Diagnosed with cancer and find out dh is cheating all in one week

[Babyalmie1]

One week ago I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. I am waiting for confirmation of my pathway. My dh of 20 years acted very oddly when told - almost angrily - but I thought it was shock. Yesterday he casually started taking about going on his next business trip (for several weeks) as though nothing was happening. Today I checked his phone and there was a stream of messages between him and a woman overseas where he works including since my diagnosis. They were talking about how much they loved each other and discussing a 3 Hour conversation they had had last night. I haven’t confronted him yet. I dk what to do. We have 2 dh and I have to fight the hardest battle of my life and now no one has my back. I literally dk how to cope.

You are a strong, humble and amazing woman who has the absolute strength and courage to get through this ON YOUR OWN. Do not beg, mourn or in any other way look at your husband as anything you need. You don't. You have this, alongside your beautiful children.
Let him go to his woman abroad. No matter what happens, you have what it takes to fight and to be a mother and the best possible role model to two teenagers.
You are an inspiration. Keep going. I wish you all the health and luck in the world.

I'm so very sorry, OP. Sending all best wishes.

I'm so sorry OP. I can't imagine what you're going through

Gosh OP, what a big sinking pile of poo.

You are who is important right now. Do not do anything and worry how it will be for him. You need nothing but supportive people around you, not ones who lie and break your heart.

He has been cheating because he's an arsehole. There's no other reason. So don't feel ashamed about this.

Let people know who can support you that you've got cancer and let them know about him. You need supportive people on both those fronts.

And quite honestly, while he was "just" cheating before he found out about your diagnosis, he's had the opportunity to behave differently since and he hadn't. He deserves a dose of public scrutiny. Don't hold back from telling people who can support you for any single reason relating to him. Be utterly, utterly selfish right now: you have to be.

But I'm really sorry that this is your life right now. It's too much for anybody.
Is there any way you can get home sooner? Leave him there with the kids to get some headspace?

@Babyalmie1 So sorry to hear you're poorly. Your husband sounds like a self obsessed arsehole. xxxx A partner with any empathy and sense of what they should be doing (or interest in behaving decently) would've cancelled their trip if at all possible.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry you are going through this- I can't imagine.

I'd be tempted to NOT confront your husband just yet.
Gather all your support in place, everything you need without him.
Once everything is in place, with everything ticking over, and you know that you all can manage without him, THEN reassess. You may want to confront, or you may want to calmly show him the door, or not.

Basically, I'm saying ignore what he's done- for now, but carry on with external support.

For now, I would want him to carry on with parenting, and carry on financially with you until you have more sorted with regard to your illness.

I'm so sorry this has happened

I would kick him out and tell everyone why and hopefully your children and other family and friends will support you .

Sending you all the best wishes for your treatment .

however much you want to ditch the cheating piece of shit, while you are undergoing surgery, chemo, radiotherapy and whatever, someone will need to keep the home and DC ticking over, the DC reassured and supported, someone to take you to appointments. Even someone to hold your sick bowl. You will need his help even if you don't want it.

Unless you have family nearby who can do all this, keeping this awful man on side for the duration of your recovery, is the lesser of the two evils. You can think of him as a paid carer.

I sincerely believe he will not walk out on you in the middle of your illness. His pride knows he will be treated like a pariah in his job, family and wider community, and he will avoid this.

Use him for your own ends, then when you are better tell him you know, and tell him to go.

At the risk of sounding macabre, give serious thought to updating your will to ensure any children get everything.

I wouldn't bother confronting him. I'm so sorry you've had these two shocks in one week.

I agree that he will be no use. I hope you can find some really good communities (on line as well as friends) to help you feel like you're not alone in the boat you're in right now.

I'd tell him he's free to go. No ''confrontation''. No digging for proof. Just ''you can leave if you want, you probably should''.

Then focus on yourself and your own health.

Op this is absolutely dreadful for you I'm so sorry
I think in your position, with what you've uncovered, I'd want to do it without him. It will be toxic with him around even if he ends it with the ow. I would also make sure I adjusted any life insurance or wills to not include him, not saying it will come to that but it would make me feel better.

I hope all his friends and colleagues find out the type of person he is! What a shit!

Sorry to add another dimension but change any beneficiaries to your DC

I'm so sorry op

Heartbreaking, I’m so sorry OP

You poor love

I am so so sorry, he’s a bastard. You need support and most importantly a stable, loving OH that you can rely on. Please save any arguments and just ask him to leave. You CAN do this.
Sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 💐

OP - have you been assigned a Clinical Nurse Specialist?

CNS can be a fabulous source of support. They've literally heard and seen everything when it comes to how family and friends respond to a cancer diagnosis.

Please get in contact with yours if you have one. If you don't know who it is, please find out.

While you're waiting, if there's a patient organisation or charity for the cancer then contact them via their Helpline. A lot of them have nurses on the Helpline and they can talk to you and give you some excellent advice.

Op, That’s is truly shit on both counts. Do you have much family support back home? Honestly I’d tell him to piss off, it’ll be tough but he’ll be worse than useless through treatment. Tell him you’ll need him to support you in the practical stuff with the children while going through treatment but that you know he’s been cheating and you don’t expect any emotional support. Get a game plan together of what you need in terms of Family support, help with childcare (for want of a better word) financial security and housing and bugger the rest. You can do this

@missyB1

As someone who has been through cancer myself I would say he is going to be no use and in fact a hindrance. His cruel selfishness will hold you back and make the journey ahead harder. Kick him into touch, you’ve got bigger fish to fry. You will need loyal caring people around you. I hope you have family and friends who can be there for you. I’m sending you sympathy, strength and positive thoughts.

I absolutely agree with this 100 % OP. You need people around you who can get you through this, not who will sap you of your emotional and therefore your physical energy. You need him gone so you can focus on what's important right now, and that is you and the road ahead. Don't look back.

Is there really no-one else? What about your parents/siblings/friends?

Unfortunately you really have to act on this - if you can - because he could end up in charge of giving you your medication when you're poorly, and he's probably not trustworthy. It will be handy to have someone there as support for your dd's too. If there's no-one else, it's best for him to leave anyway, and inform the hospital you need more support. Join a support group if they're running again. You can find invaluable support there.

Firstly, I am so sorry to read of your diagnosis 💐

Secondly, there is nothing ‘dear’ about your so-called husband, what an absolute piece of shit. Speak to a solicitor ASAP, keep screenshots of the messages, do not let on you know until you have evidence. Then kick him where it hurts. You need to get rid of him before you face treatment. Stupid bastard.

however much you want to ditch the cheating piece of shit, while you are undergoing surgery, chemo, radiotherapy and whatever, someone will need to keep the home and DC ticking over, the DC reassured and supported, someone to take you to appointments. Even someone to hold your sick bowl. You will need his help even if you don't want it.

Christ, no. Don't do this to yourself, OP. I have seen cancer close up, having lived with and supported a parent through it, and yes it will be rough but NO you do not need this arsehole ministering to you. I can see he might have practical uses but at what cost to... every other aspect of your life?

Time to pull your loved ones in around you, and work out a situation that will give you dignity. He does not deserve to see you vulnerable. Get him out of your house.

So sorry OP.
Please tell you family or friends or anyone, it’s not your secret or shame to hide for him, you owe him nothing. You need all the love and support around you at the moment.

And I am so sorry. What a hideous double whammy. I wish you a gentle recovery in every sense.