Where to go from here regarding my Son's mum?

[malgrat78]

I am back once again asking for your advice & guidance.

As some of you will be aware I have been posting on Mumsnet asking for advice for some time now regarding my now 13 year old Son & the difficult situation he has been in regarding his mother. She started a relationship in the first half of last year with a drug addict & she moved him in. My Son felt very uncomfortable there & I also received a call from Social Services regarding concerns for his welfare as well as concerns from his mum's neighbours & family. At that point my Son was staying with me 2 nights per week & due to my concerns & the wishes of my Son I eventually moved him in with me full time. After this happened I heard all sorts of things about his mum begging, staling, selling things etc. All my sons stuff was sold including some of his beloved PS4 games. The guy even sold his own dog. It was clear that they were both in some form of addiction which i suspect was Heroin & crack cocaine as my son's mum admitted that her boyfriend was on a methadone treatment plan which I did eventually learn he quit.

My sons mum would phone him all the time with horrendous guilt trips & emotional blackmail tactics to try & get him to go back. I offered her meditation which she refused & eventually my Son decided to block her number which I allowed after we discussed it at length.

I am in contact with her older Daughter, my step daughter who a few months ago asked if her mum could write a letter to my Son. I asked my son if he wanted any contact from his mum & he still maintained no so I relayed this to his big sister. His mum then managed to leave a voice mail on my sons phone some how & it was very emotional but at the same time manipulative. With my sons agreement I put a pin on his voicemail so that I could listen to his voicemails but he couldn't. Since then she had not left any voice messages.

I have had contact with a counselling service who suspended all meetings due to Covid but they are hoping to recommence very soon.

Last week a major development has happened. For what ever reason my sons mum has left her home city & moved 80 miles away to apparently live with her elderly mother. His mum has given up everything, the brand new 2 bed house she recently moved into, household items etc. I am not sure of the reason but I know there were people in the area not very happy with her & her boyfriend due to stealing. The now ex boyfriend appears to have a new girlfriend. So, things are looking up with respect to my sons mum getting away from this guy.

Last week my step daughter again asked if my sons mum could write to him. She said she had spoken with her mum who appears oblivious to the damage she has done & is full of self pity. I said she can write a letter but I would prefer it to go to her daughter first so I can at least read it before I decide what to do.

Today my sons grandma has messaged me telling me that his mum is now living down there & she is all sorted & something had to be done to get her away from the guy. She said his mum has written my son a letter it's not much nothing nasty just saying she is sorry for how she treated him. She said she is sending it to my address as she doesn't want to mess about sending it all over the place & so I can read it. She finished the message off with "please accept the note you probably wont let him read it he's been through a lot but everyone makes mistakes, don't they" She does say that his mum does know he wont ever live with her again & it will take time. I just replied saying I hope she does well & I will talk to the counsellor about the letter before I let him read it. She replied saying that its not a letter just a note & she has explained to her daughter what she should expect.

I am in a position now that I am unsure what to do. I have to be mindful that although his mum is over there it's only been a week & if she was on class A drugs which I highly suspect she was then there's a good chance her addiction is going to creep back up on her if she isn't getting any help. Do I tell my son his mum has split up with the boyfriend & moved away? Will this further his abandonment issues that he is probably feeling. Do I let him read this letter / note, however this will depend on the content when I read it. It's very worrying that a woman of 51 years of age let herself get into this position in the first place & has had to give up everything but her own mother appears to believe it was just a mistake & the main reason was the ex boyfriend. I am concerned that any contact with his mum is going to be tinged with self pity, emotional blackmail etc that may effect my son or push him to make decisions based on how his mum is trying to make him feel.

I would absolutely love for my son to have a relationship with his mother again but it has to be an healthy one & I don't think this would be the case at the moment as she appears not to be able to accept any responsibility & I believe she needs to concentrate on her own mental health.

