MIL/DH issue but maybe it's me...

[Sanjii]

I try to keep it concise so I don't have to drip feed:

Married with 2 DSs. DS2 is 9 and has severe autism and severe learning difficulties.
DH is from the Middle East. His mum is still living there but not many other family members.
DH has younger sisters with grown up children who are also in the UK.
My parents passed away and no other siblings/family. I work around school hours).

DH (self employed) has been always taking the summers off to visit his mum - he goes on his own as the DSs are hard word, esp DS2 with SN. I cannot join as I don't have enough AL and need a lot of the days of AL for appointment with DS. And I find it too hot - been there before we had the DC.

He is just away again and told me on December, his mum will have surgery (nothing major) and he plans to go there again for 2-3 weeks to look after her.

I said I am not happy. Year after year after years I spent every summer alone with the DC here and he goes on a jolly on his own back to the ME. He has sisters who don't have young kids and you are house wives and could easily do this but refuses to even ask them. and they are so spoilt, they would not offer to help either.

Anyhow, we just had a massive fight on the phone and he called me heartless and cruel. But I cannot anymore. Years and years of caring have broken me.I never get a break. I am either working or caring and the Lockdown has just tipped me over with both DSs out of school, WFH and home schooling. I hit rock bottom and he still went away.

Now thinking, I am wondering if I have actually been cruel in suggesting he doesn't go - after all his mum is alone there and there is also a cultural element. If my mum was around, I surely would want to be with here in these circumstances. But I think I am more than generous to let him have a solo 6 week holiday every year when I get nothing but going twice is just too much. even with the upcoming surgery.

Any thoughts?

I just cannot believe how selfish your Dh is being. You really need to have a conversation with him and explain what this is doing to you. You are so close to breaking point and he doesn't even see it as he's too selfish. He cannot flounce off for 6 weeks blocks every year and leave you with the kids. I would have left my dp the first time. It is a total piss take regardless of where or why he's gone. He needs to put his family first and quite frankly his priority should be you and his kids. His mum is not his main priority. Stand up for yourself and dont back down. You are not in the wrong with this. You have never stopped him from going away but why does he need that long period of time away? He could easily do 2 weeks 3 times a year. Say 1 in march, july, october. Nope he wants to cop out of it and so far this has been allowed. You have to confront him and do not back down. He's used to getting his own way.

[quote RandomMess]@SoloMummy but who is going to do the school run, where is this perfect job going to appear that matches her skills???

How about her DH does the medical appointments so she doesn't have to use her leave for them, same for inset days?[/quote]
At a guess I'd reckon that his income is ieo hers. That would be why. However, if he can facilitate this, yes he should.
But the issue remains, she's working a job that's incomparable with the needs of her family.

Is there a reason why your husband can't take your child to appointments? And why do you have to do training in your holiday time?

It's awful to think of you in this position. I don't think I could look at him if he was behaving like that - leaving you behind to do all the work (as well as your own job) while he has a long holiday.

As for people saying he has the right to do this - I'd love to see their faces if their own husbands wanted to move back with mummy for a six week stretch. There are many people who visit their parents for the day every couple of months. Why does this man have to go for six weeks?

solo, you make it sound as if it is my fault. Maybe I just hand in my resignation, move out and claim Carers allowance and UC credit instead. Silly me for earning money to pay the bills whilst trying to care for a child with low functioning ASD. As if part time jobs with school hours are easy to find.

Yanbu op. This is not ok at all. What kind of a man checks out and dumps all his responsibilities like this. He has many options to see his family as well as keep up to his responsibilities, he chooses the easiest way out.
He is the cruel one!.
I would be sending him on a one way ticket there.

is there a reason why your husband can't take your child to appointments?

he just doesn't do it. There is always something 'more important' at work. I know these are excuses but I cannot physically force him, can I?

There is some resentment that my earnings dropped post kids. So he expects me to make it up by taking up the lion share of the care/housework.

But the issue remains, she's working a job that's incomparable with the needs of her family.

why do you actually focus on my job? why is it me and not my DH's role? just curious!

But the issue remains, she's working a job that's incomparable with the needs of her family.

What about the incompatibility of OP's husband's job? What about the incompatibility of his wish to spend 6-9 weeks abroad despite the fact that there is ample care available for his mother from the other siblings?

Oh just ignore solo. I'm not sure what job would be better for your family than one that allows you to do the school run both ways.

Not sure what planet @solo is on that YOU have to make things work. Bizarre!

OP reading this comments has really fucked me off! How dare pp suggest you give up your job or that you are unreasonable for expecting your DH to opt out of parenting! And before anyone says anything about culture, I am from a very similar culture but thank God my parents raised me to be an adult and put my partner and DC first.

