Where to go from here regarding my Son's mum?

[malgrat78]

I am back once again asking for your advice & guidance.

As some of you will be aware I have been posting on Mumsnet asking for advice for some time now regarding my now 13 year old Son & the difficult situation he has been in regarding his mother. She started a relationship in the first half of last year with a drug addict & she moved him in. My Son felt very uncomfortable there & I also received a call from Social Services regarding concerns for his welfare as well as concerns from his mum's neighbours & family. At that point my Son was staying with me 2 nights per week & due to my concerns & the wishes of my Son I eventually moved him in with me full time. After this happened I heard all sorts of things about his mum begging, staling, selling things etc. All my sons stuff was sold including some of his beloved PS4 games. The guy even sold his own dog. It was clear that they were both in some form of addiction which i suspect was Heroin & crack cocaine as my son's mum admitted that her boyfriend was on a methadone treatment plan which I did eventually learn he quit.

My sons mum would phone him all the time with horrendous guilt trips & emotional blackmail tactics to try & get him to go back. I offered her meditation which she refused & eventually my Son decided to block her number which I allowed after we discussed it at length.

I am in contact with her older Daughter, my step daughter who a few months ago asked if her mum could write a letter to my Son. I asked my son if he wanted any contact from his mum & he still maintained no so I relayed this to his big sister. His mum then managed to leave a voice mail on my sons phone some how & it was very emotional but at the same time manipulative. With my sons agreement I put a pin on his voicemail so that I could listen to his voicemails but he couldn't. Since then she had not left any voice messages.

I have had contact with a counselling service who suspended all meetings due to Covid but they are hoping to recommence very soon.

Last week a major development has happened. For what ever reason my sons mum has left her home city & moved 80 miles away to apparently live with her elderly mother. His mum has given up everything, the brand new 2 bed house she recently moved into, household items etc. I am not sure of the reason but I know there were people in the area not very happy with her & her boyfriend due to stealing. The now ex boyfriend appears to have a new girlfriend. So, things are looking up with respect to my sons mum getting away from this guy.

Last week my step daughter again asked if my sons mum could write to him. She said she had spoken with her mum who appears oblivious to the damage she has done & is full of self pity. I said she can write a letter but I would prefer it to go to her daughter first so I can at least read it before I decide what to do.

Today my sons grandma has messaged me telling me that his mum is now living down there & she is all sorted & something had to be done to get her away from the guy. She said his mum has written my son a letter it's not much nothing nasty just saying she is sorry for how she treated him. She said she is sending it to my address as she doesn't want to mess about sending it all over the place & so I can read it. She finished the message off with "please accept the note you probably wont let him read it he's been through a lot but everyone makes mistakes, don't they" She does say that his mum does know he wont ever live with her again & it will take time. I just replied saying I hope she does well & I will talk to the counsellor about the letter before I let him read it. She replied saying that its not a letter just a note & she has explained to her daughter what she should expect.

I am in a position now that I am unsure what to do. I have to be mindful that although his mum is over there it's only been a week & if she was on class A drugs which I highly suspect she was then there's a good chance her addiction is going to creep back up on her if she isn't getting any help. Do I tell my son his mum has split up with the boyfriend & moved away? Will this further his abandonment issues that he is probably feeling. Do I let him read this letter / note, however this will depend on the content when I read it. It's very worrying that a woman of 51 years of age let herself get into this position in the first place & has had to give up everything but her own mother appears to believe it was just a mistake & the main reason was the ex boyfriend. I am concerned that any contact with his mum is going to be tinged with self pity, emotional blackmail etc that may effect my son or push him to make decisions based on how his mum is trying to make him feel.

I would absolutely love for my son to have a relationship with his mother again but it has to be an healthy one & I don't think this would be the case at the moment as she appears not to be able to accept any responsibility & I believe she needs to concentrate on her own mental health.

Could I please have any suggestions on how to proceed? Should I wait for the counselling session or sit him down now & explain the situation? He is a very mature intelligent young man who is firm in his decisions but he is only 13 at the end of the day. He talks about his mum now & again but is always saying that he wants nothing to do with her which I can understand. I make sure to explain to him that none of this is his fault & his mum is not in a good place but it's not his making.

I look forward to your replies & thanks to everyone who has helped so far as I do not have many people that I can ask for advice.

Keep up the good work.

Apparently it is a note & not a letter. The Grandma said its context is not nasty.

A note not being nasty is a very low bar though (bit like Meghan Markle's Dad saying Harry could marry her as long as he doesn't beat her). With addicts, the nastiness is just one element. The victimhood, the guilt trips, the narcissism are all just as much of an issue. I can easily see a note being all about how much she misses and needs him which her mother will see as perfectly lovely. But you know that's just her trying to manipulate your son.

