MIL/DH issue but maybe it's me...

[Sanjii]

I try to keep it concise so I don't have to drip feed:

Married with 2 DSs. DS2 is 9 and has severe autism and severe learning difficulties.
DH is from the Middle East. His mum is still living there but not many other family members.
DH has younger sisters with grown up children who are also in the UK.
My parents passed away and no other siblings/family. I work around school hours).

DH (self employed) has been always taking the summers off to visit his mum - he goes on his own as the DSs are hard word, esp DS2 with SN. I cannot join as I don't have enough AL and need a lot of the days of AL for appointment with DS. And I find it too hot - been there before we had the DC.

He is just away again and told me on December, his mum will have surgery (nothing major) and he plans to go there again for 2-3 weeks to look after her.

I said I am not happy. Year after year after years I spent every summer alone with the DC here and he goes on a jolly on his own back to the ME. He has sisters who don't have young kids and you are house wives and could easily do this but refuses to even ask them. and they are so spoilt, they would not offer to help either.

Anyhow, we just had a massive fight on the phone and he called me heartless and cruel. But I cannot anymore. Years and years of caring have broken me.I never get a break. I am either working or caring and the Lockdown has just tipped me over with both DSs out of school, WFH and home schooling. I hit rock bottom and he still went away.

Now thinking, I am wondering if I have actually been cruel in suggesting he doesn't go - after all his mum is alone there and there is also a cultural element. If my mum was around, I surely would want to be with here in these circumstances. But I think I am more than generous to let him have a solo 6 week holiday every year when I get nothing but going twice is just too much. even with the upcoming surgery.

Any thoughts?

The DH family live in the UK and the neither visit OP and her DH to help not visit their Mum. When the MIL has come to visit she expects OP to do everything for her, again her DH doesn't pull his weight...

Basically it sounds like apart from working he contributes little which with the added pressure of financially struggling and having DC with SEN is a complete cop out.

@Sanjii I'm so sorry you are going through all of this, for what it's worth YANBU.

I have a high-functioning ASD child and, when they were the same age as your DS2, life with them could often be challenging and sometimes unbearable. I can't imagine how tough it must be for you with a low-functioning ASD child.

I'm unsure how health care works in the Arab states of the ME, so I'm wondering if MIL already knew about her scheduled operation why DH couldn't have just taken 3 weeks away visiting her this summer and then 3 weeks at the end of the year. Although not ideal it might've been a more acceptable decision for your family. However, it does sound from what you have written that he just wants these 6 weeks away as a regular 'perk', he's been doing it for years so why change it?

I don't have any magical words of wisdom for you, only my empathy. I hope you have supportive friends and links to local ASD groups. Life is probably like living in a tunnel for you and I sincerely hope that when DH is home he helps out. Even a takeaway dinner is a massive treat when you are run ragged by work and the demands of a SN child, as well as your older DS and home responsibilities.

It's time for a change, not necessarily asking DH to leave the home, I understand what you wrote about your financial situation, but time for you to tell him that this cannot carry on, it's unsustainable for your MH and that if you get really sick he will have to carry all of the family responsibilities.
You need some time to yourself, whether that's one evening a week or a Saturday out with friends once a month, you need that respite.

If he can continue with his weeks in the ME he can at least give you some time to yourself for rest and a chance to recharge yourself.

That might be the way forward.

So you dont really want to compromise and find a solution.

where could I compromise? I already do all the care, all the school runs, all the appointments. I don't even have a few days to myself. I just cannot anymore . Having is mum over means I have to cook/clean/wash for another person. It is really adding to my load.

Maybe you are right. I should be more understanding and try harder. to accommodate DH and MiL.

But given that I have zero flexibility when it comes to annual leave and that DH is refusing to take the DSs where could I possibly compromise? would be grateful for some pointers.

What is the point of still being married to this man?. You are not a team in any sense because he is not for compromising at all here; he is all about getting his own needs and wants met and at great cost to yourself. You cannot give any more, your resources are finite and your tank is running on empty.

Why can't he take time off for inset days and appointments? Why is it always you that had to do it? Do you never holiday as a family?

6 weeks is just ridiculous! That's very unreasonable. 3 weeks over Christmas is crazy too, he has responsibilities at home. The sisters must step up and share the load.

What would happen if the roles were reversed? Would be be happy on his own with the DC for 6 weeks?! No effin way!

And if anyone should be compromising and or trying a lot harder here, its your husband!!.

Op the problem in this scenario definitely isn’t you. No wonder you’re at breaking point. I was at breaking point by the end of lockdown homeschooling 2 kids while wfh and mine don’t have the added exhaustion factor of SN.

