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Original poster

Is he condescending or am I too sensitive

127 replies

Advicerequired123 · 25/08/2020 23:06

I have been a stay at home mum for the last 2 years as partner works extremely long hours or abroad and it worked better for us for me to be at home.

Youngest is 4 and I want to start earning my own money. I have a degree and some experience but feel a bit nervous getting back into it.

Partner is pushing me to start a business. He wants out of the “rat race” and feels pressure that his job may be on the line due to Covid etc.

I would like to get a job but have taken his advice and been looking into options for a business. He is pushing Amazon FBA. I had never heard of it but have spent hours reading and watching YouTube videos. To be honest I’m not 100% keen and would still like to get a job.

We have had a disagreement as I find him really condescending. He is extremely ambitious and money driven where as I’m not as much. When I say I want to get a job he says “why would you want to work for someone else when you have this opportunity to start our own business”.

Last night we went for a date night and over dinner he asked me what I had learnt today (I had spent time researching the Amazon Fba). I said it’s hard to explain I have notes at home. He said tell me 3 things you’ve learnt, briefly. I said I’d rather not and just enjoy the evening. He said he doesn’t have time to read my 1,000 word notes and pushed again for 3 things I had learnt. I felt like I was in a job interview and nothing was coming to my mind even though I’d taken lots of notes.

Then today getting ready to take the kids to school he asks what are your goals for this week? I say I’m not sure I’m going to continue learning and reading. He said I need goals and I said just leave me do what I feel is right.

He’s working from home so he comes into the office where I’m learning and critiques My notes and spreadsheet I have made. He says “you should do xyz” despite the reading and videos I’m learning saying otherwise.

I tell him to leave it and I don’t want his suggestions. He tells me it’ll be worse if I get a job and actually have a boss chasing me. I tell him i think it’s better if I get a job as I don’t feel like this is my thing - more his that he’s pushing onto me. I tell him I find him condescending and controlling and like he’s my boss.

He says I’m too sensitive. He’s only trying to help. He looks down on me that I “just” want a job working for someone else. I know I won’t earn a fortune working in the jobs I’m applying for but that’s ok for me but feels like it’s not for him & he’s looking down on me for it.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 26/08/2020 12:52

All these men mentioned on mumsnet treating their partner like their slave or they are 2nd as the mans needs are more important.
Sounds exhausting to live like that.

thelilachen · 26/08/2020 12:55

It's your life, not his. Tough luck if he doesn't like how you live it. You are not his puppet.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 13:01

The issue here is he is the sole breadwinner and is worried about it and doesn’t wish this to continue. You on the other hand are procrastinating and not getting a job or starting a business.

You need to reach an agreement, you cannot go on with this stalemate of you refusing to earn and him being stressed about being the sole breadwinner. You need to meet in the middle, because this is only going to get worse.

You cannot be a stay at hone parent when your partner does not wish you to be. And is stressed by it.

Neither of you are behaving ok.

morriseysquif · 26/08/2020 13:02

If you work for yourself you can still do all the housework and childcare because you are the boss.

Get a job, he'll have to step up.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 13:02

@thelilachen

It's your life, not his. Tough luck if he doesn't like how you live it. You are not his puppet.
That only works when she’s not relying on him to feed house and clothe her.
Oliversmumsarmy · 26/08/2020 13:10

Bluntness100

I think op does want to work but her dh is against it as he wants her to start a business and only a business. A job with a regular income will not do.

Vodkacranberryplease · 26/08/2020 13:15

I have been a stay at home mum for the last 2 years as partner works extremely long hours or abroad and it worked better for us for me to be at home.

Youngest is 4 and I want to start earning my own money. I have a degree and some experience but feel a bit nervous getting back into it.

So theres a child (children?) and he is not there to help at all. Which means 100% of child care & housework. Whats his part in this? Shouldnt he stop working abroad?

But he wont. And he wont do any more than he does. OP get a job & you split a housekeeper/cleaner & child care. You dont have to spend all your salary just so that he can not pull his weight. Youre not his servant.

Vodkacranberryplease · 26/08/2020 13:18

Does he work the same hours aas you OP? I very much doubt it. His day stops at 6 or 7. Yours doesnt. He has weekends off. You dont. When hes abroad hes in a nice hotel getting room service (& god knows what else) or being taken out for dinner. Is this even fun for you?

I mean, if you were a simgle mum youd at least get some time off. Now, no chance!

username501 · 26/08/2020 13:20

OP you are making notes and spending hours watching youtube videos on something you don't want to do. You could be spending that time looking for work or brushing up on your previous skills with an online course.

If I was under stress because I thought I was going to lose my job, I suppose I would try to get my partner to find work. However, he's going about it completely the wrong way and he's bullying you. It's awful.

Start working on your CV, if you're not sure how to do that, there's some info here. Stick your CV up on some sites like Monster who are currently offering free CV reviews.

