Sex has become a chore with DH..

[PJDN]

I have a much lower sex drive than DH and his is very high. I might like it once or twice a week (possibly 3 times some weeks) whereas he would like it daily and preferably multiple times within that 24 hour window.

We have toddlers so that isn't possible (or wanted by me)

I've not been in 'the' mood for the past five or so days as I have felt stressed with other pressing matters. I said to him that we could have sex today if I don't start my period (it's always between 21st and 24th every month)

When he left for work last night he text me saying "you've shown no interest all week now when you do you're going to come on lol"

He has also made comments about how he's disappointed I don't give him oral sex anymore despite knowing full well why I can't. I have acute TMD requiring an operation and I'm on strong medication daily to control the pain. I just can't use my mouth in that way now.

He came home from work this morning, showered and put on his 'sexy' underwear for bed which he does when he wants sex. He likes me to wake him up by joining him in bed iykwim. God knows how he thinks that's feasible with children awake in the afternoon but there we are.

As the day has gone on I'm getting the pre menstrual cramps, anxiety and feeling generally unwell as I always do before it starts so it looks like sex is now off the menu unless I have sex I don't want (which I won't be doing)

He's going to be disappointed and sexually frustrated which will then bug me as I don't understand why he can't just masturbate instead. He treats sex as though it's like oxygen, he needs it day in bloody day out.

As you can probably tell I'm just fed up of the sex expectations and mismatched drives and I don't like how it makes me feel inadequate when I have a perfectly normal sex drive (to most people)

It has become a chore and so repetitive that I no longer look forward to it.

Are we doomed?

I couldn't do it. ESPECIALLY with the hints and covert pressure texts and whatnot. That would clamp my legs together faster than I can even imagine. Nothing makes me clam up faster than the pressure of expectation of sex, it's the most unsexy thing in the world.

I don't know how you haven't verbally torn him a new one by now. I really don't.

Yeah unless you start communicating!

Is your DH is my DH’s twin brother? Same issue here. And I guess your DH doesn’t pull enough weight around the house or all mental load is on you. Wish someone could come up with a solution but I think this problem is as old as this world.

I've addressed it more than once in a very matter of fact and no nonsense way, he appears to take on board what I'm saying and he reigns it in.

That will last until the next time I initiate something and then it's like the switch is flicked and he's back to his default mode of being a highly sexed middle aged teenager.

He does pull his weight around the house but the mental load all falls to me. That is very familiar.

I'm sorry you can relate Alison. Have you tried talking to yours? What did he say?

He sounds sexually corceive and a passive aggressive text like that I be telling him to f* off.
Sex with you is not a right. He is not entitled to it. If you are sleeping with him twice, 3 times a week then the problem is him.
Does he have a porn habit? What is he like the rest of the time, is he controlling with other things?
It is such a turn off to be treated like this and has the opposite effect, you want it even less.

I'm fascinated by "his sexy underwear" - I didn't know this was a thing

Seriously though, there is nothing more unsexy than a man nagging and whining for sex.

You are already having a lot more sex than most couples, and with small children too!

He's not remotely controlling in other ways no, fortunately.

RE porn I know he uses it but I'm not sure to what extent. If his sex drive is any indication then I would say he probably uses it whenever he gets the chance.

He has sexy pants??

Sorry but his behaviour generally would completely put me off. It’s all about his needs, isn’t it?

Ha yes sexy underwear for men is a thing, it was entirely his idea mind.

It's not something I've ever sought our or wanted from a partner before. I think he believes it will make me want more sex yet it has the opposite effect.

When I catch a glimpse that he's wearing the underwear (he has 4 different pairs) it just screams expectation to me.

You've said what he likes. What about what you like? What about being treated like an equal partner instead of his sex doll?

Honestly OP, take control back. Tell him no. Tell him to grow the fuck up and leave you alone , along with the guilt and the emotional blackmail.
Own your body, it is not his.

This is why I always dumped men who wanted sex multiple times a day once they were past about 21. Horndogs tends to be boring AF, too.

