Diagnosed with cancer and find out dh is cheating all in one week

[Babyalmie1]

One week ago I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. I am waiting for confirmation of my pathway. My dh of 20 years acted very oddly when told - almost angrily - but I thought it was shock. Yesterday he casually started taking about going on his next business trip (for several weeks) as though nothing was happening. Today I checked his phone and there was a stream of messages between him and a woman overseas where he works including since my diagnosis. They were talking about how much they loved each other and discussing a 3 Hour conversation they had had last night. I haven’t confronted him yet. I dk what to do. We have 2 dh and I have to fight the hardest battle of my life and now no one has my back. I literally dk how to cope.

This is just awful for you, really don’t know what to suggest. My friend was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer 20 years ago and she is here and well.

That is horrendous timing, but I'd always say that the sooner you find out about a cheating bastard like that the better. At least you've found out now and not 5 years down the line when you've wasted even more time on him.

Though it's nothing compared to what you're going through, I've had times when it feels like my whole world has collapsed at once, one thing after another. Perspective is key - you still have your beautiful daughters and I hope soon a pathway which will lead you to good health.

Contact your nurse specialist and tell him/her what has happened and enlist their support. You need good, strong,loving people around you as you begin your journey back to health.

Kick your spineless loser of a husband into touch, and don't be afraid to tell everyone exactly why he has gone.

Accept any and all offers of help. There are some lovely caring folk in the world and they will be there for you.

Sending you love and healing vibes.

He was angry because now he’s got an extra reason to feel guilty over his dirty little affair

Oh god you poor thing this is heartbreaking.

.

So sorry, what bad timing

Save all your strength for yourself, don’t waste it on that self centred arsehole.

I’d just say, as said previously
“ you can go, I know all about ow”

He will not have your back, be lovingly wanting to help you through your illness. It will be a hindrance to him, him feeling resentment for being where he doesn’t want to be.
You are worth much more than to be treated like that!

What a twat, behaving like that. Self centred

I sincerely believe he will not walk out on you in the middle of your illness. His pride knows he will be treated like a pariah in his job, family and wider community, and he will avoid this.

Boris Johnson did this and immediately became PM. So I wouldn't count on any of this.

OP, do you have other people to stand by you?
As a PP wisely said, line up your finances so your children inherit. I would see a good family solicitor to go through best options.

I have just been through chemo, radiotherapy and an OP. Everyone is different and everyone's treatment affects them differently, but I would have preferred to go it alone if in your shoes and I would have managed fine. Your kids are teens so old enough to manage lots independently. You don't want him as your 'support', it will eat you up.

Change your will and get a living power of attorney sorted. Sign up for counselling.

You are all amazing and you know I appreciate the fact that everyone of you has taken the time to comment and give advice. I know it is meant to help us all.
So I confronted him. He admitted it al. Apparently it’s my fault but he wants to support me through the cancer. I told him to fuck off as I need people who have my back. I don’t need him playing the dutiful husband in front of the oncologist and then running off to WhatsApp her.
Unfortunately my youngest had snuck up under a window and heard the discussion ( we weren’t shouting or screaming). Now it has all come out. They are very upset and angry. I feel re-energised with renewed fight. I don’t know where this has come from. Adrenaline? I am so glad it’s out I. The open. It would have eaten away like that fucking cancer but at my soul. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I will get up and step forward

What a shit. Poor you time to focus on yourself and your support network and banish him and his negative influence.

I'm so sorry OP, this is truly gut wrenching.

I was put on the 2 week pathway last year for what my GP suspected may be lymphoma, the week before my scan my H and father of our children left in the middle of the night to be with an OW that I was oblivious about. I woke up to a text saying he had been cheating on me and has left. To add insult to injury he locked me and baby in the bedroom before he left in what I can only assume was him making sure he could get out of the house without being confronted if I happened to wake up.

Our youngest was just three months old at the time and we had a disabled toddler sleeping in the next room, left to his own devices with me unable to get out of the bedroom for the best part of an hour the next morning. I had to damage the door.

Like in your post, the bastard had been telling OW all about my investigations and went as far as outright telling her I had cancer despite no diagnosis being made.

Fortunately it was ruled out and I was diagnosed with something much less scary, but I will never forget the sheer terror of facing the possibility that I may have cancer, then discovering what my bastard H had done, all within such a short space of time. I became physically ill with stress.

The only reason I'm telling you all of this is because I can testify to the fact that him sodding off was the best thing that had happened to me for a long time, once I got over the shock.

