MIL/DH issue but maybe it's me...

[Sanjii]

I try to keep it concise so I don't have to drip feed:

Married with 2 DSs. DS2 is 9 and has severe autism and severe learning difficulties.
DH is from the Middle East. His mum is still living there but not many other family members.
DH has younger sisters with grown up children who are also in the UK.
My parents passed away and no other siblings/family. I work around school hours).

DH (self employed) has been always taking the summers off to visit his mum - he goes on his own as the DSs are hard word, esp DS2 with SN. I cannot join as I don't have enough AL and need a lot of the days of AL for appointment with DS. And I find it too hot - been there before we had the DC.

He is just away again and told me on December, his mum will have surgery (nothing major) and he plans to go there again for 2-3 weeks to look after her.

I said I am not happy. Year after year after years I spent every summer alone with the DC here and he goes on a jolly on his own back to the ME. He has sisters who don't have young kids and you are house wives and could easily do this but refuses to even ask them. and they are so spoilt, they would not offer to help either.

Anyhow, we just had a massive fight on the phone and he called me heartless and cruel. But I cannot anymore. Years and years of caring have broken me.I never get a break. I am either working or caring and the Lockdown has just tipped me over with both DSs out of school, WFH and home schooling. I hit rock bottom and he still went away.

Now thinking, I am wondering if I have actually been cruel in suggesting he doesn't go - after all his mum is alone there and there is also a cultural element. If my mum was around, I surely would want to be with here in these circumstances. But I think I am more than generous to let him have a solo 6 week holiday every year when I get nothing but going twice is just too much. even with the upcoming surgery.

Any thoughts?

One fairly obvious solution is that he goes for shorter times more times a year- so rather than 6 whole weeks, which is outrageous when you are left alone in the summer, and a total dereliction of his duty (and he could go any time, he doesn't have to go in the summer holidays as he's not a teacher, he just prefers that as it's harder work in the summer holidays!), he could go for two weeks in the summer, and two weeks over Christmas/New year or whatever. And little visits inbetween.

Also, why can't he take the older child for these two weeks? Could be old enough soon to travel independently. Yes, it won't solve your huge burden but it might feel a tiny bit more shared.

My husband is from abroad, similar area, but he doesn't just up and leave the family for the entire summer holiday! He takes us on holiday, he looks after the children, he's a father who also manages to see his family, but we are always the priority and if we need more support/help or I am overtired- then I am helped first, not his mum. I couldn't live any other way.

"Also, why can't he take the older child for these two weeks? "

As OP has herself stated he refuses to take them. It would not be much of a holiday for these children anyway, in particular DS2.

[quote MrsZ19]@Longwhiskers14 good idea! maybe he could cut his holiday down, but the point of ops post is that he is going to support his mother during surgery that’s what she isn’t happy about, I simply think she is being unreasonable not wanting him to go. He sees his mil for a few weeks in the entire year I don’t think that’s unreasonable he is home the rest of the time.

@beautifulxdisasters Sounds like you are trying to shame my sister for not working 🤣 pretty similar though both have kids with autism both have husband that go away for the summer[/quote]
How am I trying to "shame" your sister for not working?

It's significantly easier to juggle finding the time for appointments for a child with autism, inset days, going on holiday to visit family for multiple weeks in the summer etc when you don't have to fit all those things into your limited amount of annual leave. Are you saying that's not the case?

Why can't this man take his children on holiday somewhere in the UK and actually step up to support his wife more?. I know the answer to that, its because he does not actually want to; his needs and wants are more important.

Agree with @DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult and @TryAnotherNickname

The OP is reasonable to be upset that her husband has decided (without discussion) to go back home for his mum’s surgery given the context of their situation - i.e. he goes for six weeks holiday every year, the OP uses all her AL for their son’s appointments, the husband has sisters who could also help out. It’s not just about the two weeks to be with his mum while she recuperates.

Also, six weeks is 42 days. Lots of people only see their parents once a fortnight or so - which is 26 days of the year. A block of 42 days in one go is a lovely luxury for the husband! When does OP get this much needed down time with family & friends?!

@Sanjii

My heart goes out to you.I can sympathise with you.I have SN children.I have a selfish DH who doesn't lift a finger around the house,leaves most of the parenting to me and comes and goes as he pleases without a care for me.

It's unfortunately ingrained in him as it's the way he was brought up.His mother worshipped the ground he walked on,waited on him hand and foot and never made him take responsibility for himself.I was very young and looking back naïve when I married him and had a baby.I was married and pregnant with my second child at aged 20.

My friend married a man from an eastern country with a different religion to her;she's a victim of cultural differences in her marriage;to her husband and his family;child rearing,cooking,cleaning etc is woman's work and a man should be allowed to do as he pleases without question from his wife.

It sounds as though you're facing those same difficulties in your own relationship.Your also right in saying your SIL's should share the load but are they being prevented from doing so by their own husbands expectations?,A lot of men I know wouldn't like their wives to go away from home for a holiday let alone anything else as their bone idle and don't want to look after themselves.

