Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hubby Masturbating

137 replies

EllieToday · 30/08/2020 20:12

So, this is going to sound so odd but, I woke up one evening to find my hubby was masturbating to porn right next to me whilst I was asleep... I was too shocked when I woke to confront him so I waited for him to finish and went to the bathroom (he realised I'd noticed) - he was ashamed and embarrassed but said it was because he didn't want to wake me and he apologized - we have wonderful sex and quite frequently so I didn't understand why he did this...advice would be greatly appreciated...

OP posts:
Lifeislikeaboxofchocolat · 31/08/2020 00:44

Genuinely I don’t see this as a big deal. Myself and Dh have a healthy sex life, I love him to bits. He works stupidly long hours as soon, as his head hits the pillow he’s out and I have a higher sex drive than him. I will masturbate to porn next to him,I have told him in the past, he really is not bothered and understands it helps me with daily stress, getting to sleep etc. I personally don’t see this as a big deal.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 31/08/2020 00:50

If there was no porn involved and he was just bashing the bishop to his imagination next to you then would that have been ok?

IdblowJonSnow · 31/08/2020 00:50

I think he should have done it elsewhere personally.
It doesn't matter what other people think tho OP, if you don't feel ok with it then that's fine.
Just be honest, ask him not to do it again.

famousforwrongreason · 31/08/2020 00:58

I don't have any problem with people masturbating, but I do have a problem with my partner wanking if we don't have any sex life.
If they are choosing porn instead of you I see that as a problem. It happened to me and hugely damaged my self esteem.
If you don't like him watching porn to get off then you have to decide whether you want to stay with him.
In my experience they don't stop, just hide it better.

Therollockingrogue · 31/08/2020 01:11

Gosh why are there so many competitively cool posters on mumsnet? It’s strange because it doesn’t seem representative of the real world at all. Lots of women wouldn’t like their husband wanking over porn in bed next to them while they sleep ffs?!! It’s pretty disrespectful tbh.
And as for insecure. Well gosh personally I feel that when you’ve dedicated years of your life to a man, and you’re laid in bed with stretch marks and wobbly bits and tits that perhaps weren’t what they once were , and your nearest and dearest is beside you wanking over some hot young thing, it can make you feel pretty sensitive. I find it hurtful.

Josuk · 31/08/2020 01:32

@Therollockingrogue

Lots of assumptions in your post. This happens when people project their own feelings onto others....
There is no reason to believe that OP ‘has dedicated years, has stretch marks and saggy boobs’ and that her H was looking at hot young thing.

He was having a quick wank to porn - so I presume there was just a closeup of body parts.
And, to me, she herself sounds quite young.
So - in that case - why should OP feel so sensitive?

theprincessmittens · 31/08/2020 01:59

Contrary to popular opinion on here, you are allowed to be pissed off by this.

My ex H admitted to doing the same (before we were even married). It immediately made me feel the ick and I told him that I didn't give a flying fuck about him wanking - all I asked was that he kept it private and didn't do it in the bed next to me.

I also told the same to now partner when we got together. I operate on a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy...unless it's a agreed thing we do together, I don't need/want to know. We are in a LDR, so it is easier, but even if it wasn't, I'd expect him to be discrete and do it in a bathroom...

You are allowed to feel annoyed/fucked off/icky about this.

Pesimistic · 31/08/2020 04:22

He could have gone to the bathroom, male wankung isnt exactly stealthy is it, I think its disrespectful to wank next to someone in bed, I wouldnt have been happy either

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2020 07:30

@Therollockingrogue

Gosh why are there so many competitively cool posters on mumsnet? It’s strange because it doesn’t seem representative of the real world at all. Lots of women wouldn’t like their husband wanking over porn in bed next to them while they sleep ffs?!! It’s pretty disrespectful tbh. And as for insecure. Well gosh personally I feel that when you’ve dedicated years of your life to a man, and you’re laid in bed with stretch marks and wobbly bits and tits that perhaps weren’t what they once were , and your nearest and dearest is beside you wanking over some hot young thing, it can make you feel pretty sensitive. I find it hurtful.
Why do some posters do this. Use “cool” as some form of passive aggressive insult. Just because some folks are ok with it and you wouldn’t be doesn’t give you the right to decide they deserve a bit of abuse for it.

And you’ve no idea what type of porn he was watching. “Hot young thing” seriously ? 😱😱😱

nosswith · 31/08/2020 08:22

I am a man and would never dream of doing such a thing and I am sure every woman I have ever had any relationship with would be disgusted if I had done this.

Dery · 31/08/2020 08:27

Everyone has different boundaries on this so it’s a case of working it out between the couple.

