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Original poster

Don't think DM likes taking care of grandchildren

115 replies

Sourdo · 29/08/2020 10:31

My DM lives 150 miles away (she moved away) but visits roughly every 3-5 weeks. Often, I have to work at weekends from home and get the DCs to different classes etc (just starting back up again).

However, if I ask her to watch the DCs whilst I work or take them to a class during her visit, she seems to become offended. I've asked her if she minds and she says she doesn't but I'll then get a comment when she's been drinking along the lines of me "using" her for childcare. This is quite laughable in a lot of ways as it's literally 1 hour here or there when she visits and my ILs do a lot of the childcare for us during the week in terms of school pick-ups and have never once complained.

She wants to visit her grandchildren but appears to resent any time alone with them despite saying she doesn't mind.

I like spending time with DM but can't get away from the busy nature of our weekends. We can't visit DM at her house either as she has moved in with a friend so there is nowhere for us to stay and there are no affordable hotels nearby either. I've explained to her that she will be alone with DCs for 2 hours this weekend as I have so much housework to do before we all return to school and work next week, but I feel so guilty for asking her and I can tell she feels "used." I will be spending time with her myself and cooking for her, but I can't dedicate my entire weekend to her visits. If I suggested she didn't see the DCs whilst I was busy, she'd be offended at that too so I'm not quite sure what she's expecting of me here?

OP posts:

Advicewouldbeappreciated · 29/08/2020 10:36

She isnt their carer
She wants to spend time with you all not babysit while you clean
It really isnt her responsibility to do that. It does sound like you expect both seta of grandparents to care a lot for your children but they have done their bit raising theirs.
It is different to take them for an icecream or something but just being left in the house while you work sounds rubbish to be honest
Can you make any time so she can just come for a few hours to spend time with your family? She must feel she is only worth something to you if she is a childminder

EconomyFrog · 29/08/2020 10:39

It's not a huge ask you are making of her, how odd that she doesn't want to spend time with them alone, are they difficult in any way?

LookAtTheCahhOlivahhhhh · 29/08/2020 10:39

Go and visit her for that hour, with the children. She wants to see you and them.

Grrretel · 29/08/2020 10:40

I guess you can give her the choice - “this weekend is quite busy, I need to do x & y between 10am and 2pm - you can either come now and spend time with the kids or come in two weeks when I’ll be free”?

Backtoschoolnotsoonenough · 29/08/2020 10:43

Surely she would be just as offended if you took none activity dc to drop dc at an activity and didn't trust them left home with her..

Original poster

Sourdo · 29/08/2020 10:45

They aren't difficult at all.
She recently separated from her partner and she says she struggles with him not being a part of the time she spends with them. He wasn't their paternal grandfather.

No it isn't her responsibility to take care of them @Advicewouldbeappreciated you are right.
But, I can't get away from my commitments. They would usually have to play in another room whilst I work or DH would take them out, but she WANTS to see them hence why she ends up 'taking care' of them whilst I'm busy.

OP posts:

Sunshineandsparkle · 29/08/2020 10:47

It isn’t a big ask of her to help for a few hours over a whole weekend. Families help each other and she’s your mum. Just like when she’s older and needs help, I’d like to think you’ll help too. It’s just part and parcel of being a family and enjoying each other’s company.
My parents live a few hours away and when they’re over for the weekend, we get to go out for a date night, take some time to ourselves etc. They remember how hard it is with young children so are happy to help as it’s once in a while.

@Advicewouldbeappreciated I actually feel quite sorry for you. Nobody from a close family would have an attitude like that. I hope you have a good circle of friends.

RedRumTheHorse · 29/08/2020 10:48

OP your DM doesn't want to babysit her grandchildren. She wants you to parent them while she sees them and you.

I suggest you find another parent/close friend to help you out.

Then if your mother wants to visit she should be given the choice to tag along while not being their sole carer.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 10:48

Sounds like you can't do anything right.
How exhausting.
If seeing her grandkids on her own for an hour is too much, tell her not to bother.
All this while you're looking after her in your house?

Advicewouldbeappreciated · 29/08/2020 10:54

@Sunshineandsparkle

It isn’t a big ask of her to help for a few hours over a whole weekend. Families help each other and she’s your mum. Just like when she’s older and needs help, I’d like to think you’ll help too. It’s just part and parcel of being a family and enjoying each other’s company. My parents live a few hours away and when they’re over for the weekend, we get to go out for a date night, take some time to ourselves etc. They remember how hard it is with young children so are happy to help as it’s once in a while.

@Advicewouldbeappreciated I actually feel quite sorry for you. Nobody from a close family would have an attitude like that. I hope you have a good circle of friends.

