Where to go from here regarding my Son's mum?

[malgrat78]

I am back once again asking for your advice & guidance.

As some of you will be aware I have been posting on Mumsnet asking for advice for some time now regarding my now 13 year old Son & the difficult situation he has been in regarding his mother. She started a relationship in the first half of last year with a drug addict & she moved him in. My Son felt very uncomfortable there & I also received a call from Social Services regarding concerns for his welfare as well as concerns from his mum's neighbours & family. At that point my Son was staying with me 2 nights per week & due to my concerns & the wishes of my Son I eventually moved him in with me full time. After this happened I heard all sorts of things about his mum begging, staling, selling things etc. All my sons stuff was sold including some of his beloved PS4 games. The guy even sold his own dog. It was clear that they were both in some form of addiction which i suspect was Heroin & crack cocaine as my son's mum admitted that her boyfriend was on a methadone treatment plan which I did eventually learn he quit.

My sons mum would phone him all the time with horrendous guilt trips & emotional blackmail tactics to try & get him to go back. I offered her meditation which she refused & eventually my Son decided to block her number which I allowed after we discussed it at length.

I am in contact with her older Daughter, my step daughter who a few months ago asked if her mum could write a letter to my Son. I asked my son if he wanted any contact from his mum & he still maintained no so I relayed this to his big sister. His mum then managed to leave a voice mail on my sons phone some how & it was very emotional but at the same time manipulative. With my sons agreement I put a pin on his voicemail so that I could listen to his voicemails but he couldn't. Since then she had not left any voice messages.

I have had contact with a counselling service who suspended all meetings due to Covid but they are hoping to recommence very soon.

Last week a major development has happened. For what ever reason my sons mum has left her home city & moved 80 miles away to apparently live with her elderly mother. His mum has given up everything, the brand new 2 bed house she recently moved into, household items etc. I am not sure of the reason but I know there were people in the area not very happy with her & her boyfriend due to stealing. The now ex boyfriend appears to have a new girlfriend. So, things are looking up with respect to my sons mum getting away from this guy.

Last week my step daughter again asked if my sons mum could write to him. She said she had spoken with her mum who appears oblivious to the damage she has done & is full of self pity. I said she can write a letter but I would prefer it to go to her daughter first so I can at least read it before I decide what to do.

Today my sons grandma has messaged me telling me that his mum is now living down there & she is all sorted & something had to be done to get her away from the guy. She said his mum has written my son a letter it's not much nothing nasty just saying she is sorry for how she treated him. She said she is sending it to my address as she doesn't want to mess about sending it all over the place & so I can read it. She finished the message off with "please accept the note you probably wont let him read it he's been through a lot but everyone makes mistakes, don't they" She does say that his mum does know he wont ever live with her again & it will take time. I just replied saying I hope she does well & I will talk to the counsellor about the letter before I let him read it. She replied saying that its not a letter just a note & she has explained to her daughter what she should expect.

I am in a position now that I am unsure what to do. I have to be mindful that although his mum is over there it's only been a week & if she was on class A drugs which I highly suspect she was then there's a good chance her addiction is going to creep back up on her if she isn't getting any help. Do I tell my son his mum has split up with the boyfriend & moved away? Will this further his abandonment issues that he is probably feeling. Do I let him read this letter / note, however this will depend on the content when I read it. It's very worrying that a woman of 51 years of age let herself get into this position in the first place & has had to give up everything but her own mother appears to believe it was just a mistake & the main reason was the ex boyfriend. I am concerned that any contact with his mum is going to be tinged with self pity, emotional blackmail etc that may effect my son or push him to make decisions based on how his mum is trying to make him feel.

I would absolutely love for my son to have a relationship with his mother again but it has to be an healthy one & I don't think this would be the case at the moment as she appears not to be able to accept any responsibility & I believe she needs to concentrate on her own mental health.

Could I please have any suggestions on how to proceed? Should I wait for the counselling session or sit him down now & explain the situation? He is a very mature intelligent young man who is firm in his decisions but he is only 13 at the end of the day. He talks about his mum now & again but is always saying that he wants nothing to do with her which I can understand. I make sure to explain to him that none of this is his fault & his mum is not in a good place but it's not his making.

I look forward to your replies & thanks to everyone who has helped so far as I do not have many people that I can ask for advice.

