Sex has become a chore with DH..

[PJDN]

I have a much lower sex drive than DH and his is very high. I might like it once or twice a week (possibly 3 times some weeks) whereas he would like it daily and preferably multiple times within that 24 hour window.

We have toddlers so that isn't possible (or wanted by me)

I've not been in 'the' mood for the past five or so days as I have felt stressed with other pressing matters. I said to him that we could have sex today if I don't start my period (it's always between 21st and 24th every month)

When he left for work last night he text me saying "you've shown no interest all week now when you do you're going to come on lol"

He has also made comments about how he's disappointed I don't give him oral sex anymore despite knowing full well why I can't. I have acute TMD requiring an operation and I'm on strong medication daily to control the pain. I just can't use my mouth in that way now.

He came home from work this morning, showered and put on his 'sexy' underwear for bed which he does when he wants sex. He likes me to wake him up by joining him in bed iykwim. God knows how he thinks that's feasible with children awake in the afternoon but there we are.

As the day has gone on I'm getting the pre menstrual cramps, anxiety and feeling generally unwell as I always do before it starts so it looks like sex is now off the menu unless I have sex I don't want (which I won't be doing)

He's going to be disappointed and sexually frustrated which will then bug me as I don't understand why he can't just masturbate instead. He treats sex as though it's like oxygen, he needs it day in bloody day out.

As you can probably tell I'm just fed up of the sex expectations and mismatched drives and I don't like how it makes me feel inadequate when I have a perfectly normal sex drive (to most people)

It has become a chore and so repetitive that I no longer look forward to it.

Are we doomed?

I know you post isn't meant to be funny...but your comment about his sexy underwear having the opposite effect mate me laugh.

You're doing great to have sex twice a week with toddlers...everyday is a lot and he needs to reduce his expectations in that regard.

It does make me smile that the underwear thing has amused others, it is a bit strange isn't it.

DH has alot of quirks that make him different to previous partners. I hope I'm not bollocked for saying this but I strongly suspect he has aspergers. The sex issue isn't what has sparked me to consider it initially.

I'm not for one second implying that everybody on the spectrum behaves this way about sex, but it does go a little way to explaining his tunnel vision.

There does seem to be a recognised link between ASD and hypersexuality (which isn't present in all of those on the spectrum, obviously)

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5789215/

^ explains it better than I have.

He has low self esteem in general, so to add to that a very high sex drive then it's a recipe for marriage disaster. He feels unwanted/unloved when we aren't having regular sex and equates that to me not being attracted to him and in his mind that means the relationship isn't going well and I'm not happy with him.

I appreciate how ridiculous that sounds to the rest of you here as it frustrates me alot myself.

Do you actually enjoy the sex when you have it? Or is he quite selfish?
The expectation of sex in the day with toddlers around or probably a bit unreasonable from him. I'm sure feeling pestered isn't nice for you. Have you told him this and what does he say? I don't think you're doomed but do think you need to work on your communication rega this issue.

Eww. My ex was a bit like that
I can’t tell you how freeing it is to live without being sexually assaulted on a daily basis
I can wear what I want without it leading to an expectation of sex
One if the many reasons he’s an ex

Note the ex -op

Not the Aspergers comment again
Ffs, I wont go into it again when people drop this in so casually in threads but really OP, that is bull.
Look up sexual coercion and stop looking at excuses for him.

@Aerial2020 You haven't got any reason to bitch about autism being mentioned on this post-the OP states she has many reasons to suspect her husband has it.

I will take that, yes I do tend to make excuses for him partly because I have long suspected the aspergers

This is because I'm reluctant to see him as a bad person because in all other aspects he is a good husband and father.

If his behaviour is abusive (and I'm not saying it isn't) then I think it is ignorance and selfishness on his part and not premeditated malice.

I do enjoy sex when I'm in the mood for it yes, he's not selfish in that regard and spends a lot of time focusing on me.

The problem I have is the amount he wants it and his immature attitude towards it and how his world revolves around it.

I have many reasons and I'm not bitching

It is far too common on mumsnet to drop in undiagionsed Aspergers like it's a fair game disability to jump on to explain things.

You wouldn't do it for any other disabilities.
It is offensive and I'm allowed to say so.