The mother has split up with her partner. It is natural she wants to see her daughter. It is only every 3-5 weeks is it really so hard to give her a day? Who is caring for her when she is likely lonely? Looking after little kids is hard If a family member expected it of me I would do it because I have to help them but I wouldn't want to. It isnt enjoyable when they are little. What is enjoyable is joining in to a family without having to make it worth it for them Attitudes like this are embedded in 'our own little family' where parents and grandparents are never wanted at Christmas or after a baby is born. To suggest op is having to 'look after' her mum isnt the same.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 10:56

Who is caring for her when she is lonely is not the responsibility of her daughter.
Her visits sound far too demanding and quite manipulative.
I would wonder the history of your relationship with your mother OP.

Advicewouldbeappreciated · 29/08/2020 10:57

Actually my mother died when I was a teenager so i dont have the expectations of family that others do. I would enjoy the visit for what it was-every 5 weeks

Advicewouldbeappreciated · 29/08/2020 10:58

And one day every 5 weeks is not ops responsibility no.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 10:59

But the Op isn't enjoying it. She would like her mothers support a bit more.
I think that is ok

Everysinglebloodytime · 29/08/2020 11:00

So she's coming to visit you but you have to carry on as if she wasn't visiting you because you're so busy?

What would you do with the kids if she weren't there?

I don't buy into this 'grandparents should want to look after their grandkids' belief or the perception that if they don't, you're not a close family. If I read it correctly, Mum has recently split from a partner and is living with a friend, wants to spend time with her own daughter. I genuinely can't see why that means she has to want to look after the grandkids.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 11:03

But she's not asking her to. She's asking for a bit of support at the busy weekend that can't suddenly stop because her mum decides to visit.
The OP said it was an hour
It's not a regular thing.
If your mum doesn't want to help for an hour max that says a lot about your relationship.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 11:05

It's hard juggling it all. Why make the OP feel guilty for having to juggle her mum too?

Bringmewineandcake · 29/08/2020 11:06

Where is your DH when your mum visits?

It sounds a bit off to me that you spend 2 hours doing housework during her once a month visit. Knowing she's coming, could you not do those 2 hours one evening before she arrives?
I think most people would be a bit put out if we went to spend the weekend and someone just carried on with their normal household chores.
I think a PP's suggestion that you offer her the choice of coming on a different weekend if you're busy is a good one.

LabradorGalore · 29/08/2020 11:06

I’d stop having her over at weekends. If you’re already working and have childcare commitments it’s not really appropriate to visit and she’s just an extra burden to entertain. So don’t.

Also look into weekend classes for the DC’s so you can get the work done more easily. Having been that working parent I really sympathise with you - so these are only helpful suggestions.

Sunshineandsparkle · 29/08/2020 11:07

@Advicewouldbeappreciated I do agree that all parents deserve their children’s time without the expectation of having to give something in return.

However, if the Op has to work, catch up with housework (as most working mums do if they’re busy in the week) or take the dc to activities, her mum needs to have some sort of understanding. Setting aside a day is fine but a whole weekend when you have dc is difficult as there is always something that needs to be done.

You say that it is enjoyable joining in to a family, but part of that is joining in to family life. It won’t always be like that but for now it is. I wouldn’t say that Op is looking after her mum now, but she may well do in the future. How would her mum feel if she needed help round the house, her shopping done or a lift to medical appointments if the Op then had the attitude “I’ve just come to spend time with you mum, I’m not here to do jobs for you”. IMO, it’s the same thing.

Aerial2020 · 29/08/2020 11:08

@LabradorGalore

I’d stop having her over at weekends. If you’re already working and have childcare commitments it’s not really appropriate to visit and she’s just an extra burden to entertain. So don’t.

Also look into weekend classes for the DC’s so you can get the work done more easily. Having been that working parent I really sympathise with you - so these are only helpful suggestions.

This. It is hard enough being a parent without carrying extra guilt that is not needed.

Keysunshine · 29/08/2020 11:08

So who would look after the DC for that hour/two hours if your mother wasn’t visiting that weekend?

Original poster

Sourdo · 29/08/2020 11:11

Thank you @Aerial2020 for supporting me in this thread.

It is literally 1-2 hours.
I spend probably up to around 8-10 hours with DM during her visits because as I said, I quite like them too. I cook for her and we sit around the table, we go for walks, have nice chats, but I still have a lot to do some weekends. I can't alter my work demands. Also, we only returned from holiday yesterday and we have piles of washing too. DH and I never ask of her for date nights or anything like that, just an hour or two to get things done.
It saddens me that she resents it. I think it's very normal for parents to support adult-parents with young children too,but I'm not asking an awful lot at all.

OP posts:

Grrretel · 29/08/2020 11:11

@Keysunshine

So who would look after the DC for that hour/two hours if your mother wasn’t visiting that weekend?

OP says They would usually have to play in another room whilst I work or DH would take them out, but she WANTS to see them hence why she ends up 'taking care' of them whilst I'm busy.

titchy · 29/08/2020 11:11

If she visits once a month I think a bit of compromise from both of you would be in order. Every other month you drop housework/work/kids activities and make an effort to spend time with your mum for the whole weekend. And the other weekend she accepts that the kids have activities and you work weekends (ditch the housework though - or delegate to dh). Could your dh take them out for the day and she go along too?

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