The masturbation wouldn’t bother me - as a pp said, it may be intended to help with getting back to sleep and my DH and I have both done it in those circs and personally I think it’s a bit harsh to require your partner to leave the warmth of the shared bed to masturbate if he’s doing it for that purpose. I certainly think it’s a bit extreme to describe it as a form of sexual assault. I wouldn’t masturbate next to friends but I don’t have sex with my friends or sleep naked next to them either so I’m not sure it’s the most obvious comparator.

However, I would be uncomfortable with the porn.

But unless he routinely chooses masturbation to porn over sex with you, you shouldn’t see it as a rejection of you.

Your partner sounds respectful so hopefully you can have a good discussion to set out boundaries re this.

Anthilda · 31/08/2020 08:56

Gross and weird. I'd be put right off any partner who did this. I had no idea that other people consider this as normal.

Therollockingrogue · 31/08/2020 09:28

@Bluntness100 it’s not exactly abuse, it’s a valid question. There IS a level of competitive cool and I wonder why. And to suggest it might be a ‘hot young thing’ he’s wanking over is hardly a revolutionary idea is it? The porn industry is well known for this surely? A large proportion of the participants are young, thin, surgically enhanced, tanned, good looking people.

Bereft2020 · 31/08/2020 09:31

I’m like the least cool wife there is tbh.

ThirteenRed · 31/08/2020 09:34

I've posted about this before under another name....I caught DH doing this years ago (pre children) I waited five mins then jumped up and shouted BOO! He hasn't done it again 😂 Well I haven't caught him doing it again

sofato5miles · 31/08/2020 09:34

Long term relationship, wanking while i slept, i understand. Watching porn next to me to do it would piss me off - it is so blantantly getting off to the thought of someone else

ClareBlue · 31/08/2020 09:59

I suppose the answer to your original question is
Some women have no issue with this at all
Some no issue with it but do with using porn
Some no issue as long as done in private
Some no issue with it in private but do with porn even in private
Some big issue being next to you with or without porn
Some big issue next to you with porn but not the act
Some do it themselves
Some blame you for being insecure
Some say this is a red line and unacceptable

Some have given TMI

Hope this has helped youSmile

Original poster
EllieToday · 31/08/2020 10:06

@sofato5miles

Long term relationship, wanking while i slept, i understand. Watching porn next to me to do it would piss me off - it is so blantantly getting off to the thought of someone else
I feel really let down/upset by him basically getting off to someone else. We've spoken about it and he said he couldn't sleep so he basically just needed something to get off to...I'm still not sure about it really but it'll be fine.
OP posts:
Branleuse · 31/08/2020 10:06

I think thats really bad manners. I would have at least expected either an offer of sex, or for him to go masturbate privately

Strugglingtodomybest · 31/08/2020 10:12

I'd have no problem with the wanking but a massive problem with the porn. As far as I know, DH doesn't use porn so it would be a shock and would completely change my opinion of him.

ShitStain · 31/08/2020 10:18

I think it’s grim. Not the wanking but watching porn right next to you while giving his dick friction burns is a bit off.

Next time get some hot, toned and cute men on your phone and rub one off, purposely waking him up then say Oh I didn’t want to wake you.

Sakurami · 31/08/2020 10:21

It is grim that he did it next to you.

But if you have good and frequent sex then I wouldn't worry about you not being enough for him. He was being considerate. Maybe now he knows youd be happy to be woken up, he will wake you instead.

Estrellente · 31/08/2020 10:47

It wouldn’t bother me at all. And I’m not a “cool wife”, I just have different boundaries to you.

Josuk · 31/08/2020 10:56

@EllieToday, @sofato5miles

First. Do you really believe that in all your lives your partners won’t see/appreciate/get aroused by someone/something else?
This is just not realistic - humans are sexual beings and sexuality is all around us.

Second. Have a look at a typical porn clip, for a few min. Give it a try.
Mostly it’s initial shots of people, then quickly to close ups of the ‘deed’. There is no ‘others’ that one connects with in that image. No time. The brain takes over with some purely physical reaction to a visual.
It’s not at all the same as the connection/interaction of the real life sexual encounter.

And - just to add to it - do you really think that your partners only wank imaging sex with you? We have minds and imagination for a reason. People tend to use it. And it’s harmless.
I mention this because you seem to object not only to ‘seeing’ people on porn, but also to ‘getting off to the thoughts of others’.
Mind control isnt quite possible and you’ll drive yourself unhappy worrying about it.

Porn can be bad in a relationship. Absolutely. When it takes over from normal sex life.
It isn’t a case in OP’s relationship. There is no need to make an issue where there isn’t one.

MillyMollyFarmer · 31/08/2020 11:05

I think it’s disrespectful to do if you haven’t discussed it as some point- not the masturbation but the porn. I would of let him know I was awake and not impressed.