‘You probably won’t have a baby now’

[User38583]

Sat with my friends at the weekend and another announced they were pregnant. They said it had taken a few months and been told it was because of her age (35). Im 35 too and 4 months older than her. My other friends turns to me and says well that’s probably it for you now user!

I want a family and I’m still single. I will be 36 next May.

I feel so depressed by it all. I’ve been obsessively reading of fertility too and I had to have a termination when I was 30 so always worried that would have an impact anyway. Now I’m analysing fertility everyday and worrying about it all so much.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I wouldn’t want to do it alone and so I need to find a partner. At best it would be a year or so. I’ve been to have a general check (not full fertility) and they seem to think it’s all pretty normal and won’t know if issues unless I start trying.

I feel so down about it.

Well that was very thoughtless of your friend to say that to you.

You can have problems conceiving regardless of your age so if you are fit and healthy and have fallen pregnant before, I wouldn't worry too much at the moment. A good friend of mine recently had her first baby at 41 (a week before her 42nd birthday).

I also have a couple of friends who wanted children but it just never happened for them (didn't meet the right man in time). One now lives with her boyfriend and two step-children and is happy and the other has found peace in not being a mum and enjoying the freedom that comes with that (she is in a relationship and they do all kinds of things).

Don't be too disheartened and don't give up hope x

Thanks sunshine it was a good few years ago now that I did fall pregnant though and also I do often think the termination could have affected things. Maybe I don’t deserve it now anyway.

I’m just so sad and could have done without such a horrible comment I can’t stop thinking about it.

I got married in my mid thirties hoping to start a family. It turns out that won't be possible for us, which I am sometimes sad about. (Nothing to do with age)
But if I could have a different partner and a child I wouldn't swap. My DH is human and so obviously has faults but he has been an excellent husband so far and is mostly just interested in making me happy.
Look for that and hopefully a baby will be part of it for you.

Everyone’s fertility is different, you won’t know what yours is until you try. I know loads of women who’ve had no trouble conceiving in their late 30s (in fact amongst the women I know no one really thinks about kids until mid 30s onwards). I know women who’ve struggled in their late 20s. Of course there are age considerations for women but it’s not a forgone conclusion that you will struggle.
If you want a family I’d just ask are you dating and putting yourself out there socially to meet people? (Harder with covid granted)

I didn’t have a baby until I was 42. No problems at all, so try not to worry.
Whereas a work colleague needed multiple IVF, I can’t recall her exact age as it was a few years ago- mid twenties ish. You just never know. Could you freeze eggs? I know it’s quite expensive, I’ve not researched it at all.
What a nasty thing for your fiend to say.

That was a horrid thing to say to somebody, totally unnecessary and not at all true. I would certainly be TTC at 36 if I had everything else lined up (the husband was always a must for me), but plenty of women have babies in their late 30s and into early 40s.

I met my now DH at 35, it can still happen!

We still moved slowly, married when I was 39.

I had two mc, my DD at 40 and long for second baby but after 3 mc and aged 43 now it's very unlikely. I've seen specialists and it's been put down to egg quality due to age. So even with IVF I'd likely miscarry die to chromosomal issues

So I'd highly highly recommend freezing your eggs as that will give you options later if needed. I know it's expensive but I regret not doing it.

Met my partner at 40 and had twins at 42. Not saying it happens like that for everyone but I think it is way too early to lose hope. Your friend was very tactless and wrong.

How very unkind of your friend :(

I have friends who had their first babies well past 35. One of them was 42 and conceived on her second month of trying (that was my favourite phone call ever, EVER, her yelling at me "when he shagged me it worked! It bloody worked!"). I have numerous relatives who continued to give birth into their 40s. I'm 39 and certainly would not rely on being too old for contraception.

Thanks for the nice messages.

I just feel like I ruined my chances anyway after what happened when I was 30. I had medical management but got an infection later, I was only 5 weeks. I wish I hadn’t even gone to the bloody bbq at the weekend!

Why wouldn’t you want to do it alone? No judgement just a thought I had reading your post. You may not have the luxury of many years of dating/marriage like you would in your 20s before starting a family. Having a child with a man you don’t know inside out can lead to problems, and if you don’t know/trust his family very much it makes things quite difficult.

I think she was just teasing you but it obviously hit a nerve, chanced are in your favour at the moment at least.

Your thoughtless friend needs to know how cutting her stupid comment was for you-you could text her and tell her "Hi,thoughtless friend,just wanted you to know I'm very hurt by what you said speculating about my chances at motherhood. I wish I never attended the bbq" Please stop beating yourself up for your past. If you want your mind soothed go speak to a physician and have an exam or your blood tested for hormone levels

Very thoughtless thing for her to say. Could you have some tests for fertility? Just to be forewarned . I looked into mine and found I have pcos . You may have no trouble conceiving at all.Try not to worry about the termination , I doubt it will affect you going forwards .

What an insensitive thing to say to anyone, let alone a friend!

Seriously, don't worry too much. I had my first baby at 43 and it's all great. As suggested above, you might want to consider freezing our eggs to give you better chances.

I mc very young op. And had an infection.. Went on to have many dc. A ds at 38 and 1 at 43. Your df isn't a friend imo.

I just want to add that this friend is not the know all of fertility or predictions for the future. Some people think their thoughts/ opinions are facts .

Your ‘friend’ is a mean cow. Sorry.

OP - it’s a very insensitive comment.
However - if you are really set on having children with a partner, and don’t yet have one - I’d take some proactive steps to make sure you help your chances.
I would definitely freeze some eggs now while they are still good quality, and it’ll extend your fertility by several years.

Some peel would tell you how they met in mid thirties and now have a house full of kids. It does happen.
What also happens is women in your age group dating to find someone to have kids with - and it’s not easy. Men sense it and can get scared, or feel used. And to make sure you really know someone to have kids with them - takes a few years anyway. Which at best brings you to your late 30s.

Not impossible, but still - with frozen eggs you’ll have a little less pressure and be more relaxed when dating. Thus actually increasing your chances.

Good luck Op.

Crap of your friend to rub salt it the wound like that, does she often do that little sly digs it was that a one off ?

I’m sorry for all you have been through, but the biological facts remain that your fertility is declining and if this is soemthing you really really want, you need to consider going it alone
You can always find a partner later
But I know that wood one harder

Wishing you the best of luck op
It’s not your fault l, it’s just the luck of life

Dd and lots of her friends have had babies at 38, 39, 40, 41, 42.
One had her 2nd at 45.

Daft to say it’s too late at 35!

Lol.

I became pregnant first try twice in a row.

I was 38 starting!

Completely untrue but an extremely nasty thing to say.

Thanks posters. It’s made me feel so shit and also made me think about the termination and all the worries about that have reared up again. Urgh life feels horrible sometimes. Xx

It's not even true. I'm sure I read that 80% of women are still fertile at 40. I had my second child at 37 and got pregnant the first month of trying. Ignore your friends