Is he condescending or am I too sensitive

[Advicerequired123]

I have been a stay at home mum for the last 2 years as partner works extremely long hours or abroad and it worked better for us for me to be at home.

Youngest is 4 and I want to start earning my own money. I have a degree and some experience but feel a bit nervous getting back into it.

Partner is pushing me to start a business. He wants out of the “rat race” and feels pressure that his job may be on the line due to Covid etc.

I would like to get a job but have taken his advice and been looking into options for a business. He is pushing Amazon FBA. I had never heard of it but have spent hours reading and watching YouTube videos. To be honest I’m not 100% keen and would still like to get a job.

We have had a disagreement as I find him really condescending. He is extremely ambitious and money driven where as I’m not as much. When I say I want to get a job he says “why would you want to work for someone else when you have this opportunity to start our own business”.

Last night we went for a date night and over dinner he asked me what I had learnt today (I had spent time researching the Amazon Fba). I said it’s hard to explain I have notes at home. He said tell me 3 things you’ve learnt, briefly. I said I’d rather not and just enjoy the evening. He said he doesn’t have time to read my 1,000 word notes and pushed again for 3 things I had learnt. I felt like I was in a job interview and nothing was coming to my mind even though I’d taken lots of notes.

Then today getting ready to take the kids to school he asks what are your goals for this week? I say I’m not sure I’m going to continue learning and reading. He said I need goals and I said just leave me do what I feel is right.

He’s working from home so he comes into the office where I’m learning and critiques My notes and spreadsheet I have made. He says “you should do xyz” despite the reading and videos I’m learning saying otherwise.

I tell him to leave it and I don’t want his suggestions. He tells me it’ll be worse if I get a job and actually have a boss chasing me. I tell him i think it’s better if I get a job as I don’t feel like this is my thing - more his that he’s pushing onto me. I tell him I find him condescending and controlling and like he’s my boss.

He says I’m too sensitive. He’s only trying to help. He looks down on me that I “just” want a job working for someone else. I know I won’t earn a fortune working in the jobs I’m applying for but that’s ok for me but feels like it’s not for him & he’s looking down on me for it.

Ok point us to the law that says if married you’ve a legal right to your spouses salary

Isn’t it in the vows.

“all that I have I give to you”

@Bluntness100

They agreed she would be a SAHM so she is entitled to money from him!

Are people having a laugh? She’s entitled as long as he agrees. When he stops agreeing she’s no longer entitled. It’s not if he agrees she’s got a meal ticket for life and never needs to work again irrelevant of his views.

I don't know what you're projecting here but wanting to be treated with respect and as an equal I their partnership is not having a laugh. Being ordered to start running your own business by your partner and being interrogated is not what any woman should accept. Ever. There is respect. Always. It is bullying behaviour.

@Oliversmumsarmy

Ok point us to the law that says if married you’ve a legal right to your spouses salary

Isn’t it in the vows.

“all that I have I give to you”

Seriously?

You do know many religions have different vows right and some folks make up their own? And that the terms of the vows are not the legal contract right? And it doesn’t say in this particular religions all that I have I give to you now and for the duration of our marriage. The wording of vows is cultural and religious. They are a legal requirement, to say them. But the terms are not then the law.

But crack on with going to a solicitor and explaining he said that at the ceremony so you’ve a legal right to everything he’s got...

It is bullying behaviour

Totally agree. As alreaDy stated both are behaving badly. Gender is irrelevant. One can’t refuse to earn and expect the other to pay and one can’t bully the other in terms of how they earn.

@Bluntness100

But that's not the case here! She said they agreed and he's only just TOLD her to get a job, she's never said she never wants to work

That’s my point, he’s told her to get earn and no longer supports her not earning, So she needs to do so, one way or the other.

And that's what she's trying to do, it's not that easy at the moment to get a job just like that. He can't demand she get work and tell her what work that is FFS

Op, he's a bloody bully!

If there is one thing I've learned in this life it's do what makes you happy..
I had an extremely controlling male parent who made me feel useless, unworthy, stupid, devoid of talent - the list goes on. This was due to his monstrous ego and I spent the first 50 years of my life in a fog of guilt because no matter what I did to please him, it was never enough.
Reading your post brought all that back to me. If your 'd'p wants this amazon thing so much, let him go off and do it. See how good he is at it. He's a twat.

Personally, I'd tell him to fuck off with his grandiose and yes, condescending advice, get yourself a single life and live it your way....beautifully.

@Bluntness100 I usually agree with you. And Ive worked since I was 17 & no one has ever paid me to be at home.

But I cant agree here. They mutually (I assume) agreed to have children. He is never there so the housework & child care can either be done by her, or it can be done by a housekeeper & a nanny/daycare (well not currently). Both of those things would probably equal more than most salaries. Plus the actual being pregnant & giving birth & then not being much use at work for a bit take time. Of that 2 years maybe a year (minimum) are spent doing basic pregnancy/baby stuff.

Then theres the bill paying & organising school stuff & being home for the plumber & dealing with car stuff. Every night theres the feeding & bathing & bedtime. Every morning theres school & again getting them from school (the youngest is only just about to start so shorter hours/a different location).

