new to dating..am i expecting more than i should? (money)

[user1464836]

NC for this as expect people will want to jump to conclusions.

I don’t earn huge amounts, by that I mean I’m not wealthy. I own my own home, mortgaged, worth around 350. I earn around 55k. I’m 36.

After a relationship breakdown last year, I’ve started dating and find that there are so many men who don’t earn near this and they seem to assume I will pay for things. Even when it’s said in jest I hate it. And no I’ve not said what my salary is but my job title and the area I live suggests I earn well I guess?! Am I being unreasonable to expect to meet someone who earns similar to me and has also made a start on getting on the property ladder?

I know it ‘shouldn’t matter’ but there’s something unattractive about feeling I have to provide for these men. I have met others that earn more or similar but then they tend to not have even invested in a place and just live one day to the next. It bothers me but is this just the norm and am I expecting too much?

Yes exactly that, quite happy to just slip into my life like that and not be bothered about their own career progression. Fine if you want to live that way but then don’t book nice restaurants and talk about fancy holidays!!

A salary of 55k puts you in the top 10% of earners. Well done you!

Sadly that restricts your dating pool if you insist on financial parity. At your age you may also be attracting men who are divorced/separated/have children, further reducing their assets and disposable income.

That said I think you have met some rude and measly men.

backwards I did think that maybe because of my age I won’t meet someone who is single and has a decent job.... maybe that’s the problem?!

I know 55 is a good salary I just think at almost 40 most men should want to be on more than 30, and it doesn’t seem that way

You're not being unreasonable at all. I think usually by mid 30s people should be on their way career wise and even if they're not quite where you are they should be in a career that is leading to the kind of ballpark that you are also going for.

I think mid 30s is really young to be earning what you are (well done!) so maybe be a little bit open minded as long as they are earning well and have a good trajectory.

Oo never discuss money and wages on a first date
I think it’s better to make out that you earn 20k ish And a vague hint of your job
Eg I always tell people that I work in a dental practice- I let them assume I’m a receptionist. There’s nothing wrong with that job But it’s not what I do
I feel that you don’t have to tell them everything and certainly not on the first date

You sound very money orientated. Some people love their jobs but they don’t pay £30k a year and £55k is a big salary.

You have probably missed the boat a bit anyway unless you date younger. Most decent men of 36 or over are already snapped up and a lot of high earners don’t give a shit how much their partner earns, they just want them to look nice.

BB I think that could be the case, it might just be not many higher earners left at this age!!

I’m not money oriented but I am security orientated. It’s the men who want to do pricey things but can’t afford it that is irritating. So in that case I would prefer they earned at least the same.

Going Dutch is generally the classy thing to do on dates isn’t it? It’s bizarre for anyone to expect to be paid for nowadays I think.

OP I am fairly money driven, I earned 70k at 28 but then destroyed my career by switching sector, having a baby and moving to the middle of nowhere I'm clawing my way back up...

But lots of people - women and men - aren't. People who have vocations or creative passions or interests outside of work.

If it's important to you then honestly, that's fine. Stick with it.

Yeah OP I cannot earn £55k, it isn't possible in my job. Not unless I materially change the fabric of what I do (clinical role in the NHS). Because my pay scale stops before £55k. I am reasonably senior, and I wouldn't say this is unusual.

I have 2 careers and don't know many people in either of them earning £55k. Conversely I know a lot of people who DO earn more than that but they are in completely different job roles. I wouldn't say that a senior charge nurse is a crap aspiration or is not valuable to society but you would not earn that outside of London in that role - because band 7 out of London top spine point is £44,503 per annum...

But YANBU to want people to be reasonably self sufficient and have made steps to consider the future etc. As for expecting you to pay, they can fuck off thinking you are going to be their meal ticket. That's just rude. I'd say the same if it were a woman thinking it about a rich man too.

I think you are over thinking people's salaries .... I have no idea what most people earn unless they are in exactly the same area of employment as me (retail - so not much ).

Why are you focusing on what they earn and where they live? Surely what's important is if they are genuinely nice people, don't choose expensive restaurants, go out for pizza or coffee and cakes so that you are not worrying about the bill.

And you don't have to tell people exactly what you do - in my profession (retail), I've held both senior management roles with company car, good salary (nowhere near your's though ) etc etc and shelf stacker roles ... I tell people I am 'in retail' .... I am exactly the same person whether I have a high salary or earn NMW.

I think if someone is expecting an 'expensive meal or date' that is just plain rude, bin them.

Tbf though op if you cant be secure with a 56k income alone, even without extra income from him if you were to marry and say, something happened whereby he could no longer work... it's just 56k is a lot of money to make in a year.

I stand by what I said earlier in that it's your prerogative to want what you want but...if I earned that much I think it would broaden the ppl I dated if anything. Because if you already have plenty of money...then he doesnt have to.

I'd be happy if he earned half what you make in a year, as long as he was in stabelish employment in your shoes. He wouldn't have to be rich if I was...just hot xD

Also, you talk about stability ect...surely most people can get by comfortable on 30k per year. More than comfortably. Unless they are spending way beyond their means on designer shit or something. Trying to be something they arent.

You also talk about ambition..maybe that's something you look for in a partner. But some people dont strive to be promoted or rise through the ranks. They just want an east life, doing a job they love.

Sorry that first part didnt make sense. Just basically saying that if you are minted, does he really also need to be minted?