How's your relationship in general?,does your DH cook,clean,shop,garden,do DIY etc?,does he come to appointments with you to support you with your DC with SN?,do you get any practical or emotional support from him?

[quote MrsZ19]@Longwhiskers14 good idea! maybe he could cut his holiday down, but the point of ops post is that he is going to support his mother during surgery that’s what she isn’t happy about, I simply think she is being unreasonable not wanting him to go. He sees his mil for a few weeks in the entire year I don’t think that’s unreasonable he is home the rest of the time.

@beautifulxdisasters Sounds like you are trying to shame my sister for not working 🤣 pretty similar though both have kids with autism both have husband that go away for the summer[/quote]
I think you're deliberately missing the bigger picture. OP doesn't want him to go out for THREE weeks over Xmas, which includes school holidays to be with his mum after a minor op because it is the latest in a pattern of behaviour that means she is doing ALL the parenting and ALL the life admin. He has siblings who don't have children who could go. He could go for one week – the op isn't major. But no, he chooses to leave her high and dry again and then accuses her of being uncaring.

MrsZ19 Presumably you also missed the bit where she hit rock bottom and had a breakdown before the summer and he still buggered off for six weeks...

OP I would look outside your husband for support as he's not going to step up.

There are charities that run carer breaks and provide other support. You can find them here.

You can speak to a Carers Direct helpline adviser on 0808 802 0202 if you would like help with finding local support. You're entitled to a carer's assessment from your local authority. This is to evaluate what kind of support you need as a carer.

I would see your GP as well who may be able to make referrals or signpost you to local help. It sounds like you are on your knees with exhaustion, so have a chat about other ways to alleviate stress such as exercise or anti depressants.

I would have a look at how your life will look without your husband. I'd look at a 50/50 split of responsibilities. You can contact the CABx for advice or look for a solicitor. Try the Family Law Panel for one in your area.

@MrsZ19 do you have Autistic children? Do you know how bloody hard work it is?

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficultoh sorry so you must be the expert then 🤣🤣 and actually my Bil does go for the whole summer but my sister wouldn’t dream of complaining about him seeing family for a couple of weeks of the year

I never claimed to be an expert at all, I am actually reading the ops posts though.

You do need to make up your mind whether it's the whole summer or a couple of weeks though

Either way your sisters situation is totally different from the ops so I'm not sure why you're so intent on comparing the two in an effort to make the op feel unreasonable for wanting the father of her children to actually help parent them.

If you decide to stay with him (and that's a big 'if'), I would book a weekend break for yourself once a month every month. Find a spa hotel (or whatever you prefer) to check into on a Friday and leave him to look after the kids for the weekend.

He goes once a year for 6 weeks imagine being told you can only see your family for 6 weeks of the year you would be gutted.

I’m an immigrant with a British husband and children. I wouldn’t dream of swanning off on a long-haul trip to see my family for such an extended period of my family couldn’t come too. That’s the choice you make.

I think it’s different for short haul flights where you can go for a weekend fairly regularly. But when travelling long distances that require you to stay an extended period, there have got to be compromises. Especially if your family can’t come with you and your partner doesn’t get their own downtime.

The problem here is not the 6 weeks over summer... it's the other 44 weeks of the year.

You should have time off on a weekend. Away from the kids. Yes your annual leave is taken up that makes sense, but that doesn't mean you work 24/7 all year.

Take some weekends away with friends. Or agree a sat/sun split with DH. Have some downtime and he looks after the kids.

If the above seems impossible (which I suspect it will), you have a serious DH problem.

Looks like you married a typically sexist and misogynistic prick.
You're the woman so therefore all housework and parenting responsibilities fall to you...and then you have to 'step up' to his expectation of a wife.

He hardly does anything to share the load with you- he goes to work and then chooses to take 6 weeks off - or more - to go on long holidays abroad on his own.
Even his mum gets to holiday in your home - with you playing skivvy.....but YOU are apparently not worthy of any consideration or help - and he shouts you down like the bully he is when you 'dare' to speak up for yourself.

You don't need him.
You're doing it all by yourself anyway and he just 'lodges' with you - but with extra benefits.
Do you really need this kind of 'partnership'?

@Sanjii

I try to keep it concise so I don't have to drip feed:

Married with 2 DSs. DS2 is 9 and has severe autism and severe learning difficulties.
DH is from the Middle East. His mum is still living there but not many other family members.
DH has younger sisters with grown up children who are also in the UK.
My parents passed away and no other siblings/family. I work around school hours).

DH (self employed) has been always taking the summers off to visit his mum - he goes on his own as the DSs are hard word, esp DS2 with SN. I cannot join as I don't have enough AL and need a lot of the days of AL for appointment with DS. And I find it too hot - been there before we had the DC.

He is just away again and told me on December, his mum will have surgery (nothing major) and he plans to go there again for 2-3 weeks to look after her.

I said I am not happy. Year after year after years I spent every summer alone with the DC here and he goes on a jolly on his own back to the ME. He has sisters who don't have young kids and you are house wives and could easily do this but refuses to even ask them. and they are so spoilt, they would not offer to help either.