Your h needs to step up and care for his children so that you can have some respite. He can’t take the whole 6 weeks of the summer holidays, that’s incredibly selfish, 2-3 weeks is reasonable with him doing the majority of childcare for the 2-3 weeks he’s home. That’s his share. He can do shorter visits at other times during the year (not school holidays - cheaper flights too in term time). Whatever time he has away you should get the same amount of time where he has some responsibility for the kids. It’s only fair. If you suggested this to him what would he say? Does he do anything with kids at weekends? Could he do a Saturday or Sunday every week on his own to give you a day off? What if you book a few days away in half term on your own and left him to it, would he object? I agree with pp about him doing inset days and you doing hospital appointments, how would he react to this suggestion?

I really think you need to lay this on the line, he has to do some childcare, they’re his kids too and you both work. You’re at breaking point because he’s lazy and entitled. If he regularly stepped up to share the workload you wouldn’t react the way you did to him announcing another visit (3weeks is excessive for a minor op week to 10 days enough surely). I understand this feeling as my dh is from another (patriarchal) country and goes to visit regularly and it often pushes me over the edge if he’s recently been away. Family life is busy and exhausting without one parent disappearing for extended periods. It’s all about getting a good balance. Luckily my dh believes in total equality so we share the workload as much as possible.

Agree with pp about also trying to get extra external help, have you looked into autism charities to see if any of them offer respite care? My mum was a carer for my great uncle despite working full time and living 30mins drive away and she couldn’t get any help from GP or SS but did manage to get a daily carer come in from Help the Aged and respite through an ex RAF charity. As soon as that was in place SS suddenly assigned him a daily carer as well (although they were useless and only stayed 5mins).

Whatever visits my dh does during the year I get the same ‘time off’ although I rarely use up as much as him it’s good knowing it’s there and things feel fair. If the dc want to do different after school clubs on the same day he’ll come home early and take one while I take the other. We’re both self-employed and flexible to an extent, he should be too with the option of putting in hours in the evenings or weekends occasionally to account for INSET etc.

Good luck, write a plan of what you need and what you think is fair, if he’s still away maybe email it so he has time to digest the contents. You’ll know whether this man is completely selfish or not by his response.

Are some people really saying that the OP is being unreasonable and she could do MORE!
Get a grip!
She does enough! And her husband is making his own family suffer by being absent !

OP you really need to put your foot down and get some much needed time for yourself. Parenting is up to both of you, if he doesn't know how to with the additional needs, he needs to learn. Likewise he needs to cover the inset days and you cover appts.

I was maybe not quiet clear before - he has them occasionally during the school holidays too. It's not that it is either me or the childminder - that might have come across wrong.

I can’t believe the grief the OP is getting, I don’t know why you are giving some of these posters your time Sanjii.
Your DH is the problem here, you know it & so do most rational people on this thread.

Can you book a night or two away in a hotel over a weekend? Just go on Friday when he gets home from work.

Jesus I think you're a bloody saint OP, I don't know anyone who'd be happy with their DH pissing off for the whole summer leaving them at home with NT kids let alone ones with additional needs. It's unkind and selfish.

Could MIL not come over and stay with her DD's maybe?

TW, I guess I could but the odd weekend would really be only a drop in the ocean if that makes sense. It wouldn't really improve the quality of my life. I need a proper long term break from caring or working. I am so jealous of the other mums in DS's class who are all sahms. I know I sound pathetic (they envy me probably for working).

Could MIL not come over and stay with her DD's maybe

she does this every 2-3 years but it is always a faff as she is not flying alone so someone needs to collect her and drop her off (not straight forward given the distance). In the end, it's none of my business how MIL spends time with her DDs. making 'suggestions' always backfires so I stay out of it of it now.

If he can travel for so long he can organise some help at home? Why must you work ( besides financial freedom) if he can bugger off whenever? Travelling not cheap and he probably spends money over there too..

Ask you GP for a letter or recommendation that ( don’t know if it’s possible) gets you a couple of weeks of R&R.. Dr’s orders 🤷🏻‍♀️
You are heading for burnout ..

What is he going to do if you end up in hospital yourself?

I already spoke to GP. He thinks I am burned out and signed me off for 2 weeks last year. It was nice to have a break but the effect lasted a week after I returned to work. He offered to refer me to counseling but I declined as this would be another thing to juggle.

what is R&R? Never heard that.

r and r means rest and recuperation (its a US army term).

I don't suppose you can get this as prescription on the NHS?

What if you approached it with your DH from the angle that if you get sick (and you are heading that way) he's going to have a serious problem on his hands and for longer until you are recovered. Ask him point blank that if you have a breakdown and are out of action for 6 weeks, could he, genuinely, cope with that?
So if he doesn't want that on his plate, he needs to start thinking of ways to give you a break here.

Unfortunately not.

Seriously though, I would urge you to have another crack at Social Services re getting respite care. Can your GP also help you in this respect; presumably this person is aware you were turned down for respite?.

Just a question but why does DH have to go over summer holidays? Why can't he go in June or September when children are at school and you would not be on your own during the holidays?

Does your DS2 have an EHC (Education, Health and care) Plan in place?.

yes, he is attending a SS.

Imagine how he would react if you swanned off to your own mother without children for 6 weeks even that she lives in the Uk?