Diagnosed with cancer and find out dh is cheating all in one week

[Babyalmie1]

One week ago I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. I am waiting for confirmation of my pathway. My dh of 20 years acted very oddly when told - almost angrily - but I thought it was shock. Yesterday he casually started taking about going on his next business trip (for several weeks) as though nothing was happening. Today I checked his phone and there was a stream of messages between him and a woman overseas where he works including since my diagnosis. They were talking about how much they loved each other and discussing a 3 Hour conversation they had had last night. I haven’t confronted him yet. I dk what to do. We have 2 dh and I have to fight the hardest battle of my life and now no one has my back. I literally dk how to cope.

I wish you every strength.

OP, a relative of mine split up with their husband in the middle of their chemo, not for the same reason but because the cancer exacerbated other issues that had been previously swept under the carpet.

She says - and I quote - what the fuck would have been the point of winning the fight of my life only to be in a relationship that's killing me?

You will get through this, it will be the fight of your life, but your tribe will rally round and then you'll be free, free of him, free of cancer - that's a lot of dead weight to shed my love x

Why is it your fault that he is a cowardly weak cheat of a man ? What a load of BS.

I have no practical advice for you @Babyalmie1 but didn't want to scroll past without sending you all my very best wishes

If you live in Hull/surrounding area, I will be happy to help you with errands, cleaning, practical things. Not a weirdo, I promise!

I’m so sorry he is arch a piece of shit. Good luck with your journey

Op. Sending you so much strength. You sound stronger than you think. Believe in yourself. We are all right beside you

Dear God! Thinking of you and sending prayers and hugs

Good for you, you will nail this shit (and I mean him!) to the wall.

You know why he wants to support you? Because he doesnt want to be the man who left for the OW when his wife has cancer...fucking prick.

You have my love and support

My goodness op you sound so strong you are a marvel. I am sure with your strength you will beat this cancer.

I am so sorry that your DH is cheating, it’s all too common when the children are in their tens, it happened to me and many of my friends. It’s tough on the children in their exam years, hopefully this might all bring your DH to his senses and he will step up and prioritise his family. I would certainly tell him he can’t be going off on long business trips, make it clear the children will need him at home as you need to focus on getting better. You may be poorly during treatment and he will need to be cooking and washing for his children. Make it clear he is not playing nurse to you but looking after his children and ensuring they are supported through this difficult time. Definite apply for special dispensation for your child’s GCSE’s they will increase their marks by a few %.

When you get home surround yourself with god people who will support yourself. Take what you need/want from your DH, use him as you please, you owe him nothing in return.

All the very very best

Jesus Op you're going through the wars. Let him walk.

And you focus on getting fighting the biggest battle ahead.

I hope you've told family and friends what's happening so you're not am alone.

@ViciousJackdaw

If you live in Hull/surrounding area, I will be happy to help you with errands, cleaning, practical things. Not a weirdo, I promise!

East/West Mids border here (sort of Derby-ish), saying the same thing.

Also not a weirdo :o

I have no words, other than I’m so, so sorry that you are going through this.

Didn't want to read and run.

Glad it is all out in the open now. And your kids know. Without secrets that is one more hurdle you don't have to face.

I am glad that you have found the determination you need to face the future. I am sure that when you falter, as may occasionally happen, you will be able to count on the support of your DCs, your family and your friends on here to refocus, reframe and regroup. Don't be afraid to vent when things are hard. Use the cancer support networks that have been referenced on here. Don't be afraid to cry sometimes.

Someone I know who is going through some VERY hard times including loss of business, family illness and a different type of chronic illness diagnosis, not to mention a compensation claim for a botched operation told me tonight that a Romanian friend told her of a proverb that is something about crying for 3 days giving you the courage of a lion. Probably lost something in translation but the best of luck to you and to your kids. You will get through this xxx

It's not a bad thing your DC overheard, it saves you the dilemma of whether to tell them or not & hopefully will give you the strength to make sure he leaves.

I'm pleased you told him to sod off with his 'support'

Do you have goid friends & family around once you get home? If not, there are plenty of us MNers who would love to be there for you & help where we can.

Well done, BabyAlmie1. In spite of the appalling shock of discovering his betrayal just days after your cancer diagnosis, you have found the strength to tackle the lying cheat.

Result: he admitted it (blaming you of course), you've told him to get out and your DC are supporting you. It's out in the open - you are already making progress.

Plenty of good advice here from people with information and experience. Also lots of caring support. I hope you have good friends and loving family around you and DC, and I wish you a good recovery and a happy future.

I'm sorry your dc's had to find it all out like that, but it's way healthier to have it out in the open.

J4n3d03 That's appalling. The depths some selfish men will sink to will never stop surprising me.

@DopamineHits

I'm sorry your dc's had to find it all out like that, but it's way healthier to have it out in the open.

I agree, it's horrible that your DC needed to hear that, but it's probably for the best that they understand. The ball is in your court, use him for whatever practical/financial needs you and the dc have but cut him off emotionally, he doesn't get to play the devout husband role and gain sympathy for how hard it must be for him.

OP I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Really wishing you well for your treatment and your treatment x

Thinking of you. I am glad it is out in the open. How awful for you but you do sound strong, I really, really, hope you will make it through this and have the wonderful life with your kids that you deserve. Your 'not so dear' h is a fool.

I'm so sorry to hear this 😔 x

Well done. You have found the recklessness of someone that literally has nothing to fucking lose, and you know what? It works.

You don't know what the future holds or how long you have, but you DO know that you don't need to put up with his lies and shit.

Clean out the bank accounts while he's gone and spend it all on you, and on enjoying your life and your children. Fuck him. Piece of shit.

And don't keep his secrets. Tell everyone. The children know and that was the only time you would have needed to maybe keep quiet. He doesn't get to play the good husband and the cancer makes you immune from being thought of as the bitter wife.

The best thing you can do to fight this cancer is to not hold things inside. He's set you free though he probably doesn't realise it. Arsehole.

I'm so so sorry you are going through this.
I've just come out of my cancer journey. 2 days after getting the all clear, and feeling relief I found out about my husband's 3 year affair, that has gone on throughout all my cancer treatment. I now know for a fact on at least 2 occassions i was an inpatient he was in a posh hotel 20 odd miles away with her. The week it all happened was great news at hospital on the Tuesday. Thursday found out about the affair. The following week we went into lockdown and I lost my job. All within 9 days!!

I just want to say it's surprising how deep.you can dig when you need to. Its time to ignore what he wants or needs. Its time to put you first. You dont need tonrush into any choices where he is concerned either. Just do everything to do with him as and when it suits you.

My kids are slightly older than yours and its upset them hugely. Its sad for them that they now have little respect for their father.

Sending you huge hugs. You will get through this. Day by day. I found 1 day at a time was my way of coping with the cancer. The same approach has helped me through the mess of his affair (its still not resolved thanks to Covid making is both unemployed) and through the lockdown/Corona shit. Although it was only a week prior to lockdown I found out so the 2 went hand in hand with him under my feet 24/7. How I've not murdered the bastard is beyond me.

Oh OP

I'm so sad reading this. What a complete fuckwit.

What's your plan now?