Could I please have any suggestions on how to proceed? Should I wait for the counselling session or sit him down now & explain the situation? He is a very mature intelligent young man who is firm in his decisions but he is only 13 at the end of the day. He talks about his mum now & again but is always saying that he wants nothing to do with her which I can understand. I make sure to explain to him that none of this is his fault & his mum is not in a good place but it's not his making.

I look forward to your replies & thanks to everyone who has helped so far as I do not have many people that I can ask for advice.

You sound like a superb parent, growing such a strong relationship with him. Others have made much more considered comments than I'd be able to but one thought on giving him the letter, is he going back to school next week/week after? I wonder if, if you do decide to show him the letter (tbh I'd speak to the Councillor about it first), maybe wait till he is settled back in school? It's going to take some getting used to, so perhaps it'd be good for him to focus on that first. Hope that makes sense, am super tired.

@Neighneigh

You sound like a superb parent, growing such a strong relationship with him. Others have made much more considered comments than I'd be able to but one thought on giving him the letter, is he going back to school next week/week after? I wonder if, if you do decide to show him the letter (tbh I'd speak to the Councillor about it first), maybe wait till he is settled back in school? It's going to take some getting used to, so perhaps it'd be good for him to focus on that first. Hope that makes sense, am super tired.

Thank you & makes perfect sense :)

Yeah he is back at School a week on Wednesday & this did cross my mind. I took the decision to tell him this afternoon that his Mum has gone to his Grandmas. I kept it minimal but honest. I basically told him that I didn't now much apart from what I had been told. He took it really well & didn't look surprised at all. At least he has heard it from me now the person he trusts & he knows he can talk to me about it. I have not mentioned the letter as of yet because I have not received it & I would like to read it first. Plus as you say I would rather get him settled in School first as it is going to be difficult for him & Children in general. They have had a vast amount of time off & spent the time with their parents so it's going to feel strange to them for a while.

For me it wouldn't matter what the note contained, according to the stepdaughter she still isn't taking responsibility, is woe is me not woe the shit I've caused my son. Has been 'clean' if she even is, for a week, and suddenly wants everything. There needs to be proof of change, not juts a change of location. Is she seeing a GP regarding cravings? Any involvement in groups such as AA? She doesn't get to juts float in and disrupt his life after a week, and the fact that she wants to shows that she's still inherently selfish, and thinking about her, and not him.

@SD1978

For me it wouldn't matter what the note contained, according to the stepdaughter she still isn't taking responsibility, is woe is me not woe the shit I've caused my son. Has been 'clean' if she even is, for a week, and suddenly wants everything. There needs to be proof of change, not juts a change of location. Is she seeing a GP regarding cravings? Any involvement in groups such as AA? She doesn't get to juts float in and disrupt his life after a week, and the fact that she wants to shows that she's still inherently selfish, and thinking about her, and not him.

This is what concerns me. My step daughter tells me that when she speaks to her mum she tends to get slightly angry with her which is understandable and her mum says "what's the matter". My step daughter has to repeatedly explain to her mum what her actions have caused and all she gets back is self pity and avoidance of any responsibility. The grandma is adamant that the ex boyfriend was to blame probably due to what my ex has told her.

When my son's mum used to contact him via his mobile not once did she ask how he was it was always crying down the phone saying she misses him and how she loves him so much. This is why he wanted to block her because each phone call upset him.

I cannot be sure but I highly doubt she will be in form of recovery program given that she is in denial. This is what frightens me as any contact with my son is likely going to be exactly the same as before.

Was she on any kind of methadone programme before she left, and if so would that support have stopped?

Does your son have direct contact with his grandma or stepsister? Are they likely to be supportive or a hindrance?

It could be that getting away from the drug filled environment is enough to help her get clean since she won't have associations of drug use where she is now. It is of course entirely possible that she will fall into addiction again. You are doing the right thing by keeping your son away from contact from her.

