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Original poster

Where to go from here regarding my Son's mum?

127 replies

malgrat78 · 28/08/2020 18:51

I am back once again asking for your advice & guidance.

As some of you will be aware I have been posting on Mumsnet asking for advice for some time now regarding my now 13 year old Son & the difficult situation he has been in regarding his mother. She started a relationship in the first half of last year with a drug addict & she moved him in. My Son felt very uncomfortable there & I also received a call from Social Services regarding concerns for his welfare as well as concerns from his mum's neighbours & family. At that point my Son was staying with me 2 nights per week & due to my concerns & the wishes of my Son I eventually moved him in with me full time. After this happened I heard all sorts of things about his mum begging, staling, selling things etc. All my sons stuff was sold including some of his beloved PS4 games. The guy even sold his own dog. It was clear that they were both in some form of addiction which i suspect was Heroin & crack cocaine as my son's mum admitted that her boyfriend was on a methadone treatment plan which I did eventually learn he quit.

My sons mum would phone him all the time with horrendous guilt trips & emotional blackmail tactics to try & get him to go back. I offered her meditation which she refused & eventually my Son decided to block her number which I allowed after we discussed it at length.

I am in contact with her older Daughter, my step daughter who a few months ago asked if her mum could write a letter to my Son. I asked my son if he wanted any contact from his mum & he still maintained no so I relayed this to his big sister. His mum then managed to leave a voice mail on my sons phone some how & it was very emotional but at the same time manipulative. With my sons agreement I put a pin on his voicemail so that I could listen to his voicemails but he couldn't. Since then she had not left any voice messages.

I have had contact with a counselling service who suspended all meetings due to Covid but they are hoping to recommence very soon.

Last week a major development has happened. For what ever reason my sons mum has left her home city & moved 80 miles away to apparently live with her elderly mother. His mum has given up everything, the brand new 2 bed house she recently moved into, household items etc. I am not sure of the reason but I know there were people in the area not very happy with her & her boyfriend due to stealing. The now ex boyfriend appears to have a new girlfriend. So, things are looking up with respect to my sons mum getting away from this guy.

Last week my step daughter again asked if my sons mum could write to him. She said she had spoken with her mum who appears oblivious to the damage she has done & is full of self pity. I said she can write a letter but I would prefer it to go to her daughter first so I can at least read it before I decide what to do.

Today my sons grandma has messaged me telling me that his mum is now living down there & she is all sorted & something had to be done to get her away from the guy. She said his mum has written my son a letter it's not much nothing nasty just saying she is sorry for how she treated him. She said she is sending it to my address as she doesn't want to mess about sending it all over the place & so I can read it. She finished the message off with "please accept the note you probably wont let him read it he's been through a lot but everyone makes mistakes, don't they" She does say that his mum does know he wont ever live with her again & it will take time. I just replied saying I hope she does well & I will talk to the counsellor about the letter before I let him read it. She replied saying that its not a letter just a note & she has explained to her daughter what she should expect.

I am in a position now that I am unsure what to do. I have to be mindful that although his mum is over there it's only been a week & if she was on class A drugs which I highly suspect she was then there's a good chance her addiction is going to creep back up on her if she isn't getting any help. Do I tell my son his mum has split up with the boyfriend & moved away? Will this further his abandonment issues that he is probably feeling. Do I let him read this letter / note, however this will depend on the content when I read it. It's very worrying that a woman of 51 years of age let herself get into this position in the first place & has had to give up everything but her own mother appears to believe it was just a mistake & the main reason was the ex boyfriend. I am concerned that any contact with his mum is going to be tinged with self pity, emotional blackmail etc that may effect my son or push him to make decisions based on how his mum is trying to make him feel.

I would absolutely love for my son to have a relationship with his mother again but it has to be an healthy one & I don't think this would be the case at the moment as she appears not to be able to accept any responsibility & I believe she needs to concentrate on her own mental health.

Could I please have any suggestions on how to proceed? Should I wait for the counselling session or sit him down now & explain the situation? He is a very mature intelligent young man who is firm in his decisions but he is only 13 at the end of the day. He talks about his mum now & again but is always saying that he wants nothing to do with her which I can understand. I make sure to explain to him that none of this is his fault & his mum is not in a good place but it's not his making.

I look forward to your replies & thanks to everyone who has helped so far as I do not have many people that I can ask for advice.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/08/2020 18:57

I'd wait for the next counseling session.

