Is he condescending or am I too sensitive

[Advicerequired123]

I have been a stay at home mum for the last 2 years as partner works extremely long hours or abroad and it worked better for us for me to be at home.

Youngest is 4 and I want to start earning my own money. I have a degree and some experience but feel a bit nervous getting back into it.

Partner is pushing me to start a business. He wants out of the “rat race” and feels pressure that his job may be on the line due to Covid etc.

I would like to get a job but have taken his advice and been looking into options for a business. He is pushing Amazon FBA. I had never heard of it but have spent hours reading and watching YouTube videos. To be honest I’m not 100% keen and would still like to get a job.

We have had a disagreement as I find him really condescending. He is extremely ambitious and money driven where as I’m not as much. When I say I want to get a job he says “why would you want to work for someone else when you have this opportunity to start our own business”.

Last night we went for a date night and over dinner he asked me what I had learnt today (I had spent time researching the Amazon Fba). I said it’s hard to explain I have notes at home. He said tell me 3 things you’ve learnt, briefly. I said I’d rather not and just enjoy the evening. He said he doesn’t have time to read my 1,000 word notes and pushed again for 3 things I had learnt. I felt like I was in a job interview and nothing was coming to my mind even though I’d taken lots of notes.

Then today getting ready to take the kids to school he asks what are your goals for this week? I say I’m not sure I’m going to continue learning and reading. He said I need goals and I said just leave me do what I feel is right.

He’s working from home so he comes into the office where I’m learning and critiques My notes and spreadsheet I have made. He says “you should do xyz” despite the reading and videos I’m learning saying otherwise.

I tell him to leave it and I don’t want his suggestions. He tells me it’ll be worse if I get a job and actually have a boss chasing me. I tell him i think it’s better if I get a job as I don’t feel like this is my thing - more his that he’s pushing onto me. I tell him I find him condescending and controlling and like he’s my boss.

He says I’m too sensitive. He’s only trying to help. He looks down on me that I “just” want a job working for someone else. I know I won’t earn a fortune working in the jobs I’m applying for but that’s ok for me but feels like it’s not for him & he’s looking down on me for it.

God he sounds awful.

I would hate to run my own business, it's just not for me, and anyone trying to insist I do it would be told to fuck off.

Time to end this now. Tell him he can do this himself once you are earning enough money to support the family with a guaranteed income. You are not playing hard and fast and being risky when there is a likely Depression looming.

He doesnt want you to work for yourself, he wants you to work for him.

In a proper job you might have a boss telling you what to do, but if you start a business from home, you are going to have Mr High and Mighty belittling you and ordering you about (and you wont be able to get away from it all in the evenings and weekends)

He wants out of the “rat race” and feels pressure that his job may be on the line due to Covid etc

But in the meantime he has a job.
If a job was such a terrible idea why is he continuing to turn up to his.

If he knows so much about Amazon Fba then why doesn’t he start his own business on the side whilst still working. Then he can question himself on 3 things he had learned himself and leave you to go to work.

Why are you entertaining the idea and writing notes. He sounds like he wants a 4000 word essay on AmazonFBA and wants it on his desk by 9am Friday otherwise you will go in detention.

Will he be demanding a written essay or presentation of what the children learned in school each week?

Definitely YANBU

Getting a job sounds a great idea OP and just what you need. Who the fuck does he think he is?!

1. Get a job
2. Stash the cash
3. Lose the arsehole

These would be my three goals.

Next time he starts this behaviour, sit him down and tell him to give you three good reasons why you should keep him.

Fucking hell what a knob. Condescending prick. Get a job and tell him to fuck off with your top three reasons for why he's a wankstain.

The obvious is why doesnt he start his amazon business then?

He says he doesn’t have time to start the business so as I do then I should. He really upset me a few weeks ago he was stressed with his job and came downstairs saying “we need to start a business now!”

I said I can’t just pull a business out of thin air plus I didn’t like the way he came down demanding I get a business started as we’ve always agreed our situation has been the best for our family and it won’t just go from me not working to me working within a day.

This is when his Amazon FBA idea was born and since I’ve been trying to get my head around it but it doesn’t feel like a business, more a gamble.

Don't do it. Get a standard job and live with the consequences. Don't let him make you feel shit about it either.

He sounds awful

Don’t do it. Spend the time looking for a real job instead. Say it’s been two weeks, it’s not even a business yet and it’s already you tell me what I’m doing wrong and what I should be doing every day so for the sake of our marriage and my sanity I’m going to look for a job, working for someone else.

I need goals??? what- why?? I couldn't get past this breathtaking rudeness up.

MAJOR advantage of a job - getting paid the same amount every month.

