MIL/DH issue but maybe it's me...

[Sanjii]

I try to keep it concise so I don't have to drip feed:

Married with 2 DSs. DS2 is 9 and has severe autism and severe learning difficulties.
DH is from the Middle East. His mum is still living there but not many other family members.
DH has younger sisters with grown up children who are also in the UK.
My parents passed away and no other siblings/family. I work around school hours).

DH (self employed) has been always taking the summers off to visit his mum - he goes on his own as the DSs are hard word, esp DS2 with SN. I cannot join as I don't have enough AL and need a lot of the days of AL for appointment with DS. And I find it too hot - been there before we had the DC.

He is just away again and told me on December, his mum will have surgery (nothing major) and he plans to go there again for 2-3 weeks to look after her.

I said I am not happy. Year after year after years I spent every summer alone with the DC here and he goes on a jolly on his own back to the ME. He has sisters who don't have young kids and you are house wives and could easily do this but refuses to even ask them. and they are so spoilt, they would not offer to help either.

Anyhow, we just had a massive fight on the phone and he called me heartless and cruel. But I cannot anymore. Years and years of caring have broken me.I never get a break. I am either working or caring and the Lockdown has just tipped me over with both DSs out of school, WFH and home schooling. I hit rock bottom and he still went away.

Now thinking, I am wondering if I have actually been cruel in suggesting he doesn't go - after all his mum is alone there and there is also a cultural element. If my mum was around, I surely would want to be with here in these circumstances. But I think I am more than generous to let him have a solo 6 week holiday every year when I get nothing but going twice is just too much. even with the upcoming surgery.

Any thoughts?

I am really disappointed here with some of these responses. The OP is killing herself managing the children (one with autism), handling all of the housework, working part time, and god knows what else.

The problem here isn't her. It's her useless husband. Some of the posters seem to believe that his serious neglect of his responsibilities to his family are no big deal. Sure, in an ideal world, it would be great for him to see his mom for 6 weeks every summer. But that's clearly not working! Especially during a pandemic when OP is on her knees with exhaustion.

So what do responsible men do in this situation? They stay home. They help their wives. They understand that sometimes the family they created has to come before their desires to go home for 6 weeks.

Now he's going to leave her again for 3 weeks during the Christmas holidays. OP has been tolerant of his yearly summer holidays for years (which he obviously schedules then so he doesn't have to parent his children), but she's had enough. She's at breaking point.

Instead posters are telling her that she needs to change jobs, or that other women manage just fine while their husbands take long trips home.

She needs help. And she needs her husband to fulfill his responsibilities to his family. Clearly, if he would help her when she was home, she wouldn't be so exhausted.

Hi OP. I really feel for you here.

I'd ignore the sill comments about your work. Clearly your DS needs some extra care. To assume that you can just change your working hours and then have him in wrap around childcare on your working days is not the sort of 'advice' anyone with an ounce of understanding about special needs would make.

The issue seemed to me to be very clearly about your OH's unwillingness to put himself out at all. He misses his family in the ME. I get that and I feel for him but he made the choice to move here and he can't then expect you to work double shifts to protect him from most of the consequences of that choice. 6 weeks is too long to go home in your situation. When his MIL comes over it is HIS job to run around after her and protect you from any outdated assumptions she's making about you being a servant for her. You would have leave if he was taking your DS to appointments and covering some (or all if his work is so flexible) of the inset days. This is 100% a OH problem and you are not being uncaring in asking for your needs to also be borne in mind. I get that he wants to see his mum after op but this is just not acceptable.

@Greyblueeyes

I am really disappointed here with some of these responses. The OP is killing herself managing the children (one with autism), handling all of the housework, working part time, and god knows what else.

The problem here isn't her. It's her useless husband. Some of the posters seem to believe that his serious neglect of his responsibilities to his family are no big deal. Sure, in an ideal world, it would be great for him to see his mom for 6 weeks every summer. But that's clearly not working! Especially during a pandemic when OP is on her knees with exhaustion.

So what do responsible men do in this situation? They stay home. They help their wives. They understand that sometimes the family they created has to come before their desires to go home for 6 weeks.

Now he's going to leave her again for 3 weeks during the Christmas holidays. OP has been tolerant of his yearly summer holidays for years (which he obviously schedules then so he doesn't have to parent his children), but she's had enough. She's at breaking point.

Instead posters are telling her that she needs to change jobs, or that other women manage just fine while their husbands take long trips home.