See where your skills need brushing up and take it from there. Tell him to bog off and that you are working on looking for a job.

Aerial2020 · 26/08/2020 13:24

@Bluntness100

The issue here is he is the sole breadwinner and is worried about it and doesn’t wish this to continue. You on the other hand are procrastinating and not getting a job or starting a business.

You need to reach an agreement, you cannot go on with this stalemate of you refusing to earn and him being stressed about being the sole breadwinner. You need to meet in the middle, because this is only going to get worse.

You cannot be a stay at hone parent when your partner does not wish you to be. And is stressed by it.

Neither of you are behaving ok.

Wtf She is raising and homeschooling their children. THEIR children. That is NOT procrastinating. When are women going to be valued for this. Certainly not by OPs husband, which seems to be part of the problem. Let him sort out the child care then for a change and leave the OP to get a job SHE wants rather than being bossed around. There are 2 parents in this scenario.
Aerial2020 · 26/08/2020 13:28

@Bluntness100
Feed and clothe her??? What about his children??
You know what OP, you will be a hell of a lot better as a single parent. You prob would get more help with child care and you won't be constantly bullied by a man who doesn't seem to give a shit about you if his orders are anything to go by.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/08/2020 13:31

Does he work the same hours aas you OP? I very much doubt it. His day stops at 6 or 7. Yours doesnt. He has weekends off. You dont

So why doesn’t he start a business in his own free time.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 13:35

What about the kids, yes he has to contribute to them. She on the other hand has no right to his money, whether anyone on here likes it or not.

The point is she is neither getting a job or starting a business, and he is stressed and worried about money and thinks he may loose his job.

Neither of them are behaving well.

If she wants to get a job she should get one, start applying and tell him straight. What she can’t do is neither. She tells us she’s hesitant to get a job and she’s not keen on starting a business, they are both behaving badly. For each of their own reasons.

Aerial2020 · 26/08/2020 13:39

She has no right to his money?
If they are married, of course she does.
It is a partnership. They are a family That is the whole point of being together or they might as well live apart and co parent.
The OP has said she wants to get a job. What she doesn't want it to be told she has to run her own business and be barked orders at.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 13:42

If they are married, of course she does

Don’t be so ridiculous. Legally she has no right.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 13:45

That is the whole point of being together or they might as well live apart and co parent

You think thr whole point on being together is to have a right to your spouses money?

UnfinishedSymphon · 26/08/2020 13:46

@Bluntness100

What about the kids, yes he has to contribute to them. She on the other hand has no right to his money, whether anyone on here likes it or not.

The point is she is neither getting a job or starting a business, and he is stressed and worried about money and thinks he may loose his job.

Neither of them are behaving well.

If she wants to get a job she should get one, start applying and tell him straight. What she can’t do is neither. She tells us she’s hesitant to get a job and she’s not keen on starting a business, they are both behaving badly. For each of their own reasons.

OP hasn't said she's hesitant about working, just that she's nervous and she just doesn't want to set up a business. It doesn't sound like she's not wanting to work at all, and jobs at the moment are not easy to find due to Covid and all the repercussions.

They agreed she would be a SAHM so she is entitled to money from him!

Aerial2020 · 26/08/2020 13:47

@Bluntness100

That is the whole point of being together or they might as well live apart and co parent

You think thr whole point on being together is to have a right to your spouses money?

That's not what I said. The whole point of being together is being a family.
Aerial2020 · 26/08/2020 13:48

@Bluntness100

If they are married, of course she does

Don’t be so ridiculous. Legally she has no right.

Yes she does
Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 13:48

They agreed she would be a SAHM so she is entitled to money from him!

Are people having a laugh? She’s entitled as long as he agrees. When he stops agreeing she’s no longer entitled. It’s not if he agrees she’s got a meal ticket for life and never needs to work again irrelevant of his views.

Aerial2020 · 26/08/2020 13:49

Marriage is still a financial protection for women.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 13:49

Yes she does

Ok point us to the law that says if married you’ve a legal right to your spouses salary.

Because I assure you no such law exists. Happy for you to prove you’re right though.

UnfinishedSymphon · 26/08/2020 13:50

@Bluntness100

They agreed she would be a SAHM so she is entitled to money from him!

Are people having a laugh? She’s entitled as long as he agrees. When he stops agreeing she’s no longer entitled. It’s not if he agrees she’s got a meal ticket for life and never needs to work again irrelevant of his views.

But that's not the case here! She said they agreed and he's only just TOLD her to get a job, she's never said she never wants to work
Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 13:50

@Aerial2020

Marriage is still a financial protection for women.
It’s a protection foe the lower earner, not just women, how sexist.

And it Doesn’t mean whilst married you’re legally entitled to their salary.

Bluntness100 · 26/08/2020 13:51

But that's not the case here! She said they agreed and he's only just TOLD her to get a job, she's never said she never wants to work

That’s my point, he’s told her to get earn and no longer supports her not earning, So she needs to do so, one way or the other.