new to dating..am i expecting more than i should? (money)

[user1464836]

NC for this as expect people will want to jump to conclusions.

I don’t earn huge amounts, by that I mean I’m not wealthy. I own my own home, mortgaged, worth around 350. I earn around 55k. I’m 36.

After a relationship breakdown last year, I’ve started dating and find that there are so many men who don’t earn near this and they seem to assume I will pay for things. Even when it’s said in jest I hate it. And no I’ve not said what my salary is but my job title and the area I live suggests I earn well I guess?! Am I being unreasonable to expect to meet someone who earns similar to me and has also made a start on getting on the property ladder?

I know it ‘shouldn’t matter’ but there’s something unattractive about feeling I have to provide for these men. I have met others that earn more or similar but then they tend to not have even invested in a place and just live one day to the next. It bothers me but is this just the norm and am I expecting too much?

For me, him being able to cover himself on dates should be the bare minimum for him to be dating in the first place.

You're entitled to have whatever non negotiables on top of that you like.

I'm 31 and dont date students and only date ppl if they drive (unless they live nearby). Those are my non negotiables.

Your non (or not very) negotiables are: own a home and similar earning potential.

Yours are a little more restrictive than mine but you are entitled to them. Just be aware that finding a nice man is hard enough as is and sometimes there has to be a little give. Even in the areas we originally thought were most important. Also, that they may have similarly strict non negotiables.

I would only see someone who can cover their share or treat me as equally as I treat them. I'd happily go somewhere that suites the smaller budget though.

I find it frustrating as there seem to be few men bothered by this and think it’s ok to just not be arsed. One man I met was great but when the bill came he said let’s spilt it...he’d ordered a starter and alcohol (I had lemonade) and a pricey main course. He’d asked my salary during the date too.

I would find that incredibly rude someone asking my salary during a first date!!

I think you will have to be pickier, choose men to date with a higher earning job title, don't discuss salaries. Don't date them again if they ask to split the bill, it might be an old fashioned view but I think the man should offer to pay on first date, then if you've had an equal amount then fair enough offer to pay half but just a lemonade? That's really tight of him. With my bf, he pays some of time then I do but splitting I can't be dealing with.

Why are you discussing money on first dates etc?
They must suspect you earn more if they are insisting you pay!

See he was a rotten one though op.

Asking someone their salary on a first date is beyond cheeky.

And when he said to split the bill you should have said 'I'm happy to pay my way but you bought more than me so we'll each cover our own share'.

Boundaries are important op or piss takers will take the piss.

But that guy gave you two red flags (at least) so you should have gone home knowing he wasnt to be met up with again (hopefully).

Whether you're "old fashioned" and think men should pay or not, it's deeply unattractive to start out so unequally. Over time, if there are financial disparities, this is (hopefully) made up by a combination of alternative contributions and a deep respect for each other. Lots of relationships are between people who don't earn the same, but I would argue that in those cases, you adjust accordingly. eg I dated a man who earnt a LOT more than me. He, bless him, was happy to pay often but also was totally fine when it was "my turn" and we did something much less expensive. He would take me out for fancy meals but I'd pay when we popped into the pub or if we spent a day together he'd insist on paying for lunch but I'd pay for coffees or whatever. And I think that he liked that I DID offer to pay - he didn't mind paying, and could afford it, but at the same time, neither of us wanted to feel like he was paying for my time.

I just can’t seem to find anyone with similar outlook to this stuff. It’s so frustrating. I agree they should offer to pay, i would have offered my share. and yes asking about salary was odd, he started out telling me his then asked me

Where on earth did you find him OP? There’s zero reason to discuss salary on the first date and he should have acknowledged that his “half” was a lot more than yours

I’d suggest just going for a drink on a first date, I’ve been on many many dates over a period of about 5 years and I’d be bankrupt if they were all fancy dinners. Also I find you can tell very early on whether you like someone or not and then have the opportunity to leave after a drink or two which makes dating much more painless!

Maybe try a dating site aimed at professionals, if you're online dating?

Maybe be a bit vague about where you live and your job when starting out with a new bloke.

I don’t let men pay for me and I don’t pay for them either. We go halves.

I have a boyfriend now and we split or take turns and no one does anything unless we can both afford to.

£55k is a high salary! Paying for yourself is the norm these days until it's serious and then it's dependent on the couple.