She needs help. And she needs her husband to fulfill his responsibilities to his family. Clearly, if he would help her when she was home, she wouldn't be so exhausted.

Excellent post. Says it all. 👏👏👏

@EarringsandLipstick thank you!

I am just stunned and saddened by the ugly responses the OP is receiving. It's much more nuanced than just a husband going to visit his family thousands of miles away.

It seems clear to me that the announcement of the December trip was the last straw for the OP, and rightfully so! She obviously gets no help from her husband as it is, but now he plans to be gone for another 3 weeks at Christmas (coincidentally, when the kids are out of school!) Look, he's not only going to visit his mom, he's going so he can opt out of parenting his children and pulling his weight around the house. It's just like right now, when It is insanely hot in the ME right now- he's going so he can just relax and not have to do his duties at home. The (minor) surgery in December is just an excuse to make his trip "absolutely necessary."

The OP's husband will say this: "He needs to care for his mom, and he can't leave her alone!" So when the OP objects, he can tell her that she is being unkind and selfish. After all, wouldn't a good wife want their husband to care for his mother while she's in recovery?

But the truth is a bit different. The OP's SILs could help. They don't have young children and also are flexible because they aren't working. It's a minor surgery, so 3 weeks seems a bit much. And, after such a tough year, with Covid, maybe OP's husband needs to fulfill his responsibility as a husband and father. The timing of the trip (right at the holidays) makes it pretty clear he wants to opt out of parenting duties then, too.

It's just shit for the OP. She's being treated terribly. And there are no excuses for this behavior.

I truly hope that some of the earlier responses haven't made OP stop reading this thread. There's a lot of support for her once you weed through some of the earlier replies.

solo
Then tbh, that work pattern isn't really working for you nor your family is it?

wrap around childcare is very challenging with a child with SN. I was very lucky to find a w job which covers school hours only. what am I supposed to do? In my DS2s class I am the only mum who works because life is so bloody hard parenting a child with low functioning autism. I cannot just walk into a job doing let's say 3 full days. What else am I supposed to do?

Is it possible that you can chat to him when he comes home and explain how much you are struggling and you resent his time away not because of who he is with or where he is but because it places so much responsibility on you.

Can he compromise and do 3 weeks in the summer?

As for xmas, take unpaid leave, go with him maybe?

Explain to him that essentially he is walking away from his responsibilities as a parent and prioritising that of a son and you find that puts an enormous strain on you.

Also get him on board with the medical appointments for DS2 don't shoulder it all alone, he needs to learn and understand and he won't whilst you insist on doing it all.

You know if you broke up OP he would have to take the kids for days. Have you mentioned that to him?

@Sanjii

Just ignore those posters who are going on about your job!

I have a DN who has autism and learning difficulties, so I know what parenting a child like this is. It’s relentless and during a pandemic was probably far too much! Do you get any restbite from the SS? My SIL, gets an allowance that allows her to put DN in a club after school once a week and she also pays for a relative to take DN out every other week. Is this something that you could look into?

In regards to your not so dear DH, what he is doing is so so wrong. Why can’t he go in two week blocks? Why can’t he go during term time? He won’t, because he does t want to parent or share the load. He sees you as a housekeeper/cook/nanny/carer and not a life companion.

This isn’t a life.

He should go and ask his sisters to come too. And take the children so you can have some respite. Or you get two week/AL where he takes them and you get a break upon his return

His mum is still his priority and family not you and the children

He needs to rethink his priorities

You poor thing op with the comments you are getting here!!
it’s not a jolly holiday he is going to see his family. Well, he’s also abandoning his family which are the dependent children and his primary responsibility. Mind boggling that other posters seem to think that because he’s a shit day to day that it’s ok he’s a completely absent dad for chunks of the time. I’m sure if he: ever took some of the load at home, the op would be less annoyed at his completely checking out to travel home, and if would take some children to visit their family the op would also find it much easier.
Basically he’s useless and doesn’t care about you or the children except in so far as it’s nice to say you have a family as long as you don’t have any obligations towards them. you need to emotionally withdraw as you say it’s more pragmatic to stay with him and work out how to make him give you some respite. A weekend away a month, tell him don’t ask him? If he says no, say you will fly the children over and leave them there for a month with him next trip.

You know if you broke up OP he would have to take the kids for days. Have you mentioned that to him?

no, he would not. Contact cannot be enforced. I have a few friends with disabled children who are lone parent. The dad's are not involved at all.

