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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotional abuse or just silly arguments

108 replies

ButterFlyGirl19961 · 31/08/2020 20:52

So me and my partner have been together for 8 years, 2 children together aged 7 and 1. Im worried that hes slowly becoming emotionally abusive but i dont know if im overreacting or whether its just bickering and being horrible for sake of it.

So he has had a fair few temper tantrums where we have argued and if i disagree he has broke things i.e tv stand a tv, radiator, numerous doors, a tumble dryer. But his justification is he doesnt know why he does it, ill ask him to leave for space he will either cry or swear at me that hes going nowhere.

When i meet friends once every few weeks for a drink he will give me the silent treatment most of next morning then it will be arguement that i proritise friends over him and boys. That i fail to message back (even tho i do i just dont message when im in taxi home as he would be asleep anyway). That im deliberatly ignoring the texts, and i have no respect for him. Then he argues about me getting drunk isnt fun for him anymore as i go straight to sleep when im home there isnt anything sexually happening. Sometimes he will say 'how do i know ur actually where u say u are'. I have pictures to prove and uber taxi orders.

When i am speaking to brother or his sister on phone he says i spend more time talking to them than him even though hes speaking to his friends on a headset he says its lies. I will have a natter with neighbours when i cone back in he his pacing up and down kitchen biting nails. He says hes lonely that i dont speak to him then he will bring up that We barely have a sexual relationship anymore.

Ive asked him why these arguments lead to smashing things up sometimes he blames me saying ive made him like this, im the reason he cant trust people, why he doesnt like the outside....

Im the only one that works its a struggle to fund us all and a house his excuse is hes too old for a job now etc. Hes lost self respect Im just confused i dont know what to say or do anymore without being on eggshells or irritating him. He name calls and blames everyone else for his problems

OP posts:

NextOnesaGreyGoose · 02/09/2020 17:29

That's really good news. I am happy you were able to do that, I know it's a big step. I was thinking about you today. I know it's a really tough time for you at the minute. One day this will all be a distant memory and your life will have moved on to a better place. You just need to get through this next bit and you will be so much closer to getting there. Don't think about everything. Just one step at a time. Keep updating.

cariadlet · 02/09/2020 17:31

What a fantastic update. Well done for taking that first step. This must have been a tough and emotional few days for you. Fingers crossed that you can get him out and move on with your life.

ChikiTIKI · 02/09/2020 18:04

That's great. With you being the only one working, is the lease in your name?

pooopypants · 03/09/2020 10:54

Hope you're doing OK OP, I just stopped by to check in

Dontletitbeyou · 03/09/2020 14:39

It’s very scary , but you have made the first step in reaching out for help .
It’s so easy to fall into the belief that if he isn’t hitting you , or leaving physical scars , then it’s not abuse . That is very wrong . He is most definitely abusing you . It’s a very gradual process , and gets worse over time . It will continue to get worse that’s why it’s so important to get him out of your life .
The oldest line in the book ‘you made me like this . if you didn’t go out with your friends / not answer my messages immediately etc , I wouldn’t be like this ‘ it is rubbish , and just his way of not taking responsibility for his actions and behaviour .
It’s not normal to break tv’s , tumble drier , etc , it’s not normal to get in someone’s face and mimic them when they cry . This is a horrible way to live , he sounds absolutely vile .
Please don’t give up , call the relevant people and get him out of your house ASAP .
He will cry and tell you he’ll get help , how he can’t be without you . It’s all part of the manipulation and controlling cycle . Please please don’t listen to it . If he wanted to fix this he would have taken steps to make that happen .
Really got my fingers crossed for you , everyone here is right behind you xx

NextOnesAGreyGoose · 03/09/2020 18:33

How are you doing @ButterFlyGirl19961

It's okay if you haven't phoned anyone or did anything. The first step can often be the hardest. Just keep posting if it helps. It's a lot to deal with. I hope your doing okay.

Original poster

ButterFlyGirl19961 · 03/09/2020 19:20

@NextOnesaGreyGoose I dont know whay to think to be honest with you. I feel guilty and sneaky trying to get other people to make him leave because i cant. At the same time i annoy myself, this is my children lives mine too. Maybe because we havent agrued in a few days it seems ok again but i really know deep down it isnt

OP posts:

Daisy434 · 03/09/2020 20:22

I totally get that and that's why maybe I think you should try to talk to someone about it. It is really easy to let it go because of a few good days or to treat every incident as a one-off, or even to blame yourself for it happening at all. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you have been treated in this relationship. And it really is abusive.