Anyhow, we just had a massive fight on the phone and he called me heartless and cruel. But I cannot anymore. Years and years of caring have broken me.I never get a break. I am either working or caring and the Lockdown has just tipped me over with both DSs out of school, WFH and home schooling. I hit rock bottom and he still went away.

Now thinking, I am wondering if I have actually been cruel in suggesting he doesn't go - after all his mum is alone there and there is also a cultural element. If my mum was around, I surely would want to be with here in these circumstances. But I think I am more than generous to let him have a solo 6 week holiday every year when I get nothing but going twice is just too much. even with the upcoming surgery.

Any thoughts?

Assuming he's Muslim, "heaven is under the feet of your mother". And that is abided by.

On this case, I think yabu. The summer you've opted out of.

I suppose the alternative is she comes and stays in the UK with you instead?

I think that he's very unreasonable to leave you for 6 weeks every summer but you're unreasonable about this December one. I can see why tho because of the 6 weeks it's the last straw I guess

@Sanjii

My sister is a house wife so doesn’t require al but you could still go out there for a couple of weeks you don’t need to take all your holiday to go

I have 20 days AL. They go like that:

*5 days over Xmas

• 5 days inset days

*5 days for appointments

• and 5 days spread over the year during school holidays so I don't have to send the DC to holiday clubs all the time (I realise I am lucky to childminder for DS2).

but there aren't a couple of weeks left for me to go anywhere. If you don't understand the realities of caring and working, you shouldn't make these silly comments. There is not even a whole week. This summer I had 2 days off. 2 frigging days. That wouldn't even cover the travel time FFS.

But you work part time, so surely could juggle your days a bit and then that means you take minimal annual leave but have a block of time off? I work pt and have taken 6 days so from 13th August I don't return until 3rd Sept. Surely you can do similarly, with Bank holidays etc. Other wise it sounds though you like this job, it's not working for your family if you cannot juggle your working days for appointments (my lo is on the asd spectrum as well, so I move my working days to accommodate the numerous appointments).

But you work part time, so surely could juggle your days a bit and then that means you take minimal annual leave but have a block of time off?

not sure what pattern you work but I work in customer service, 5h/day Mon-Fri. In non Covid times I get DS2 to school and from there to work and pick him up on the way home. When I have appointments (which are generally during school hours), I need to take th day off. How am I supposed to juggle days around when I work Mon-Fri without a day off?

@Sanjii

But you work part time, so surely could juggle your days a bit and then that means you take minimal annual leave but have a block of time off?

not sure what pattern you work but I work in customer service, 5h/day Mon-Fri. In non Covid times I get DS2 to school and from there to work and pick him up on the way home. When I have appointments (which are generally during school hours), I need to take th day off. How am I supposed to juggle days around when I work Mon-Fri without a day off?

Then tbh, that work pattern isn't really working for you nor your family is it?

@SoloMummy so OP should just stop working because she can't find a job that allows her to do the school run and not be Mon-Friday each week.

How about if her DH took on more of the parenting instead? Would mean he can't go off for 6 weeks every summer though wouldn't it...

[quote RandomMess]@SoloMummy so OP should just stop working because she can't find a job that allows her to do the school run and not be Mon-Friday each week.

How about if her DH took on more of the parenting instead? Would mean he can't go off for 6 weeks every summer though wouldn't it...[/quote]
Exactly. This place is unbelievable sometimes. God forbid her husband lifted a finger, she should stop working instead.

[quote RandomMess]@SoloMummy so OP should just stop working because she can't find a job that allows her to do the school run and not be Mon-Friday each week.

How about if her DH took on more of the parenting instead? Would mean he can't go off for 6 weeks every summer though wouldn't it...[/quote]
She's opting to work 5 days a week for pt pay and annual leave allowance. That's a lot of the issue.
For 25 hours if she worked over 3 days she'd already have 4 days a week off during school holidays and then only need 3 days A/L for a block of 11 days off. No brainer to me, regardless of what she does with the days.
Likewise she wouldn't be using 5 days A/L on appointments.
Her oh can work wherever. He has always been honest that he wishes to visit his mum ONCE A Year. That's not unreasonable. I agree that he could and should want to take the children, but we have no real idea why not. Nor do we have any knowledge of whether the op plays a part in these reasons. Op has made it clear she has no intention of visiting the MIL.

@SoloMummy but who is going to do the school run, where is this perfect job going to appear that matches her skills???

How about her DH does the medical appointments so she doesn't have to use her leave for them, same for inset days?

[quote MrsZ19]@HullabalooToo actually she ask for our options she got mine also we know What she is talking about due to the fact that my sisters little on has autism and her husband is from Afghanistan so often travels for family visits so pretty similar I would say Seem like you are the one here with no idea of the situation.
My sister is a house wife so doesn’t require al but you could still go out there for a couple of weeks you don’t need to take all your holiday to go[/quote]
How is it similar when your sister doesn't work outside the home?