"What I do struggle with is making decisions or at least been confident that I have made the right decision & thats where these boards are invaluable. I have had some really good advice on here which I will be eternally grateful for. I do not have a massive circle of friends but I am trying to increase this & push myself out of my comfort zone & ask for help or just someone to listen to me as it helps enormously."

Really glad you have found a place to get what you need, it can be a lonely old road doing the big stuff (moulding a half decent grown up person) solo.
Fwiw your description of your thought processes and his comments and the state of your relationship all seem to point to a job being very well done to me. (Not that I have any qualifications but y'know, one human to another).
Hope you have a good day today.

@malgrat78 I've seen some of your threads before and you are an amazing father and it's great to hear your DS is thriving.

Although the DGM and DSD may mean well, I wouldn't allow any pressure to be put on yourself or DS regarding contact or letters at this early stage. My DF was and still is a heavy alcoholic and we would be encouraged to get in contact because they had changed/were trying and it really boiled down to the people supporting feeling overloaded and guilt-tripped into pushing on their behalf because they were fed up of hearing about it and being a go-between. Your DS has said what his boundaries are atm, he is rebuilding his life and he is still a child, 13 is not nearly an adult like a PP suggested.

I would have a chat with his counsellor but would proceed with caution as one note of remorse to open contact can quickly develop into old patterns of behaviour and your DS needs to be a 13 yo CHILD, not a 13 yo ADULT being responsible for a grown woman's feelings and addictions .

He is starting back at school. He does not need that letter.

Your son is lucky to have you. I had a mother who was unstable (though sober) and an addict father though I had an excellent step dad.
I think it’s great that you have counselling and are thoroughly considering the impact of everything on your son. Please remember that at age 13 we are extremely impressionable and I don’t think unsupervised contact with his mother will be a good thing in the state she is in. I speak from experience here.
I think your son will come out of this ok as he has a dad who acknowledges his feelings and protects him in a considered way.

@Gingerkittykat

Was she on any kind of methadone programme before she left, and if so would that support have stopped?

Does your son have direct contact with his grandma or stepsister? Are they likely to be supportive or a hindrance?

It could be that getting away from the drug filled environment is enough to help her get clean since she won't have associations of drug use where she is now. It is of course entirely possible that she will fall into addiction again. You are doing the right thing by keeping your son away from contact from her.

The issue is that she has denied any drug use so I am quite sure she is not receiving any help at all if she is unable to admit any problem.

My son refuses to talk to his grandma because he feels a lot of pressure from her & she is always taking his mum's side. He loves his big sister & she is supportive however I think she feels like she is stuck in the middle sometimes. She did say to me a few months bac that if she has her own children she wouldn't allow them around her mum so that says a lot.

Getting away from the drug filled environment will help but she is still going tp be left with mental health issues that she has struggled with for many years. I tried getting her into counselling last year but she refused my help.

@ChickensMightFly

"What I do struggle with is making decisions or at least been confident that I have made the right decision & thats where these boards are invaluable. I have had some really good advice on here which I will be eternally grateful for. I do not have a massive circle of friends but I am trying to increase this & push myself out of my comfort zone & ask for help or just someone to listen to me as it helps enormously."

Really glad you have found a place to get what you need, it can be a lonely old road doing the big stuff (moulding a half decent grown up person) solo.
Fwiw your description of your thought processes and his comments and the state of your relationship all seem to point to a job being very well done to me. (Not that I have any qualifications but y'know, one human to another).
Hope you have a good day today.

Thank you :)

[quote JustMeUnderaTree]@malgrat78 I've seen some of your threads before and you are an amazing father and it's great to hear your DS is thriving.

Although the DGM and DSD may mean well, I wouldn't allow any pressure to be put on yourself or DS regarding contact or letters at this early stage. My DF was and still is a heavy alcoholic and we would be encouraged to get in contact because they had changed/were trying and it really boiled down to the people supporting feeling overloaded and guilt-tripped into pushing on their behalf because they were fed up of hearing about it and being a go-between. Your DS has said what his boundaries are atm, he is rebuilding his life and he is still a child, 13 is not nearly an adult like a PP suggested.