Respect his wishes 🙄

malgrat78 right now I’d put aside the relationship with his mum. Try and pick the threads up with the councilling and therapy again. I went to see a psychiatrist over some thing else in my mid thirties and she just asked a few questions about my relationship with my mother for a bit of back ground and it opened up a massive can of worms, feelings I didn’t even know were there. That actually became the focus of the meetings and I ended up quitting because it just floored me.

The damage will have been done and your son needs so much love, safety, peace and self esteem building in to him to build him up to be a happy adult.

Do you do any out side activities with him? Long hikes, bike rides, camping any thing outside and physical is very therapeutic and be a fantastic stress release. Don’t let him fester on computer consoles. I’d really concentrate on healing him and protect him from all contact. You owe nothing to his mothers side - they do not have his best interests.

Steve biddulph has written some great books. I believe he has done one called Raising sons. I’ve read the raising daughters and it was brilliant so I expect the sons one will be similar have a look at it I think you can download them

I think at 13 you really still need the big bad world to be kept at bay, even if sadly that includes your mum. Some pp said nearly an adult, but there is so much of the ego (in the true sense of the word) and emotional development going on between 13 and 18+. His future relationships with females will colour his life for better or worse and that is only more likely to be worse the more damage she does, absolutely he needs to heal and be protected, well said byallmeans

Really look in to adventure/outdoor therapy. There is lots about it on google. It will be great bonding for you and fantastic for his mental health and self esteem.

Please talk to the councillor. But have you told your son that he isn't going to be going to live with his mum again. Have you told him hopefully she will get better but she would have to be better for 4 years before you would think about him living with her. That he isn't allowed over night until she is good and he has visited her for over a year and visits won't start until she is good for atleast 6 months and they will only be 1 hour visits.

I think he might want contact with her and would be accepting of it if he knew it wasn't the path to going back to that life.

But only accepting positive contact. I'm sorry and how was your day. Even telling her what she can write. No I'm sorry I'm better now, it will be ok. No. All about him.

Jut my opinion.
Good luck

My exh fought me to the point of ptsd symptoms(gp's described me) for our dc. Then he neglected and abused them.
At 12 +14 they came to live withe ft..
Their df isn't mentioned. At their request. Ds told me he just wanted to enjoy what was left of his childhood and forget how it was with df...
I think this is appropriate for your situation also. At 18 your ds can read letters /make decisions about contact.
For now let him be a kid.
You and your ds are doing great - I have read all your posts..
As an adult I believe making the decision to keep him from abuse is yours to make without consulting him. The guilt of saying nc may make him say yes when it's not his actual wishes.. Your call as the parent ime...

I think “mum” really needs time to prove herself a lot here as she cant be suddenly ok.... if she’s genuine she’ll be happy to give it time and wait.

Absolutely talk to the counsellor first and wait till you feel clear and happy about what to do. There is no time pressure here - your son can pick up a relationship with his mum at any stage and weeks or months and possibly years would make no difference. The time pressure is coming only from the needs of mum and granny, and basically they have forfeited that right.

@ChickensMightFly

I would have a conversation song the lines of, the bad things he has been through do not belong in anyone's childhood so now he is in a place of safety where he is loved you will be his strong arms and he does not need to fear. As part of that you will make sure that none of the chaos can leak through into his safe place, as such you will redirect his wishes, guide him and his mother Mary our may not be part of his life in future if she is capable of doing it without harm. Previous pp who said you don't get to decide is wrong I believe, it is your decision because it is your role as the stable parent to protect him from damage. You don't need to show him the letter now, you can satisfy granny by saying the letter is received but in safe keeping to share when the circumstances demonstrate it is safe. So assuming the letter is honest and not full of emotional blackmail put it in a safe place, then as time goes by if your son sees an improvement in his mum and feels strong enough he could choose to see what she had to say at this point in time. The impact of the letter will be different depending on the context of that future time. If she had kept her promises of staying clean it will confirm her love for him at a time of turmoil in her life and be a nice thing for him to have. If she stays from the path it will show him her best intentions weren't enough, but older future him will be better able to understand that and deal with how it makes him feel as it will be a known outcome rather than a letter that fills him with false hope which may or may not be crushed yet again.

Sorry probably very waffly, typing on phone doesn't make for good edit

Great advice thank you :)

@Byallmeans

malgrat78 right now I’d put aside the relationship with his mum. Try and pick the threads up with the councilling and therapy again. I went to see a psychiatrist over some thing else in my mid thirties and she just asked a few questions about my relationship with my mother for a bit of back ground and it opened up a massive can of worms, feelings I didn’t even know were there. That actually became the focus of the meetings and I ended up quitting because it just floored me.