Grandma needs to realise that she's not in charge here.

You and your DS said no to a letter. So Grandma has decided it's ok to send a note... That's not her call to make.

she has explained to her daughter what she should expect.

I'd say it's unlikely that that expectation is going to be "Your son won't see it because he doesn't want too".

I hope you are ready for the pressure that's going to come after this note arrives. Grandma is quite clearly happy to ignore your DS's wishes, and yours, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Malgrat, I think your son is very fortunate to have you as a parent, this must be horrendous to deal with and it sounds as if you have navigated it very insightfully.
His mother sounds too damaged and dysfunctional to provide much in the way of parenting, I suppose all you can do is provide age-appropriate explanations for why she's like this.

You sound like a wonderful dad, and have clearly demonstrated that your DS’s welfare is your no. 1 priority.
www.familiesanonymous.org.uk is a 12 step programme for families & friends of a loved one with a drug addiction.
You might want to consider contacting the school to inform them of the situation and to see if they can offer DS support.

@ChickensMightFly

Keep up the good work.

Thank you :)

@SpaceOP

Apparently it is a note & not a letter. The Grandma said its context is not nasty.

A note not being nasty is a very low bar though (bit like Meghan Markle's Dad saying Harry could marry her as long as he doesn't beat her). With addicts, the nastiness is just one element. The victimhood, the guilt trips, the narcissism are all just as much of an issue. I can easily see a note being all about how much she misses and needs him which her mother will see as perfectly lovely. But you know that's just her trying to manipulate your son.

In my humble opinion any note / letter to my Son from an emotionally healthy parent would simply be to say that they hope my Son is ok & getting on with School work etc & maybe a sincere apology. However, from past experience any contact from his Mum has been manipulative. Normally it is to say how much she loves & misses him. The last time she left a voice message she said "I have given you some space but I cant give you anymore. Please speak to me & help me like I would help you". All of it was extremely self centered & manipulative. My son is pretty switched on & he actually said to me "Dad she's trying to manipulate me" So, we will see what the note says.

@lyralalala

Grandma needs to realise that she's not in charge here.

You and your DS said no to a letter. So Grandma has decided it's ok to send a note... That's not her call to make.

she has explained to her daughter what she should expect.

I'd say it's unlikely that that expectation is going to be "Your son won't see it because he doesn't want too".

I hope you are ready for the pressure that's going to come after this note arrives. Grandma is quite clearly happy to ignore your DS's wishes, and yours, and I don't see that changing anytime soon.

Yeah just the fact that the Grandma doesn't seem to be listening makes me uneasy to be honest. Plus the statement "everyone makes mistakes" appears to be slightly manipulative to be honest. It's a back handed way of her trying to push me into giving her contact with my Son. The Grandma wont want the hassle off of her Daughter & that will be what is driving her motives & not the welfare of my Son.

Yes, I am ready for pressure & I already have decided what I am going to say when the time comes.

@Heffalooomia

Malgrat, I think your son is very fortunate to have you as a parent, this must be horrendous to deal with and it sounds as if you have navigated it very insightfully. His mother sounds too damaged and dysfunctional to provide much in the way of parenting, I suppose all you can do is provide age-appropriate explanations for why she's like this.

Thank you :)

My Son's Mum is now in her early 50's & I believe has had issues with drugs to some extent most of her adult life. She has also suffered with mental health issues for many years & in my opinion turned to drugs to self medicate but the drugs interfered with her depression medication etc. Just before she started a relationship with the ex boyfriend I filled out a self referral form for some counselling for her but she never sent it off. Sadly I honestly cannot see her getting much better unless she can push herself to get the help she needs.

@serene12

You sound like a wonderful dad, and have clearly demonstrated that your DS’s welfare is your no. 1 priority. www.familiesanonymous.org.uk is a 12 step programme for families & friends of a loved one with a drug addiction. You might want to consider contacting the school to inform them of the situation and to see if they can offer DS support.

Thank you & thanks for the link :)

@malgrat78 she's back home in a chaotic childhood family home??

[quote JustMeUnderaTree]@malgrat78 she's back home in a chaotic childhood family home??[/quote]
Yep she is back home amongst the people who I believe contributed to her terrible childhood which helped make her the person she is now :/

My Sons mum has now been in touch with me. Basically asking if I have got the letter & have I told my Son that she has moved away & have I told him that she has been in touch. This is the first time I have had any contact from her in over 3 months & she is already asking if I have told my Son that she has been in touch. She literally messaged me only an hour ago.