You are burnt out, and desperately in need of a break. And it's not surprising whilst your DH gets to fuck off for 6 weeks of the year, its interesting that he chooses the summer holidays to go rather than other points in the year. I'm not sure what the advice is except to separate but I dont think you want to do that. I'm sorry but you and your DC are not your DHs priority and you should be. I would not be happy about him going off again in December, and leaving it all to you again. And why are pp suggesting you are not compromising? Between what, having your DH go off for weeks on end again and leaving you alone to cope or your MIL coming to the uk expecting to be waited on....hmm so in both cases you end up with more work and stress but you're supposed to compromise? How about your DH stays and supports you, or your MIL stays in a hotel nearby and then your DH could go and visit - why is it not seen as him not compromising? Because he could do either of those things but that would mean more work for him? Tough it's his mom and he can be the ideal son when he has met his responsibilities as a DH and DF first.

This thread feels like it some parallel 'surrendered wives' forum rather than MN.

SIX WEEKS every summer?! Does he not want to see his children at all in their school holidays. The ME is not that far away, 2 weeks is plenty for a trip back home. If he likes he could do 1 week at Xmas and 2 weeks in the summer. But the entire school summer holiday is too ridiculous. You poor woman and your poor kids that their Dad has not interest in spending any time over the summer with them

Sorry, I am so stunned I forgot to ask - why does he go during the school summer holidays? Surely ‘fairer’ (in the scheme of utterly unfair and ridiculous to is your husband deranged) to go while you haven’t got the kids at home. Or two shorter trips?

Giving up her job would make OP even more dependent on her useless husband. The job IS NOT the problem here!!

The OP is not the problem.

All of you suggesting that the problem is her job, why are you not mentioning that her husband does absolutely nothing with his kids to lighten the load for her? He is the problem.

It's not helpful to the OP to continue to get these remarks about her job or about accepting that her just should be able to completely check out of family life when he wants too.

She came for support, and I find some of the comments on this thread anything but supportive.

nogood

his work is related to the education sector and during the school hols in the summer it is usually very quiet. From a business POV it makes much more sense to go then. And his mum is sort of demanding and he panders to her (but I knew that before I got married - I just thought it would sort itself) so he stays usually 6 weeks.

Giving up her job would make OP even more dependent on her useless husband. The job IS NOT the problem here!!

I do have full access to the family finances. But we need my income too to pay the bills. it is as simple as that. If I could afford to go on carers allowance, I would do that in a heartbeat. But it is not possible.

[quote MrsZ19]@Sanjii look I’m not here to argue with you or talk about who has more time to themselves lol you asked about your husband visiting his sick mum So I said you should be selfish and let him go sorry if you don’t like my answer but it’s fact[/quote]
No it is not fact. It is your opinion.

You have spectacularly failed to gasp the inequality in this relationship. Empathy and logic failure

@Sanjii

Is all of the caring and childcare left to you regardless of which country he's in?

pretty much. but I am much better with it anyways... he doesn't have the patience, doesn't understand all the school stuff/EHCP/DLA/hospital appointments. It's my area and it will stay that way for the sake of DS2.

This makes me so angry for you, but I also totally understand you wanting to protect your child. He's doesn't do it/understand it because he doesn't need to.

Does he make your life better in any way?

@Sanjii I think that the only way to lighten the load for yourself if to insist your husband starts carrying his share of the family day-to-day load.

I realize that it's easier said than done.

But I am also a fan of the idea to pack your bags one weekend and swan off the second he comes in the door so he can learn to appreciate how hard you work. I don't know if that would be possible for you.

Earlier you said he can work remotely so why can't he visit his Mum during his usual weeks not just when he's quieter and has more time to help with the DC.

The issue is that when he does have time it all goes to his Mum not you and the DC?

But the issue remains, she's working a job that's incomparable with the needs of her family.

No, it's really compatible as it allows her to work in school hours only. It doesn't pay the same as what she used to earn but only require 1 hour of a time a day and give her as much AL as she wants but I don't think a job like that exists. She has said repeatedly that they need her income. If she takes more leave, they will have less coming in. Her DS needs her to collect from school because of his special needs. What job do you think would fit better?

I just cannot anymore

Tell social services that you are at breaking point. Really lay it on thick. Tell them that you're suicidal and you think you are close to having a breakdown. Tell that that you MUST have some respite, very soon. If that doesn't work, take your DS to their office and leave him there.

Social services will do anything to make people keep on caring and caring until they can't take it any more, and there is a crisis ... and then they HAVE to step in. You have to force their hand, and you can only do that by being very forceful and refusing to back down.

You've got a massive "D"H problem, OP. Your husband is a lazy, selfish idiot.

Tell him you need a break to recuperate. And if he is going in December then you need two weeks in October on your own away from the kids and him and he will need to cover it.
Even if you don’t get away from work, book an air bnb in a town and have coffees, sleep, read and reconnect with yourself.
You need to help yourself in this situation and while I understand you feel your dc will suffer, you are currently suffering and will soon reach breaking point which will then go onto them anyway.
Good luck, I hope you get some rest.

YANBU at all OP. I'm shocked by some of these comments. Your husband is useless.