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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hubby Masturbating

137 replies

EllieToday · 30/08/2020 20:12

So, this is going to sound so odd but, I woke up one evening to find my hubby was masturbating to porn right next to me whilst I was asleep... I was too shocked when I woke to confront him so I waited for him to finish and went to the bathroom (he realised I'd noticed) - he was ashamed and embarrassed but said it was because he didn't want to wake me and he apologized - we have wonderful sex and quite frequently so I didn't understand why he did this...advice would be greatly appreciated...

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 30/08/2020 20:47

He didn’t make you feel insecure. This is on you, and you need to own it. I’m sorry but you do.

If you don’t wish him to do this then say so but the feelings you’ve got behind it, like insecurity etc are yours and not his fault.

Original poster
EllieToday · 30/08/2020 20:49

I can see why your name is bluntness, bloody hell🙄 I won't bother getting advice next time.

OP posts:
Northernsoullover · 30/08/2020 20:49

I wouldn't appreciate my partner knocking one out next to me. I couldn't care if he does it 3 times a day but not whilst I'm there.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/08/2020 20:51

You’ve had advice, you just don’t like it. Some women mind, some don’t, hell some even do it themselves. It wasn’t the blanket replies you were hoping for.

If you don’t like it, then tell him, it’s your marriage not ours.

Don’t let it stop you posting on mn though, lots of great conversations and advice on many topics.

Original poster
EllieToday · 30/08/2020 20:52

I appreciate the advice I've had, just don't appreciate the horrid replies.

OP posts:
RaspberryToupee · 30/08/2020 20:53

@EllieToday

LTB? I just wondered if it was normal and I've had a mixed response.
Well you’re going to get a mixed response. People have different views on porn, masturbating and when that should be. There isn’t going to be a consensus. It it bothers you, tell you husband you found it uncomfortable. He’s apologised. End of.
Original poster
EllieToday · 30/08/2020 20:54

@Northernsoullover

I wouldn't appreciate my partner knocking one out next to me. I couldn't care if he does it 3 times a day but not whilst I'm there.
That's what I thought. Like I say I honestly don't mind him doing it at all, it's normal. But it's the doing it right next to me - just made me feel weird.
OP posts:
namechangedforthecraic · 30/08/2020 20:54

I can't believe the rudeness of these replies OP. Not how I imagined this thread would go! I think it's very disrespectful behaviour and would be really upset to have been in your shoes. Have you talked it through with him?

SparklingLime · 30/08/2020 20:56

Try not to just focus on the unpleasant, judgemental responses, @EllieToday (although I know it’s hard not to). The people who are being unhelpful or unpleasant may well have very low expectations in their own relationships, and so get jumpy when someone questions boundaries.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 30/08/2020 20:56

I woke up and my wife was masturbating to porn next to me. Lol.
Sorry OP, no advice Ive been reading to much mumsnet.
Men - they are what they are.

Runkle · 30/08/2020 20:57

None of us know why he did it. Did he answer that q for you?
You need to decide if it's a problem for you or not. You'll just get mixed responses here because we're all different.

Original poster
EllieToday · 30/08/2020 20:57

@namechangedforthecraic

I can't believe the rudeness of these replies OP. Not how I imagined this thread would go! I think it's very disrespectful behaviour and would be really upset to have been in your shoes. Have you talked it through with him?
Thankyou!!! I appreciate your response. I've spoken to him about it and he just said he didn't want to wake me because he knows I work long hours. He's done it before as well apparently so I just feel a bit odd. I don't want to tell him what to do but I'm not sure how I feel about it really.

I felt as if it was me and I didn't do it for him anymore (attracted to me) hence the porn but he says it's not the case.

OP posts:
Howallergic · 30/08/2020 20:58

An ex of mine used to tug himself and wake me up. That fairly cooled his ardour. Eventually I lost all sexual interest in him. If other women are cool with it, so be it, but I can't be attracted to a man pulling the dick off himself.

Sally2791 · 30/08/2020 20:59

I think it’s off and a bit disrespectful- as did he obviously.Fine doing it, just not next to your partner.

VesperLynne · 30/08/2020 20:59

Next time give him a hand.

morefun · 30/08/2020 20:59

I would imagine he is telling the truth and still fancies you, as you said you have a great sex life. He probably thought you wouldn't appreciate being woken up for sex. He hasn't chosen porn over you. Try to put it out of your mind.

sunlight81 · 30/08/2020 20:59

Totally normal ... if my DH woke and was horny and I was asleep, I deffo would not want him to wake me in order to get him off. I would much prefer he watch a bit a porn and please himself.

Perhaps I may need to work on your confidence and self worth, a bit of porn in the middle of the night doesn't mean ur not enough!!

Hedgehog44 · 30/08/2020 21:00

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

WhoWouldHaveThoughtThat · 30/08/2020 21:03

I think the worst thing is the fact that he was driving you home at the time, in the Salvation Army mobile soup kitchen.Hmm

Original poster
EllieToday · 30/08/2020 21:05

@WhoWouldHaveThoughtThat

I think the worst thing is the fact that he was driving you home at the time, in the Salvation Army mobile soup kitchen.Hmm
What? I seriously don't understand what you just said
OP posts:
Herewegoagain84 · 30/08/2020 21:09

Not sure why you’re getting such a hard time OP. I’d find this disrespectful if I woke to find my DH doing this. Though every relationship has different boundaries/tolerances, and I’m guessing this is a first for you - as in you know he masturbates but you’ve never had to see it before. I feel the same - in all likelihood it happens, but I don’t particularly want it shoved in my face.

Bereft2020 · 30/08/2020 21:10

I quite often masturbate to help me sleep. Usually DH is asleep beside me. As far as I know he’s never been aware of it but I’d be pretty annoyed if he told me not to do it. Like how does it affect him?

GreyGardens88 · 30/08/2020 21:10

YABU to use the word hubby

SubordinateThatClause · 30/08/2020 21:13

Three issues here - the wank, the porn and the location. Some people would be bothered by none of these, some by all 3. The important thing is that you work out which bothers you and you TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT! Gassing on here will do nothing other than upset you when replies are blunt.

Original poster
EllieToday · 30/08/2020 21:15

@SubordinateThatClause

Three issues here - the wank, the porn and the location. Some people would be bothered by none of these, some by all 3. The important thing is that you work out which bothers you and you TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT! Gassing on here will do nothing other than upset you when replies are blunt.
I have talked to him about it but I still felt off so I wanted some advice from women who may have experienced this too, else what's the point on having a net like this? 'gassing on here' is what most women do for support so what's your point here?
OP posts: