‘You probably won’t have a baby now’

[User38583]

Sat with my friends at the weekend and another announced they were pregnant. They said it had taken a few months and been told it was because of her age (35). Im 35 too and 4 months older than her. My other friends turns to me and says well that’s probably it for you now user!

I want a family and I’m still single. I will be 36 next May.

I feel so depressed by it all. I’ve been obsessively reading of fertility too and I had to have a termination when I was 30 so always worried that would have an impact anyway. Now I’m analysing fertility everyday and worrying about it all so much.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I wouldn’t want to do it alone and so I need to find a partner. At best it would be a year or so. I’ve been to have a general check (not full fertility) and they seem to think it’s all pretty normal and won’t know if issues unless I start trying.

I feel so down about it.

Oh and I had also had a termination a decade before and an ectopic pregnancy too.

I was 38 when I married and 41 when dd was born. You have YEARS yet!!

Your friend is NOT a friend. You are still young enough.

Avoid them for a while. Stay around people who make you happy.
I wouldn't rule out going alone

@User38583

Thanks posters. It’s made me feel so shit and also made me think about the termination and all the worries about that have reared up again. Urgh life feels horrible sometimes. Xx

A termination does not affect your fertility, you made the decision that was right for yourself at the time. Don't punish yourself for that.

What a shitty thing to say, you either need new friends or tell her how she made you feel and see if she apologises

You did what was right for you when you were 30, don’t beat yourself up about it.

Take care

Your friend is a bit of a cow to say that.

Maternity wards are full of women over 30 many of whom have had previous things like terminations or infections. Yes statistics are what they are but your friend is wrong to say “that’s it” for you.

Speak to your GP for reassurance and confirmation but termination in itself has no impact on your future fertility (a myth) and did you have PiD? If so, the risk of infertility is very, very low. As long as you’re fit and healthy, I don’t see there being an issue whatsoever. Maybe get checked to see what your egg reserve is like.

Don’t give up hope - you’re far too young and have many years ahead.

My mom had me at 39 and my brother at 46. Many miscarriages in between, but two very loved children in the end. All is not lost OP. Cut that friend out though - she is not help at all.

newstarter I was medicated for PID but actually the only positive swabs that came back were for BV. I didn’t have an STI. I did have AN infection though and went for a check afterwards, couldn’t see anything wrong but also they would never say yes it’s all ok. Nobody knows until you try I guess.

Just feel very sad today and hurt and thinking about everything. Xx

Thank you for the kind posts. Her comment has really put me into a bit of a hole. I’m doing my best to keep dating and be strong but it’s not easy and a comment like that hits quite hard.

Going "alone" is not as easy as some people make out (there's a reason why children are born with 2 parents!) and it also intentionally deprives a child from having a dad in their lives. Do not rely on egg freezing (the optimum age to freeze is actually in your 20s or earlier), eggs generally don't freeze all that well - people peddle out "egg freezing" all the time without knowing the science behind it.

It's completely natural and normal to want to have a child with a man (after all that's how children are created in the first place!) Your best bet is to make as many opportunities as you can to meet suitable men. Try meetup groups, online dating, different hobbies (also increases chance of meeting someone with similar interests as you), tell other people to set you up, go to parties/gatherings/work socials etc. As others have said, yes fertility does decline but you're certainly not over the hill yet and you still have some more potential years. Relmebr that worrying about your fertility is going to make you any more fertile so try to focus on the present The good thing is now you can date more purposefully since you know you want kids soon (bin any timewasters ASAP) and there's never been as many potential opportunities to meet other people as there is now in our current social age (barring Covid19!) A lot of people also just meet their partner by chance which could certainly happen to you too.

*remember

*not going to make you any more fertile

Hi OP
Your friend is indeed a mean cow.
You could ask your go or get a private blood test to check your egg reserve, this will give you a good indication.
I had my 1st at 37 and last at 44.
You've got time.

What a horrible comment, who is so tactless as to say that?

Yes your fertility is a little lower than before 35 but lots have babies at 40/43. It may mean having kids a little earlier in a relationship than you would have at 25 but it's certainly not 'the end'

Oh and it's nothing to do with 'deserving it' so banish that from your mind

What she says is bollox- lots of women have children after that. A termination won'tve effected your fertility in any way, and I doubt an infection afterwards (which I think is fairly common) would either.

Don't read any more about fertility.

Distract yourself with activities you enjoy and things that make you feel good. xxxxx

Oh and I wouldn't have much more to do with that person.

@User38583

Thank you for the kind posts. Her comment has really put me into a bit of a hole. I’m doing my best to keep dating and be strong but it’s not easy and a comment like that hits quite hard.

maybe take a few weeks off of feeling you need to be strong and getting out there. that's very tiring.

its ok to feel sad and down about it. allow yourself the emotional space to do that before pushing yourself out there again.

and yeah as above, ditch the 'friend'. this person is not going to help you at this point in your life.

She's wrong (and not very nice!)

An ex colleague got pregnant at 38.Its not out of your reach at 36.

Someone said something similar to me in my early ish 30's.....I was single at the time. I went to marry at 39 abd hac a baby at 40. don't despair!

Well don't let her comment get you down because it's not even true! Horrible woman that she is! x

Sorry to hear about the infection you had. Is it worth asking to be referred for fertility tests to make sure it's not had a long term impact?
You were allowed to have a termination if that's what was right at the time. If it has affected your fertility you did not 'deserve' it in any way and you are entitled to treatment to help if that is possible.

Did you have counselling after your termination? Even if you did, it may be an avenue worth exploring again. You don't have to beat yourself up about it so continually.

Yes, time is not exactly on your side, but please don't despair and don't run off to the first half-way suitable man because you want a baby. It IS possible to go it alone, honestly.

Your friend was horribly tactless and very wrong. I guess she was trying to make a joke, but even so...

Your "friend" is an ass. That is such a thoughtless and terrible thing to say. I started trying to have children at 31 and it took 4 years and IVF for fertility problems unrelated to age. About 2 years in one of my friends who had 2 children and was trying for number 3 started calling us "infertility sisters" when she did not get pregnant first try since she always had in the past. I told her her "jokes" felt and she told me I was being stupid. Our friendship has never been the same and that is a good thing.
I know how it feels to think things might not turned out as hoped for and also what it is like to be in a peer group that makes pressure. You are still young and you don't know what the future holds.
I do think we have more control over things than we realize though. People tend to act in ways that reflect their priorities even if not articulated as such.
I have a friend in her 50s who is very angry she never married or had children. When we talk of any of her past relationship she is critical of her former partners clothes, family background, yadda yadda. That is all fair and no one should do something they don't want to do. But she prioritized having a partner of a certain background over marriage/kids. This is coming out a little "blame the victim" and that is not how I mean it. WHat I mean to say is that we make choices and that power should feel better than feeling like a victim. When I was 30 I met and married my ex-husband. He was very different from the kind of men I usually liked, but I knew I wanted children etc. I focused on his good qualities and had children. We lasted 16 years and then divorced. I struggle because it seems clear I never should have married him, but I really wanted children and that priority won out. I don't know if this is clear, but what I mean to say is think through what you want and keep your mind open. We have power and you will make the right decision for you. Just be sure to think things through so that you are at peace with whatever comes and don't get to a point where you feel like you had no control. Good luck and your friend bites.