@user1464836

I find it frustrating as there seem to be few men bothered by this and think it’s ok to just not be arsed. One man I met was great but when the bill came he said let’s spilt it...he’d ordered a starter and alcohol (I had lemonade) and a pricey main course. He’d asked my salary during the date too.

This is when you say, 'No, I'll pay for what I had,' and don't see him again.

I never did halves whilst dating, always paid for what I had. Salary discussion on first date? Nope.

These men are doing you a favour by showing who they are early-on, before they have wasted more of your time and money. I am older than you and very financially independent. Like yourself I have a profession that people would associate with money, and then they find out about the property investment as well. I don't advertise this early-on but if they stick around, it is inevitable they find out something of your life. I have attracted a number of cocklodger types who think I am their fairy godmother who will bless them with housing, holidays, gifts, cars and hand-outs. Dating in this century has been a learning curve for me. I would never date anyone who wasn't from a similar professional background/ standing again, and who wasn't on solid financial ground. I recommend the same for you. Be proud of your achievements and earning potential. You worked hard, and should have a partner who appreciates that...not a loser who wants to scrounge off you. If men ask you about your income/ salary...tell them you don't discuss as it is crass, or tell them you have large financial commitments...see if they run away. I have had two boyfriends take me on mystery 'dates' initiated by them...a surprise they have said...turned out it was an appointment with an estate agent to view large family homes they could never afford on their own. Both serious ex's have proposed too quickly, wanted to have shared property etc...don't get in a trap with a man over money, enjoy your financial freedom.

I did a lot of dating before meeting my now husband. 9 / 10 times on a first date, the bill was split - one one occasion one didn't even put his hand in his pocket. The date with my now husband was completely different, he insisted on paying for everything, which came as a bit of a surprise!

Maybe you’re just a bit tight? It’s fairly standard to spilt the bill even if one person has bought more and 55k is a huge amount to a lot of people.

Yeah maybe regular I definitely prefer men to offer to pay on first date. After that if I like them then money doesn’t really matter but where there’s an obvious sense that they want to rely on my income it is unattractive. 55 is enough of course but at almost 40 I would expect most men to be on similar pay if not more.

Next time you mention your address say you only lodge there. Weedle put the leeches...

I wouldn't tell them you lodge there - if a bloke told me he was a lodger in his 40s I wouldn't be interested as Id wonder why he didn't have his financial shit together

I would expect someone in their mid-30s to be earning a decent salary and own their own home. I also earn similar to what you do and would also think a man in his mid to late 30s should earn the same of more. My husband earned less than i did when we met but he was 25 and I was 29. Now three years later he earns the same really and will earn more from next week. he's early in his career and will likely go up quickly whereas mine is likely to be more limited.

You are sorely mistaken about income. The average wage in England is under 30k. If your friends and relatives have professional careers and therefore salaries you will have made assumptions of what a standard income is.

You should be splitting the bill. No way should actual wages be discussed. If someone tells you their job role it’s possible to have a rough idea unless self employed or a job that’s commission based. Though my solicitor mate only earns around 35k so not exactly a high flier.

My friend who is on about 50k married a guy on minimum wage. She is happy, no kids and no chance as she married at 47. I thought she should have lived with him in case they break up. But that’s practical non romantic me. I went off him when I found out he was actually living with someone else when they met online.

I think it was rude of them to split it if you'd had unequal amounts of food etc, but I do think you have a bit of an unrealistic view regarding money. 55k is an extremely decent wage - I'm a similar age to you and very few of my friends, male or female, earn that much. How do you know that somebody hasn't just worked really hard but been made redundant or been ill or something? If it's that important to you perhaps you should put a minimum salary requirement on your dating profile

I have had similar experiences to you, OP, and have found myself in countless situations where I have ended up shelling out for men out of awkward politeness/because they have been so brass necked. I have also been surprised by the amount of adult men who do not have their shit together and just seem to be waiting for a woman to come along and sort their life out for them.

I guess yes maybe I am being unrealistic, obviously my main comparison is those I work with on similar salaries.

I just think at nearly 40 I would like someone to at least match my salary and also have some sort of home sorted out and given thought to that.

Most people I’ve matched with are quite happy earning 25/30k and make it clear they will let me take the main share of expenses.