‘You probably won’t have a baby now’

[User38583]

Sat with my friends at the weekend and another announced they were pregnant. They said it had taken a few months and been told it was because of her age (35). Im 35 too and 4 months older than her. My other friends turns to me and says well that’s probably it for you now user!

I want a family and I’m still single. I will be 36 next May.

I feel so depressed by it all. I’ve been obsessively reading of fertility too and I had to have a termination when I was 30 so always worried that would have an impact anyway. Now I’m analysing fertility everyday and worrying about it all so much.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I wouldn’t want to do it alone and so I need to find a partner. At best it would be a year or so. I’ve been to have a general check (not full fertility) and they seem to think it’s all pretty normal and won’t know if issues unless I start trying.

I feel so down about it.

Two things op.

I met DH at 29 and we were engaged in 6 months, married a year later. Had I been older I imagine we'd have TTC sooner than after the wedding.

I did take the new to help you ovulate but I have PCOS but I had identical twins and delivered just before I turned 38. No issues at all.

When it works it does seem to fall into place - we got married after I got pregnant (the week before my 20 week scan actually!) I was lucky because he has turned out to be my best friend - but prior to this I was single for about four years after a ten year relationship.

I know how you feel about not deserving to get pregnant and all the feelings you're dealing with, but when you look rationally (so hard on such an emotive topic) it doesn't work like that. There isn't anyone out there punishing you for your past actions, that's your own feelings talking and PP are right that you should seek help to talk through those worries.

I've had friends like yours and they're not worth it - it was mean comment and I would seriously distance myself from someone who makes me feel deliberately rubbish about something that frankly is out of my control.
A close friend has just fallen pregnant at 39 and another gave birth to a baby a month older than DD at 41 - no complications with either.
I know so many women having babies right up until 45 - I always joke that I'm too tired to have another bit I think that happens no matter what age you are!

Sorry @GilbertMarkham but "the NHS fertility website had a factoid on its main page stating that 90% of women under 40 fall pregnant within two years of trying" does not mean that those at the top of the age range all find it as easy as those at the bottom of the age range. The distribution is likely to mean that the other 10% is mainly accounted for by those nearer to 40.

That's a given ie. it's a given that those closer to 40 are more likely to take longer within the two years. I don't know why that needed pointed out (?)

Sorry, Ive just reread your post - no, the 10% is those who don't fall pregnant within two years. But 90% including women 40 and under do .. with the likely pattern I've mentioned above.

What does the blood test show? A percentage chance? What’s it looking for to quantify it?

No, just whether your level of those hormones is within a normal range.

It just rules out hormone issues.

There are too many other factors to give a percentage chance of pregnancy.

You could get a fertility check up done, with an ovary scan etc. if you wanted, probably have to go to private clinic. Not perfect but better than nothing.

You can track your ovulation with Ava bracelet or a couple if other devices or clear blue monitor. If you want yo get a good handle on your cycle so if you're in a position to TTC you're all genned up.
I think.many women ovulate earlier as they get older.

Your mum's age at menopause minus ten years is a (not sure how accurate) yard stick for decline of fertility.

@User38583

Thought you’re right who is going to want to have a baby quickly, probably nobody.

I don't know but I do know of someone who did on line dating when she was 39. She was very up front with every guy. I'm looking for a husband and father for my children, if that's not on your agenda there's the door. Don't waste my time I don't have time to waste.

She met the right guy and had baby within 18mths.

I wasn't quite as ruthless but managed to get married and baby in just over 3 years.

Ubiquinol/Q10 in s supposedly good for egg quality.

And all the usual suspects; zinc, magnesium etc.

(selenium too).

Oh and sorry to be ageist but men's sperm quality is usually better the younger they are, and two sets of aging genetic material lower the chance of healthy pregnancy so close to your age/on the young side is a better bet than older than you; if it comes down to it.

Dontfuckingsaycheese

I keep realising what you're getting at .. yes the 20% among the women 40 and under who don't fall pregnant within two years is more likely to be made up of those 40 and closest to 40, but my point is that it's only 10%! 90% do fall pregnant within two years, the vast majority.

*10%

Aside from that comment being awful, it's obviously anecdotal but I had a termination - which I've not regretted for even a moment - in my mjd 20s, and later conceived in our 2nd month of trying and had a baby at nearly 33. I don't plan on TTC no 2 until I'm 36 or so. What makes you think a termination will affect your fertility? You sound like you're struggling with guilt. Please, please don't.

