‘You probably won’t have a baby now’

[User38583]

Sat with my friends at the weekend and another announced they were pregnant. They said it had taken a few months and been told it was because of her age (35). Im 35 too and 4 months older than her. My other friends turns to me and says well that’s probably it for you now user!

I want a family and I’m still single. I will be 36 next May.

I feel so depressed by it all. I’ve been obsessively reading of fertility too and I had to have a termination when I was 30 so always worried that would have an impact anyway. Now I’m analysing fertility everyday and worrying about it all so much.

I don’t know what I’m asking really. I wouldn’t want to do it alone and so I need to find a partner. At best it would be a year or so. I’ve been to have a general check (not full fertility) and they seem to think it’s all pretty normal and won’t know if issues unless I start trying.

I feel so down about it.

What a smug and obnoxious comment! Does she have form for this kind of thing? As others have said there’s a really good chance, mid-30’s still leaves you time

What a horrible, insensitive thing to say. I get it OP, I’m currently 36 and single too, I’d really hoped that this would be the year I finally met someone decent and planned to get out there as much as possible but then COVID-19 happened and I got told to shield . 35 was a real turning point for me too. I’d always wanted kids and had I met the right person I would have had them in my 20s but what made it worse was at 35 I got to be on the receiving end of lots of AWFUL insensitive comments from women who already had kids and just wanted to gloat and put me down (including, “even if you got pregnant in a couple of years you’d be so old the baby might be born dead like my daughter’s and you’d never get over it”...I sobbed for hours after the one).

Now...

There is still time.

My Mum had me 6 weeks prior to her 39th birthday. She’d had an abortion just a few years before and an infection post surgery. I was a contraception failure. So it can happen.

Another friend aged 38 has just had a contraception failure and now has the baby girl she never thought she’d ever had. Easy pregnancy and birth.

Our granny’s and great granny’s would have been having babies well into their 40s.

Yes, fertility declines but it doesn’t drop off a cliff. Some people that couldn’t get pregnant in their 30s and early 40s wouldn’t have been able to at 18 or 25. Don’t write yourself off yet. You got pregnant at 30. That’s a positive sign although I understand it’s also a terribly painful memory. Point is...you have evidence that you CAN get pregnant. What happened in the past will not make you infertile. Please don’t be so harsh towards yourself...you must have been in a place that was very difficult. Please try and work on forgiving yourself.

I assume that your “friend” is going to stop using contraception now that she is mid thirties decrepit and barren?! She’s in for a shock if so.

Keep putting yourself out there. Get quick at sifting through men who don’t have your best interests at hard and who have no plans to commit. Get reading up on relationships as much as possible. Make that your focus. You are only looking for ONE man. That’s all it takes. Increase your odds by meeting as many as you can. Good luck x

Had a termination when I was younger. Now I’m 33 and desperately trying for a baby, and the thought of the child I might have had does tend to get in my head at times. It’s easier to give advice out rather than follow it though, so here goes: forget the child you might have had, and look forward to the one you will have. They will not be the same person and neither will you. Things happen when they are meant to. I’m younger than you and having loads of trouble, and I know plenty of women who have been much older and got pregnant straight away. You need to stop doing your own head in. And ditch your ‘friend’ if she comes out with any more crap like that. We are all here together, just doing the best we can. You sound like a good person OP, hold on to that.

User38583 I was also told I had an infection and started on antibiotics but the swab came back negative! My GP said the risk of infertility is soooooo low, it’s not even a concern. Then I fell pregnant and had a termination. I have no worries and I am the same age as you. Chin up, you’ve been pregnant before, which means it can happen again!

It was a mean thing to say, you could still have children it is possible but if you want it to be within a stable relationship time is obviously against you. I think the fact you acknowledge your age is far better than one of my close friends, she doesn't seem to think time is an issue at 36 and is bobbing along as if she's 25. She's in a same sex relationship so it isn't just a case of have sex, but she's not even started to look into things. I think denial like hers is far worse, though I'd never be the one to say "looks like you missed the boat".

People on here will always come on and say "I had a baby naturally at 48, first month trying and it was all great" but the reality is the closer you get to 40 the lower your egg quality and the higher chance of miscarriage. You've got to be realistic and it sounds like you are, maybe look into egg freezing if you don't want a baby alone?

I think maybe it was a joke but obviously going to be hurtful.

I did have checks afterwards following the termination and treatment for infection and nothing was said about any harm but also nobody said yes you’ll definitely be pregnant.

I’m just quite low about it all and haven’t stopped thinking about it since she said it. Life is hard sometimes I guess.

Awful thing to say.

I should imagine they were trying to be funny, but obviously totally the wrong topic.

Hmmm, yeah, I wouldn't take a blind bit of notice of that.