The reason I mention aspergers is because the way he is spills over into our family in general, not just about sex.

He's rigid in his thinking (textbook Alexithymia)

He has sensory issues.

He is obsessive about certain topics and hobbies.

He doesn't understand sarcasm and doesn't 'get' non verbal cues.

He sees the world as very black and white.

Struggles to keep eye contact for a prolonged period of time citing that he finds it uncomfortable.

There is also a genetic link.

Sorry to derail but Re the sexy pants - my ex had some. Several standard ‘pants with no bum fabric‘ (chaps style) - the mullet of pants: business at the front, party out back.

But his favourite was a very strange item that was like a giant gstring but attached around the neck 😁 hard to describe but imagine fabric ‘collar’ with single loop/strip of fabric from front to rear via the arse crack - looked naked from the side iyswim 😂. And also a couple c-string pouches. Not “sexy” imo but he enjoyed wearing and I enjoyed the inward chortling 😂😂😂

Then see a doctor. Don't diagnose yourself.

I'm the last person who would be deliberately cruel about autism.

@BumholeJ

Sorry to derail but Re the sexy pants - my ex had some. Several standard ‘pants with no bum fabric‘ (chaps style) - the mullet of pants: business at the front, party out back.

But his favourite was a very strange item that was like a giant gstring but attached around the neck 😁 hard to describe but imagine fabric ‘collar’ with single loop/strip of fabric from front to rear via the arse crack - looked naked from the side iyswim 😂. And also a couple c-string pouches. Not “sexy” imo but he enjoyed wearing and I enjoyed the inward chortling 😂😂😂

Oh dear god you're talking about a mankini aren't you?

DH bought one of those as a 'joke' and wore it multiple times as he thought it would appeal to me.

I'm laughing now!

The textbook Alexithymia is me referring to him not being able to express his emotions, not his rigid thinking.

I've just read back my previous post and can see I didn't edit before posting.

Sorry to derail but Re the sexy pants - my ex had some. Several standard ‘pants with no bum fabric‘ (chaps style) - the mullet of pants: business at the front, party out back.

Oh my word. Struggling to think of anything less of a turn on😂

@PJDN so...have to ask, derailing again, what are the sexy pants your DH has? Do they have the bum bit missing?

Nothing is more off a turn off than a man begging for sex or being a sex pest, texts , passive aggressive comments about sex. Sexy pants. Ugh. I've got The Ick just reading about him.

Sexual coercion is awful, any manifestations of being pressured to do it when you don't want it.

It's a dealbreaker for me and he'd be out the door ASAP.

Your sex drive is higher than average, or around the average I've read that people say they have it (twice a week.)

Most people would find it difficult to give him it as often as he wants.

Life with 2 tots is hard going! With a sex pest husband even more so .Maybe he could treat himself to a porn subscription ,and leave off with your presents!Seriously he needs to grow the fuck up! You are a Mother and that is exhausting physically and mentally! Sexy pants ?WTAF are they .You say its "just" sex which is an issue ,but its a pretty big issue really .Maybe see Counselling for some help for him!

The textbook Alexithymia is me referring to him not being able to express his emotions

Except for when he's wanting sex...

Thank you for these replies. It's a breath of fresh air being told it's not my sex drive that's the problem! Not that he says it is, but it's how I feel as a result of the constant sex obsession.

RE the pants.. things like black mesh boxers that you can see through. Boxers with a faux leather part over the pouch. Boxers that have straps at the sides exposing his hips.

It's all very cringe I know

@Pertella

The textbook Alexithymia is me referring to him not being able to express his emotions

Except for when he's wanting sex...

Oh he has no problem expressing his wants (or 'needs' in his mind)

Just his emotions.

Oh those pants... OP how do you not laugh??!

Oh god OP I so feel this post. I've only got 1 DC but she's under a year old. I've told DH that expecting it daily is unreasonable when we've got a bedsharing, bf baby in the house but it means that every other day there's then an expectation that I'll facilitate his orgasm by some means or other. I'm actually relieved when I get my period because it means I've a few days knowing I don't have it hanging over me and I can just go to bed and go to sleep.

My DH's equivalent of "sexy pants" is to take his glasses off as soon as he gets into bed.