I would have a chat with his counsellor but would proceed with caution as one note of remorse to open contact can quickly develop into old patterns of behaviour and your DS needs to be a 13 yo CHILD, not a 13 yo ADULT being responsible for a grown woman's feelings and addictions .[/quote]
Thank you :)

Yes I believe 100% that the grandma is basically fed up of hearing my sons mum's problems. I think this is why she is slightly pressurizing me. As I have previously said theres a lot of toxic behavior within the family & I believe my ex is carrying a lot of issues from her childhood due to the grandma. I heard some horrendous stories about what used to go in within the family. My ex was basically left to look after her many brothers & sisters when she was really young. There were stories of been locked in coal cellars & other really horrible things & this is why I tend not to listen to the grandma.

Just half an hour a go I have been asked for my address for this letter by the grandma.

@Byallmeans

He is starting back at school. He does not need that letter.

Apparently the letter is getting sent to me tomorrow with my name on it. I have decided not to give him it at the moment mainly because as you say he is starting School next week & he doesn't need the pressure or upset. I keep reminding myself that I will decide what is best for my son & not the Grandma who appears to believe that everyone makes mistakes therefore should be given a chance. Yes I agree to some extent but not after a couple of weeks & not until I am confident that it is in my Sons best interests.

@Lightline

Your son is lucky to have you. I had a mother who was unstable (though sober) and an addict father though I had an excellent step dad. I think it’s great that you have counselling and are thoroughly considering the impact of everything on your son. Please remember that at age 13 we are extremely impressionable and I don’t think unsupervised contact with his mother will be a good thing in the state she is in. I speak from experience here. I think your son will come out of this ok as he has a dad who acknowledges his feelings and protects him in a considered way.

Thank you :)

OP I've seen your threads before and it sounds like you're doing a great job.

I think you did the right thing telling him - at this point he does sound like he does still want this info. He just doesn't want to have to deal with her himself. Which is perfectly reasonable.

See what the letter says but my instinct says that in the very very unlikely event it is a "nice" letter, it still wouldn't be a good idea to give it to him. As others have said, you need to see consistent and reliable change and one letter does not count

However, I think you'l find that the letter is not going to even slightly set your mind at rest. I know that addicts in this situation have a victim mentality AND refuse to take responsibility for anything that happens to them or that they do. My, admittedly limited, personal experience also tells me that even when they are clean, this type of mindset doesn't seem to go away (I read some interesting research on the sort of chicken and egg of this - eg people with victim mentality/inability to take responsibility then become addicts or does the addiction cause this.) Which means that long after she does finally (if she does) get clean, you're likely to have to continue to protect him.

There is an organisation for the families of drug addicts. Here www.nar-anon.co.uk/
Might be worth getting in touch.
It sounds like you're doing a great job. Someone said your son was almost an adult and should be allowed to choose himself. I strongly disagree. 13 is still a child and he needs you to protect him. Which you are doing.

@SpaceOP

OP I've seen your threads before and it sounds like you're doing a great job.

I think you did the right thing telling him - at this point he does sound like he does still want this info. He just doesn't want to have to deal with her himself. Which is perfectly reasonable.

See what the letter says but my instinct says that in the very very unlikely event it is a "nice" letter, it still wouldn't be a good idea to give it to him. As others have said, you need to see consistent and reliable change and one letter does not count

However, I think you'l find that the letter is not going to even slightly set your mind at rest. I know that addicts in this situation have a victim mentality AND refuse to take responsibility for anything that happens to them or that they do. My, admittedly limited, personal experience also tells me that even when they are clean, this type of mindset doesn't seem to go away (I read some interesting research on the sort of chicken and egg of this - eg people with victim mentality/inability to take responsibility then become addicts or does the addiction cause this.) Which means that long after she does finally (if she does) get clean, you're likely to have to continue to protect him.

