into relationships at uni (under and post grad) and through socialising with similar people in their 20s. If you didn't (or have been in a relationship that's broken down and are back out tying to meet someone) it's difficult to meet similar people. The vast majority of people are on average and below average salaries and many are not very well educated. The standard of written English on an dating site shows that.

I met a successful, well paid professional guy I was at the same school as a few times when we were both in our mid 30s who hadn't settled and was on off dating a girl who was not what he was really looking for. I think he just kept getting drunk on nights out and going back with her but didn't see her as relationship material. She didn't sound like she was similar to him (on terms of education, career etc) at all and it was v clear he was having trouble meeting a woman who was.

So I know it doesn't solve the problem but it's possibly not a female only issue.

@GilbertMarkham I think you're right that it's a problem both ways. I work in science, which is male dominated, low paid and very very highly educated. About half my male friends are single because we move every couple of years so a lot of relationships break down just when you've left all your social circle behind. So there are a lot of lonely men who are often a bit single minded and slightly odd, but generally interesting in their way. They don't always speak the local language and can't meet local women because they're too highly educated, low paid and insecurely employed. Unfortunately eventually the loneliness gets to them and they turn into cheating, women-hating, drunken, egotistical arseholes by the time they're 50, but at 35 it's still early enough!

Some of that goes for the broader expat community, people like contractors, media and international finance types (academics are definitely the poor cousins in this community. Often with a banking wife to keep them!). They seem to settle down later after they've got the partying and moving out of their systems, but I guess there's not so many foreigners outside London. Maybe in Leeds?