Is he condescending or am I too sensitive

[Advicerequired123]

I have been a stay at home mum for the last 2 years as partner works extremely long hours or abroad and it worked better for us for me to be at home.

Youngest is 4 and I want to start earning my own money. I have a degree and some experience but feel a bit nervous getting back into it.

Partner is pushing me to start a business. He wants out of the “rat race” and feels pressure that his job may be on the line due to Covid etc.

I would like to get a job but have taken his advice and been looking into options for a business. He is pushing Amazon FBA. I had never heard of it but have spent hours reading and watching YouTube videos. To be honest I’m not 100% keen and would still like to get a job.

We have had a disagreement as I find him really condescending. He is extremely ambitious and money driven where as I’m not as much. When I say I want to get a job he says “why would you want to work for someone else when you have this opportunity to start our own business”.

Last night we went for a date night and over dinner he asked me what I had learnt today (I had spent time researching the Amazon Fba). I said it’s hard to explain I have notes at home. He said tell me 3 things you’ve learnt, briefly. I said I’d rather not and just enjoy the evening. He said he doesn’t have time to read my 1,000 word notes and pushed again for 3 things I had learnt. I felt like I was in a job interview and nothing was coming to my mind even though I’d taken lots of notes.

Then today getting ready to take the kids to school he asks what are your goals for this week? I say I’m not sure I’m going to continue learning and reading. He said I need goals and I said just leave me do what I feel is right.

He’s working from home so he comes into the office where I’m learning and critiques My notes and spreadsheet I have made. He says “you should do xyz” despite the reading and videos I’m learning saying otherwise.

I tell him to leave it and I don’t want his suggestions. He tells me it’ll be worse if I get a job and actually have a boss chasing me. I tell him i think it’s better if I get a job as I don’t feel like this is my thing - more his that he’s pushing onto me. I tell him I find him condescending and controlling and like he’s my boss.

He says I’m too sensitive. He’s only trying to help. He looks down on me that I “just” want a job working for someone else. I know I won’t earn a fortune working in the jobs I’m applying for but that’s ok for me but feels like it’s not for him & he’s looking down on me for it.

Aerial, I don’t know why you’re hell bent on arguing she’s totally right. Because for every argument you make there is a counter one. The same could be said for her on talking to him.

The bottom line is, in my view, and I get you disagree, that neither are behaving well or managing this well due to the pressure they are under.

She’s not getting a job or starting a company because she’s nervous. He’s pushing her in a manner that’s not acceptable but has built up because as she says he’s under pressure and feels he’s going to loose his job. So he wants a fall back to protect them both, which is a business she could start now and he could join if he looses his job, and that would hopefully be able to help them financially if it came to it. An idea quite frankly I can’t fault unless her earning potential is much higher.

They both need to talk to one another and find a way forward. Because her refusal to act, and him keeping pushing isn’t going to make this go away or fix it.

He is a worrier and works in a global company. He has climbed the ranks and is now in an extremely well respected position and extremely well paid. We have enough savings to last at least 6 months with our current bills. And he has no reason to think he’s jobs at risk - he’s simply speculating. He admits that the business would struggle without him.

Which is why I get insulted because depending on how he’s feeling then everything will be great in our world. In fact he’ll be suggesting a bigger car, holidays. Then depending on what he’s heard on the news or in work he will freak out and come downstairs demanding I start a business right now.

We had a major fall out a few weeks ago as I’m at home cooking him and all the kids lunch bearing in mind we’ve been in lockdown and the schools closed for 6 months. I’ve struggled and he’ll come down and ruin my day by demanding I start a business. It’ll come out of no where and I’ll feel anxious as I don’t have any business ideas.

Then his anxiety will pass and he’ll be back to showing me holidays or things to buy and I’m then confused. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going sometimes.

So I say I’ll get a job and he belittles the suggestions and almost scoffs and I feel embarrassed at sharing my potential jobs.

Anyway I spent today applying for 5 jobs so fingers crossed.

@Bluntness100

Aerial, I don’t know why you’re hell bent on arguing she’s totally right. Because for every argument you make there is a counter one. The same could be said for her on talking to him.

The bottom line is, in my view, and I get you disagree, that neither are behaving well or managing this well due to the pressure they are under.

She’s not getting a job or starting a company because she’s nervous. He’s pushing her in a manner that’s not acceptable but has built up because as she says he’s under pressure and feels he’s going to loose his job. So he wants a fall back to protect them both, which is a business she could start now and he could join if he looses his job, and that would hopefully be able to help them financially if it came to it. An idea quite frankly I can’t fault unless her earning potential is much higher.

They both need to talk to one another and find a way forward. Because her refusal to act, and him keeping pushing isn’t going to make this go away or fix it.

No I will never agree that being nervous is behaving badly. I will never agree that the way to get things done in a marriage is to bully your partner.

He admits that the business would struggle without him

Op that’s bullshit, no one is indispensable, hence his anxiety. No global company relies on one person.

But well done on applying for the jobs, I think you need to listen to each other, and understand both of your anxiety.

That's what controlling me do Op. You don't know if you're coming or going because they hold the power and your day goes depending on their mood.
Think if this is really what you want for your life and children

I don't think the OP's DP is the only condescending person round these parts ...

