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Original poster

‘You probably won’t have a baby now’

120 replies

User38583 · 27/08/2020 15:24

Sat with my friends at the weekend and another announced they were pregnant. They said it had taken a few months and been told it was because of her age (35). Im 35 too and 4 months older than her. My other friends turns to me and says well that’s probably it for you now user!

I want a family and I’m still single. I will be 36 next May.

I feel so depressed by it all. I’ve been obsessively reading of fertility too and I had to have a termination when I was 30 so always worried that would have an impact anyway. Now I’m analysing fertility everyday and worrying about it all so much.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I wouldn’t want to do it alone and so I need to find a partner. At best it would be a year or so. I’ve been to have a general check (not full fertility) and they seem to think it’s all pretty normal and won’t know if issues unless I start trying.

I feel so down about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
User38583 · 27/08/2020 18:09

Wow thanks so much for the responses. I feel less alone and less sacred!

I’ve spent half the day today feeling terrible and after reading these I feel a little stronger Flowers

OP posts:
laidbacklife · 27/08/2020 18:11

Everyone is different and mid-30s is definitely not too late. I don’t actually know anyone who started trying before mid 30s tbh. We all finished degrees, travelled, then built a career before settling down. Your friend was being rather thoughtless.

gumball37 · 27/08/2020 18:12

Take this for what it's worth.

I was 34 when I used ICI (meaning inseminated myself at home with frozen sperm from a sperm bank) and got pregnant on the first try with my daughter. She was born when I was 35. I did the same at 36... First try didn't take, second resulted in a very early miscarriage, third resulted in my son (so 4 months total including a break when I had the miscarriage).

Sometimes being a single parent is hard.. especially as I have no living family that could or would help. So it's me all the time... And any hired help... Like a cleaner or daycare.

And honestly... I'd rather see someone have a baby alone than to rush into a relationship just because they (thought they) were getting too old for kids.

Just think on it. Weigh things out. And remember not all partnerships last... So you could end up a single mom anyway... And from my experience (as my oldest is to my ex husband)... It's worse having a useless ex partner than it is just being a sole parent.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

Oh and your "friend" is a cunt for saying that.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 27/08/2020 18:15

@User38583 Would you consider sperm donation? What if you don't meet 'the one'. I always knew I wanted children/a child but at 32 I was single and starting to sense the clock ticking. Ds was a happy little un-planned miracle. But if I hadn't had him I couldn't have guaranteed me getting together with someone to do it all 'properly'. I've always been on my own with him and we are doing just fine Wink

WoolyMammoth55 · 27/08/2020 18:18

Hi OP, first up so sorry you're finding things tough right now. My heart goes out to you - it's horrible when someone makes a 'joke' that stabs you in the heart :(

Seems to me that there's 2 issues here which you're letting get all mixed up in your head:

  • first that you're very keen to be a mum and worried about being single and your age;
  • second that you had a termination and the infection after.

I had a termination in my mid-20s and also had issues afterwards - bled for about 6 months, not ideal! They never got to the bottom of what was up and it eventually resolved.

Wasn't sure about kids but then DH and I decided to try at 36 and fell pregnant first time of trying. After DS was born my thyroid went mad and we were advised against TTC for 3 years! Got the green light to try again in March and by end of April I was knocked up - due in Jan, when I'll be 40 and a half years old! All looking super healthy, fingers crossed...

But actually last night I had a nasty hormonal pregnancy dream where the doctor told me that because of my termination I'd have to terminate this one too :( There's such a lot of trauma and guilt about terminations, it's all still so taboo even though so common.

I think one really productive thing you could do might be to find a cousellor (if you can) to try to get some closure on the feelings you have around the termination? And you could also look into the egg freezing thing if you have funds, but as I said for me at 40 the eggs seem to be fine...

Lastly I'd just say, as I know PPs have said too, that amongst my friends it's gone all the ways - some folks unplanned pregnancies working out fine, some folks with all kinds of fertility challenges, some child-free by choice and loving it, some childless when they'd have loved kids but finding the upsides - which tend to be more cash and time to spend on yourself and your passions in your 40s and 50s!!