Sorry, but you are not actually coming across well OP. Perhaps you don't intend it, but you are beginning to sound mean and narrow minded when perhaps what's lacking is effective communucation.

£55k and a mortgage may seem normal in your chosen field in your location but there is a difference between what someone earns and what their worth is. We all know there is a disparity between some private sector roles and public sector pay. What about highly qualified men who've spent their twenties and early thirties having to move between places for progression, or having large amounts of training debt which prevents them from buying property? Doctors, lawyers, architects?

As for splitting the bill, that's just straight up politeness from the start if that is important to you. 'I'm comfortable ordering and paying for my own food OK?' sets the tone. Just the same as I would in any shared meal. Experience has told me it's human nature for some people to take the piss, ordering more when bills are going to be split. Just like for some people money isn't important so it simply doesn't occur to them someone else might feel differently.

Be clear on setting your own expectations for people. They can't mind read.

Fwiw, I met my husband online. He rented, I owned my own house. He earned more, I had more investments. Over the 18 years we've been together, I have been the bigger earner, he has, we've both had periods of being the main earner whilst the other studied. We've worked every fulltime/part time combination to suit childcare. At each point, it's been about talking through each others concerns.

I tell you what though, he's a lot happier as a lower paid teacher than he was in Sales (he gets to see our kids in daylight) and I'm a lot happier in lower paid health care than HR. We might earn less but I'd say our value is higher.

OP you’re not being unreasonable, i think you’re just poorly matched with the guys you’re dating. If you’re a London single professional that’s probably a 1 bed or studio in a nice area, and moving up the ladder in a decent professional or corporate field, or depending on the field maybe starting into management.

What kind of men are you dating, and what are your criteria? Personally I find I only really date people in a similar sort of professional and life situation to me, I know a lot of people would consider it closed minded but different things make different people happy! Have never found myself on a date where I’m feeling like Bill Gates, i can imagine it would be very awkward!

I think it helps to be brutally honest with yourself about what you actually want before you go on a date—like he’s a great guy, but not for me. There are a lot of guys who would be a good match!

And be open minded, but don’t lower your expectations. Someone with a brilliant, stable but not super high flying career like in medicine is no worse a bet than a flashy finance guy who spends it all. But RUN from any guy who thinks you’re going to be a sugarmommy!!
Also I’d never tell a person on a first date my actual salary? They would be able to guess the band from my lifestyle, but I would be a bit weirded out if they bandied the numbers sound.

I see what you're saying OP. You don't want to be taken advantage of with regards with the expectation of paying for things.
That is fair enough.
But be careful not to judge someone what they earn as you don't want to be judged either.
You could meet a guy who earns more/equivalent than you but be a complete arse hole.
Money also doesn't always equal happiness or tell you where someone is in life. A big mortgage by yours 40s doesn't make you a better catch if you're a shit person along with it.
I agree it is what value a person have. That and manners.

You are being incredibly tight, on your massive salary, to start nit picking about who had what when splitting a bill two ways on first meeting . Fair enough if you were both students, or if you were on universal credit or something, but if you aren't willing to overpay a few £ to keep things simple when first dating, I don't think that makes you a very attractive person to be meeting up with for a second date.

I agree they should offer to pay, i would have offered my share.

What ??? Have we done some sort of time travel here ?
Can you explain to me why on earth having a penis means you should have to offer to pay for the meal ? It is a long long time since my dating days, but even all those decades ago, I would presume a first date is paid for between the two of you.

I’m not money oriented
That's not the impression you are giving on this thread.
Surely, knowing you are able to support yourself, and therefore not "being a gold digger" yourself, then you should be looking for a partner who is kind, and shares some of your interests, and shares your sense of humour, is available, and interested in you. That is probably all the limitations you should put if you want to find 'the one'. Yes, of course you can rule out people doing something like 90% of jobs if you want to, but that is going to narrow down the pool of available possible dates I'd have thought.

I think if someone is expecting an 'expensive meal or date' that is just plain rude, bin them
and yet, that is what the OP is expecting. that the man offers to pay the whole meal (although she will then 'offer her share' - not even 'to go halves')

Soot on BackforGood

If I posted I’d been on a date and didn’t offer to pay but expected to go halves, or maybe even, shock horror, she offered to pay and I accepted (has happened) I’d be called tight. And worse

Just pay for what you actually ordered, plus a bit for a tip. It's really not rocket science. Then bin these cheap Mofos after.

I don't understand why you expect them to pay on the first date? Surely you'd go Dutch! I'm older than you, as is my DH and we don't earn your salary but we didn't expect the man to pay the first date. Whatever happened to the equality you're banging on about?

I think both men and women should go on dates with the expectation of paying their share. Why are you going out if you have no money? It’s rude to assume the other person will cover your bill, especially on a first date or if you’ve gone out of your way to order something expensive.

Also you can be earning 20/30 k (which is quite normal) and still have ambition.
You can earn less than 50k and still work hard.
Doesn't mean you shouldn't go halves on a date but what someone earns isn't all they are.

What ??? Have we done some sort of time travel here ?

Errrr, I don’t know what to tell you as you’ve clearly been living under a rock all these decades. I’ve only been alive for 2 decades and even I know that it’s been a traditional cultural norm for men to pay on dates - perhaps have a google of the concept of “chivalry”? And before you start on me next, I’m not saying men should pay on dates - I’m just saying that for a very long time it has been a societal norm so it’s ridiculous to act unawares