If you talk about it it might start getting some clarity. Just don't stop posting at all, or if you leave for a while don't be afraid to come back. You can take some time with this if that's what you need. You won't need to have all the answers today and that's okay.

Just believe me when I say you are in a terrible relationship and you deserve so much better .

NextOnesAGreyGoose · 03/09/2020 21:01

I'm glad you're still posting @ButterFlyGirl19961, This is your house and your family . You wouldn't even be considering doing any of this if he had been a decent person. He has brought this to your relationship , not you. Try not to feel guilty. I'm glad it's calm just now and I really hope it continues to give you some space to think. He has been abusive to you a lot in your relationship and abusers don't change. They just don't.

Give yourself a break, you're doing what you can and you're thinking it through just now, I think talking it through with someone irl will make a big difference.

Original poster

ButterFlyGirl19961 · 15/09/2020 11:44

For nearly all the days, since posting this thread, im still sat here thinking why the hell am i still here in this situation? I cant bring myself to tell him to leave i feel guilty, he has nothing. I debate just leaving but where to go is an issue. I have such an overwhelming feeling of being stuck 😭

OP posts:

EKGEMS · 15/09/2020 12:18

@ButterFlyGirl19961 How stuck for your children feel in a home with an abusive,psycho Dad who's actively abusing their mother? Believe me your kids are suffering-my siblings and I were your kids 40 years ago. I've got two siblings with MH problems from being subjected to a childhood raised in a home with DV

GertrudeCB · 15/09/2020 12:23

OP he has nothing due to HIS choices.

Original poster

ButterFlyGirl19961 · 15/09/2020 12:33

I understand i need to be tougher and not allow his excuses to cloud my brain. I think im struggling to find the words too i feel like i stutter and get tongue tied with him esp during arguments. Im scared of his reaction too, i know this is bad but sometimes its easier to let it be. I feel drained and sick that i do this

OP posts:

Mumoftwo1994 · 15/09/2020 12:38

@ButterFlyGirl19961

Ive asked him why these arguments lead to smashing things up sometimes he blames me saying ive made him like this, im the reason he cant trust people, why he doesnt like the outside....

That isn't bickering I'm afraid, if you cut off friends, family and stopped speaking to the neighbours he'd probably we happy for awhile. But that's literally no life and the fact he destroys stuff in anger, that is not okay at all.

PinkMonkeyBird · 15/09/2020 12:41

@GertrudeCB

OP he has nothing due to HIS choices.

Exactly this.

OP you say you are scared of his reactions and it is easier to let it be...but it isn't. Take whatever help you can to get him out. You are not responsible for him and the way he treats you. Oh and him saying he can't get a job because he is too old in his 30s...diddums. He's just a lazy and nasty piece of shit who has taken you for granted.

Dery · 15/09/2020 12:52

Stop trying to talk to your partner about this. Just leave as soon as you have worked out where to go. You can tell him you have left him once you are in a place of safety for you and your DCs, whether that be a relative's or friend's home or a refuge.

The behaviour you are describing is domestic violence - emotional, psychological and physical, even if so far his physical violence has been used against things rather than people. All the forms of violence will have a very serious impact on you and your DCs. He will make it as hard as possible for you to leave and could turn physically violent to you directly.

The guilt you are feeling towards him will be because he has trained you to put him and his needs first in all things. That's what abusers do. In fact, abusers target people who are particularly kind and inclined to put their partner's needs ahead of their own right from the outset of the relationship. And no doubt he treats you well some of the time - no-one is abusive 100% of the time because abusers know that no-one will tolerate being mistreated all of the time. That's why the measure of a decent long-term relationship is not how good it is when things are going well but how awful it is when things are going badly. My relationship with DH is lovely when it's going well and a bit meh when it's going badly. An abusive relationship is scary and hellish when it's going badly.

Don't wait for your feelings of guilt towards your partner to pass before you act. They probably won't because he has trained you to put him first in all things. But your duties to your DCs and yourself are much more important. Your partner is an adult and he can look after himself. Your DCs are dependent on you for getting them away from the DV relationship with which they are currently growing up. You don't want them to think that it is normal for a man to treat a woman in this way, otherwise they risk repeating this pattern in their own relationships when they are adults. If that occurs, I should imagine the guilt you would feel would be far worse.

And it's not just about your DCs: you also have the right to feel safe, supported and valued in your home and to demand that for yourself.

