Emotional abuse or just silly arguments

[ButterFlyGirl19961]

So me and my partner have been together for 8 years, 2 children together aged 7 and 1. Im worried that hes slowly becoming emotionally abusive but i dont know if im overreacting or whether its just bickering and being horrible for sake of it.

So he has had a fair few temper tantrums where we have argued and if i disagree he has broke things i.e tv stand a tv, radiator, numerous doors, a tumble dryer. But his justification is he doesnt know why he does it, ill ask him to leave for space he will either cry or swear at me that hes going nowhere.

When i meet friends once every few weeks for a drink he will give me the silent treatment most of next morning then it will be arguement that i proritise friends over him and boys. That i fail to message back (even tho i do i just dont message when im in taxi home as he would be asleep anyway). That im deliberatly ignoring the texts, and i have no respect for him. Then he argues about me getting drunk isnt fun for him anymore as i go straight to sleep when im home there isnt anything sexually happening. Sometimes he will say 'how do i know ur actually where u say u are'. I have pictures to prove and uber taxi orders.

When i am speaking to brother or his sister on phone he says i spend more time talking to them than him even though hes speaking to his friends on a headset he says its lies. I will have a natter with neighbours when i cone back in he his pacing up and down kitchen biting nails. He says hes lonely that i dont speak to him then he will bring up that We barely have a sexual relationship anymore.

Ive asked him why these arguments lead to smashing things up sometimes he blames me saying ive made him like this, im the reason he cant trust people, why he doesnt like the outside....

Im the only one that works its a struggle to fund us all and a house his excuse is hes too old for a job now etc. Hes lost self respect Im just confused i dont know what to say or do anymore without being on eggshells or irritating him. He name calls and blames everyone else for his problems

if i disagree he has broke things i.e tv stand a tv, radiator, numerous doors, a tumble dryer.

Ive asked him why these arguments lead to smashing things up sometimes he blames me saying ive made him like this, im the reason he cant trust people, why he doesnt like the outside....

Our children have never been in the same room but my eldest has heard hes questioned saying is daddy bullying you. I dont know what to say to him

Jesus. You don't even know what's normal any more and I think you need therapy before entering into another relationship.

Even your children know he's a bully. I think the reason why you've hung on and you're so confused is because he's nice the rest of time time and you have this strange dynamic of off & on. You are the frog who's being boiled.

Hi op, so glad that you've realised that this behaviour isn't right and isn't normal. That must have been hard to come to terms with. I hope you have some support in RL and can find a safe way to leave him.

OP, that is appalling (and textbook) abuse. Please contact Women’s Aid, and also your local police domestic violence unit. Smashing up household items, emotionally abusing you, and coercive control of your social contact, all qualify for police action. They can support you, and it means the bastard’s behaviour will be on record, so you have validation for the future if you need it.
You need to get away urgently, before your child grows up thinking this is normal, and before your confidence and self esteem get ground down too far for you to be able to leave.

How are you doing today @ButterFlyGirl19961

@NextOnesaGreyGoose Thank you for asking, deep down i feel confused, like this isnt my life. The video u recommended made sense, but because the issue isnt everday im struggling to understand what im feeling. I have all these ifs and buts and questions however i know everyone who has commented i know is right. But i think ive got some sort of veil over my eyes...

I think that it's quite natural for you to feel confused and that everything's a bit unreal.

I'm sure that he didn't behave like this at first. He's very gradually eroded your self worth and the awful behaviour has increased incrementally. If it had happened straight away then it would have been easy to recognise the abuse yourself and walk away from him.

It's happened so gradually and has become normalised for you. Then all of a sudden, you have dozens of strangers on the Internet telling you that he is abusive and that you deserve so much more. That new perspective is bound to be hard to adjust to.

This is abuse, OP. Him moking you and smashing things up is basically him saying "this is what I will eventually do to you". I'm sure you're scared and your child is too. He might be nice other times, but this is his true self. You cannot change him because he thinks he hasn't done anything wrong. You don't have to stand for this. Please leave this man and confide in your family/friends. It won't be easy and you will have to be very careful, but you can absolutely do it. Contact Womens Aid. They can give you lots of good advice. Best of luck.

OP, normal decent men do not behave that way towards their partners. The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is none. Normal arguments between partners are not like you describe. He sounds vile, cruel and aggressive. Please get help to get away from him, for your own sake and your dc.

Not only is he violent and abusive towards you (and by abusing their mother he is also abusing your children), he's tuning everything round and making you believe that it's your fault he is such a bastard.

He is a lazy good-for-nothing sod as well. What does he mean, he's too old for a job? Unless he's past retirement age he should get his sorry ass out of the door and go and find work.

I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation

@bluecoffeecups Hes still early 30s, his excuses are always hes too old, no one gives out jobs anymore, people employ younger people who has boys when we would both be working, tbh i just give up expecting things now

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Your children do notice your reactions both spoken and unspoken to his abuse of you and your eldest has certainly noticed already. It is for them as well that this man needs to be gone from your lives. There is no future at all for you in this relationship and it will only go one way further - downwards. He will drag you and these children down with him.