I think she needs a good period of stability and needs to do little things over a period of time...like remembering his birthday and Christmas.

She needs to prove she is clean and take things very slowly.

PicaK · 28/08/2020 19:00

I feel terribly unqualified to offer advice. Can you get advice - phone call to social services? school - to get front door or whoever involved? I've found them so helpful and supportive. It's a lot to handle on your own.
Although obviously their focus will be on supporting your son by helping you.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 28/08/2020 19:12

@PicaK

I feel terribly unqualified to offer advice. Can you get advice - phone call to social services? school - to get front door or whoever involved? I've found them so helpful and supportive. It's a lot to handle on your own. Although obviously their focus will be on supporting your son by helping you.
When I spoke to social services before they basically closed the case when I moved him into mine. There is a service called family lives who I'm going to contact next week.
OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 28/08/2020 19:17

I'd be keeping as far away from my don as possible. I'd also probably refuse the note. Maybe in a year or do if she is still clean then I'd consider phasing in contact again if it was what my son wanted.

But it's a bit convenient that she is all of a sudden sorry about what a total shit she has been. Seems more like more manipulation rather than remorse.

Also wouldn't be surprised if she robs her mum and moves right back in with the ex in a few months again.

Nope, no way would I even bring her up to my son rn. Discuss it with the councillor. Your kid sounds like a really mature little fellow. Don't stir things up again for him. Not for the time being anyway.

Palavah · 28/08/2020 19:17

I don't think it's your choice to tell him about it or not.

Bunnymumy · 28/08/2020 19:17

*keeping her as far away from my son

ifchocolatewerecelery · 28/08/2020 19:19

There are lots of variables in terms of what the letter/note could actually contain so any decisions needs to be made once you've read it. The most important thing is your son. You need to balance his needs now against how he will feel in the future if he thinks that you have not been honest with him when I comes to his mother. If you aren't doing it already, I'd recommend keeping notes of conversations you have with other family members for future reference.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 28/08/2020 19:24

@ifchocolatewerecelery

There are lots of variables in terms of what the letter/note could actually contain so any decisions needs to be made once you've read it. The most important thing is your son. You need to balance his needs now against how he will feel in the future if he thinks that you have not been honest with him when I comes to his mother. If you aren't doing it already, I'd recommend keeping notes of conversations you have with other family members for future reference.
Yes I think I should wait until I receive the letter first before i decide anything and as you say I don't want him feeling I've held things from him but I also want to protect him at the same time.
OP posts:
Original poster
malgrat78 · 28/08/2020 19:25

@Palavah

I don't think it's your choice to tell him about it or not.
Can you please expand on this?
OP posts:
Original poster
malgrat78 · 28/08/2020 19:54

@Bunnymumy

I'd be keeping as far away from my don as possible. I'd also probably refuse the note. Maybe in a year or do if she is still clean then I'd consider phasing in contact again if it was what my son wanted.

But it's a bit convenient that she is all of a sudden sorry about what a total shit she has been. Seems more like more manipulation rather than remorse.

Also wouldn't be surprised if she robs her mum and moves right back in with the ex in a few months again.

Nope, no way would I even bring her up to my son rn. Discuss it with the councillor. Your kid sounds like a really mature little fellow. Don't stir things up again for him. Not for the time being anyway.

You have a point now that she's lost everything she is sorry. Think the best thing is to receive the letter first as you say and discuss it with his councillor or another professional. This is getting a bit much for me now to be honest.
OP posts:
carly2803 · 28/08/2020 20:10

@Bunnymumy

I'd be keeping as far away from my don as possible. I'd also probably refuse the note. Maybe in a year or do if she is still clean then I'd consider phasing in contact again if it was what my son wanted.

But it's a bit convenient that she is all of a sudden sorry about what a total shit she has been. Seems more like more manipulation rather than remorse.

Also wouldn't be surprised if she robs her mum and moves right back in with the ex in a few months again.

Nope, no way would I even bring her up to my son rn. Discuss it with the councillor. Your kid sounds like a really mature little fellow. Don't stir things up again for him. Not for the time being anyway.