Not you, Aerial

He's very much in love with the idea of being the big manager in your new company isn't he? He wants to keep doing all the tricky work of "managing" while you as his one staff member do the remaining little fiddly bits of "all the other things".

Hm. I had one of these as a business partner. Chicken little when it suited him, mr bountiful at other times. Depending on what he had just read in the paper. Loved to tell me what needed to be done. Which oddly enough was always very menial. Really liked to try to manage me which never included any pearls of wisdom - just lots of 'direction'. Like the H he had zero business sense. But thought he did.

That plus constant put downs, taking credit for everything I did and more I got rid. Best day ever.

OP amazon fba isn't some kind of magic bullet or amazing opportunity. If you have the right kind of brain but no money or training it's a low barrier to entry way to flog stuff online. It's also fast becoming the go to for every person who wants a get rich quick scheme now everyone knows how rubbish MLM is. So finding a toe hold in it is going to be a relentless battle. It's not a business or a company.

But you know that. So why don't you do some research online - showing just what a scam it is? And show him.

He said he doesn’t have time to read my 1,000 word notes

Sounds like he's too idle and important to read his own partner's research. He wants baby sound bites for the modern chap.

Then today getting ready to take the kids to school he asks what are your goals for this week?

Remaining alive?

Honestly he sounds like such a dickhead. Is he a wannabe motivational coach or something what a bore.

I have a business idea for you. Divorce him, take your 50% and get a job you like!

Yep @Newuser123123
Most women flourish when they realise they don't need a man to tell them what to do and are quite capable. Without all the put downs and being controlled, they manage just fine.

*Not all men, men like the OPs husband

@JamieLeeCurtains

I don't think the OP's DP is the only condescending person round these parts ...

Yes Jamie lee - I'm with you on this.

OP, do not start a business - it is very, very hard to make a success in business and you have to be 100% committed to the idea and really want to work for yourself.

Find a job, and leave him.

Tell him you're looking into matched betting....
I am sure there's software you can buy to help automate

It sounds as if he wants to be in charge of a business, but doesn't feel able to quit his job and start out on his own. So he wants you to do it instead... but it will be his business, and his idea, and (if it's successful) his success. And it will be done his way.

I suggest you get a salaried job, and then tell him that you can keep the family afloat while he tries to make a go of self-employment, if that's what he really wants to do.

But crack on with going to a solicitor and explaining he said that at the ceremony so you’ve a legal right to everything he’s got

50% I think is the starting point.

Friend is looking at 60%

Then today getting ready to take the kids to school he asks what are your goals for this week

To try and not get arrested for murder. Said with a completely straight face.

He's worried about his job because if he's doing the same thing to his employees as he is his wife, he's not likeable.

If people don't like him, he might get the axe.

Maybe he should look at his own improvements before he starts on his wife/partner.

50% I think is the starting point

Fifty percent of all joint assets yes.

Fifty percent of his salary. No.

And we are discussing entitlement to his money not assets like the house.

@Newuser123123

I have a business idea for you. Divorce him, take your 50% and get a job you like!

OP your DH sounds similar to mine in the fact that he can find himself anxious or stressed about something and suddenly demand we find a solution right now!! It doesn’t half ruin my day sometimes, I can be having a decent day and then all of a sudden it’s like this ship is going down and it’s all hands on deck!! It leaves me feeling unbalanced and unsettled and like I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We can be fine and everything fine and all of sudden feel like I’m in a fight for our very survival. I understand the stress and anxiety that brings this on I really do, but at the same time it’s also exhausting and like being on a bloody roller coaster. If it were solely up to me I’d rather not panic and sit and calmly work towards a solution. For him it’s like he gets hit by a lightning bolt of anxiety or motivation to do something and so must do it now. I suppose I frustrate him in equal measure because my slower and more considered pace seems like inaction to him.

My advice to to you is to flat out refuse to do the business and state that firmly to him. He is free to disagree with you but at the end of the day what you do to earn money is up to you. If he so badly wants to do a business he can do it himself.

DH and I set up a business years ago, the business was doing well, but our relationship went down the pan completely. I soon went from being his partner to bring his employee, which spilled over to home life too. He is also a terrible micro manager, and honestly couldn’t help himself doing it. Eventually I could take no more and left him, though back together now obviously. I mention this only because from shay you describe it won’t matter who’s business it is, it will just be him bossing you about and taking you to task and from experience relationships don’t survive very well in that kind of scenario. I would much rather be an employee and have a boss I could wave goodbye to at the end of every day.

OP he sounds like a twat. I'm sorry but on what planet is he on. if starting up your own business was so easy say with Amazon FA why isn't everyone doing it. On what planet is he on if he thinks you can walk into job, earn enough to pay for childcare for at least 2 kids (because he sounds like the type who would expect you to pay it) and have a decent amount left.

It's all well and good being idealistic saying if he wants her to work then she should, but with little kids sometimes it's just not realistic.

OP personally I would say you have thought of your goal, you would like to lose 12 stone by September. Bye bye DP! He sounds very patronising, no way could I put up with that shit.

@Ariela

Tell him you're looking into matched betting.... I am sure there's software you can buy to help automate

I love this one Ariela!!

I run a retail business and to be quite honest it's really hard.

It's insecure and you are not guaranteed an income, you will probably be working longer hours than having a job, with less security.

It sounds as if self-employment is your husband's dream in reaction to him having a difficult job.