Emotional abuse or just silly arguments

[ButterFlyGirl19961]

So me and my partner have been together for 8 years, 2 children together aged 7 and 1. Im worried that hes slowly becoming emotionally abusive but i dont know if im overreacting or whether its just bickering and being horrible for sake of it.

So he has had a fair few temper tantrums where we have argued and if i disagree he has broke things i.e tv stand a tv, radiator, numerous doors, a tumble dryer. But his justification is he doesnt know why he does it, ill ask him to leave for space he will either cry or swear at me that hes going nowhere.

When i meet friends once every few weeks for a drink he will give me the silent treatment most of next morning then it will be arguement that i proritise friends over him and boys. That i fail to message back (even tho i do i just dont message when im in taxi home as he would be asleep anyway). That im deliberatly ignoring the texts, and i have no respect for him. Then he argues about me getting drunk isnt fun for him anymore as i go straight to sleep when im home there isnt anything sexually happening. Sometimes he will say 'how do i know ur actually where u say u are'. I have pictures to prove and uber taxi orders.

When i am speaking to brother or his sister on phone he says i spend more time talking to them than him even though hes speaking to his friends on a headset he says its lies. I will have a natter with neighbours when i cone back in he his pacing up and down kitchen biting nails. He says hes lonely that i dont speak to him then he will bring up that We barely have a sexual relationship anymore.

Ive asked him why these arguments lead to smashing things up sometimes he blames me saying ive made him like this, im the reason he cant trust people, why he doesnt like the outside....

Im the only one that works its a struggle to fund us all and a house his excuse is hes too old for a job now etc. Hes lost self respect Im just confused i dont know what to say or do anymore without being on eggshells or irritating him. He name calls and blames everyone else for his problems

@Dery i feel the wosrt possible guilt towards my children i really do. I feel i have no breathing space. Friends still live at home with parents there would not be any space. And my mom isnt in a position to help shes dealing with some issues that would also have an impact of childrens wellbeing

You don’t have to tell him you are going, or ever even have that conversation with him. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s been horribly abusive. You can just make your plans and leave.

Contact Women’s aid. Make plans to leave or to get him out of the house.

@Anordinarymum he isnt on the tenancy agreement as i moved in before we decided where our relationship was going. He wasnt working when i met him, and yes he smokes weed, this is another reason we argue. He needs it to feel 'normal'

Please speak to Woman's Aid about how to leave safely. A refuge is better than the abuse you endure now.

Childcare will be better for your DC than him.

[quote ButterFlyGirl19961]@Anordinarymum he isnt on the tenancy agreement as i moved in before we decided where our relationship was going. He wasnt working when i met him, and yes he smokes weed, this is another reason we argue. He needs it to feel 'normal'[/quote]
So he came to live with you because he needed a roof over his head OP.

You owe him nothing. All he has done is give you grief. Please get him out of your life. You will be surprised how quickly he moves on to the next mug nice girl who will have him.

Smoking weed causes anger and anxiety problems. How can anyone who does this hold a job down? He's a brick around your neck - and you know it.
Please don't be offended by what I say. It's well meant.

What an absolute waste of space he is. He is a very inadequate man bullying a woman the mother of his children. A dope smoking depressive and or paranoid. No doubt you pay for his weed.
Is he able to parent his children whilst your out being the main earner.

I can see it will be hard to get him out.
Do you have any friends who can help you.
You could be wait till his behaviour escalates again and call the police and get him out that way.
Keep posting - you are doing the right thing.
He’s an abusive cocklodger!!!
🌺 for you x

He has no right to be in your home, can you call round friends and relatives to back you up when you tell him to leave.

This is abuse plain and simple OP, I'm so sorry. You need to get out for your own sake and those of your DCs.

Meant to give you these.

@ButterFlyGirl19961 - sorry - I didn't mean to make you feel worse.

It's clear that you are suffering terribly and we are trying to help you find the strength to leave. It does make things harder that you can't just go to a relative or friend. Since his name is not on the tenancy and he contributes nothing to the household, you should be able to get him removed. Have you considered applying for a non-molestation order and an occupation order? If you speak to the National Centre for Domestic Violence, they will be able to advise you on the process and may also be able to refer you to a law firm which will help you draft the necessary papers free of charge: www.ncdv.org.uk/

If you can't call from home, many Boots and Superdrugs stores are offering use of their consultation rooms to domestic violence victims so they can make the calls they need to make.

Also, have you had a look at the Women's Aid link which I sent you? That will help you plan if you decide it is better for you to leave rather than try to force your partner out.

Or perhaps as PP suggest, you can get some friends round to help get him out - ideally including at least one or two large male friends.

Why isn’t he doing the housework if he isn’t working?

My abusive ex did that sort of stuff; it got worse over time. The fact he is trying to cut off your contact with other people, doubting what you say about where you are, making you feel bad about any time to give to other people etc, this will just deteriorate further. You feel like you are going mad because he is driving you mad - he will drive you crazy, then point at you and go 'look at you - you're crazy'. You are right, he is wrong. Even your DS can see it's wrong - derive stregnth from that and get away from him. Don't feel guilty about your DS being in this situation (it's not your fault), but you can get you and your DC's out of it and you really must. Speak to anyone IRL you can trust 100% initially.