THIS.

i remember your post. I would agree with this poster. give it a year - if she is clean, then explain to your son

you are an excellent father to your son OP

Willow4987 · 28/08/2020 20:16

If it was me in this situation, I’d read the note first and then discuss it with the counsellor

I’d also probably not let him see the note until you’re sure his mum is stable in case he wants to contact her

Wifeofbikerviking · 28/08/2020 20:35

I think it's too soon to accept contact in even written form. Your son has requested you protect her from contact via phone so I'd assume it this way too.
I've read your other threads, huge respect to you in wanting to give them the chance of a relationship.
At this time I'd put some sort of terms in place
Such as 6 month of clear regular drugs tests. Then you will accept letters. See how that goes and how your son feels about it then move to phone calls

Wifeofbikerviking · 28/08/2020 20:36

*protect him
Sorry I'm a bit tired typing

netflixismysidehustle · 28/08/2020 20:56

I have no experience or professional knowledge btw.

I would wait for some time (say 3 or 6 months) to see if she can remain clean before considering showing this note to my son.

I'd also consider contacting an organization like Narcotics Anonymous and get their advice on how long a mum should be clean before you consider trusting her with your son's heart and maybe get some advice on how you can trust her to look after your son even if it's for short periods) I know that there are organizations for the family of alcoholics like AlAnon and maybe there's a narcotics equivalent? Encouraging your son to trust his mum too soon will damage your relationship with him and he needs stability. Christmas will be a good test of whether someone can stay clean.

minnieok · 28/08/2020 21:17

He's 13, I think he deserves to be told his mum has written a note, but he also can choose to ignore. It's very difficult but he's close to adulthood and can make choices for himself

Original poster
malgrat78 · 28/08/2020 21:23

@minnieok

He's 13, I think he deserves to be told his mum has written a note, but he also can choose to ignore. It's very difficult but he's close to adulthood and can make choices for himself
Even if the note is showing signs of emotional blackmail as I suspect it maybe from past experience?
OP posts:
Disfordarkchocolate · 28/08/2020 21:24

Having followed several of you desperately sad threads I don't think your son could cope with seeing any note.

I think he needs to know she has moved though. There is too much of a chance he will find out from someone else. Also, if you tell him in a month or two he may be angry you didn't tell him. He's a teenager who has had a very difficult few years, he needs you to be honest with him because even if logically he can understand your reasons for not telling him it doesn't mean he won't feel lied to.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 28/08/2020 21:26

@Willow4987

If it was me in this situation, I’d read the note first and then discuss it with the counsellor

I’d also probably not let him see the note until you’re sure his mum is stable in case he wants to contact her

Yeah I shall definitely read the note first & I may let someone else who I trust read it for their opinion as well as the counsellor. Your second point is what I am afraid of. If he reads it and decides to contact her & she isn't clean then there's a chance he may get hurt again which I obviously do not want to happen.
OP posts:
Original poster
malgrat78 · 28/08/2020 21:29

@Disfordarkchocolate

Having followed several of you desperately sad threads I don't think your son could cope with seeing any note.

I think he needs to know she has moved though. There is too much of a chance he will find out from someone else. Also, if you tell him in a month or two he may be angry you didn't tell him. He's a teenager who has had a very difficult few years, he needs you to be honest with him because even if logically he can understand your reasons for not telling him it doesn't mean he won't feel lied to.

I know he wouldn't cope. He would feel as if he had to speak to her. It would be too much weight on his shoulders. I think as you say I am going to tell him that she has moved as he speaks to his cousins so there's a good chance he will find out & I would rather sit him down & tell him myself.
OP posts:
Byallmeans · 28/08/2020 21:33

I had a similar relationship with my mum and I wish my father and grandparents sheilded me more from it tbh. I’d seen and experienced way too much for a child and I shouldn’t have had to deal with adult situations. My mother used to ring me from mental health wards wanting to speak to me and at 14, telling me all her problems. I just didn’t know how to deal with it properly. Outwardly it probably looked like I was taking it all in my stride but it had such an impact on my early adult life. At 12/13 I knew that my step dad and mother were having physical fights and stabbing each other and being arrested. They both had a drinking problem and my step dad got arrested for drink driving, my mother tried fighting the police and they both ended up in a cell for a night and my younger half brother was out in to care for two days. I’d lie in bed trying to process it, put it too the back of my mind but it effected my friendships and school work. I could list so many things that I was privy too and really I shouldn’t have had to deal with it.

So no I wouldn’t tell him there has been another request of contact. He’s told you he isn’t ready so protect him from it.

Some parents steal children’s childhoods. It’s not fair. Let him find some peace.

