new to dating..am i expecting more than i should? (money)

[user1464836]

NC for this as expect people will want to jump to conclusions.

I don’t earn huge amounts, by that I mean I’m not wealthy. I own my own home, mortgaged, worth around 350. I earn around 55k. I’m 36.

After a relationship breakdown last year, I’ve started dating and find that there are so many men who don’t earn near this and they seem to assume I will pay for things. Even when it’s said in jest I hate it. And no I’ve not said what my salary is but my job title and the area I live suggests I earn well I guess?! Am I being unreasonable to expect to meet someone who earns similar to me and has also made a start on getting on the property ladder?

I know it ‘shouldn’t matter’ but there’s something unattractive about feeling I have to provide for these men. I have met others that earn more or similar but then they tend to not have even invested in a place and just live one day to the next. It bothers me but is this just the norm and am I expecting too much?

I meant a treat you pay for!

I just think at almost 40 most men should want to be on more than 30*

My DH would give his eye teeth to be on £30k. He works extremely hard, has applied for many jobs, has had a lot of bad luck and been made redundant too. He is extremely highly regarded at work, has a fair amount of responsibility, but the sector he is in doesn't pay anything like that much. You come across as extremely judgemental - I agree that the men you've mentioned don't seem exactly catch of the year, but perhaps you need to look at your own attitude too.

I'm surprised you're struggling to find similar ages men on similar salaries. It's not unreasonable for you to want compatibility in that respect.

Of course it's not unreasonable to want anything. But given that only 10% of the population earns that kind of salary, it's not very likely that you'll find one who's straight, available, interested in you and who you're also interested in yourself.

I agree with OP. I wouldn't want someone who wants to come along for the ride.

Don't want to be looked at like a package deal that comes with a nice lifestyle and house to move into.

I think someone with passion for what they do, irreverent to salary, but who's will to pay their own way. Is different.

This is not on the bill should be split . Especially if you don’t know them . How cheeky of them !

There's a reason you're still single OP...

We are both professionals with post graduate degrees and neither of us has ever made £55k individually yet

Same here, and I'm well into my 50s. You have some sort of tunnel vision when it comes to what you think people earn OP

I think he's the one who has ha a lucky escape.

Personally I've always had men insist on paying for the 1st dates but I'd only agree if I knew I'd be seeing them again. With my current partner, he hasn't got much due to his current role and we have gone halves from the start and it actually suits me well. We've had to take a new approach to dating because of covid so eating in a lot, picnics etc. I also think someone can earn a lot of money but not be generous. So you might need to look beyond salaries specifically. My best friend met someone in the 100k Mark as she is, and so it can be done!

You have to watch out for the cocklodgers as there are plenty of them out there.

I'd stick with dating guys who are stable in their career regardless of what that is. No hobby jobs, where they just know it'll be their big break.
Someone who is responsible.

No guys that still live at home, haven't saved a dime etc.

How on earth do they know how much you earn in the first place? Why is it relevant unless it specifically comes up in conversation or you're serious enough where you're discussing how things would work living together with finances etc. You shouldn't be volunteering info about your salary, risky you'll attract freeloader guys.

55k is a LOT of money, even for London/South East, doubly so if you're up North. You're well above the average wage. However doesn't mean you should be paying for everything. I suspect the problem lies with the guys you're attracting if you're telling them about how much money you earn so early on...

@BBY6

You sound very money orientated. Some people love their jobs but they don’t pay £30k a year and £55k is a big salary.

You have probably missed the boat a bit anyway unless you date younger. Most decent men of 36 or over are already snapped up and a lot of high earners don’t give a shit how much their partner earns, they just want them to look nice.

Exactly this. Men earning OP's level of salary at her age and below would be a hot commodity and most of the good ones in this category (including the ones who are not commitment phobes) would already be snapped up. Also for a lot of these men, who would normally have full on careers to match the salary, they're actually better suited in practical terms to women who earn less/are less career oriented so a lot of the time they will settle down with such women when looking for serious relationships/marriage/children.

My new boyfriend (I think I am just about ready to call him that - met a couple of months ago internet dating) has a more or less minimum wage job he works incredibly hard at. He’s smart and funny and lovely, way more intelligent than me, most of my friends, and any other man I have dated. He just had a shit upbringing and has had some bad luck - backstory I can’t go into - which is why he currently has no qualifications to speak of. Many of my friends who internet date wouldn’t even consider dating him because of his job. To my mind they are massively missing out! He is lovely and (so far - it’s early days!) makes me very happy! Just perfect for me really - so much in common. Or that’s how it feels currently, anyhow.

There is a disparity - i’m a “professional” and earn a fair bit more. I occasionally pay for things if I really want to do them - for example if I really want a takeaway when he would be happy for us to have a ready meal - he doesn’t like it that much but I point out that it’s me suggesting we do it so I’m happy to pay. He certainly pays his way in our general dating tho. He’s actually extremely courteous and generous.