I've been freelance and while I got paid a great rate on the days I worked, monthly income was boom and bust. Stressful in the end.

My DH set up his own business. It's folded thanks to covid. He is now job hunting. The business sometimes did well and had other times of crisis. Guess what paid the bills in the crises - my job.

Stop researching shit and start making job applications!

Here's an idea.....find a job and build your self esteem to tell him where to stick his bullying ways.
Even without the business demands, this is no way to live in a marriage.
He sounds controlling and a complete bully. Think of what you could do without that in your life. The freedom.

Oh that didn't mean to sound the way i read it back! I meant think of what you could do without him telling you what to do all the time.

I think there's a few things going on here tbh.
What he is saying about learning and goals etc is what he's learnt at the office - it's business speak. And there is actually real evidence that having a vision and mission statement with small goals works to help you get there. This bit sounds like he's trying to help you in the only way he knows how. I say this because my OH used to do this (business business business) and it used to upset me too until I did some outside training and realised the above.
The other issue is that he's not listening that this isn't what you want to do right now. Maybe sit down and do a 2/5 year plan. (Speaking more of his language). Right now I want to go into paid employment. Discuss the pros cons etc. During this time I will continue to research other own business opportunities and just keep my eye on things. We will review this in however many years.
I find this approach takes the pressure off me and my OH because we have a plan together.

Of course if he doesn't listen to you and can't discuss in an adult way (doesn't mean he won't challenge you mind, you just have to be clear) then yes he's an arse.

It's hard but going into paid employment and starting a business are not mutually exclusive. But you are not his ticket out of his job.

But why should the OP write a plan like she is a child and he is her teacher/master?

Why can't she look for a job in her own way like a full grown adult?

Well if he thinks the opportunity is so damn good, then why the hell doesnt he take it up FFS. He is being a CF of the highest order! Tell him you want to work for a Company and thats that! I have never heard of this business opportunity and doubt it is quite as profitable as he seems to think it is!

advicerequired123

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

You mention him as a partner; I have assumed you are not married to this man?.

I think the only opinion that matters to this man is his own. Indeed stop researching shit and start making proper job applications. His ideas are patronising to say the least and if this whole pie in the sky Amazon FBA thang was wound up you would get all the blame for it failing. He is also patronising you as well; he's basically implying that you have more time to do this because you really have nothing else better to do.

At least if you got a job, you get to leave your boss behind at the end of the day!

You should write a plan, it should look like this

1. Get updated CV
2. look for a job
3. Have a interview
4. Get the job, sort out any childcare needed.
5. Look for somewhere else to live
6. Leave this idiotic man, who wants to start a 'business' but have you do all the work.

Please stop spending hours writing notes on a scam scheme. Please don't write another word.

I would leave him.if he doesn't allow you to stop. It's very abusive.

Bosses are not like that.

He isn't your boss he's your partner /husband.

Can you move out to family /your mum? Tell him you want a divorce.
You should get 50% of everything and can block.him.

Disgusting behaviour from him Op! He is not the boss of you - you are.

I understand partners are supposed to work together with bringing money in to the home but not for one to order and the other to bow. If starting a business is not your thing he should not be pushing you. What use is a business if you aren’t passionate about it?

Don’t do it!

He sounds awful.

As someone who was self-employed when they didn’t really want to be - I can tell you now it will be a terrible decision. Its soul destroying to slog at it 24/7, for it not to be financially successful and to take away all your time from your kids.

It works for many - but you have to want it and it usually does not come without years of sacrifice.

I got a regular job a few years ago and it genuinely changed my life - I’m not a ‘girl boss’ and I am absolutely OK with it!

He thinks you'll set a business up, make it a success then he'll step in and take it over. You need your own money, get a job but don't tell him until you're about to start so he doesn't have time to talk you out of it. If he wants to work for himself he'll have to find time. I know I don't know him but I have a bad feeling about your DP

I would tell him 3 things you have learned are

1. You starting a business would be a terrible idea.

The business isn’t even open and he is badgering you and pressuring you to do things his way and even dictating what the business should be. If you were ever looking to start a business it would be what you wanted to do and researched how you wanted to research it.

1. The very idea of him joining you as a business partner given how he likes to throw his weight round and dictate to you how you do things wouldn’t work for you.

1. The best thing you have learned is for both your sakes you need to find a job separate from him as if you tried to work together it would probably end in divorce.

Also what does he mean he has no time to start a business.

If Amazon FBA is what I think it is I know there was a school girl doing it and bringing in a fair bit of money doing it around school, homework and ECAs

If he is heading for redundancy anyway why is he putting so many hours in at work.
Couldn’t he get up earlier or spend his time in the evenings and weekends starting to get this business up and running whilst he waits for his job to end