Original poster
malgrat78 · 28/08/2020 23:39

@Byallmeans

I had a similar relationship with my mum and I wish my father and grandparents sheilded me more from it tbh. I’d seen and experienced way too much for a child and I shouldn’t have had to deal with adult situations. My mother used to ring me from mental health wards wanting to speak to me and at 14, telling me all her problems. I just didn’t know how to deal with it properly. Outwardly it probably looked like I was taking it all in my stride but it had such an impact on my early adult life. At 12/13 I knew that my step dad and mother were having physical fights and stabbing each other and being arrested. They both had a drinking problem and my step dad got arrested for drink driving, my mother tried fighting the police and they both ended up in a cell for a night and my younger half brother was out in to care for two days. I’d lie in bed trying to process it, put it too the back of my mind but it effected my friendships and school work. I could list so many things that I was privy too and really I shouldn’t have had to deal with it.

So no I wouldn’t tell him there has been another request of contact. He’s told you he isn’t ready so protect him from it.

Some parents steal children’s childhoods. It’s not fair. Let him find some peace.

I am really sorry for what you witnessed & went through as a child & thank you for been so open. You have given me a good perspective on things so thanks.

I have only touched on the things my son has been through. For many years i have been concerned for various reasons. I am quite sure that his mum has been using recreational drugs on a weekend for some time & my son would notice the difference in her & ask me why his mum was acting weird as he called it up until mid week. This would often lead to him missing school on a Monday & Tuesday when he was perfectly fine but his mum didn't want to get up & take him. There was a cannabis grow in the loft of the house at one point which I was inadvertently paying the electricity bill for as it was part of the maintenance agreement. There was a lot of dishonesty from his mum which my son started to see as well as threats of suicide in front of him. His mum has had various relationships & almost everyone has been with someone with a drink or drug habit. There is a lot of dysfunctional behavior within the family to be honest.

He was still sleeping in his mothers bed at 12 years old & had a bottle to the age of 10. I could only advise his mum & make sure I tried to do the correct things when he was with me so as you can imagine I have had concerns for a very long time & this most recent issue is only the tip of the iceberg.

We have a great relationship & his attendance at school increased from around 70% to 100% once he moved in with me. He is just generally a more confident happy lad & I do not want this to change. I also would like him to have a good relationship with his mum at some point but I am afraid at the moment I do believe any contact would put his development back & effect his mental / emotional health.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 29/08/2020 07:47

I think first and foremost you need to tell his Grandma that she doesn't get to decide what happens and when. How dare she tell you that she's sending the note and that "she's told her daughter what to expect". That is not her call to make.

I would make sure you intercept all mail as it sounds like this letter/note is going to come addressed to your son without any warning. Granny needs to realise that her daughter should never be sprung on your son without warning like that. That's both unfair and cruel.

I would tell him that she has moved so that he doesn't hear it from anyone else and keep the dialogue going between you, but he doesn't need to know that after one week of change Granny thinks he should read his mother's note.

lyralalala · 29/08/2020 07:48

The only caveat to that would be if any of that side of the family are likely to tell him that there was a note, then you do have to tell him as he needs to hear things from you at an appropriate time rather than thrown at him

ChickensMightFly · 29/08/2020 08:10

I would have a conversation song the lines of, the bad things he has been through do not belong in anyone's childhood so now he is in a place of safety where he is loved you will be his strong arms and he does not need to fear. As part of that you will make sure that none of the chaos can leak through into his safe place, as such you will redirect his wishes, guide him and his mother Mary our may not be part of his life in future if she is capable of doing it without harm.
Previous pp who said you don't get to decide is wrong I believe, it is your decision because it is your role as the stable parent to protect him from damage.
You don't need to show him the letter now, you can satisfy granny by saying the letter is received but in safe keeping to share when the circumstances demonstrate it is safe.
So assuming the letter is honest and not full of emotional blackmail put it in a safe place, then as time goes by if your son sees an improvement in his mum and feels strong enough he could choose to see what she had to say at this point in time. The impact of the letter will be different depending on the context of that future time. If she had kept her promises of staying clean it will confirm her love for him at a time of turmoil in her life and be a nice thing for him to have. If she stays from the path it will show him her best intentions weren't enough, but older future him will be better able to understand that and deal with how it makes him feel as it will be a known outcome rather than a letter that fills him with false hope which may or may not be crushed yet again.

Sorry probably very waffly, typing on phone doesn't make for good edit

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