I wish you all the very best of luck whatever life gives you

gumball37 · 27/08/2020 18:19

I have to add... The "I don't deserve a child because I had a termination" thing is bullshit. We make decisions based on our current circumstances. That doesn't mean a decision at one time should mean we don't deserve a different path later on.

Mumwithapub · 27/08/2020 18:26

I had a termination in my 20s and felt crap about it for years, then went on to have my first at 44 don't give up hope and don't beat yourself up about it.

Riv · 27/08/2020 18:31

I understand exactly where you are coming from. It's the guilt about the termination that is the real problem in your worry I think.
I know many women who haven't felt ready to start a family until their late 30's. Usually because like you, they had been enjoying life, sorting careers and furthering their qualifications, they just didn't find the right man until then.
Amongst those women, I know of two who did the same as you and terminated their first pregnancy. One of them actually had three terminations within a few years of being 30 due to various domestic difficulties. Both conceived normally with partners hey met in their late 30's, within the expected time scale for their age. One now has two healthy little ones, the other has three.

badg3r · 27/08/2020 18:36

That was a really unkind thing for your friend to say. With my first, I went to baby swimming and literally every other woman in the class was in her early 40s with a less than 1 year old. I knew this because they were all discussing what they had done for their 40ths one day. I would not say it's too late at all at your age.

OceanSounds123 · 27/08/2020 18:40

Wow that was a very unkind and unsympathetic thing to say.I was 43 when I had my second ds.

biscuitcakes · 27/08/2020 18:45

I got pregnant with my kids at 33 and 36 and conceived first and second month of trying respectively. A work colleague had her last baby at 40. It's very personal - everyone's fertility is different. Termination wouldn't have affected your chances unless something went wrong, which you'd know by now.
Thoughtless friend. If you're worried, then maybe start thinking of a plan B to put your mind at rest. The only other thing that could scupper is if you have early menopause (which I think runs in families?!) or if you have existing problems which you wouldn't know of. Maybe a private clinic would run tests if you were happy to pay to, again, put your mind at rest? You may prefer not to know?
X

Whatabambam · 27/08/2020 19:02

I had a termination when I was in my early 20s and it haunts you in different ways. I was like you in that I thought I had messed with nature and therefore didn't deserve to conceive again. It's honestly not a pleasant feeling and is illogical when you think about it objectively. I think it's a nasty undercurrent of guilt that surfaces and plays out as a feeling that you don't deserve a second chance. Please tell these feelings to do one. You deserve happiness in the same way that everyone else does and the difficult choices that you made at the time because they were right for you will not play any part in your future.

Gemi33 · 27/08/2020 19:03

Hi OP

I'm in a similar position to you except I'm 37. It has hit me in the last few months that I have probably missed my chance to have children and I am finding it really hard, I feel so sad and feel conscious of the time ticking by. Having said that, it was very unkind of your friend to say that so insensitively and it's lovely to hear some positive responses on here suggesting there's still time so I really hope it happens for you.

xx

Poppyisa · 27/08/2020 19:10

That comment was v. Insensitive and unnecessary. Sorry you were on the receiving end of that.

I don’t know the circumstances for your termination, but I would say that it does prove your can get pregnant which you could perhaps look at as a positive. I don’t mean to overlook any upset or pain involved here, but I wanted to add an additional way of looking at this event.

Everyone’s fertility is different. And you are far from leaving it too late. Would you consider freezing eggs? Just to take the pressure off.

Anecdotally, I didn’t get married until late 30s, and got pregnant with my last at 44 and had the baby at 45. All healthy and uneventful. So please, do have hope.

JanewaysBun · 27/08/2020 19:24

Your friend is a twat and the only problem you have in this situation. I've posted the ages all my friends and family have had dc1 so you can see my annecdata for yourself
23, 29, 30,, 30 31, 31, 34,, 34, 34, 36, 36, 38, 39, 39, 39, 43, 41 39, 39

1 person I know couldn't have kids full stop but had been married for 20 years when they told be aged 40 so assume tried early.

