Emotional abuse or just silly arguments

[ButterFlyGirl19961]

So me and my partner have been together for 8 years, 2 children together aged 7 and 1. Im worried that hes slowly becoming emotionally abusive but i dont know if im overreacting or whether its just bickering and being horrible for sake of it.

So he has had a fair few temper tantrums where we have argued and if i disagree he has broke things i.e tv stand a tv, radiator, numerous doors, a tumble dryer. But his justification is he doesnt know why he does it, ill ask him to leave for space he will either cry or swear at me that hes going nowhere.

When i meet friends once every few weeks for a drink he will give me the silent treatment most of next morning then it will be arguement that i proritise friends over him and boys. That i fail to message back (even tho i do i just dont message when im in taxi home as he would be asleep anyway). That im deliberatly ignoring the texts, and i have no respect for him. Then he argues about me getting drunk isnt fun for him anymore as i go straight to sleep when im home there isnt anything sexually happening. Sometimes he will say 'how do i know ur actually where u say u are'. I have pictures to prove and uber taxi orders.

When i am speaking to brother or his sister on phone he says i spend more time talking to them than him even though hes speaking to his friends on a headset he says its lies. I will have a natter with neighbours when i cone back in he his pacing up and down kitchen biting nails. He says hes lonely that i dont speak to him then he will bring up that We barely have a sexual relationship anymore.

Ive asked him why these arguments lead to smashing things up sometimes he blames me saying ive made him like this, im the reason he cant trust people, why he doesnt like the outside....

Im the only one that works its a struggle to fund us all and a house his excuse is hes too old for a job now etc. Hes lost self respect Im just confused i dont know what to say or do anymore without being on eggshells or irritating him. He name calls and blames everyone else for his problems

Abuse like you describe as well will take time, perhaps years even now, for you and in turn your kids to recover from. That recovery has not started for you as yet and they will need help and support too.

@ButterFlyGirl19961

Thank you to all that have commented. Because i never talk to anyone about these things i convinced myself it is my fault so much so i dont argue back or defend myself as the aggression will happen. But now im seeing all the comments it is 100% clear it aint normal.

It is not your fault.

You are not responsible for his aggression, he is.

@AttilaTheMeerkat my dad died when me and sibling were young so dont remember him. I do remember the relationship between me and mom was very eventful. She was neglectful. I always believed we struggled for money until i saw her patterns. Would only eat and interact woth people at school. Was not allowed to bring friends around. Would lie about illnesses. If at any point she was questioned by us she hid food and milk and didnt get school money for trips etc. Ive never told anyone this ive accepted all that though so it doesnt get to me. But thats the only bad relationship ive had/have.

I wonder if your mum was a little bit unkind to you as a child? Which is why you've learnt the 'skills' to endure this kind of relationship. She doesn't sound hugely helpful tbh, and it seems that you do need some help to get him out of the house. All I can say is that he is NOT your responsibility - he is his own responsibility. He will need to rent himself a house/flat, just like you are, and get a job, just like you are. Childcare can be found - plenty of fabulous childminders out there and after school clubs (pandemic notwithstanding).

I get that the childcare thing is certainly difficult right now, but why not use this time to try and plan a little bit ahead. Keep this thread so that you can look back when you're wavering and remember why you need to go ahead with asking him to leave. Plan what you're going to say to him, and how you'll respond to all his inevitable manipulations to make you back down. Write a little 'script' for yourself so you know what to say and when. (This really helped me when I had to 'have a word' with a neighbour about something).

You sound like a lovely person who deserves more than this.

Ah - cross posted. Just seen your update about your mum. I thought so. That's what's happened you see, and this is why children who are abused go on to have abusive relationships. They don't exactly 'attract' them, but when they find themselves in one, they've already got a whole load of strategies for living in it.

That does make sense. I suppose for so long with mom i didnt care about all the bad cuz she would always say she loved us. And as sad as it sounds that made me feel better. That it didnt seem as bad or at least we wasnt smacked. Maybe im doing the same here in relationship with partner. As long as he says he loves me it overshadows everything bad. But the bad comes more frequently but still i have that feeling at least im not being physically hit like it makes up for it.

That sounds like one of the 'techniques' you've taught yourself. "At least he's not hitting me" etc. Quite a useful one under other circumstances - the same as the one we all use sometimes e.g., 'it could be worse, I could be a) starving b) freezing to death c) lost in space - delete as appropriate. It's a way of looking on the bright side - 'it's not that bad'. Children with abusive parents do it all the time, to survive.

Maybe it could be worse, but you are unhappy, and as an adult, you can do something about it. You don't need to use your coping techniques to stay there.

Hope you can find a way to get rid of him.

Yeah i do agree. I keep telling myself this isnt the right time. But of course it is its either now or a life of misery im putting us through. Im guessing i struggle to find the words to say to him. I should just ask him to leave right now but its like i just cant get them words out every other time ive asked him to go its because his temper got to much. Like now i feel like my unhaopiness isnt a good enough excuse for him