I have no wise advice to offer in terms of anything to do with freezing eggs etc but please try to let go of damaging thoughts around your termination - if it wasn't right then it wasn't right. Far better than continuing a pregnancy that wasn't right for you.

Oh* @User38583*
What a thoughtless thing to say.
Let's give her the benefit of the doubt and believe she just spoke without thinking but
watch out in her company - if she is regularly making nasty comments, distance yourself from her quietly.
Who needs people like that in their lives.

I don't live in the UK but wise posters who do might know the name of a support group for those who have had an abortion as I think you need to talk about that with someone. It was obviously difficult for you medically because you had an infection afterwards and you are worried.
You could speak with your doctor.

AWry and lady I’m only worried as I had BV at the the time and was treated a few months after for suspected PID. Nothing particularly was picked up and I was told BV unlikely to cause damage. Obviously people are non committal and I’m a worrier so always think the worst. I also wonder if I deserve it now after everything. I get that it’s silly but can’t help it sometimes. And then there’s been late thirties, doesn’t make the worry any less!

I would consider a different way if it came to it but it just makes me sad that meeting someone and building a life together seems impossible. I honestly don’t know how people do it especially later on!

If you went down the sperm donation route it doesn’t mean you’re closing yourself off from meeting a man. It just means you aren’t going to put your hopes of starting a family on hold.

I think BV can increase the risk of miscarriage but it doesn’t affect your fertility long term. Your age is more likely to be a factor, although as PPs have shown some women have no issues conceiving in their late thirties/ early forties.

Horrible comment from your "friend".

FWIW I think it's really very unlikely your termination + BV infection will have seriously affected your chances. If you did have a bad infection the risk from this is generally that scar tissue can block a tube. I have one blocked tube due to scar tissue from a cesarian and was still able to conceive again naturally with this. You could always get your tubes checked to put your mind at rest if it's something you are worried about - will be about £200 privately and you can get referred for it if you go for a general fertility MOT. A general check up may well relieve some of your worries. Many women still have very decent fertility at 35.

I would definitely be putting yourself out there for dating and make it clear within a few dates that you do want children.

Good luck.

First of all don't take advice on fertility from friends (especially mean ones!)

See a Doctor - get that hormone test that gives you a good picture of your fertility (need to go private I should think).

Then plan a strategy to go all-out with dating. Consider a really good matching service not Tinder! Expand your world and hobbies. Don't pass up the chance of being introduced to someone's cousin at an event. Don't be desperate of course but be open and positive to possibilities. While there are never guarantees It's a numbers game and you can increase things in your favour.

Approach things like you would a work project. Sometimes a bit of strategy can hello. Life isn't always like the movies - they make it all look so easy.

Distance yourself from mean friends who bring you down.

Wish you all the luck in the world. I am childfree and happy but am rooting for you - hope you get what you want

In terms of fertility you just don't know. I have friends of different ages who struggled to get pregnant and a few who couldn't have kids (despite being fairly young when trying). But the majority of my friends had no problems conceiving in their 30s and early 40s. I myself had 3 kids in my late 30s - got pregnant within weeks of trying.

Hmm if you think your friend meant it meanly it might be time for new friends! That is the time when you need the snarky best friend to chime in counting your chickens before they’ve hatched aren’t you? To bitchy pregnant friend (I’d never say that to anyone to be clear!).
I’m 37 and planning one or two more, and my baby group with my 1st had 2 of the 10 39 and 40- take some time out to let yourself feel miserable but after that don’t let this get to you!

I had dc at very late 30s and very early 40s
Dp is several years older.

First attempt.

Also no complications with either dd or Ds even though we are both ancient.

Also I was considered quite young at my NCT classes.

I do think it depends what area you live in. Around here 40 seems to be an average age.

Friend moved whilst pregnant with her 2nd and was considered incredibly old at 30. She joined a baby group and the rest of the mums were in their teens or very early 20s

My DAunt had her 1st at 34, and her 3rd at 42.

It might get harder as you get a little older, but that doesn't mean it won't happen.

Enjoy life, if you meet someone you think you would like to try to TTC with that's great, but also enjoy the life that you have now and the experiences you can have that aren't possible with small DCs. (Having said that, I was in my 30s having DD and as she's now an early teen, we are starting to get back to enjoying some things that were on hold for a number of years - although I am also looking forward to the day when my paycheck is mine again and not going straight back out on feeding/clothing/entertaining said teen!!!!! ).