Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hubby Masturbating

137 replies

EllieToday · 30/08/2020 20:12

So, this is going to sound so odd but, I woke up one evening to find my hubby was masturbating to porn right next to me whilst I was asleep... I was too shocked when I woke to confront him so I waited for him to finish and went to the bathroom (he realised I'd noticed) - he was ashamed and embarrassed but said it was because he didn't want to wake me and he apologized - we have wonderful sex and quite frequently so I didn't understand why he did this...advice would be greatly appreciated...

OP posts:
xtinak · 30/08/2020 21:15

Always interesting to see responses you don't expect. For me I would be totally weirded out my him doing this next to me as well.

SparklingLime · 30/08/2020 21:16

Perhaps suggest to him that he moves to another room in future. Then you won’t be uncomfortable thinking that it will happen again. And it’s a reasonable, respectful thing for him to do.

xtinak · 30/08/2020 21:17

People are being strangely mean to you OP!

eaglejulesk · 30/08/2020 21:17

He didn’t make you feel insecure. This is on you, and you need to own it. I’m sorry but you do.

I agree with this - he didn't do it because you are 'not enough', you're the one who's put that on yourself.

Sorry OP, but you seem to be one of those posters who expect others to agree with you, and get sniffy if they don't. He didn't do anything wrong, but if you are unhappy with it then you need to talk to him, not MN.

Intrepidintrovert · 30/08/2020 21:18

You were asleep. He wanted a release. Might have been better to go somewhere more discrete and I’m sure he will next time.

Howallergic · 30/08/2020 21:18

At least have the decency not to wake you up in the process. Tell him to "relieve" himself in the bathroom forthwith. As I said, I too had a wanker and that relationship ended.

Original poster
EllieToday · 30/08/2020 21:19

@eaglejulesk

He didn’t make you feel insecure. This is on you, and you need to own it. I’m sorry but you do.

I agree with this - he didn't do it because you are 'not enough', you're the one who's put that on yourself.

Sorry OP, but you seem to be one of those posters who expect others to agree with you, and get sniffy if they don't. He didn't do anything wrong, but if you are unhappy with it then you need to talk to him, not MN.

I'm not expecting anyone to agree with me at all!!! This is my first time on here for goodness sake!! 'one of those posters', don't make me laugh.
OP posts:
Bereft2020 · 30/08/2020 21:19

I don’t think anyone has really been mean to be fair. It’s fine to disagree and be honest about it.

SparklingLime · 30/08/2020 21:20

Dear god, there’s some judgemental, miserable bastards on here these days. ‘Get off MN’ is only helpful in an emergency.

London1001 · 30/08/2020 21:22

As a guy here on this forum I would say really don’t worry about it at all. You have a good sex life and maybe he just fancied being on his own so to speak.

I think the problem is always if he uses porn to compensate for little/ or no sex life

Smile
Original poster
EllieToday · 30/08/2020 21:23

I just wanted some support from women who may have experienced the same thing - people have jumped to conclusions and been mean to be honest.

I understand people have different opinions and I accept them, people have been very presumptuous really and not listened at all. I've spoken to him about it and felt no different but I'll need to learn to feel different about it apparently.

Thanks to everyone who gave me genuine advice, you've been lovely.

OP posts:
JKRisagryff · 30/08/2020 21:24

I would be find this gross and degrading tbh if DH did this. I couldn’t give a crap about him masturbating but definitely not beside me while watching porn without my consent.

SubordinateThatClause · 30/08/2020 21:25

Well there's talking to him and talking to him.

Was it a 5 minute "well that was a bit weird" or a more in depth conversation where you actually explained what it was that bothered you, and why, and came to some agreement as to how he should proceed if he got the raging midnight horn another time?

From your reply I would hazard a guess that this isn't resolved for you and further discussions are needed.

PushyMeez · 30/08/2020 21:25

I think the replies have sounded quite harsh, OP. As an impartial person I honestly think you shouldn't read much into it or feel bad. But I know I'd hate it too!

WaterOffADucksCrack · 30/08/2020 21:27

Like I say I honestly don't mind him doing it at all You clearly do mind though!

People aren't unkind just because they disagree with you. And I agree with posters saying your insecurity is yours to deal with.

Personally we don't do it next to each other whilst the other is sleeping. If I woke up to that I'd just ask him to do it elsewhere. I certainly wouldn't think he was "choosing" it over me. If I felt like that I'd want to work on myself and not blame my innocent partner for "making me feel insecure". The most I'd ask is for their support whilst I worked though my issues which for me would be a set time for him to have the children each week so I could seek proper help.

Regularsizedrudy · 30/08/2020 21:32

The polite thing to do would be go to the bathroom/spare room but he probably couldn’t be arsed and didn’t think you would wake up. Just tell him it made you uncomfortable and not to do it again. It sounds like you need to work on your self esteem.

PatriciaBateman · 30/08/2020 21:33

I think it's entirely an individual/personal thing, which is why you've had mixed replies.

I don't care about DH masturbating, I'd rather be do that then wake me.

I do object to porn ethically (not a security issue), therefore I don't watch it, but I leave DH moral choices up to him.

However, I would feel repulsed if I witnessed him doing it, and this would damage my respect/desire for him over time and I would tell him so.

It's a natural function, but there are many natural functions I don't wish to bear close witness to.

I do think the security thing is more something to work on with yourself (in the nicest way possible), but regardless, if you just plain object, he should respect that.

Eckhart · 30/08/2020 21:34

while watching porn without my consent

Seriously?

FindingNeverland1 · 30/08/2020 21:35

I would hate this. I think to wank right beside me (asleep) with porn on is a violation. Crosses a line for me. Particularly because of the porn but also by wanking in such close proximity to me without my knowledge or consent. I would not masturbate while my partner was asleep beside me either, btw.

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough · 30/08/2020 21:36

Imo wanking should be done in private unless the other party is involved..

Deadringer · 30/08/2020 21:38

@Bereft2020

This is a pretty grim thing to do next to your sleeping partner

Is it? Why? I’ve done that tonnes of times when my husbands been asleep beside me. When else would I get the time? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Do you watch porn while you do it? I think its a bit disrespectful op tbh.
Sootikinstew · 30/08/2020 21:38

No OP I don't think this is normal or respectful actually.

Masturbation isn't dirty or wrong in any way when done in private or in the presence of another consenting adult but why is doing it right next to your sleeping (non consenting) partner less wrong than a sleeping stranger it isn't. Both might wake up to something that they did not consent to witnessing.

You need to have a chat about him needing to just go to the bathroom or stay downstairs op.

Fleamaker123 · 30/08/2020 21:40

You're getting a tough time OP, bet you wished you'd never asked!
You don't have to change the way you feel about it just because other people on here wouldn't be bothered. You feel how you feel. It's never happened in my relationship, but I wouldn't be particularly thrilled about it. I don't like porn though so that would upset me too. I appreciate people enjoy it though.

newbie222 · 30/08/2020 21:41

I would feel uncomfortable to wake up to that. It just seems disrespectful.

Time2change2 · 30/08/2020 21:42

I would absolutely be upset by this OP. The main thing for me would be watching porn next to me whilst I was asleep. I find porn pretty gross and degrading and DH knows this so watching it next to me would be a serious knock to the respect he has for me. I would find the wanking next to me asleep pretty creepy to be honest.

Swipe left for the next trending thread