The damage will have been done and your son needs so much love, safety, peace and self esteem building in to him to build him up to be a happy adult.

Do you do any out side activities with him? Long hikes, bike rides, camping any thing outside and physical is very therapeutic and be a fantastic stress release. Don’t let him fester on computer consoles. I’d really concentrate on healing him and protect him from all contact. You owe nothing to his mothers side - they do not have his best interests.

Steve biddulph has written some great books. I believe he has done one called Raising sons. I’ve read the raising daughters and it was brilliant so I expect the sons one will be similar have a look at it I think you can download them

We have a fantastic relationship & only last night before bed he was telling me how well we both get on unlike some of his friends & their fathers. We spend a lot of time together & I make sure we venture out each weekend to museums, parks etc. We had a fantastic week away in Spain recently where we did some amazing things. We have a very open & honest relationship & he is a pleasure to be around.

I shall look for that book thank you :)

@ChickensMightFly

I think at 13 you really still need the big bad world to be kept at bay, even if sadly that includes your mum. Some pp said nearly an adult, but there is so much of the ego (in the true sense of the word) and emotional development going on between 13 and 18+. His future relationships with females will colour his life for better or worse and that is only more likely to be worse the more damage she does, absolutely he needs to heal and be protected, well said byallmeans

Yes I am concerned about this & the relationship with females in the future. However, I have made a point to really instill in him that his mum is not in a good place & that is why she has made some bad decisions.

@random9876

Absolutely talk to the counsellor first and wait till you feel clear and happy about what to do. There is no time pressure here - your son can pick up a relationship with his mum at any stage and weeks or months and possibly years would make no difference. The time pressure is coming only from the needs of mum and granny, and basically they have forfeited that right.

She only moved over a week ago & that is why I have not mentioned anything to him yet. A few months ago she left the boyfriend & went to stay with her mum for a week & then her sister but apparently she was still contacting the boyfriend & she was seeing him again once she got back to her home city. This is why I have not said that she has moved away because deep down I fear she might go back especially if she has a drug habit which I suspect she has & he manages to haul her back in.

Yes the pressure I feel is from the granny. The fact that she has only been there a week & she is sending an apology letter plus the granny is telling me that everyone makes mistakes makes me think they do not see the gravity of what has happened. To be honest his mum had a very difficult childhood with neglect etc so I try not to listen to any advice from the granny.

@Lozzerbmc

I think “mum” really needs time to prove herself a lot here as she cant be suddenly ok.... if she’s genuine she’ll be happy to give it time and wait.

I think I am just feel a little pressured & I need to take a step back & give it a lot more time. I am just not sure whether I should tell him she has moved away or not before he gets told from someone else. However, to be honest I can see her coming back some how, maybe to stay with her Sister or something. Maybe I should wait a little longer before telling him?

We have a fantastic relationship & only last night before bed he was telling me how well we both get on unlike some of his friends & their fathers.

That's so lovely. It'll be nice to have that to hold on to when he tells you that you're a horrible controlling father and all his mates' parents are cool and let their sons smoke/drink/stay up till 2 on a school night. Just be prepared for rough times because every teenager has them.

As for your ex, she's an addict. Addicts lie and manipulate (so my beloved, clean, addict tells me). A week is nothing, even if it's true that she's not using anything at all. She needs help if she's going to stay clean. NA isn't for everyone - the god stuff would stop me dead in my tracks - but there are alternatives so she has no excuse. When/if she can demonstrate that she's engaging in a program and has been clean for months you can try a meeting if and only if your son wants one. Something like a coffee for 20 minutes in a public place with you round the corner is a start.

If she uses NA, I'd suggest that she needs to get to Step Nine before it's appropriate for her to be part of your son's life again. She'll have done a lot of thinking about herself and the harm she's done by then.

It would probably be a good idea for you to get into one of the programs like AlAnon. Again, there are non-goddy ones. They help you look at behaviours and how to manage your relationship with an addict. You may feel that your son would benefit from it too, or perhaps he's too young and would be better seeing it at second hand via you.

@ThatLibraryMiss

We have a fantastic relationship & only last night before bed he was telling me how well we both get on unlike some of his friends & their fathers.