I can understand why PP thinks it would be a good idea to keep him around for the practical aspect but I genuinely think you will do better with him gone. You need every ounce of strength both emotional and physical to fight this and he is going to be nothing but a distraction and hindrance.

I echo what others have said in making sure you tell everybody exactly what he has been doing in your hour of need. Let him feel the shame he deserves.

The OW is a piece of shit too for entertaining him in the first place but especially now she knows what you are going through and isn't kicking him to the curb.

I'm so very sorry for everything you are going through and I'm sending strength for your upcoming treatment.

Lean on those you trust and who love you

You've got this

Firstly, I am so sorry for your diagnosis and secondly I'm sorry this is when you have discovered your DH is less than dear.

FWIW you have a huge fight against cancer coming up - focus your energies on this fight and on yourself and your wellbeing. Let him do what he wants to do. Imagine a bag in front of you and putting every feeling you have about your DH into that bag and putting it into a back cupboard out of the way. Every time you start to think about him and what he is doing - remember it is not relevent - it is a distraction to your focus on you. You can pull that bag out and deal with those feelings when you are better. Don't let anything get in the way of you getting better. Let him run around after you due to guilt - smile inside knowing that you can use him to support you get better and then you can dump his sorry ass

Your cancer aside would you want to stay with him now? Only stay with him if you think that it will help you recover. It may also make the finances easier to leave to the dc if they are separate. If the house is currently in joint tenancy then see if you can change it to tenants in common. He is angry because it makes it harder to skip off into the sunset with OW.

I'm so sorry OP, either of these would be a huge blow but for them both to hit at the same time must be overwhelming. Please don't hesitate to call on your friends and family, I'm sure they'll rally round and hopefully help you kick DH to the curb.

@Babyalmie1

You are all amazing and you know I appreciate the fact that everyone of you has taken the time to comment and give advice. I know it is meant to help us all. So I confronted him. He admitted it al. Apparently it’s my fault but he wants to support me through the cancer. I told him to fuck off as I need people who have my back. I don’t need him playing the dutiful husband in front of the oncologist and then running off to WhatsApp her. Unfortunately my youngest had snuck up under a window and heard the discussion ( we weren’t shouting or screaming). Now it has all come out. They are very upset and angry. I feel re-energised with renewed fight. I don’t know where this has come from. Adrenaline? I am so glad it’s out I. The open. It would have eaten away like that fucking cancer but at my soul. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring but I will get up and step forward

Wow! Well done @Babyalmie1 I hope the fire in you drives you forward to beat the cancer and 'win' the breakup from your husband. What a piece of shit.

Enjoy your life as much as you can. It's yours and you should feel proud and strong! 💪🏻

Haven’t got time to read the whole thread but didn’t want to read and run.

💐 OP - what a shitty week.

Your husband is an absolute

Your DC have got your back. You’ll probably realise in this process that you have raised two incredible young adults that will provide you with the strength you need to get through this.

OP you ARE strong, you’ve got this. Prioritise yourself and your DC.

Omg. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Massive handhold. I agree with everyone above, he is being unbelievably selfish, and I too suspect it’s because you’ve upset his plans. Am just going to repeat what everyone else has said, Maggies is great as well, get all the free counselling you can and join in all the threads. It’s amazing who else is up at 3 a.m you will find Amongst your mates and acquaintances that some people can’t cope and others will be amazing, and others will help you in their own unique ways.
I agree that you need to focus on you, and your children, not his nibs. You will need emotional support and very likely help with cooking housework etc. It’s amazing how exhausting putting a frozen pizza in the oven can be! Massive massive hugs.💐

Having supported my husband through cancer you do not need anyone around you that is going to be a hinderance. For
Now you need to get rid, get on survival mode and focus on yourself and your children. I’d be packing his bags right now.

When I read the first few posts I wanted to come on and tell you to get angry. Now I see you have. Stay that way till you get back to your own home and tell him to not even think about coming with you.

Do you have family support at home in RL?

This might not be helpful, but I recently read an article about a book dealing with those people who lived way beyond diagnosis. One woman on being told she had terminal cancer, immediately divorced her husband, changed her life dramatically and went into remission. You have had two dreadful, dreadful shocks... but you may well find that the path is clearer without your DH. I hope you get all the support you deserve.

Cross post.
I see it is out, now.
Take care and stay strong - you've got this.

I’m so sorry