The cooking, & bed making, & tidying toys up & washing & getting groceries. Doing their lunches. Then theres the keeping his shirts clean/ironed & making sure he has fresh stuff for the next trip. And other stuff no doubt.

As a working woman I would rather like a wife (except I like men & I dont like ones that dont work). Theres no way I could do all of that & work. Theres no way I could do that full stop. Some very efficient people could no doubt. Many couldnt.

What he wants is her to do a 'business' that allows her to do all of that PLUS bring in money. Without his, or anyone elses help. Which he can then pretend he started. Because he will happlly 'help' her by telling her what to do. Oh yes, he doesnt mind that part at all.

He's a twat.

@VettiyaIruken

He's a twat.

@VettiyaIruken Perfect!

It's not right of him to push his ambitions on you, just because you're partners, say no and go for what you want to do.
Let him do that on the side, if you hearts not in it it would never work.

Ok I get some disagree. But for me.

You can be a stay at home parent as long as both agree. Irrelevant of gender.
When one stops agreeing rhe arrangement needs to stop. The financially inactive parent has no right to make it stop.
Housework does not change that. You both need to come to an agreement. If you cannot then end it. Do not be a martyr and do it all, again irrelevant of gender.
You cannot bully yout partner into working the type of role you wish. It needs to be their choice.

So for me, the fact the op is neither applying for jobs. (From what I can see) or starting a company, even though she knows he no longer agrees with her being financially inactive, and that’s because he thinks he will loose his job is not acceptable.

It is also unacceptable for him to hound her to do so, and in the manner of his choice.

So back to where I started. They are both behaving badly. Her because she’s nervous about getting back to work and him because he’s worried he’s going to loose his job and they will have nothing.

I really don't think it's the same. His behaviour is not the same. She wants to look for a job, not to be told to start a business. She is not bullying him and demanding to see a business plan and what research he has done.
It is not the same at all
And as another poster had listed all the things a stay at home parent does, it is more than housework.
But I don't think you are seeing that.

And if she is nervous about going back to work, as anyone would, that is not behaving badly. That is being human and wanting your spouse to support your mental health and support you in a job that fits as a family.

His intentions are probably good in that he's acting in a way that he may use to 'develop' people at work.

But he's not at work and it's bound to be bloody infuriating. I think you need to be honest and say that it's best you don't continue down this path as it will drive you apart.

Explain that you think a job is the right thing for you at the moment and you need to draw a line under it.

I agree it’s not the same, and I didn’t say it was, or who was behaving worse. I simply said they were both behaving badly.

She is doing it because she’s nervous to start working again. That’s being human as you say.

He’s doing it because he thinks he’s going to loose his job and if she starts a business then he can work with her on that and they have a fall back position if he does. That’s also human. He’s stressed about loosing his job and them both being unemployed. And what that entails.

Neither are behaving well. Both have their reasons for it. But it doesn’t change the fact that they are both in a situation that’s driving poor behaviour.

You really think her being nervous about returning to work is behaving badly?

Op what will happen if he looses his job as you say he is feeling under pressure that this will happen. Getting another job quickly isn’t easy.

How will you both survive financially? Will any job you get be able to pay rhe bills? Do you both have savings? How long can you survive financially?

He is telling her what to do. There doesn't seem to be discussion about it.
I would take a guess and say I very much doubt it is stress and more like he is used to talking to her like that.
It is bullying and controlling and I bet he is like that in other aspects of their lives.

@Bluntness100

Op what will happen if he looses his job as you say he is feeling under pressure that this will happen. Getting another job quickly isn’t easy.

How will you both survive financially? Will any job you get be able to pay rhe bills? Do you both have savings? How long can you survive financially?

Then he can start up this fantastic business idea then can't he if it's such a great idea

He sounds like a twat. Also, the irony of him saying "Why would you want a job where someone is your boss and telling you what to do ", when what he wants is for you to do what he says you should do!

Then he can start up this fantastic business idea then can't he if it's such a great idea

And what will they do for money when they are starting it up and waiting for it to get off the ground?

It’s arguable whether you wait for the axe to fall before acting, or you start it before hand, as he’s pushing her to do, so you can jump in when and if the worst happens.

Sadly being nervous about working doesn’t keep a roof over your head or food on the table when the only bread winner is at significant risk of unemployment and is working all hours to prevent it happening.

Maybe he should treat his wife with a bit more respect and as an equal so they can have a discussion about it.
It's not rocket science.

A couple of things:

1. I find cornell notes work well for me as you summarise at the end of every page, so easier to Remember.
2. You husband sounds very unreasonable and annoying. He needs to work on that. And he needs to look for another job that pays the same ashis current job before he leaves this job.

And if she were to leave him because he's being a shit, how is he going to pay child maintenance and rent for a separate house while he's all alone?
And she grows without his bullying ways and realises she was only nervous because he put her down all the time and gets the career she wants.

It's amazing what women can do when they aren't being bullied. It's amazing how she would find a job to fit around her children or retrain.
Happens all the time.