It won't be easy getting away: a poster on another thread (who had escaped a DV relationship herself) likened it to escaping a burning building: you may get a bit burnt on the way out, you may even break an ankle jumping from a window to escape, but if you stay you know you will die. I'm not suggesting you will die but you know for sure that you and your DCs will experience a great deal of misery if you stay.

You feel stuck because you are waiting to feel ready to make your move. If there's one thing I have learnt in life, it's that we usually have to act before we feel ready: if we wait to feel ready, we will never act. Feeling ready so often comes after we have taken action, not before.

Take it in steps, make your plan and then make your move. Keep it secret from your partner. You owe it to yourself and your DCs to get away and trying to discuss it with your partner will only hinder that.

You will find information to help you prepare for your departure at this link:
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/#1447926965137-d1ebb2d0-ef20

Muchhappieronmyown · 15/09/2020 13:40

Hi there OP. I just wanted to say something as I had the exact same relationship. I had a post on here (name changed) but il message you the link and I had an AMAZING POSITIVE RESULT. I bit the bullet and seperated after months of deliberating about if I should do it, same as you now. I won’t lie it’s awful at fist BUT slowly but surely it’s absolutely does get better!! I’m the happiest I’ve been ever! Hand on heart happiest. The thing that pushed me to do it... somebody said to me if your daughter was in your shoes being bullied like that by partner what would you tell her... kids learn from parents and no way was I teaching my kids any longer that that is acceptable. Trust me, it will be the best thing you ever did. Speak to domestic violence helplines first, women’s aid and the police. Get all the information and help that’s out there first. Then a controlled separation can be achieved. I wish you all the best xx

Bananalanacake · 15/09/2020 13:43

How long has he been without a job? did he give it up when he moved in with you? I have no time for men who don't work, they are lazy shits. He has no pride if he is happy to let you pay for his housing and food.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 15/09/2020 13:47

My exh was like yours op. I left when he was at work. We split for 6 months and he convinced me he had changed. Went back and we bought a house. Within 2 weeks he was back to his abusive self. Police intervention and I field for divorce.. Ds still had therapy 21 years later. Get your dc away from him op. He didn't see the older 2 dc due to witnessing his violent behaviour and destruction of our home and possessions...

Original poster

ButterFlyGirl19961 · 15/09/2020 14:00

To be honest he hasnt worked a day since ive met him. Ive always thought to myself one day it would happen he would get a job. When i put it all into perspective his bullying ways, doesnt have a job, doesnt help me maintain house or even go shopping its always an argument when i mention these things. I sighed the other morning about washing up, not to him directly but to myself in the kitchen, he flipped it around and made it about himself. 'Maybe if you cook ill start cleaning' 'im sick of the state of it too'. I just want to add that i work full time on my days off i do cook and clean house and spend time with boys. I feel i cant cope anymore its too much. Im actually feeling depressed

OP posts:

ALLIS0N · 15/09/2020 14:10

No wonder you are getting depressed, you need to get out, for your own sake and for the kids.

You don’t need to discuss anything with him. In fact the advice is to NOT tell him anything but make all your plans in secret. That’s because he’s been violent before and this is a risky time for you and the kids. You might think he Would never harm his children but lots of men do, to punish their partners for leaving.

Please stay safe and get on with making your plans, with support from others who you can trust.

DONT confide in anyone like your mum who sadly isn’t on your side. She’s internalised a lot of damaging messages in her life, poor woman.

Dery · 15/09/2020 14:21

As PP have said: you're feeling depressed because you're in a crap relationship with a lazy, entitled, selfish git of a man. He is your sons' role model for how adult males behave. Is this what you want their adult behaviour to be modelled on? It doesn't bear thinking about, does it, OP?

It's hard but you need to get your act together and get away from this man. Don't wait to feel ready. Don't wait for it to feel easy. Don't wait to stop feeling guilty towards your partner. None of that will happen. You will need to act despite those feelings. You owe it to your DCs and to yourself.

Plan and act now. Your depression will only start to lift once you have got yourself and your DC away from this situation. What support do you have IRL? Any friends and/or family who can help you plan your get away?

Anordinarymum · 15/09/2020 14:26

OP may I ask a couple of questions please?

Is the house in your name?

Was he working when you met him?

Does he smoke weed ?

dublingirl66 · 15/09/2020 14:31

Hello

Please get out

So sad to hear this

He sounds awful !!!

Sharpandshineyteeth · 15/09/2020 14:32

I really recommend you do the freedom programme online on the quiet. It will open your eyes and you can think about next steps. Xx

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