new to dating..am i expecting more than i should? (money)

[user1464836]

NC for this as expect people will want to jump to conclusions.

I don’t earn huge amounts, by that I mean I’m not wealthy. I own my own home, mortgaged, worth around 350. I earn around 55k. I’m 36.

After a relationship breakdown last year, I’ve started dating and find that there are so many men who don’t earn near this and they seem to assume I will pay for things. Even when it’s said in jest I hate it. And no I’ve not said what my salary is but my job title and the area I live suggests I earn well I guess?! Am I being unreasonable to expect to meet someone who earns similar to me and has also made a start on getting on the property ladder?

I know it ‘shouldn’t matter’ but there’s something unattractive about feeling I have to provide for these men. I have met others that earn more or similar but then they tend to not have even invested in a place and just live one day to the next. It bothers me but is this just the norm and am I expecting too much?

I live in London and most of my friends earn in excess of 60K up to around 300K per annum. However most don't have partners who earn anywhere near as much so I'd say they are exceptions to the rule. Plus despite their salaries, they don't look for anyone in the same salary bracket at all, just decent people who are friendly etc. Echoing previous posters, look for those who aren't chancers etc, who discuss money early on.

I don't understand why anyone should pay for another on a first date. Do you see it as some huge favour or job that needs paying for? I always viewed a first date as an equal thing, not a situation where you need to be paid for your time.

@Penguinnn Do you never get on a bus then, and see the driver, or in a taxi and see that driver, or a train or a tube and see the people who work at the ticket barriers? Do you not have cleaners in your workplace? Or receptionist? Or admin staff ? Do you never go in shops and see retail staff ? Do you never see people picking up litter and cleaning streets? Have you never seen someone digging a hole in the road? Have you never been to a bar and seen bar staff? Have you never been out for a meal and seen a waiter? Don't know if you have dc, but you are probably aware that teacher exist? People that work in Nurseries ? Fire fighters ? Prison Officers? Do you ever pick up a takeaway coffee ? Have you been to a tourist attraction and bought a ticket off someone? Or seen security staff standing outside buildings ?

Most people - even in London - are NOT on £50K +

BackforGood this is my point! I wouldn’t use Zone 2 as a benchmark for how nobody could possibly earn less than a fortune either - I’m sitting eating my lunch looking at the Houses of Parliament and our work car park is next to a large council estate only 5 mins walk away. I am pretty sure they’re not on £55k.

What they mean and other people saying everyone they know is on a high salary is, everyone they deem to be worthwhile as a human being is on a high salary, everyone else is undateable as they don’t count.

Hilariously this would exclude doctors, west end leading men, reasonably high ranking service personnel...

Wow ! you earn 55k and think you are not wealthy! And are separated with a mortage and live in nice area
You do know these are things most people can only dream of

Dates specially first ones should be 50/50

I don't think you are unreasonable at all; if a man hasn't embarked on adult life by his mid-30s, when will he? If anyone asks you your salary just put them firmly in their place. And, no, it's not being tight to resent subsidising someone's expensive meal on a first date - but why didn't you speak up? Don't feel awkward - he's the one who should feel embarrassed, not you. Above all, remember that you don't need a man! Might be nice to have one - but far better a happy spinster than subsidising mummy's boys and loser.

I get you OP. When I was dating years ago I had saved hard, made good career choices, had my own house and car. Saved hard so I could have time off when I had kids, if and when of course.

But then I had dates, and male friends who hadn't saved and didn't have a house. If I had ended up with one of these guys the life I had sacrificed and saved for was not going to be as I would have to support the guy. It didn't sit right. Maybe they werei the right guys tho.

It's very odd to think dates shouldn't be 50:50, of course they should .

But equally I'd expect both parties to keep things relatively equitable by not ordering very expensive drinks/food.

In the beginning, only agree to go for dates which involve a coffee, a walk in the park, a drink in a pub etc. Although you are seeing their bad points quickly with these dinners.

I get it OP. You are not money oriented it's just that you want to share your life with someone who is in the same position as you. In your dates from now on I would insist you only pay for what you have.