You have indeed been wise to write about this on here. Abuse like you describe from him as well thrives on secrecy; please consider opening up to family. Where are your parents here?. As other respondents have written I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid and the local domestic violence unit at the police station.

I think it's really common to feel like that, and many people stay in abusive relationships for the same reasons. It can be easy to slip into a relationship where you are treated badly through rationalising the bad behaviour, minimising the effect on you and your family and justifying that you somehow caused or deserved it.

It is really important that you hold onto this little bit of knowledge and understanding you are starting to have about your situation. Keep posting. Even if you name change and talk about different, specific things it might help for you to come to terms. Or don't name change and stay posting on this thread. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

I have never been abused in an adult relationship but I was very , very badly abused as a child. And I made excuses for it for a very long time "they didn't know any better", "they were abused themselves as children", and "they tried their best". At the end of the day though , none of this matters. None of it. How you are being treated by him is the only thing that matters. And you are in an abusive relationship with an abuser. Try to come to terms with this fact. You don't deserve the treatment you're getting, you never caused him to act this way and you can't fix the problem, the abuse. You just can't. You can only walk away and do what you can to protect yourself and your children. Just try to come to terms with that just now, I know it is a lot and your head probably feels like it might explode with it all.

Xxx

Early 30s and he’s too old to get a job? I thought you would say he is late 50s. Means he’s both horrible AND lazy. You are carrying everyone and getting terrible grief for it - this is awful.

@AttilaTheMeerkat My mom is not in a position where she can help ive have spoke to her briefly about this sometime ago she stated 'youve made you bed' or 'hes never hit you just ignore him'. This is probably one of the reasons why i feel foggy. Calling womans aid is maybe my only option i plan to make the call tomorrow at work as im sure he would hear the call while im at home

He isnt abusive because he is angry, he is angry because he is abusive.

@NextOnesaGreyGoose Im sorry to hear about your childhood, i can understand the impact it can leave, i know the longer im ignoring the issues it will impact the children also. I dont want my naivety to effect my children. I know this is slowly happening.

Oh I'm sorry your mum said that. You haven't "made your bed". And honestly. Please believe everyone when they say he is very abusive. Physically assaulting you is not a minimal requirement for being in an abusive relationship. Many years ago, physical violence was much more commonplace in the home, many people can still have the outdated view that this is what abuse is. It really isn't. You deserve so much more than this. Phone women's aid tomorrow. Maybe write down some notes before in order to help clear your head. If you do this remember to destroy them afterwards. Just please phone them. It will help.

@Bunnymumy I have asked him to seek help. He just doesnt see there is a problem or its because 'ive made him who he is' 'he doesnt have to explain himself to amyone'

The thing is though op, no amount of 'help' is going to make a nasty bastard into a nice person.
He is who he is. And who he is is a bully.

What you're describing is text book abuse - and he certainly fits the abuser profile including the massive sense of entitlement (i.e. allowing you to financially support him without him even trying to get a job) and the instinct to blame everyone else for his own actions and his situation.

There may not be physical violence against you yet (though breaking things is physical violence) but there is emotional and psychological violence which is also extremely damaging and which constitutes domestic abuse. The author of "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser: How He Gets Into Her Head", Don Hennessy, who has worked with male abusers for many, many years makes clear that all domestic abusers are capable of physical violence against their partner. If they haven't been physically violent yet it's because they've haven't felt the need to be. After all, he is managing to get everything he wants from you with his current level of abuse.

Also - don't wait for him to get help. It is very unlikely he will change his behaviour at all and even if he does it will require years of highly specialised work which may well not be successful in any case. Both Don Hennessy and Lundy Bancroft (Author of "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men") are very clear that ordinary counselling is not helpful for abusers because it is essentially an affirming process and abusers don't need affirmation. And anger management courses don't go nearly far enough.

It's great that you have realised you need to get out of this relationship. You need to plan your departure carefully and do NOT tell your partner what you are planning as abusers tend to ramp up their abuse if they sense they are losing control.

You will hopefully find lots of helpful information at this link: www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/

And if you need privacy to make phone calls Boots, Superdrug, Morrisons and various other places are part of a safe space scheme where victims of domestic abuse can use shop facilities (such as a their consulting room) to access specialist support (e.g. ring Women's Aid etc): uksaysnomore.org/safespaces/

Whose name is the house in op?
Get support from woman’s aid. Tell people in real life.

He isn't becoming abusive op.

He IS abusive and aggressive.

Abusers are not always horrible. Otherwise no one would stay. It's a tactic. Google the cycle of abuse.

Be careful, but seriously contemplate leaving. Do not tell him this, as it could cause him to escalate.

Do not think he will never turn on you, many women think "it's all emotional, he won't hurt me" but abusers escalate. Especially when they think they are losing control (their victim leaving/realising what is happening etc)

How are you today @ButterFlyGirl19961, are you going to be able to phone women's aid?

He's not angry, he's abusive.
Would he smash things up at work or mimic people in their face?
No he wouldn't.
Lots of good advice here. I hope you get some support

@NextOnesaGreyGoose I was able to get in touch with national domestic helpline as live chat was closed for womens aid. They have given me a direct number to ring for a local womens aid that have connections to housing that may help with him being removed