MIL/DH issue but maybe it's me...

[Sanjii]

I try to keep it concise so I don't have to drip feed:

Married with 2 DSs. DS2 is 9 and has severe autism and severe learning difficulties.
DH is from the Middle East. His mum is still living there but not many other family members.
DH has younger sisters with grown up children who are also in the UK.
My parents passed away and no other siblings/family. I work around school hours).

DH (self employed) has been always taking the summers off to visit his mum - he goes on his own as the DSs are hard word, esp DS2 with SN. I cannot join as I don't have enough AL and need a lot of the days of AL for appointment with DS. And I find it too hot - been there before we had the DC.

He is just away again and told me on December, his mum will have surgery (nothing major) and he plans to go there again for 2-3 weeks to look after her.

I said I am not happy. Year after year after years I spent every summer alone with the DC here and he goes on a jolly on his own back to the ME. He has sisters who don't have young kids and you are house wives and could easily do this but refuses to even ask them. and they are so spoilt, they would not offer to help either.

Anyhow, we just had a massive fight on the phone and he called me heartless and cruel. But I cannot anymore. Years and years of caring have broken me.I never get a break. I am either working or caring and the Lockdown has just tipped me over with both DSs out of school, WFH and home schooling. I hit rock bottom and he still went away.

Now thinking, I am wondering if I have actually been cruel in suggesting he doesn't go - after all his mum is alone there and there is also a cultural element. If my mum was around, I surely would want to be with here in these circumstances. But I think I am more than generous to let him have a solo 6 week holiday every year when I get nothing but going twice is just too much. even with the upcoming surgery.

Any thoughts?

OP I think he is being totally and utterly unreasonable. Doesn’t he get it that he’s responsible for these children as well. My cynical mind wonders if he uses his Mum merely as an excuse to get away, holiday on his own. Ok she probably does need the surgery, but it gives him the perfect excuse to dodge parenting responsibilities, sweet really if you’re him! Not nearly so sweet if you’re you! The unfairness of it all is diabolical, and still he continues...the arrogant sod! Yep he enjoys time away otherwise why isn’t he enlisting his sisters help.

@YummyInMyTummy absolutely I don’t disagree with you he should take the kids with him I don’t dispute that at all but my point is he should be able to go and support his mum in surgery, If it was your mum surly you would want to be there
I wouldn’t stop my husband from being with his mum

Why has he just decided that his own DC is too hard to handle. What would happen if you felt that? The bar is just set too low for men. The issue is not mil. The issue is that your dh is a crap parent

MrsZ19 you're giving the op your opinion like your some kind of expert because your sister is in a very vaguely similar situation.

If it was just him nipping away for a couple of weeks to support his mum after surgery, I imagine it wouldn't be a problem. He fucks off for weeks every single year, he leaves the op totally alone to cope with their children, no discussion, he just does it, now he has unilaterally decided hes going away for another few weeks leaving op to cope all by herself again.

There are other options for his mum to be looked after she has other children, the op has no other help at all.

He leaves the op to cope all alone, but won't ask his sisters to help with their mum.

How is that fair?

OP, you are absolutely right in wanting holiday for yourself. I sympathise with you. I imagine, there are not any holidays left for you as a whole family, as your DH can't afford to take additional weeks on top of 6 weeks he is spending 'with his family' abroad.
For people, who suggested you and children go with him- have you tried holidaying in Middle East in August? The heat is unbearable! Also, this is not holiday for you, as his mother or nobody else in the house speaks English. Basically, you have to spend 6 weeks holed up in a house, as it is too hot and too 'against traditions' to go out for you alone and you can not communicate with anybody, except, your DCs and DH, who will be going to his relatives' houses for visits with his mother, and eventually you will stop wanting to go with them as all you do there is smile, drink tea and listen to them talking, albeit, not understand anything. Your DH wouldn't want to travel around the country much, as he is already 'on holiday'.
As for MIL coming here and staying 2-3 months at the time and not helping- it is a 'tradition' too.
Very close relative of mine is in very similar situation as you, OP, and I can only sympathise.
Also, my DD will get together with a partner from this culture OVER MY DEAD BODY! She is 9, so I have a lot of time to worry yet.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I never said I was an expert. she asked for our options that was mine. you’re never going to agree with everyone that’s the way life is 😂 but I think my sisters situation is pretty similar compared to everyone else.

TBH I don’t think this is quite as straightforward as it looks.

On the face of it, he is being unreasonable spending every summer with his mum and not with you, and then announcing that he’s going back there at Christmas.

But I think there are likely cultural differences here which people aren’t immediately picking up.

In many of the Middle Eastern countries it is the norm for the son to look after the parents, and in many situations even for those parents to live with their children...

So while I do agree that this needs resolving, I do also think that there are cultural issues at play which mean that for your DH it’s not quite as simple as just saying he’s not going to do it. Iyswim.

he wants to get away from home and family life if truth be known as it looks too much like hard work. i'd let him go for good tbh. he doesn't seem to bring much to the table as it is, but expects you to put up and shut up, jog on with that idea matey !

What, look after his mother at the expense of his own wife and children despite having other siblings who are also capable of doing so? Bollocks.
I think you need to tell your husband the dates of each inset day for this year and tell him that he’s covering them all for a change. Tell, not ask.

MrsZ19 you have no idea of anyone elses situation on here, your sisters situation is totally different to the ops.