If it’s a big thing for you, obviously you are entitled to want to date a man who earns the same as you. It wouldn’t remotely concern me though. I would much rather have a kind, clever, sexy, funny man than a rich one....... But it’s your priorities, your life!

This might sound awfully sexist or whatever the 'ist' may be, but if you go out on a date with a guy for the first time and he asks you what you earn and then asks to split the bill then surely he is not expecting a second date.. and is therefore doing you a massive favour by letting you know exactly what he is like and will be like in the future ??

People seem to be missing the point.

The OP doesn't want someone who is loaded who can take care of her, she just wants to not be taken advantage of, and she wants to date someone with similar career aspirations.

Unfortunately as has already been stated, all the good ones are gone. You'll have to wait for the divorces to come round...

This is such an interesting thread from my American POV. I did not think OP was being greedy, dismissive, or judgmental. The guy she went out with was RUDE. He brought up salaries and he should not have suggested the split if it was so clearly in his favor.
I don’t judge people by their income necessarily, but I do want someone who matches me in terms of education, ambition, life goals. It seems to be that is basic compatibility. I did not get the sense OP would dismiss someone for earning less, but ether if someone had made a series of choices that put them in a totally different track. She is talking about security and I get that. I am surprised she is being judged so harshly.

Depends where you are, in London 55 is a low wage so most men would be on that or above it.

Penguinn it really really isn’t.

If you work in the city in law or finance then maybe. Again, in the NHS and many other businesses and industries, some that operate solely out of London, pay scales don’t go anywhere near £55k.

@Iwouldlikesomecake I’m only going on my experience. In my experience in London most people are on at least 55.

I don’t know actually how you can even come to that conclusion if you have ever been to London unless you have only been to Canary Wharf or something. Do you not count the people who live in places like Grenfell as people then? Do you think they were all on £55k? What about the people who live in Brixton or Peckham or Tottenham?

Or people who work as couriers or security guards or TFL station staff, or indeed most people starring in shows on the west end unless they are TV/Film famous...

Everyone I know who lives in Camberley is a retired millionaire. By your token, most people in Camberley are retired millionaires.

Average UK salary £25-30k.

A top of the scale school teacher outside London will be stuck on £35k forever unless they accept management responsibilities.

Ditto most ordinary professional jobs outside of the banking/law/accountancy sector, where they get yearly bonuses just for breathing LOL.

Think yourself lucky to be where you are at 36. I'm sure you've earned it. And if all you want is a bloke with the same salary as you there are places you can go to find one. And when you find him I'm sure that you will deserve each other if all you both care about is money.

However, I'm also old fashioned enough to think that a guy should pay the restaurant bill on a first date, no matter what his circumstances, purely as a gesture to indicate a willingness to invest, emotionally and otherwise, in a relationship with you. I think the lack of that sense of investment is what's really bugging you rather than exactly what he earns, at least I hope so.

Being a gentleman (which I think is what you want) is not about money, it's about outlook. So yes avoid the cheapskates and chancers, but don't dismiss an otherwise decent bloke just because he happens to earn half what you do - the fact is, most people in the country earn half what you do, and in many cases even less than that! Why do you think Aldi/Lidl are so popular? LOL

In other news, a little humility about the fact that you are fortunate wouldn't come amiss. Try, just as an experiment, living for a week on half your normal budget and then you'll start to realise why some of the blokes you meet who are your age haven't bought a house!

I bought my first house at 24 BUT at the time it cost 4x my salary. I was very lucky, and so were many people my age. You can't realistically expect most people to do that now because in most places that same house will cost 10x a normal salary and then some.

If he makes 1/2 what you do and if he still rents then that just makes him a normal person. And if you exclude anyone who fits that description then you might miss out on someone great, so focus instead on their education, responsibility, attitudes, GSOH, fitness etc rather than money. As in other areas of life, it's not what you've got it's what you do with it LOL.

@Iwouldlikesomecake I’ve lived in London my whole life and still do. Zone 2 London. I’m going on my own experience as stated.

As a “mature” mother, I’m thinking how lucky I was in dating days all that time ago, to assume that the man would always pay. Now I think I had a cheek, but that’s how it was. They paid for everything.
Having said that, anyone not displaying signs of generosity within their budget would be a turn off.

I live in London and don’t know anyone on 55k, and I am in my 50s. I earn 35 and I earn more than my DH. You sound money driven to me, which is fine, but many/most people won’t be and they can still be decent, hard-working, intelligent people.

Unfortunately as has already been stated, all the good ones are gone. You'll have to wait for the divorces to come round...

Yes, I'm sure there isn't one single solitary unmarried (or already divorced) man in op's age range who earns roughly around her salary in the entire UK (or elsewhere if she were to do a sabbatical or relocate).

If this is important to you then you shouldn't compromise. The quality of my dates went up hugely when I stopped compromising on my important values (in my case by dating meat-eaters). Yes it reduces your dating pool but that just means you need to put more effort into finding suitable men. It is definitely worth it.