Thank you :)

Yeah you are exactly right, I think he likes to be kept informed but he just doesn't want the weight on his shoulders & have to decide things that a child shouldn't have to.

From what I can gather his mum definitely has a victim mentality & what worries me is that the grandma looks like she also believes all the problems were down to the addict ex boyfriend. However, I believe my ex has some really deep issue which is apparent by what has happened. She started a relationship with a known drug addict & moved him in after a matter of a few weeks to be around our son when she hardly knew anything about him. In my opinion this shows that there are some issues that need addressing about why she believed this was appropriate. She had a chance to change things when Social services got involved but she didn't & continued with the same behavior.

The letter should be here soon & I will read it but I am of the opinion that I do not believe it is appropriate to give him it yet especially as he starts school next week & his mum as only been away for a couple of weeks.

@Prettybluepigeons

There is an organisation for the families of drug addicts. Here www.nar-anon.co.uk/ Might be worth getting in touch. It sounds like you're doing a great job. Someone said your son was almost an adult and should be allowed to choose himself. I strongly disagree. 13 is still a child and he needs you to protect him. Which you are doing.

Thank you for that & yes 13 is still a child. So far he is adamant that he wants no contact from his mum so I will honor his wishes plus decide what is best for him.

Thank goodness your son has a good relationship with one good parent. Your role is to give him stability, and you seem to be doing your best on that front. I would let him settle back into school before mentioning his mother. Let her prove her changes ways for a prolonged period. Kids have had disruption generally with covid-19, let alone throwing in a dysfunctional parent. Keep up the counselling, and also look into therapeutic interventions (for example, where I live there is a farm that integrates outdoor working/ education days with counselling/ mindfulness). As you will know, addicts may mean well but can fall back down at any time. Therefore, the mother might return to the ex at some stage, pick up another loser boyfriend, develop new addictions, fall out with her relatives where she is now etc etc. Keep the letter for a time when there has been a clear track record of stability. There is no rush for decision making here. Your son is loved, protected and cared for in his daily needs...you are doing your job. In your shoes, I would be glad she has moved away and would hope it stays that way. You could suggest she uses the move to look at addiction and detox services locally. This shows that she is willing to change, and not just spill words that put her in a good light. Her intentions may be good, but addicts are addicts for life. You are doing a good job, and must continue to do so...13 is a tricky age of the start of the teens...good luck to you!

@scoobydoo1971

Thank goodness your son has a good relationship with one good parent. Your role is to give him stability, and you seem to be doing your best on that front. I would let him settle back into school before mentioning his mother. Let her prove her changes ways for a prolonged period. Kids have had disruption generally with covid-19, let alone throwing in a dysfunctional parent. Keep up the counselling, and also look into therapeutic interventions (for example, where I live there is a farm that integrates outdoor working/ education days with counselling/ mindfulness). As you will know, addicts may mean well but can fall back down at any time. Therefore, the mother might return to the ex at some stage, pick up another loser boyfriend, develop new addictions, fall out with her relatives where she is now etc etc. Keep the letter for a time when there has been a clear track record of stability. There is no rush for decision making here. Your son is loved, protected and cared for in his daily needs...you are doing your job. In your shoes, I would be glad she has moved away and would hope it stays that way. You could suggest she uses the move to look at addiction and detox services locally. This shows that she is willing to change, and not just spill words that put her in a good light. Her intentions may be good, but addicts are addicts for life. You are doing a good job, and must continue to do so...13 is a tricky age of the start of the teens...good luck to you!

Thank you :)

Yeah I think all Children have had a tough time this year as we all have. It's a lot for them to take in & School is going to be very different once they are back . I am going to have a look at the letter once it arrives & see what it says. Apparently it is a note & not a letter. The Grandma said its context is not nasty. This statement concerned me a little as why would my Son's Mum write something nasty to her Son when he is a Child? Anyway, as you & others have suggested I am going to not show him yet until he is settled into School & it's been a good while for his Mum to make some changes.

