Dating men when you are and successful in your career... can anyone relate to this?

[Frevera]

I know I’m going to sound like a bit of dick here but I’m interested to know if anyone can relate or maybe it is just me and I’m approaching it all wrongly.

I’ve had nice relationships in the past and I have strong friendships with people from different backgrounds and so on. I’m not some judgemental bitch and I certainly don’t think I am ‘better’ than someone else because I have a decent job and generally ok financially.

But...I’ve found the older I am (35 now), the higher paid I am (65k) and the higher up in my job I get, the less men I seem to meet who are on my wavelength. I associate it with the job primarily because once these men know what I do they seem to either be intimidated or want a free ride. There’s no in between.

Of course I don’t discuss money with them and only disclose my job when asked. But it’s generally obvious what sort of pay I am on once you know the field.

Then there’s the intelligence part. I’m good at what I do - by no means brilliant in other areas of life! - but I’m passionate about it and I am quick/smart and on the ball because I have to be in work and that sort of comes across I guess in other areas of life. Outside of work I’m interested in the news and current affairs. I like reading. I also like a good night out drinking or going to gigs but I have this serious side where I do care if a partner can hold a decent conversation.

So far I’ve not found that and I’ve been dating a year or so.

Has anyone else found this? Or me being a deluded dick with no self awareness?!

aerial that’s probably it actually, it’s just judgement in general.

65k is a very significantly above-average salary. Even in London.

But that is a red herring here.

I think you need to be more discerning about who you let get as far as going on a date.

I’ve definitely not found this. Granted it’s been more than a decade since I was dating, so maybe times have changed. But certainly wasn’t an issue for me.

I have a PhD, much more prestigious career than dh (who does have a degree and is self employed but it’s in a field that would be considered more a trade than a profession). Of our 4 closest couple friends, all the guys are in sort of more ordinary jobs and all their partners are either hospital consultants, have a PhD or are in a much more highly paid position. In fact, dh often tells me how grateful he is that I’m as educated and successful as I am because he’d be bored to tears with someone with no ambition or interesting things to talk about (fwiw, dh works in a ‘trade’ but with high end clients so makes quite a good salary, he’s not freeloading on me financially).

But I imagine after a point it does become harder, because all the egalitarian, successful intelligent men get snapped up. So if you’re dating men in their mid to late 30s and up, probably there are a lot more insecure dickheads left in pool.

Are you meeting them online? What does your profile say? Are you up front about what you do and what kind of man you want? When I did mine I was clear about what I brought to the table and clear that I wanted Somebody similar. I talked about the books I liked, and what I liked to do in my spare time. I think it reduced the number of people who contacted me, but most of them were pretty cool and certainly not intimidated by me. I met my DP and if anything he is a bit out of my league!

Yes. Unless you wear a badge with a figure on it’s irrelevant. What you are talking about presumably is a job with some professional element to it - not one where you sell or get danger money for dealing with financiers! It’s this former thing that annoys latently sexist men.

There’s some great people out there dating but also some with massive chips on their shoulders for one reason or another - they keep getting rejected (as they’re aiming out of their league or just have poor social skills )

so end up adopting a very nasty judgemental attitude to dates? It’s pre-empting others rejecting them.

If these guys were dating LOWER paid women you can 100% guarantee they’d also be making them feel uncomfortable because the women are clearly “gold diggers” after their 35k salary and heavily mortgaged new build flat.

I agree with pps - try to go for intelligence and confidence and common interests?

Careers like academic or a military officer tend to have a lot of social kudos and cool factor and confidence attached but you may slightly edge them on salary. And with two good incomes your social life will be fantastic!

Just shite people.
I'm a professional but my other half is a builder. We get on fine and talk about lots of different interesting things. His job doesn't limit his interest in, say, feminist theory...

Also tradesmen seem to get paid a lot better than I thought they did. He has quite a nice life.

He's definitely not the type of person I thought I'd end up with- but we are on the same wavelength and enjoy each other's company etc. I wouldn't get hung up on 'career success'.

I can definitely relate

Oh my lord I could of written this myself!
I am divorced. My husband left me and the 2 children 4 years ago and has never been back.

I similar to you, earn 65k a year and I really am put off by dating. I met an amazing man, I fell for him so hard and he just was constantly digging at what I earned. How life was easy for me.. what would I know.

It put me off dating for a long time. I finally got back out there recently, and its just lots of cock lodgers and resentful men. I have HONESTLY given up 😔😔

This is one reason women find older men attractive, many have established their career and are happy in their position which takes the competition and the freeloader off the table. Also that some of them have matured and started to take an interest in world events. It depends what you want from life though as many older men come with their own complications and some may not want/already have a family...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4006383-new-to-dating-am-i-expecting-more-than-i-should-money

Sorry OP cross post re the salary.

Do you think it’s more of a class thing? Are you dating men who aren’t used to women being successful and having careers? Are most of their female friends / family stopped working to have families etc by 35?

Do you have friends who could set you up with someone professional/ more your level?

Could you join groups in your nearest city which are related to some of your more intellectual hobbies?

Is there chance of meeting someone through work?

Sorry, I realise all of the above are more difficult with Covid restrictions etc.

It does sound like it’s just rotten men you are meeting... as a PP said you could meet a lovely non high flying man you are perfectly compatible with who was supportive and proud of your career. Or an intellectual super high earner who had no respect for your career and might expect you to give it up to facilitate his etc.

But if you keep meeting the same kind of men, then worth trying a different place / way to meet people.

I did wonder if it’s because I’m dating in Yorkshire (no offence meant there!). But if I was in London would it be different? I don’t know. I hear Londoners are less willing to settle down and I’m quite happy in my Yorkshire city.

I have the same situation OP, even in London. Let me know if you find a solution.

@Frevera

I did wonder if it’s because I’m dating in Yorkshire (no offence meant there!). But if I was in London would it be different? I don’t know. I hear Londoners are less willing to settle down and I’m quite happy in my Yorkshire city.

Im in Yorkshire too! And struggling... we seem to be 2 of the same. Im 37. Not terrible to look at. And nope... there is just nothing!

It might be. I'm not from Yorkshire but 65K from where I am in the U.K is certainly quite a lot. What kind of industry do you work in? If you want someone that can match you, people who work in certain sectors of I.T earn that after a few years just like you.

Is it because of your age rather than salary? By 35+ most men are in relationships and there just aren't any left! Surely when you were 25 and (coincidentally) earning less, there were more single men around.

Experienced the same after my divorce and pre- meeting my current DH. I was then on 100K + in London and under 35, these were the crazy days of the city before the financial crisis and I was in a Male dominated industry. I had my first daughter and was very independent, no material issues own house etc. The minute I disclosed where I worked and lived and my job title everything went south.

But there's hope. I eventually met my current DH although he earned significantly more than I did then. I also encountered a problem the minute I mentioned what my exH did for a living (yes some men did ask) but that was 10 years ago.

I have a friend who would certainly agree to this.

She's a nuclear engineer. She's been single most of her adult life.

Isnt this just incredibly shit though?

I keep wishing I was attracted to females . I think it might be less annoying....is this a thing in the lesbian/ gay world.too??

Hmm yep could be my age and less men about. I’m not convinced on that though as I’ve plenty of matches with early thirties men and many over 35 too.

Suppose it could be the case that the only ones left are these ones!

Men are on the whole rather disappointing, I'm sorry to say, OP. Stick with it and you'll find one eventually.