That's so lovely. It'll be nice to have that to hold on to when he tells you that you're a horrible controlling father and all his mates' parents are cool and let their sons smoke/drink/stay up till 2 on a school night. Just be prepared for rough times because every teenager has them.

As for your ex, she's an addict. Addicts lie and manipulate (so my beloved, clean, addict tells me). A week is nothing, even if it's true that she's not using anything at all. She needs help if she's going to stay clean. NA isn't for everyone - the god stuff would stop me dead in my tracks - but there are alternatives so she has no excuse. When/if she can demonstrate that she's engaging in a program and has been clean for months you can try a meeting if and only if your son wants one. Something like a coffee for 20 minutes in a public place with you round the corner is a start.

If she uses NA, I'd suggest that she needs to get to Step Nine before it's appropriate for her to be part of your son's life again. She'll have done a lot of thinking about herself and the harm she's done by then.

It would probably be a good idea for you to get into one of the programs like AlAnon. Again, there are non-goddy ones. They help you look at behaviours and how to manage your relationship with an addict. You may feel that your son would benefit from it too, or perhaps he's too young and would be better seeing it at second hand via you.

I have a 26 year old step daughter who I brought up since she was 7 so I have experienced the rough times very well :)

The issue with his mum is that she has managed to deny any drug use & will not admit anything. Everything is everyone else fault. I know someone in a 12 step recovery program & the first step is admittance which looks like will be extremely difficult for his mum to do.

She will be trying to deal with this without any help which is why I fear she will fall back in to bad ways once a few weeks as passed. Her mother believes she is ok now she is away from the addict boyfriend & he was the main reason for all the problems.

Her mother believes she is ok now she is away from the addict boyfriend & he was the main reason for all the problems

This is known as "doing a geographic". It rarely works because wherever you go, you take yourself with you.

If she won't admit that she's an addict there's nothing to be done for her. Just keep yourself and your son healthy and hope she hits her rock bottom sooner rather than later. If her mum's enabling her, though, that's going to take a while.

@ThatLibraryMiss

Her mother believes she is ok now she is away from the addict boyfriend & he was the main reason for all the problems

This is known as "doing a geographic". It rarely works because wherever you go, you take yourself with you.

If she won't admit that she's an addict there's nothing to be done for her. Just keep yourself and your son healthy and hope she hits her rock bottom sooner rather than later. If her mum's enabling her, though, that's going to take a while.

Ah yes I have heard of that term but didn't know what it meant. So basically it's trying to solve the problem by running away but the problem still is there within? This is why I am weary about telling my son that she has moved away because I can honestly see her coming back once she starts needing some relief from what ever she was using. One week away is nothing in my opinion where drugs are involved.

I'm the child of an alcoholic (so not a drug addict). I'm also a mum of a 13 year old boy.
I would tell him the truth. Pre warn him of the letter. Ask him if he would like you to keep it safe until he feels ready to read it. Talk to him about the possibility of a relapse and also the fact that its the parents job to look after the children and let him know you will always be there for him. Tell him you are trying to sort out the counsellor so you can discuss it.

So basically it's trying to solve the problem by running away but the problem still is there within?

Yes, you tell yourself that the problem is where you live and the people that you hang out with, and that if only you could get away and start fresh it'd all be different. So you move, and it turns out that the new people you hang out with are much the same as the old ones but with different names and faces.

One week away is nothing in my opinion where drugs are involved.

To be fair to her, if she has stopped using anything at all she'll have had a really horrible week. The 12-step programs do celebrate seven days clean. But the attitudes and behaviours will still be there waiting for her to have a bad day and tell herself she's been so good and she deserves just a little, just to get her through, then it all comes flooding back.

Addiction is an illness. Getting clean is more than just stopping using. It's really hard and most addicts need support from other people who've been through it and can see and call out the BS.

It would be honest to tell him his mum has gone to her mum's and you aren't sure whether she will stay there or split her time between there and her previous home.
You could say that we all go to what we know in tough times and that's what she's doing. You could also say that sadly what you know isn't always helpful and possibly is part of the root cause of the problem, which is why you want to make sure his true home is a good place. If he has suffered at her hands he can probably imagine how her upbringing is influencing the way she lives, even possibly self medicating (?!).
It might be a useful conversion to introduce the idea that we can direct our lives one way or another and that though it is understandable bad experiences set us off on the wrong path it doesn't have to be that way and that you are there to help him avoid that fate for himself and to help him find better ways of coping and building a life.
Paint him a picture of support and a life well lived, so he can know it is sad that his mother went one way but that his outcome can be different. If he can empathise it might soften his feelings of abandonment. Just make sure it isn't saying it is ok he went through those things, and that understanding doesn't mean condonement.
Obviously gloss over the details, or don't have this type of chat at all if there is any risk he will stay carrying his mother's own traumas around in his heart.
Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Simply saying she's staying at her mum's for a while isn't a bad thing.