I basically said that I had not received the letter yet & I will be talking with his counsellor about the letter but ultimately my Son has said that he still does not want any contact from her & I will be honoring his wishes. She pushed again asking if I had told him that she has sent a letter & been in touch & that she will be here waiting for him to talk to her like she always has been.

I am wondering now whether I should tell him that she has been in touch? I just don't want him to feel any added pressure when he is back to School next week. As soon as I mention her he ask me to please stop.

Just from the short messages I have received from her I can sense that she still doesn't grasp the magnitude of what has happened & all she is looking for is a way to make herself feel better & not thinking about the welfare & emotional wellbeing of her Son.

I've a fairly similar situation. When the kids were younger I'd give them what their dad sent. Now I ask them if the want whatever it is if it should happen. If they say no I respect that.

You've asked him. He said no. Ask again if you want. I'd say dont be too specific. But if he says no accept it.

@Wallywobbles

I've a fairly similar situation. When the kids were younger I'd give them what their dad sent. Now I ask them if the want whatever it is if it should happen. If they say no I respect that.

You've asked him. He said no. Ask again if you want. I'd say dont be too specific. But if he says no accept it.

It's difficult isn't it. I want to do the right thing for everyone. On one hand I can appreciate where his Mum is coming from but on the other hand I don't want any upset for my Son & he is the main priority here not me or his Mum. I don't want to feel like I am withholding things from him but at the same time I have a duty to withhold things if I feel it may cause him some emotional upset. Just because his mum is trying to make contact doesn't mean its appropriate. I have to read between the lines. The last thing he said to me is that he never wants to speak to his mum again & when I try to discuss things about he he tells me to please not mention her because he gets upset. My gut feeling is to leave things as they are & not mention her to him at all while he processes things a little longer & with the help of a counsellor. I would like his mum to understand this but I am afraid that she doesn't appear to acknowledge the damage that has been done to this little boy :(

he tells you to please not mention her because he gets upset
He trusts you you to have his back so (imo) you should follow his wishes and not mention her
it is tough for his mum and as you say she's just reaching for whatever will make her feel better in the moment, but it's not up to you to fix her, all you can do is encourage her to get help for herself.
This is such a tough thing to navigate, I think your son is lucky that your hand is on the tiller

@Heffalooomia

he tells you to please not mention her because he gets upset He trusts you you to have his back so (imo) you should follow his wishes and not mention her it is tough for his mum and as you say she's just reaching for whatever will make her feel better in the moment, but it's not up to you to fix her, all you can do is encourage her to get help for herself. This is such a tough thing to navigate, I think your son is lucky that your hand is on the tiller

Yeah he does & I must respect his wishes, he's been through enough.

It is tough for his Mum & there's nothing more I would like to see than both of them having a Mum & Son relationship again but I have to be mindful that it needs to be an healthy relationship. I cannot let this slip & start feeling sorry for his Mum too much. I must keep my Sons best interests in the forefront of my mind. His Mum is the adult & knew exactly what she was doing & still continued when the Social Service got involved which you would have thought would have been a wake up call for any parent.

OP, no parent is better than bad parent.
Is your son going to benefit from the contact? I don’t think so.
You are his guardian. The boy said he wanted no contact with his mother.
He’s been in hell and back thanks to her actions.
Please respect his wishes and don’t push the letter/note whatever on him right now.
He might change his mind later in life when he’s ready, not when his mother/grandmother want.

OP this is tricky- I think I’d tell her you are going to see the councillor for advice before you tell/show him BUT I think it’s really important to tell her that your son knows she loves him and is trying her best for him. I also think you should tell your son that she loves him and is trying to contact him but that she may not be well enough to be able to show that love in a positive way at the moment and you are going for advice on how to handle it with the councillor. Does your son know it’s ok and Not a bad thing To love his mum even though she can’t prioritise him properly or do the right thing for him due to her illness? You sound like a good advocate for him

@FrenchBoule

OP, no parent is better than bad parent. Is your son going to benefit from the contact? I don’t think so. You are his guardian. The boy said he wanted no contact with his mother. He’s been in hell and back thanks to her actions. Please respect his wishes and don’t push the letter/note whatever on him right now. He might change his mind later in life when he’s ready, not when his mother/grandmother want.

If his mum looked like she acknowledged what has happened and she was getting help then I'd take a different view. I honestly do not think she realises what he's been through and any contact from her will be about her and to make her feel better. I also don't think that she will stay over there. I think there's a massive risk and possibility that she will fall back into her old ways just given the fact that she is unable to be honest with herself let alone anyone else. I can't risk my son been hurt again.