He has a very immature view of sex. He sees sex as intimacy and therefore love/approval/an indicator that the relationship is going well.

If he isn't getting much (in his mind) then he starts to feel rejected and assumes I'm not attracted to him anymore.

But every day with toddlers is not realistic.
He is being a dickhead

@PJDN

He has a very immature view of sex. He sees sex as intimacy and therefore love/approval/an indicator that the relationship is going well.

If he isn't getting much (in his mind) then he starts to feel rejected and assumes I'm not attracted to him anymore.

Yeah, it's indicative of general immaturity and attention-seeking, usually.

When I came here with a somewhat similar question people said my DH is sexually abusive. That’s one of my threads

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3943879-AIBU-To-be-exhausted-by-the-end-of-the-day-and-not-accepting-that-kids-cooking-cleaning-etc-are-my-jobs-and-husband-should-not-treat-his-share-of-house-work-as-help

I tried to talk to him and explain but he just doesn’t get it. But I sent him some responses from that thread and now he is more careful and if I say no he would leave me in peace.

I’m fascinated by the sexy underwear.

I can’t think of a single item that wouldn’t make my vagina hermetically seal itself shut and crawl up my body cavity.

He sounds awful, sorry.

@PJDN

He has a very immature view of sex. He sees sex as intimacy and therefore love/approval/an indicator that the relationship is going well.

If he isn't getting much (in his mind) then he starts to feel rejected and assumes I'm not attracted to him anymore.

Oh, my husband says the same. Sex for him (going by what he tells me) is not so much a physical act but a mental connection, acceptance, closeness, etc. If I say no he treats it as if I don’t appreciate/love/respect him.

Then he has the problem and needs to accept women are not there to satisfy men.
Also ask himself why she is saying no and listen

He's a sex pest OP and it invariably gives women the ICK.

The ICK once you have it is very difficult to reverse.

You need to spell this out to him.

Him pestering you is a complete turn off and it is hugely damaging to a relationship.

Sexual attraction is a delicate thing and easily damaged.

I hope your contraception is bullet proof.

Women tire of sex pests and often want out of a relationship as it can become abusive with sexual coercion coming to play.

His behaviour is a huge risk to your marriage.

He needs to have this spelt out to him before it is too late.

Mind yourself OP.
He sounds juvenile.

I don't want to paint him completely black as he is very good in other ways.

He's good with the children. Works hard. Treats me to gifts every month that i don't ask for. He runs me baths and makes me a cuppa in bed every morning when he gets in from work. He's hands on with the children, cooking, cleaning etc.

Its just sex that is the issue and the fact he is ridiculously immature in that regard.

I will read the other thread above now.

Crossed posts I'm reading all of these replies and taking note, thank you

Why are you still with your twat of a husband, Alison? Your thread was shocking.

Yep I’m still here InDeoEstMeaFiducia

Things got better over baby turner 4m, baby sleeps much better, I can now go for a walk a couple of times a day with the baby, my thyroid levels are closer to normal than 2 months ago. I just feel back to normal physically wise.

We also went to see our friends and I made a huge mistake by telling my friends about my issues as they just laughed at me with my husband, told me I need antidepressants and I’m just too ambitious and should take things easier. They have 2 older kids, wife who has never been off to work and she says look your husband does so much around the house and helps you, mine has never done any of that and you still complain. I just took my bag and went straight home with the baby.

I just try to distract myself with some positive thoughts instead of nagging and just do most housework myself. Just accepted the fact that I can’t change him. But he is a bit better with sex demands now, though I don’t think we found a long term solution or it actually exists.

I had a poor dear friend in a similar situation, she met her DH when she was 16 and he was 19 and he expected sex at least once a day at the minimum. When he was still the same 10 years on, I did wonder how on Earth she could put up with it. She said it was easier than dealing with his sulks and moods when he didn’t get any.

Another 10 years on we don’t speak as much anymore, they are still together and now have 2 young DC and I can only imagine she must me miserable and completely fed up with it by now.