@ChickensMightFly

It would be honest to tell him his mum has gone to her mum's and you aren't sure whether she will stay there or split her time between there and her previous home. You could say that we all go to what we know in tough times and that's what she's doing. You could also say that sadly what you know isn't always helpful and possibly is part of the root cause of the problem, which is why you want to make sure his true home is a good place. If he has suffered at her hands he can probably imagine how her upbringing is influencing the way she lives, even possibly self medicating (?!). It might be a useful conversion to introduce the idea that we can direct our lives one way or another and that though it is understandable bad experiences set us off on the wrong path it doesn't have to be that way and that you are there to help him avoid that fate for himself and to help him find better ways of coping and building a life. Paint him a picture of support and a life well lived, so he can know it is sad that his mother went one way but that his outcome can be different. If he can empathise it might soften his feelings of abandonment. Just make sure it isn't saying it is ok he went through those things, and that understanding doesn't mean condonement. Obviously gloss over the details, or don't have this type of chat at all if there is any risk he will stay carrying his mother's own traumas around in his heart. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Simply saying she's staying at her mum's for a while isn't a bad thing.

Thank You! Yes I've decided to tell him today but as you say I could tell him that she's gone for a while and that's as much as I know at the moment.

We have had long chats about his mum and he knows the terrible upbringing she had and he's said himself that he thinks she could be the way she is because of that. I've explained that although she's not in a good place now she maybe in future but at the moment she's not in a good place and I need to keep him safe while she works on her problems. I've told him that although she has behaved not very good and it maybe due to her own upbringing that it doesn't make it right and she should work on the root of her problems. I make sure his feelings are validated and I keep my personal opinions to myself. We do have a really good open honest relationship and that's why I feel i should at least tell him that his mum has gone away for a bit.

Like many PP this is a bit above my pay grade, but...
You could keep a locked box for anything received from her and a diary or logbook, very much like what you write here, also in the box. Then in future the whole story is available to him.

See what the counseling services say. Perhaps you could tell him that sometimes stuff comes from his Mum and you don't throw it out, but unless you're very sure her essential situation has changed you won't trouble him with it.

Should he later want to see the stuff, you can perhaps get him to do it at an actual counselling session, so he has someone independent with him - your diary/contemporary notes in the box would fill in your thoughts about it all.

It does sound like the two of you are enjoying life together and I very much hope that continues.

You sound like you've really thoughtfully built a great relationship with him. Thank goodness he has that. From what you are saying about how you have talked about things and handled it he stands a pretty good chance if coming through this pretty enormously literate and with a raft of useful life lessons under his belt. I'm not sure you need much help from here, but it's always useful to have a sounding board even if it just confirms what you were thinking.

Emotionally literate. 😆😆

@ChickensMightFly

You sound like you've really thoughtfully built a great relationship with him. Thank goodness he has that. From what you are saying about how you have talked about things and handled it he stands a pretty good chance if coming through this pretty enormously literate and with a raft of useful life lessons under his belt. I'm not sure you need much help from here, but it's always useful to have a sounding board even if it just confirms what you were thinking.

Thank you. I do a lot of reading & I am very interested in self help etc which I think has put me in good stead for the challenges we have been facing. He appears to be coping very good so far. I tend to gauge it on how he sleeps & basically how active & talkative he is. However, he is now a teenager so sometimes it's difficult to tell :)

What I do struggle with is making decisions or at least been confident that I have made the right decision & thats where these boards are invaluable. I have had some really good advice on here which I will be eternally grateful for. I do not have a massive circle of friends but I am trying to increase this & push myself out of my comfort zone & ask for help or just someone to listen to me as it helps enormously.

When we face challenges in life we tend to grow & gain strength from them if we have the right mindset & if anything as you say he will hopefully learn some very useful life lessons from all of this. One thing that I have noticed from him is that he always see's a positive in things which is an amazing attitude to take into his adult life.