I honestly am not confident that she will stay over there or if she does she will fall back into bad habits especially if she isn't getting help for the deep issues that she has.

I do look at it as a good thing that she as moved away. Mainly because people were seeing her not looking right good & then speaking to my son telling him that his mum was a drug addict. At least it protects him from that & he wont have to be frightened about bumping into her if she doesn't look too well.

Lets hope she does take the time over there to get some else because if not all it will be will be a change of scenery & little else.

Hi f that was me I’d keep the note until he is ready to receive contact from her. He’s already said he doesn’t wish to receive anything from her and I feel like you if you keep asking him he may feel pushed into it. Maybe have a conversation to say anything she does send you’ll keep for when he is ready and to approach you if he wants to read.

However on the other side of things I would also be tempted to tell her to shove her note and to wait till he is 18 to contact. To me, it sounds like she is moving into with her money potentially to rinse her and if she’s still in the grip of addiction then she will mess the poor lads head up yet again.

It’s a tough situation but I’m sure you will make the right design on and thank heavens he has you in his life. Well done sir

I think once you start giving him the letters, you’ll have to give him the next one, and then the one after that.
So he’ll be in a constant flux of feeling secure, then destabilised by the letter, recovering, then the next time he feels safe another letter comes.
It’s kind of like intermittent reinforcement in a relationship.
All the while his body and brain are developing and these adverse experiences will have an effect.
There’s no sign of her taking her own recovery seriously, I would keep these letters to yourself.
Best of luck, you sound like such a lovely father

You need to go to court and protect your son. She needs to go to rehab and prove she can be a fit mother. Then and only then can you co parent. The childs wishes will be considered. Thankyou for being the parent he needs now. Good luck

@Nannyamc

You need to go to court and protect your son. She needs to go to rehab and prove she can be a fit mother. Then and only then can you co parent. The childs wishes will be considered. Thankyou for being the parent he needs now. Good luck

Thank you :)

I tried to go down the Court route in the first place. However, the Court insists on mediation before you can apply for a Child arrangement order & his Mum refused my offer of mediation. Basically because she didn't want an outsider seeing the dreadful things she was getting up to. As far as I am aware she is still denying any drug use so I highly doubt she will look at rehab. If she does start pushing for contact ect I will again suggest mediation & then Court. But at the moment I am taking it a day at a time.

@Appleofmyeye05

Hi f that was me I’d keep the note until he is ready to receive contact from her. He’s already said he doesn’t wish to receive anything from her and I feel like you if you keep asking him he may feel pushed into it. Maybe have a conversation to say anything she does send you’ll keep for when he is ready and to approach you if he wants to read.

However on the other side of things I would also be tempted to tell her to shove her note and to wait till he is 18 to contact. To me, it sounds like she is moving into with her money potentially to rinse her and if she’s still in the grip of addiction then she will mess the poor lads head up yet again.

It’s a tough situation but I’m sure you will make the right design on and thank heavens he has you in his life. Well done sir

Thank you :)

I asked him maybe a month ago when a letter was first suggested how he felt about contact from his Mum. His answer was basically that he doesn't want anything to do with her. That is all I needed to know to be honest. So I class, letters, phone calls, visits etc all as contact & i will honor his wishes. I try not to keep asking him because as you say he may start to feel pressurized which I do not want.

Yeah I just do not have any confidence in things getting better. It wasn't that long since she phoned her Mum up to falsely say she had been mugged so her Mum would send her some money over & now she is living with her. I cannot see how things are going to get much better unless she puts a lot of work in & gets professional help for her mental health & addictions. From what I can gather his Mum & Grandma think that by getting his Mum back in contact with my Son it will make things all ok again. Yes it may make his Mum feel better & in turn take the pressure of the Grandma but to be honest they are not my concern, my Son is my number one concern & to protect him from any further emotional damage.