She is at home, the op works, and, although you said your BIL travels quite often you didnt say he fucks off for the whole summer every year on his own.

The fact you think the op should take 2 weeks off to go with him makes it very clear that you have no understanding of ops life either (even though she has made it very clear).

You also stated that your opinion was 'fact', so forgive me for thinking you see yourself as some kind of expert

It's you @Sanjii. I have so many friends who do this, whether male or female or with/without children. She lives hours away and only gets to see her son once a year. You have 2 ds's. How would you feel seeing them once a year or the wife being annoyed because your son wants to visit you for your surgery? I would rather my DH go as much as he wants as long as I don't have to go or have her come over and stay here for months.

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult oh sorry so you must be the expert then 🤣🤣 and actually my Bil does go for the whole summer but my sister wouldn’t dream of complaining about him seeing family for a couple of weeks of the year

The time abroad is one thing (3 weeks max I would say is far in the summer)
But in no way would I put up with him not doing any of the appointments or inset days.
Why are you using all your annual leave for inset days etc when 'he can work from anywhere'. Why?

He needs to help you so you can get time to yourself and share the load. This is awful. The poster saying her husband goes to Poland.. not the same circumstance at all.

takenbywine

I think you misread me. I have no issue of he wants to go. My main problem is that the refuses to take the DSs so I can get a much needed break. Are you alone without support network trying to manage a job and a severely disabled child that needs 24/7 care? You make it sound so easy. I am not that good with it anymore.

@sitckmansladylove I have not at any point said he shouldn’t help her more but rather my point being my husband is from Poland so often goes home to visit and if my mil was ill I would never stop him going to support her

How cruel you are to want your husband to give you a teeny bit of help and the occasional break when the only woman he's capable of pandering to is his Mummy!!

I'd drop him like a hot brick. He sounds utterly pointless.

Sanjii

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What is the point of him?. Regardless of "tradition" and cultural expectations here (so the women on the receiving end of same get the shit end of the stick) what is the point of he being in your life at all?. Indeed you have much bigger issues here than he leaving you for a number of weeks to care for his mother post surgery.

He also goes on his own to visit his mother because he refuses to take them. And he is not taking his son to appointments either because a) his time doing anything else is more important and b ) he regards the children and childcare as your sole role.

He sounds awful. If you were to divorce him, would there even be a difference in your workload? He may be a good son, but he's a rubbish husband and father.

it's easier that way - esp financially. I can cope with working part time. I couldn't do that as a lone parent and with DS2 it would be horrible. I don't actually think he would cope with wrap around childcare. We would have to move and my life would not be easier. We (DH and I) get on otherwise - it's not like an abusive relationship where he gives me a hard time - main issue is really the extended time away. I just decided it is not worth the upheaval...you pick your battles and that is not one worth having. My life is extremely limited because of DS2 - that would not change regardless of marital status. The house is nice enough, we have a garden, close to my work and DS2's school. These things make my life easier... I am just pragmatic.

Could DH pay for you to have an AP or Nanny/support worker or housekeeper whilst he goes away? This would be every time he goes away not just Christmas.

In fact why isn't he paying for you to have a lot more support?

You sound in desperate need of a break, even just a long weekend away on your own somewhere or with a friend.

YANBU

There is other family that could help MIL, he wants to do it... personally it sounds like an excuse to get 2/3 weeks off helping out yet again!

[quote MrsZ19]@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I never said I was an expert. she asked for our options that was mine. you’re never going to agree with everyone that’s the way life is 😂 but I think my sisters situation is pretty similar compared to everyone else.[/quote]
Similar apart from the fact your sister doesn't work! Not like that makes any difference to the situation at all is it?!

The OP can't go with them in the summer - she doesn't have any annual leave (mostly because he is useless and disengaged from family life the rest of the year as well...)

Another thought, you are entitled to take unpaid parental leave. Perhaps you need to make use of this so you can use your A/L to get some time off!

[quote MrsZ19]@Sanjii look I’m not here to argue with you or talk about who has more time to themselves lol you asked about your husband visiting his sick mum So I said you should be selfish and let him go sorry if you don’t like my answer but it’s fact[/quote]
It's not a fact, it's your opinion. Have you read the OP properly? Her husband goes off every summer for six weeks to coincide with the school holidays and leaves her to carry the can at home and this has been going on for years. Why can't he split his visits and go for three weeks in the summer and three weeks in term time to lessen her load? And you think she's selfish?

"We (DH and I) get on otherwise - it's not like an abusive relationship where he gives me a hard time - main issue is really the extended time away".

You likely get on as well otherwise really because he can do what he likes when he likes whilst you carry the load for the rest of it. When you complain rightly he accuses you of being heartless and cruel - if anyone is that here it is he.

Your H does not give a fig for you or his children. That suggests an awful lot about him as a man and you're really getting nothing worth having emotionally from your relationship with him.

@Longwhiskers14 good idea! maybe he could cut his holiday down, but the point of ops post is that he is going to support his mother during surgery that’s what she isn’t happy about, I simply think she is being unreasonable not wanting him to go. He sees his mil for a few weeks in the entire year I don’t think that’s unreasonable he is home the rest of the time.

@beautifulxdisasters Sounds like you are trying to shame my sister for not working 🤣 pretty similar though both have kids with autism both have husband that go away for the summer