I was told the same by a GP, my Gp in fact, a qualified medical doctor who knew my gynae history. And I was 44. Wrong! DS was a lovely surprise. He's munching toast in front of me.

That’s really nasty if your friend OP.

Could you try to look at the positive of your termination - that you know you can get pregnant? I’m no expert but I think this would make it more rather than less likely you can get pregnant in the future.

And 35 is no age! I remember reading (in the DM, oh the shame, sorry!) of a woman who got pregnant naturally at the age of 52.

Tell your smug friend to F off - plenty of people have healthy babies post 35. If question if she's really your friend at all!

Ah, the ol 35 cliff.

Which doesn't exist.

I was told I was embarrassing myself when I said most women in their late 30s can have children; I looked line and the NHS fertility website had a factoid on its main page stating that 90% of women under 40 fall pregnant within two years of trying. The poster who told me I was embarrassing myself didn't respond to that oddly.

Most of the women in my antenatal group were mid to late 30s.

You've been checked out and it seems there's nothing standing out. The infection was dealt with or cleared up, right?

Millions of women have had terminations and gone on to have children.

Keep dating as much as you can, you still have time bit obviously the sooner the more ideal.

38 here.
Just had a healthy second child .
With lots of fibroid.
And 2 previous terminations(not proud of this at all )
Am still hoping to have one more at 42.

but also nobody said yes you’ll definitely be pregnant.

Nobody's going to say that to anyone. Some twenty somethings have fertility problems.

You've got years yet. I was 38 with my first and 41 with second.

But you can do it alone too if it's something you really want. Don't rule it out.

Good luck whatever you choose

Hi OP. Your friend who fell pregnant within a few months at 35 I think that is quick even if you was 21! I got pregnant at 23 and it took me 6 months. Lots of women feel like you do OP at least you are aware but I don’t think it’s too late for you. I just think that when you do meet someone you may be best trying quite soon and if you want more than one child have then close together.
I would love another child and I’m 29 I feel similar in all honesty.

Fwiw my great aunt, ex neighbour, and school mate's mother had children at 45, they were as embarrassed as anything else.

We were disgusted as teenagers, we didn't think people over 30 had sex.

Here in NI/border with Ireland, it was very very common for women to have children til early forties, sometimes later, due to contraception ban.

Wow what an awful friend. I hope shes an ex friend now.

Just wanted to say, my mum had my older sister at 39, me when she was 42 and my sister at 46. Dont give up hope x

Some people always decide to chip in with totally unwanted advice dont they? Did you have counselling following your termination .Might be a good idea maybe ,as you say you dont "deserve" to become pregnant .Most women have abortions through necissity, and would not have chosen that route.You have nothing to feel guilty about at all!Your "friend"sounds a bit toxic to me .Does she have DC or is she hoping to deflect her own worries on to you? I would ignore her!

Dump the so called friend and focus on what you want and go get it!

If you don’t try, it won’t happen. I tried for 15 years and it didn’t happen. I’ve since had hysterectomy and I’m ancient now. But if I hadn’t tried In my 20s and 30s I would have regrets. But I don’t, it just wasn’t meant to be. I have two very gorgeous teenagers to keep me up at night. I didn’t give birth to them but I’m more than ok with that.

Stop thinking about your past and get a plan in place for becoming a mum one day - it doesn’t have to be conventional 😆.

Hi OP. I met my husband when I was 37. Married at 38, and had my first baby at 39 (after a miscarriage), and second at 41. OK, so fairly quick moving, but it can and does happen. I had practically given up hope. As a midwife I also know plenty of women who had a baby later in life. It's not too late.

I'm also sorry your friend was unkind and thoughtless. Take care.

@User38583

I think maybe it was a joke but obviously going to be hurtful.

I did have checks afterwards following the termination and treatment for infection and nothing was said about any harm but also nobody said yes you’ll definitely be pregnant.

I’m just quite low about it all and haven’t stopped thinking about it since she said it. Life is hard sometimes I guess.

Jokes are supposed to be funny!

Don't give her more opportunities to make 'jokes' at your expense. And please don't minimise. She really hurt your feelings. A friend does not do that.

Did you have counselling following your termination .Might be a good idea maybe ,as you say you dont "deserve" to become pregnant .Most women have abortions through necessity, and would not have chosen that route.

I forgot to say something like this.

My friend had her first, unassisted at 45, 3 years after she gave up any hope. Embrace life, what will be will be

Sorry @GilbertMarkham but "the NHS fertility website had a factoid on its main page stating that 90% of women under 40 fall pregnant within two years of trying" does not mean that those at the top of the age range all find it as easy as those at the bottom of the age range. The distribution is likely to mean that the other 10% is mainly accounted for by those nearer to 40.