He has said he wants no contact numerous times so if I push contact on him or start getting into discussions with his mum behind his back promising things to benefit her it will destroy the trust he has in me and at the moment apart from his big sister I'm all he has.

@Pantsomime

OP this is tricky- I think I’d tell her you are going to see the councillor for advice before you tell/show him BUT I think it’s really important to tell her that your son knows she loves him and is trying her best for him. I also think you should tell your son that she loves him and is trying to contact him but that she may not be well enough to be able to show that love in a positive way at the moment and you are going for advice on how to handle it with the councillor. Does your son know it’s ok and Not a bad thing To love his mum even though she can’t prioritise him properly or do the right thing for him due to her illness? You sound like a good advocate for him

When I spoke to her earlier i kept it short and said I'll be discussing the letter with the councillor before I make any decisions. I've always told my son that his mum loves him but at the moment she's not in a good place and it's not as a result of anything he's done. (He was blamed for her depression by her and she often told him she was going to 'top herself').

I'm a bit apprehensive about telling him that she's trying to contact him as I know my son and he will feel pressured by that which I don't want especially as he's starting back at school next week. I may just say that his mum has contacted me to let me know that she's moved to his Grandmas to try and sort things out but again that may give him false hope. I'm almost certain that his mum will not take this opportunity to get help for her issues so I can only see this going one way unless she can start being honest with herself and everyone around her.

@malgrat78

My Sons mum has now been in touch with me. Basically asking if I have got the letter & have I told my Son that she has moved away & have I told him that she has been in touch. This is the first time I have had any contact from her in over 3 months & she is already asking if I have told my Son that she has been in touch. She literally messaged me only an hour ago.

I basically said that I had not received the letter yet & I will be talking with his counsellor about the letter but ultimately my Son has said that he still does not want any contact from her & I will be honoring his wishes. She pushed again asking if I had told him that she has sent a letter & been in touch & that she will be here waiting for him to talk to her like she always has been.

I am wondering now whether I should tell him that she has been in touch? I just don't want him to feel any added pressure when he is back to School next week. As soon as I mention her he ask me to please stop.

Just from the short messages I have received from her I can sense that she still doesn't grasp the magnitude of what has happened & all she is looking for is a way to make herself feel better & not thinking about the welfare & emotional wellbeing of her Son.

Tbh you should have seen that coming. It was very clear from Grandma’s comments that they do not see the gravity of what the mother has done to your son and that they see your son as part of the key in the mother getting “better”.

I mean this in the very nicest way (I had alcoholic, neglectful parents and was taken to live with my grandparents), you need to toughen up with mum and Grandma.

Grandma should have been told she was out of order over the letter/note saga. Your son very clearly stated he didn’t want a letter. Grandma trampled all over his, and your, boundaries by sending a “note”. The comment she made about telling the mother what to expect was very, very telling. Granny thinks she’s in charge of this situation and she needs to know that she’s not - you are because you are the only one putting your son, his welfare and wishes first.

Your son has made his current position extremely clear to you. You’ll get a lot of flak from mum and granny for defending it, but defend it you must. Don’t let them make you doubt yourself - you know telling him she’s been in touch before he goes back to school is a bad idea so stick to that.

For his sake you have to be the deflection shield. It won’t be pleasant for you, my grandparents took some awful things being said to them, but it’ll be worth it to protect your son.

Tell mum that son has said he wants no contact, she was told he didn’t want a letter and you won’t be bringing her up until he’s settled back in school and his counselling sessions have resumed as he asked.

When she contacts again tell her “as you’ve been told I won’t be bringing you up, as DS requested, until he’s settled back in school and in counselling”

Then the next time “we have discussed this and you know what is happening”.

Don’t get into big dialogue with her. She’s just trying to wear you down. They think she needs DS around to get back on track. There is zero consideration for what your DS needs.

Be aware of flying monkeys at this time as well.

Good luck

You need to be done heated about her. She is reaping what she sowed and the one person here for whom they're is still a glimmer of hope it's your son. Surround him with strength and a wall which she cannot breach.
He couldn't be clearer about what he needs and that is probably only because he trusts you. Keep his trust, believe him, stop asking him. Tell him he can come to you to let you know when he's ready and leave it at that.
It will doubtless be a relief for him, and you. Simple is best here. Stop dancing when she tried to play her tune sadly all the sympathy and understanding in the world doesn't mean he should make space for her in his life or his head.
Tell her no contact will even be considered until she is on step xyz of recovery programme as you are busy trying to help him heal from the damage already done.
Form your tone up, I suspect she can sense your hesitation and that will give her false hope.

Firm