So i thought id wrote an update. I wasnt able to follow through with womens aid, i understand you all maybe dissapointed. My emotions of guilt and the thought of police getting involved was too much to handle. The not knowing part scared me. Towards novemeber i asked him to leave for a while, i explained im really unhappy, i feel like my life isnt mine, the burden of money etc is really getting me down. I wasnt at home when i said this to him, it was through a phone call. Of course didnt go well he said he would change his attitude, get a job, be more helpful. I wasnt accepting it. I heard anger/screaming noises from phone then phone got cut off, i was angry that he might have smashed something up so returned home to tell him face to face and make it clear. When i got back the phone had clearly been snapped although he said he sat on it i couldnt argue as i wasnt there. But then the scheming ways come back i said i would leave. Of course that wasnt an option either. I didnt want to anger him more cuz i didnt trust him i didnt want him to lash out at me. So he is still here. Im writing all this as proof to myself he will never change as its Jan now and again no efforts have been made. On the plus side ive been offered therapy help to gain my confidence and self esteem. Ive looked for flats to move out with children. Its a shame that i can afford them they just wont accept me due to credit checks.

He's not I the tenancy OP, make him leave. Ring 101, explain the situation, they will help evict him and it will all be on file.

I know this sounds silly when i say it but in my head it makes sense, i feel like i cant ring them out of the blue he will wonder why ive done it what has he done to deserve it. Hes oblivious to how he makes me feel. I also know for certain if the police remove him he will be back and he will make it about the kids. Also he thinks everything is fine and dandy. He doesnt realise over the past years its easier to put on a happy face to keep his annoyance or anger at bay. Sometimes if looks could kill id be dead or i get that feeling im an inconvenience.

I know i still justify his behaviour at times as hes a daily weed smoker, when he doesnt have it i understand he will be aggitated and easily annoyed. Thats why i think i struggle to accept its abuse. Becaude hes only like this without it. Im ashamed to say i love the man he is stoned then he respects me, nice comments easier to talk to. But without it hes just unbearable

OP, you don't have to answer us. We want the best for you, but it's easy for us to say this as we are not you. It took me a year from saying I wanted to end things to actually leaving and I had no children to consider. I often cried on the floor wanting him to hit me because then everyone would understand, I would have a solid reason.

He thinks everything is fine and dandy, not because he is oblivious to your pain but because he doesn't care. You made your position clear which threatened his way of life but now it's back to normal and nothing has changed. He thinks he has won.

Keep engaging with Women's Aid and therapy. You don't need to make decisions to leave now but just having someone else confirm that what you feel is valid and understandable is priceless. You might find that when he realises therapy is helping you, he starts using more tactics which is why engagement with services is important. I think it's been mentioned earlier but the book "why does he do that?" Is very enlightening and I believe you can find it free online although make sure you are careful with your internet history.

Yes maybe he does think hes won. I hate that the guilt and fear wins me over. I thjnk ive tried to split up with him about 3 times now over the past 2 years. He says its unfair he has to leave , why does he have to suffer and have no where to go, why should we break up the family, that im the one that messes with his head when i suggest he leaves. But like ive said when ive attempted to leave that doesnt seem to be a choice either so i feel i cant win either way. I feel like i cant just ask him to leave or ask for police intervention without something happening first. I know this is where my aggitation comes from because im expecting to something to kick off.

What about your poor children?

This isn't about "winning" . Nobody is winning right now.

As ive said before hes not like this daily or weekly. But when it does kick off it drags on for hours, more of a lecturing and how im a dickhead brings up every 'mistake' ive made, times ive gone out and not prioritised him and kids, messages i dont respond back to, not telling him finish times for when im working. Repeating himself until i say what he wants but he gets angry when i repeat my answer. Or demanding apologies. I write this on here as its black and white what he does amd says is wrong. Im unable to write it on paper or memos in phone. At least when i read back through all this i know im not as crazy as he makes out i am

My boys mean everything to me. When he has a snipe at oldest i make sure to tell him hes out of line, he does say sorry to him. I never want to push him too far for him to get angry and lash out. When i have spoke to oldest about this i comfort him and although he knows its wrong he still wants his dad here with us. I dont want them resenting me but i know this situation wont be for much longer

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like this too?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Do you think he feels at all guilty here; not a bit of it so why do you feel guilty?. Guilty of and for what exactly?.

It is hard to leave but staying with him is really not an option at all. He needs to be gone from your home; why should you and your children be the ones to leave?. The police can and will help you here but you need to be brave and wear your big girl pants for their sake. Only you can take the first, and often the most hardest of steps, to leave.

It matters not a jot that he supposedly has nowhere to go. He also knows how you feel and he does not give a monkeys. He does not love you and these types also hate women, ALL of them.

Abusers are not nasty all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Make no mistake, you are very much still in an abusive relationship with this individual and your children will be affected markedly by this within their home too. What do you think their lives are like living in this household?. You cannot fully protect them from his abuses of you (and in turn them).

Who is really that more important to you; your sons or this bloke?.

If you do not act to get this bloke out of your lives your boys could well grow up to think that this man's behaviour is "normal" because you as their mother are seen by them to tolerate and otherwise excuse it. That is their perception.

You without doubt would not want either of them as adults to treat their partner like this. Stop doing your bit here to further show them such damaging lessons on relationships.