TBH Sanjii you are pretty much on your own now with your children, your H does not seem to be at all involved here with either of them. What sort of marriage is this to you as well?. This is not what you want is it?.

He goes once a year for 6 weeks imagine being told you can only see your family for 6 weeks of the year you would be gutted

Thousands of people live in different countries from their families, very few indeed even get six weeks off a year, let alone six weeks that they can solely devote to visiting families rather than using at least some days for other commitments. It goes with the territory of working abroad, and most people manage it fine without ignoring their children's and spouse's needs.

OP, do you get any respite care for your son? If not, you should ask the council for an immediate care assessment and ask for some.

Do you get any restbite from the SS

no, and I tried.
I went to CAB to ask for help but they told me to use DS's DLA. But we use it for swimming lessons, and mainly to cover normal bills (by cutting my hours, we lost a big chunk of income so we need DLA to fill in some of these gaps). There just isn't enough left for respite which does add up if done regularly.

The LA turned me down for respite. I have a job - if I am that desperate, I can always leave work (according to the disability social worker I spoke to - she couldn't point me though into the direction of the magic money tree to shake to pay the bills). I know it's wrong but I spent so much energy to fight these twats at the LA without any good outcome. I just don't have the energy to do this again.

Thank you for the other kind posts. I am doing some soul searching. This December thing was the final straw for me. I don't know yet what will/can change but it was the rocket in my backside which I needed.

Let's face it, @MrsZ19 thinks her opinion is fact, thinks 6 weeks is a couple of weeks, thinks being a SAHM to a child with SEN is equivalent to working full time with a child with SEN and no spousal support, and thinks the fact that her own DH goes to Poland for a few weeks each year leaving her (no SEN children) means that the OP's DH should leave his wife and SEN children for 8-10 weeks this year.

She also thinks all of these situations are basically the same By any measure her judgement is not exactly spot on is it?

@Sanjii

It's clear that your DH's family is is mother, not you and his children. She is his priority.

I think you need to evaluate your relationship. What exactly is he contributing?

No I feel for you it's unfair, you're his family too yet he's putting his mum first I'm sorry she's ill but this isn't just popping round the corner every Sunday with a roast dinner for her this is abandoning his family for weeks on end, how does the mum cope when he has to work, seems to manage then. It's actually really selfish aswel to expect her son to leave you for that long you're his family now and I wish mum's would take a step back! I haven't Teath the full thread so I'm sorry for whatever illness she has but sounds like you're doing it all on your own anyway so it wouldn't be that different if you were together or not. It's shit for you, he needs to grow up

You’re not unreasonable to want a break - but nor is he unreasonable to spend time visiting his family. My partner is from overseas and will spend around 12 weeks a year (over 2 visits) back home, and I would never question his right to do so.

But you’re clearly in desperate need of a break. As he isn’t taking leave to visit his family can you not do a deal with him that he takes some holiday when he is back and takes over some of the childcare / going to appointments etc so you can have a break? So he can still visit his mum in December so long as you get some respite and a chance to refuel in the interim?

What a tough situation for you OP.

Im a bit torn here. I can totally see why the OP is upset. It must be really hard doing it all by yourself while he is away.
But ive lived overseas away from my family and i flew back and forth 2-3x a year because i missed them so much. Not for 6 weeks at a time and i took DC with me, but i do understand why he wants to see his family.
Would it be possible for your DH to go see his family more often, but for shorter periods of time?
DH and i moved back to my home country, because i just couldnt do it long term. Now he lives far away from his family. We go to see them at least once a year and one additional time i take the DC there by myself because his parents miss them so much. We also have the inlaws here once every 2 years or so They live in NZ, so the flight is a lot longer than to the ME.
Its not ideal of course and a lot of the time it just sucks. But i can tell you that not seeing his family often probably sucks for your DH too.

i flew back and forth 2-3x a year because i missed them so much. Not for 6 weeks at a time and i took DC with me

so you didn't leave a severely disabled child and your DH alone every year for 1.5 months whilst you DH carried one working and caring without support from any soul?

what has it got to do with my situation?

@SoloMummy if "heaven is under the feet of your mother". And that is abided by,

Surely this should work both ways? After all, OP is also a mother. Where is her heaven?

All i said was that its hard not seeing your family. Maybe you just have to find a middle ground. You could go with your DH, but maybe for a shorter time. You could invite his mother over, but you already said thats too much trouble.
So you dont really want to compromise and find a solution.