A few friends decided that rather than to it alone they wouldn't have a kid if they didn't meet the right man. (And had no dc)

1 friend had a baby with A "good enough" BF. They aren't together any more but she likes being a single parent and their DD has a "fun, weekend Dad" and she has a weekend off!

HelloRose · 27/08/2020 19:53

What a horrible and insensitive comment by a clearly clueless friend.
I had my first baby at 35. I was worried I'd be the oldest in our nct group. I was the youngest!

Original poster
User38583 · 27/08/2020 20:06

Thanks so much. I agree there’s still feelings about the termination. It was a horrible time and only 5 weeks so strangely never really missed a period if that makes sense. It was almost like it hadn’t happened and the infection afterwards was BV so no idea if it ended up impacting anything longer term, I wasn’t told that it had but also never told all was always going to be ok either. Which I get, nobody is going to say that are they!

But every day I feel sad that I’m not having a baby and that it seems far off. It’s a horrible feeling and I worry most days about it. The idea of meeting someone and it falling into place seems so impossible that I struggle to picture it. It’s a lonely life sometimes no matter how full I fill my days xx

OP posts:
SoloMummy · 27/08/2020 20:28

@User38583

Sat with my friends at the weekend and another announced they were pregnant. They said it had taken a few months and been told it was because of her age (35). Im 35 too and 4 months older than her. My other friends turns to me and says well that’s probably it for you now user!

I want a family and I’m still single. I will be 36 next May.

I feel so depressed by it all. I’ve been obsessively reading of fertility too and I had to have a termination when I was 30 so always worried that would have an impact anyway. Now I’m analysing fertility everyday and worrying about it all so much.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I wouldn’t want to do it alone and so I need to find a partner. At best it would be a year or so. I’ve been to have a general check (not full fertility) and they seem to think it’s all pretty normal and won’t know if issues unless I start trying.

I feel so down about it.

In your position, and I was, I pursued becoming a mother via a sperm donor. If you want children, I'd say its better now than never. If there are issues you have time to resolve them. You probably don't have enough time to build a relationship, then ttc, potentially not succeed and start treatment without odds seriously reducing.
bakedoff · 27/08/2020 20:35

Stay away from people that say things like that. I had my 1st baby at 40 so her opinion is ridiculous. Go and get your fertility levels measured. It’s straightforward. You need an FSH and LSH test. Just say to the GP that you’re worried about fertility and want to know where you stand. It’s a blood test. At least then you’ll know.

Original poster
User38583 · 27/08/2020 20:37

What does the blood test show? A percentage chance? What’s it looking for to quantify it?

I think I would be scared to do it and wouldn’t know what to do with the answer anyway I don’t think. I don’t want to do it alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
User38583 · 27/08/2020 20:38

Thought you’re right who is going to want to have a baby quickly, probably nobody.

OP posts:
zaffa · 27/08/2020 20:38

Oh @User38583 Thanks what a twattish friend.
I had DD just before I turned 38, and I had no problems falling pregnant. (And I have a BMI over 30 so Extra complications)
Please don't let the twattish behaviour of someone with their own issues cause you another moment's worry.
I never thought I'd get married and have a baby back when I was 35, and yet here I am now with the baby and husband and happy home - it works out just as it should.
What's going on in twattish friends life? Are they jealous of you? Are they having their own issues with something to cause them to be so unkind or is this just who they are?

Original poster
User38583 · 27/08/2020 20:42

zaffa they have made some not so nice comments in the past but nothing that has hurt me like this one. The thing is she knows how bothered I am about it.

You sound like you met someone and it just fit into place quite quickly then? I do meet people but haven’t met someone I feel more for so far. Last relationship was 3 years ago now xx

OP posts:
zaffa · 27/08/2020 20:43

And also I didn't struggle to get pregnant either. We weren't even properly trying, just stopped using contraception as we thought it would take a while and it was pretty fast, so please ignore what your twattish friend said.

Do they have form for being unkind?

Original poster
User38583 · 27/08/2020 20:44

Thanks zaffa I think it’s also reared the termination worries and me having ruined it all a few years back by doing that. Today feels so hard xx

OP posts: