Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional abuse or just silly arguments

108 replies

ButterFlyGirl19961 · 31/08/2020 20:52

So me and my partner have been together for 8 years, 2 children together aged 7 and 1. Im worried that hes slowly becoming emotionally abusive but i dont know if im overreacting or whether its just bickering and being horrible for sake of it.

So he has had a fair few temper tantrums where we have argued and if i disagree he has broke things i.e tv stand a tv, radiator, numerous doors, a tumble dryer. But his justification is he doesnt know why he does it, ill ask him to leave for space he will either cry or swear at me that hes going nowhere.

When i meet friends once every few weeks for a drink he will give me the silent treatment most of next morning then it will be arguement that i proritise friends over him and boys. That i fail to message back (even tho i do i just dont message when im in taxi home as he would be asleep anyway). That im deliberatly ignoring the texts, and i have no respect for him. Then he argues about me getting drunk isnt fun for him anymore as i go straight to sleep when im home there isnt anything sexually happening. Sometimes he will say 'how do i know ur actually where u say u are'. I have pictures to prove and uber taxi orders.

When i am speaking to brother or his sister on phone he says i spend more time talking to them than him even though hes speaking to his friends on a headset he says its lies. I will have a natter with neighbours when i cone back in he his pacing up and down kitchen biting nails. He says hes lonely that i dont speak to him then he will bring up that We barely have a sexual relationship anymore.

Ive asked him why these arguments lead to smashing things up sometimes he blames me saying ive made him like this, im the reason he cant trust people, why he doesnt like the outside....

Im the only one that works its a struggle to fund us all and a house his excuse is hes too old for a job now etc. Hes lost self respect Im just confused i dont know what to say or do anymore without being on eggshells or irritating him. He name calls and blames everyone else for his problems

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 31/08/2020 21:07

Oh OP I am so sorry you are stuck in this emotionally abusive relationship

cariadlet · 31/08/2020 21:19

My dp and I both bicker with each other more than we should. This isn't bickering or silly arguments. He's aggressive and emotionally abusive.

Tiny2018 · 31/08/2020 21:20

Get out while you still can.

iloverock · 31/08/2020 21:26

How old is he. Why is he too old for a job.
He sounds horrendous. Leave ASAP

Gingernaut · 31/08/2020 21:29

He is violent and he is emotionally abusive.

How old is he that he can't try to find a job?

Treesinthewind · 31/08/2020 21:43

It's so good that you're realized this is abusive. Because it is. It is not ok at all. Being given the silent treatment is absolutely horrific. My ex was like this. Pretty much everything you've written, he did.

We split up a year ago, and my and my 4 year old have just moved into our own little house (after living with my parents). I'm still in the process of realising how abusive some of his behaviours were. I highly, highly recommend the Freedom Programme - you will meet some amazing women who can help you out of this. Sending you love and strength x

user1493413286 · 31/08/2020 21:48

This is very much emotional abuse; in a healthy relationship things don’t get broken during arguments and you should be able to go out and talk to who you want to without it being an issue.

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 31/08/2020 21:52

He is being very abusive, I know that he is damaging property and not physically touching you but this is still scary and violent behaviour. I was brought up with parents who did this and I was terrified at times ... The jealousy, the controlling behaviour and the sexual coercion are all signs of a very toxic and abusive relationship.

Saying he's lonely, getting upset when you spend time with others .... Alongside the other behaviours this feels manipulative.

He name calls? What kind of things does he say?

How much of this are your children witnessing? Hearing?

I'm sorry you're in a very difficult and destructive relationship that everyone will urge you to leave, and ultimately I really hope you listen xxxxx

Original poster
ButterFlyGirl19961 · 31/08/2020 21:53

Thank you to all that have commented. Because i never talk to anyone about these things i convinced myself it is my fault so much so i dont argue back or defend myself as the aggression will happen. But now im seeing all the comments it is 100% clear it aint normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
ButterFlyGirl19961 · 31/08/2020 22:00

Hes said so many things ive lost track but the ones that stick out are selfish bastard horrible bitch ginger div so on. Theres been tines where he mimics me cry. Our children have never been in the same room but my eldest has heard hes questioned saying is daddy bullying you. I dont know what to say to him if feel so confused by it all because when i leave for work he will always text me to have a good day and that my friends and family will never say that only he will

OP posts:
gottastopeatingchocolate · 31/08/2020 22:04

OP, I would advise that you contact a domestic abuse agency and have a chat with them. They will help you to process what you are experiencing, and label it appropriately as abuse, and they will help you to consider your options and pursuing them safely.

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 31/08/2020 22:06

Abusers are not always horrible to you and that can lead to all sorts of confusion in what's going on, but you have to judge him on how he's capable of treating you, and he is capable of treating you terribly. He is an abusive person, and you are in an abusive relationship.

Oh, I'm angry hearing how cruel he is, he mimics you until you cry? And calls you such horrible names? Your son knows something is very wrong be sure it is very wrong. You deserve better than this. He's awful.

cariadlet · 31/08/2020 22:08

Op, the more details you post, the worse he sounds. I really hope that you can find a way to leave him safely.

Original poster
ButterFlyGirl19961 · 31/08/2020 22:23

@NextOnesaGreyGoose i mean when i cry he gets in my face and mimics me. Ive asked him to seek help for the anger its excuses everytime

OP posts:
NextOnesaGreyGoose · 31/08/2020 22:26

@ButterFlyGirl19961

That's even worse! I'm sorry, that sounds very hurtful. It took me a second to understand what you meant. My sister did that to me when we were children and she hated me desperately. This man is awful!. I'm sorry.

He doesn't think he's the problem, he thinks you're the cause of his anger. It's typical if an abuser to blame others for their behaviour.

copperoliver · 31/08/2020 22:28

Abusive, get rid of him. Don't ask him to leave tell him, pack his bags and down fall for the waterworks. X

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 31/08/2020 22:29

This video might help to understand a little. It might not, but I thought of it earlier when I was reading your post. Give it a bit of time, it's slow at the beginning. I hope it's useful to you anyway....

NearlyGranny · 31/08/2020 22:31

Mimicry of you when upset is really nasty. Nobody who loves you would ever do that. Would you ever do it to your children or to him if he cried?

What is he actually bringing to the relationship to make your life together joyful and rewarding? He's dragging you down instead. He is not entitled to feel all that anger against you for doing normal, happy, useful things.

He could go for help, but he'd have to really want to change and he couldn't expect you to help fix him. He has to do it himself.

You could usefully read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft.

SoulofanAggron · 31/08/2020 22:33

This is abusive in almost every way- financially, sexually, emotionally, verbally, and the smashing things is a sign that it could well escalate into violence against you.

my eldest has heard hes questioned saying is daddy bullying you

Oh OP, even your child can see it's wrong.

feel so confused by it all because when i leave for work he will always text me to have a good day and that my friends and family will never say that only he will

Abusers will do stuff like this to make us feel they're good guys who care about us etc and stop us getting rid of them faster than we do. Talk is cheap. The abuse shows what he's really like.

Original poster
ButterFlyGirl19961 · 31/08/2020 22:50

Reading all these commemts do make me see things the way they are. I think because its happened for so long it feels normal. I shall be ringing someone regarding this i dont think i could do it on my own

OP posts:
ulanbatorismynextstop · 31/08/2020 22:53

You should read about the boiling frog analogy. The water only gets warmer one degree at a time, and its boiling by the time the frog notices. Sorry but this is serious abuse. Kick him out and don't listen to his sob story, he'll promise to change and he'll only ever change for long enough to reel you back in. Forget this loser!

Regularsizedrudy · 31/08/2020 22:56

Don’t need to read past the 2nd paragraph. That’s abuse.

pooopypants · 31/08/2020 23:02

Get out. Now. Do it for your kids, if not for yourself. Your CHILD can see that you're being bullied. Do the right thing for them.

He sounds like a massive prick. This won't get better. Your kids will resent you for staying with him.

Imagine if one of your DC told you that this was happening to them - what would your reaction be?

Original poster
ButterFlyGirl19961 · 01/09/2020 01:24

@NextOnesaGreyGoose The video was actually quite helpful and eye opening. Thank you

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 01/09/2020 01:28

Just to add to the other comments I am sorry this is happening to you and your children. Try to get away from him for their sakes if you can.

Best wishes